150k in undisclosed savings

[NCsecret]

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this.

We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic.

DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that.

However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions)

How do I start this convo?

Which data?

As I say, my understanding of patterns in lesbian couples choosing who gets pregnant (or who tries) is anecdotal based on a conversation I had with someone who was researching it a few years ago. The info on lesbian parents and income is more a case of joining dots. There's some good info to suggest that lesbians tend to be paid more than straight women (this is linked to higher levels of education/qualification). But, since straight women pair up with straight men, household incomes for straight couples are liable to be higher. Add to that the fact that most lesbians with children who are higher-income will spend money having their children, you end up with lower income or a more dramatically 'dipped' income around the time when couples have children (which is relevant for the OP).

This has some stats, but it takes a lot of interpreting: assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/539682/160719_REPORT_LGBT_evidence_review_NIESR_FINALPDF.pdf

(And sorry I can't be more helpful!)

If the OP hasn't discussed finances with her partner it's possible that the partner has significantly more than the OP - why is everyone assuming she's poorer? She may also have undisclosed financial security especially if she's been saving the rent money!

@RosesAndHellebores

Crikey that kicked off.

Hope all's well @SarahAndQuack

Yes, very well thanks! I've just been out for lunch with some MNers of old, and took DD to buy school uniform ... I don't know where the time has gone. How are you?!

I’m a woman who married another woman who initially had a lot more money than me (though I was younger with a slightly higher income at the time). I believe my partner thought that the potential of losing money wasn’t as important as her feelings for me at the time, which was good for me, obviously. We both spent a long time campaigning for equal marriage in Westminster. I carried our children and gave birth, but then she took several years out of the workforce to be a SAHP, which was both our wish. Our marriage enabled us to become citizens of each other’s country. It allowed us to both be on the birth certificate of our DC without question. It actually gave us a lot of rights in our current country which wouldn’t have been possible without marriage, and in the eyes of many in my family, it (rightly or wrongly) legitimised our relationship in a way that I wouldn’t have needed if I’d been heterosexual.

I know that this post isn’t about marriage per se, but it’s absolutely true that female same-sex couples have twice the mummy whammy, due to literal time out of work, or the prejudice that one of us might. I am grateful that my DW did not shun me for my lack of finances in the early days, as it turns out I have earned more than her since.

Anything can happen once you’re married. People get ill, money can disappear suddenly due to situations beyond our control (thanks, economic downturn!). And I’d like to think that our DC are protected now, no matter what happens in our marriage and what our earning potential is.

I think, if you love her, tell her, OP, providing you generally see eye to eye on finances. 3 years is long enough to know whether you see a future or not.

It's not always 50/50 after divorce. People need to stop saying that. If one comes in with nothing, the other with a million and they divorce after few year being in the same earning position as before there is just no way court would order 50/50. Even with kids it still isn't guaranteed 50/50.

However, I would protect the savings if I could. Afaik if you can prove you had the savings before the marriage, they could be left alone anyway

Not your question but why have a mortgage if you could pay it off?

Because she can earn more if she invests in stocks and shares. Mortgage rates are very low at the moment.

[quote fallfallfall]**@Reallyreallyborednow* and @userxx*
pre nups and post nups are taken into consideration if both were signed in good faith.[/quote]
Really? My friend was advised by her solicitor that they don't stand up. The solicitor also advised my friend not to marry.

@NCsecret yes, I thought that. I was more responding to posters who put that you should keep the money a secret! I’m sure you’ll figure out a way.

I would use a big chunk to pay off mortgage if you can then keep house solely in your name before marriage and have it financially ring fenced.

I see on here all the time that women are advised not to move in with someone and have kids with them unless they're married or own their own property. Why is this situation different

Because the advice is to the person with more money.

Anything gained by the women following that advice is lost by the people they marry. What's good for one is necessarily bad for the other.

Why are people saying dont get married? If you're committed to a person enough to have kids with them wouldnt you want to marry them so if anything happened to you they'd be okay with the house and savings for the children?

Would you rather give someone what your regard as fair, or some greater amount you have no say in determining?

(In the event the legal process gives less than you think is fair, you're free to top it up, so if a divorce settlement is unfair, it will always be unfair in the other persons favour, never yours.)

@SchrodingersImmigrant

It's not always 50/50 after divorce. People need to stop saying that. If one comes in with nothing, the other with a million and they divorce after few year being in the same earning position as before there is just no way court would order 50/50. Even with kids it still isn't guaranteed 50/50.

However, I would protect the savings if I could. Afaik if you can prove you had the savings before the marriage, they could be left alone anyway

That’s what happens in Scotland. You could say it’s a more fair way of dividing up the finances, if one has millions and the other nothing, before they marry.

It really isn’t like that in England though. It will be much nearer to 50:50 than not.

I’ve known one guy who was burnt twice by marrying someone then after a year or so they divorced and she took him for half his house and got it.

He got back on his feet and bought another house, married then next GF and same think happened. He had to sell his house to pay her out.

@5329871e

Best of luck to you bitter cynical bitches. I hope you’re happy living your lonely, suspicious lives. I’m glad my DH didn’t feel like that when he married me!!

Who is the bitter one?

Why would other women's financial choices upset you so much?

Or is that some women don't like marriage, that's upset you?

I am glad your dh made a different choice. You both made a choice that suits you both.

Why is it so upsetting that other people make choices that suit them?

Make, female or anything else I'd be protecting my 150 before marriage. Keeping it secret is just wrong for everyone and a massive headache for wills, any future kids and divorce if it happens.

^Why are people saying dont get married? If you're committed to a person enough to have kids with them wouldnt you want to marry them so if anything happened to you they'd be okay with the house and savings for the children?

You can do without marriage.

I am not getting married to protect my children's future. If I die, it all goes to my kids apart from death in service. Which will give dp enough money to buy the house from the my kids, of he wants.

I am not getting married to protect my children's financial future. If you are married and die and everything goes to your husband, he could remarry and leave it all to his new wife. Not his kids. Happens alot. So the house savings may not go to your kids.

I do agree that if you are having kids together, it may need reviewing and maybe marriage would be better. Especially, if one is giving up work.

But again, I never wanted to be in a relationship where one gave up completely and the other was the sole earner, either, when we had kids.

The only test in this situation is how you would feel if she did whatever you are thinking of doing to you.
How would you feel if you weren't told, or were told she had 200k savings.
Personally I wouldn't enter married life without disclosing my financial situation and would expect it to be reciprocated.

I would not divulge any information about my money situation to anyone.

I wasn't cynical and gave my xh full access to my carefully achieved savings. He took me for a mug and left me with nothing. He had expensive everything and i was given rubbish. I certainly didn't start off as cynical but certainly am now.

Surely if you marry and divorce, your ex gets to find out all of your savings anyway. As a solicitor would find them out. Isn’t that how it works? Also, you don’t know her savings. She might have more!

@SarahAndQuack

(And sorry I can't be more helpful!)

No worries, thanks - I’ll take a look at this - I’m part of the LGB alliance at my workplace so if there was a graph or similar it would have been interesting to share at our next meeting 😎 Sorry OP for hijacking

Do you need to tell him? I've been married for 20years and my DH has no idea what we have in savings. 😆

If you live each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together and have children money shouldn't come into it. I can't believe how many people are saying don't get married.

You just need to say let's discuss our future, go through which one (if any) wants to get pregnant, how your careers will pan out, whether you want to buy a new house together, what sort of wedding you want to have etc etc.