Page 10 | 150k in undisclosed savings

NCsecret · 2021-08-17T18:35:24+00:00

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this. We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic. DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that. However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions) How do I start this convo?

ScotchB · 19/08/2021 09:45

OP, do you REALLY have to ? In any case, if you MUST get married, please, consider a prenup. I understand it’s easily the furthest thing from your mind now but I’ve seen how ugly divorces get and how your wealth can very fast become someone else’s.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/08/2021 09:53

But brace yerself re the Q5 convo and ‘telling’ your wife no. Apparently in the world of Mnet that’s tantamount to financial abuse
You should work until you die, but you cannot possibly say to someone ‘no you cannot spend 80k on a car.’
That’s financially controlling (apparently). I mean I call it financial planning. Tomatoes, tomatoes

Hogwash.

The point is in a marriage you are in a partnership and being the bigger earner doesn't not give you the all the decision making rights. You need to compromise and generally find ground between you.

This is precisely why premarriage counseling or at least discussing the key issues you will face as a couple is so important. Its tough enough without starting from a point of different attitudes to a key feature of the marriage such as children or financial management.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2021 10:04

I'd just say "oh I'm paying off the mortgage so our household payments will reduce drastically" and when she says "oh how can you afford that?" just say "I have shit loads if savings."

Simple.

Boombadoom · 19/08/2021 10:16

I love how MN believe that women must protect themselves but men should not. No wonder there is no equality.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/08/2021 10:22

@Boombadoom

I love how MN believe that women must protect themselves but men should not. No wonder there is no equality.

Even If that were true you would be confusing cause and effect.

Women overwhelmingly pay the maternity tax through life. Men who become SAHPs don't suffer quite the same hit but also need to be protected in terms of pensions/share of the family income.

Marriage is a contract, a equal partnership. Something which men disproportionately seem to forget when a marriage partnership is dissolved.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/08/2021 10:26

@Boombadoom

I love how MN believe that women must protect themselves but men should not. No wonder there is no equality.

Nobody said that. Male or female - a large disparity in assets means that in the event of a divorce the higher earner is at risk of losing half of it. Also the latter has enough money and so presumably can pay for expensive legal things that would afford the important protections of marriage - without the piece of paper that takes the choice out of their hands.

If there are children AND a spouse is a SAHP it's different. Because the SAHP's lifetime income and prospects are affected they rightly deserve the protection. Even working women will be affected (more so than men, who are treated as heroes for looking after their own children while women are seen as less committed to the job) however it is not as strong a justification for allowing her to take the majority of assets as it is a SAHP.

31flavours · 19/08/2021 10:37

@TractorAndHeadphones

Not sure I have to always be on the same page as someone to move towards a goal. She isn’t flash but she likes a German car. We have a 10 year old Audi Q5 and it’s time to get rid. I want to get something 3 years old but not willing to stump up for a newer Q5. So I told her we can get something like a RAV4 which she feels Japanese cars are tin cans. She goes of emotion. I go off data (euro ncap safety ratings etc). This is where our differences lie.

She isn’t a gold digger as I was living broke in a council flat when we got together and she works also now. Very hard. She just doesn’t exercise the same restraint I do when it comes to money but I put that more down to life experiences. When you have been destitute, having decent cars, decent clothes etc… is good enough in my view. She however sees our combined £180k income as something that can be a bit flashy. In the end we compromise and that’s essentially what marriage is about.

Collaborate · 19/08/2021 10:37

[quote NCsecret]@SwanShaped I don’t want to keep it as a secret, I’m just not sure how to broach the topic but good advice here on how to![/quote]
I'm a family law solicitor.

You need to discuss this long before the wedding. You both need to be on the same page. When I married 21 years ago we had pre-marriage counselling (Catholic wedding). I was sceptical at first but it was very practical to make sure that we'd discussed the important stuff in advance.

If you want to protect what you have against any claim on divorce you will need to enter in to a pre-nuptial agreement. Again, this should not be last minute.

Hekatestorch · 19/08/2021 11:05

@SoreusBacchus

I would only marry dp, if we were going to have kids with a plan of him being a sahp. But then I would be looking at ways of being able to ring-fence my pre relationship assets

So you would want him to give up work to look after your children, while making sure that if you split he got nothing, purposefully making his life worse to make your own better?

Fuck, you're red flag city. He should run fast from you.

No, I wouldn't want him to give up work, actually. I said if. And I said pre-relationship assets. Not all assets forever.

And given we have only been together for 3 years and the house is mine, purchased before we got together, where he has added nothing to it in a financial sense, no I wouldn't feel he had an entitlement to it.

He doesn't pay rent or for any work I do on the house. He currently pays just a portion of the bills.

However, if he wanted to be a sahd and we were married, anything from the marriage and time we have been together before marriage would be joint.

Given my earnings, he would still get a substantial amount, which I wouldn't try and deny him.

Since he doesn't pay rent and pays bills in proportion to what he earns. He has a very good amount of disposal income. Meaning he has a substantial amount of savings too. He could choose to buy into my property or we could buy somewhere together. Or he could just ensure he has lots savings or an investment property. Which I would want him to be able to ring fence too.

Nowhere did I say 'he would get nothing'. You just made that bit up. Pre-relationship assets does not equal him getting nothing.

I already have children. They are the priority. If we were to have a child, they would be my priority as well. If we had one, I wouldn't want either of us to be a Sahp, neither would he.

We both have it pretty good.

Hekatestorch · 19/08/2021 11:07

@Boombadoom

I love how MN believe that women must protect themselves but men should not. No wonder there is no equality.

Who said that?

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/08/2021 12:43

[quote 31flavours]@TractorAndHeadphones

Not sure I have to always be on the same page as someone to move towards a goal. She isn’t flash but she likes a German car. We have a 10 year old Audi Q5 and it’s time to get rid. I want to get something 3 years old but not willing to stump up for a newer Q5. So I told her we can get something like a RAV4 which she feels Japanese cars are tin cans. She goes of emotion. I go off data (euro ncap safety ratings etc). This is where our differences lie.

She isn’t a gold digger as I was living broke in a council flat when we got together and she works also now. Very hard. She just doesn’t exercise the same restraint I do when it comes to money but I put that more down to life experiences. When you have been destitute, having decent cars, decent clothes etc… is good enough in my view. She however sees our combined £180k income as something that can be a bit flashy. In the end we compromise and that’s essentially what marriage is about.[/quote]
But you existing car is already flashy. It’s an Audi! She’s not trying to replace a Skoda Fabia with a luxury car. She wants another Audi.They’re both expensive cars so not sure how you’re the one with ‘more restraint’ .

And saying that she goes by emotion and you go by ‘facts’ … so many men say that. But that’s because they don’t see it when they make emotional decisions.

Anyway this thread isn’t about you and I don’t know your circumstances so I’ll leave it at that. But I don’t think I’d consider you a paragon of good advice and model marriage.

Hertsgirl10 · 19/08/2021 13:09

Ffs so according to mumsnet if you have got money behind you then don’t get married.
The advice is unreal here..!!
Don’t tell her OP you’re marrying her but don’t tell her, Please don’t take marriage or money advice from people like this.

The fact that she’s not been busy asking about your money shows she’s not after marrying you and taking you for every penny but yes protect yourself of course, (prenup) if you feel needed, or keep finances separate if she’s impulsive with money ect. I think you’ve had a lot of good financial advice but back to your actual question .... just be open and say hey we’re getting married so let’s talk about our finances, nobody gonna be pissed off if their partner has savings if that’s why you’re worried, I mean it’s not 150,000 of debt..

Money doesn’t buy happiness commenters so if you think that it’s more important than a long happy relationship, you’re going to never find anything real and true. Telling an engaged person not to get married and hide their savings is odd and what kind of relationship would that end up being.

sassbott · 19/08/2021 13:31

@Hertsgirl10 ‘people like this?’ Seriously?

The ‘people like this’ (or rather myself) have been through a divorce and the financial ramifications were brutal. The blunt reality is (with increasingly divorce rates) that if you are marrying where there is a vast disparity in assets/ earnings/ then people need to go into those situations with their eyes wide open.

So many people here are advocating prenups.
In the UK, they are not legally binding. The longer the marriage, the introduction of children, and significant change in circumstances could easily see the spirit of a prenup not be upheld in financial proceedings.

No money doesn’t buy happiness. But there is something to be said for financial security. And so long as most people understand that over a medium term marriage/ especially with children - courts will view assets as pooled. And in the event of divorce to be divvied up equitably. This notion of get a prenup and keep your finances separate? It categorically does not work that way.

Hertsgirl10 · 19/08/2021 13:55

[quote sassbott]@Hertsgirl10 ‘people like this?’ Seriously?

The ‘people like this’ (or rather myself) have been through a divorce and the financial ramifications were brutal. The blunt reality is (with increasingly divorce rates) that if you are marrying where there is a vast disparity in assets/ earnings/ then people need to go into those situations with their eyes wide open.

So many people here are advocating prenups.
In the UK, they are not legally binding. The longer the marriage, the introduction of children, and significant change in circumstances could easily see the spirit of a prenup not be upheld in financial proceedings.

No money doesn’t buy happiness. But there is something to be said for financial security. And so long as most people understand that over a medium term marriage/ especially with children - courts will view assets as pooled. And in the event of divorce to be divvied up equitably. This notion of get a prenup and keep your finances separate? It categorically does not work that way.[/quote]
@sassbott Yes people like this on the post, all those responding with don’t get married, hide the money.

She asked how to tell her partner, not how to hide money, lie and get out of getting married to her fiancé. The advice wasn’t great was it?

Yes protect yourself .. like I said but don’t just tell people to hide money and simply never get married because you’ve got money.

Hekatestorch · 19/08/2021 14:08

Ffs so according to mumsnet if you have got money behind you then don’t get married.

Not mumsnet. Some posters have this opinion. I am one of them, however, we are not 'mumsnet'

And its not about 'money or relationship', many people can have extremely fulfilling relationships without joining finances with people.

Tbh, suggesting that you can't have a fullfilling relationship, without joining finances, sounds quite mercenary in itself.

People who say money doesn't bring happiness are woefully naive. No one believes it brings happiness. But it does bring a certain amount of security and a hell of a lot of choices. That's what it brings. Relationships often fail due to money. More often than not, due to a lack of it.

Op asked about telling her dp. It's some people's opinions, that she doesn't need to. Just an opinion.

But so many are so outraged that anyone would dare venture that opinion.

If you got married and share finances, great. You and your spouse are on the same page and everything great. So crack on.

Neither opinion is more valid. They are peoples opinions. Different points if view based on different lives and experiences.

And I don't think anyone told op to hide it. Unless you think she is hiding it now. It appears that she just never brought it up. If you think op not disclosing this is 'hiding her money', surely you think she is already deceiving her partner, so probably should not be getting married to a partner she is actively deceiving already.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 19/08/2021 14:25

To the people saying she should not get married... They are engaged. To come now and say she won't be marrying her partner is a breakup.

Hertsgirl10 · 19/08/2021 14:27

@Hekatestorch