150k in undisclosed savings

[NCsecret]

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this.

We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic.

DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that.

However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions)

How do I start this convo?

Love not live!

No biggy in my view. Nowadays marriage and relationship needs to be entered in to with a sense of trepidation. The difficulty arises as to whether this money goes in to a joint account or not. If you don’t do it. There’s an element of distrust. If you do, then you’ve made a massive gesture for your marriage and she can’t get pissy about not knowing about something that wasn’t really her business to know.

This caused awful issues with my ex 🤦🏼‍♀️ I should have known when he said on our first trip away ‘If we should ever marry, I’ll need a prenup’. I thought it was a bit nuts as he was basing my financial situation on a joke fridge magnet I had that said I’d saved £3.50 towards my pension. Fast forward ten years and 2 DDs and we’re getting divorced. I had never disclosed my financial circumstances to him as I’d discovered he was really very money obsessed. I placed all my investments into a trust for our daughters. I always wished I’d been a fly on the wall in his solicitors office for the disclosure reading. It wasn’t HIM who needed the prenup!

You could suggest discussing the budget for wedding etc and for having children. Depending on where you live (if you don’t qualify for nhs funding ) a fair amount could be eaten up with fertility treatment. A chat about future plans and budgets would probably make you feel better and also help her to know it isn’t a major financial worry going forward. Good luck!

Speaking from experience it won't matter how you disclose it if you sit down to have an honest and transparent chat. It only mattered when I found out my DH had 200k in undisclosed savings when I found out several years later. I took no maternity leave for either of our children (who were a joint planned decision) because (and I quote) we couldn't afford it. I checked out of our relationship in that moment and we'll never recover. He put his financial nest egg above what was best for his wife and his children (I nearly died giving birth the first time after a severe haemorrhage but it was back to work as soon as I could stand). The fact that you know the importance of not keeping secrets speaks volumes. I'm sure you'll be fine.

You must know by now how often relationships break down unexpectedly. It's simple really, if you want to hand over half your money if you divorce, get married. Otherwise don't.

@gunnersgold

Are you both female? Or are you a man?

And the relevance of that is what exactly? I'm not aware that a same sex marriage affords any difference to financial affairs than a heterosexual marriage.

(stay rich and independent! Marry him and when it ends, you'll be paying him maintenance. And be selling your home. You've achieved the dream, don't chuck it away for some bloke you'll be making "is this normal?" threads about in 5 years.)

• her then

Still.

Why does that matter?

In this instance, it matters. It matters who will be having the children, and it matters who will lose earning power to look after them.

But anyway, its pretty bad to start off a marriage with a big secret between you. I would question the commitment of anyone who wouldn't tell.

I'm not aware that a same sex marriage affords any difference to financial affairs than a heterosexual marriage

Think harder.

If you were my adult child, I’d be advising you not to marry in order to protect your house and savings. This is why we need pre nups to be legal here.

I would start diverting as much as my salary as allowable into my pension (as that's tax free-ish) and consume my savings to live, if needed.

However I am NOT a financial advisor and I don't have savings of £150,000.

@gunnersgold

Are you both female? Or are you a man?

This is mumsnet, why would a man be on it?

There are plenty of men here though and they are just as welcome. As are women who aren't mothers.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If you were my adult child, I’d be advising you not to marry in order to protect your house and savings. This is why we need pre nups to be legal here.

But to have to children with someone poorer who will lose out further while you are loaded and get more so? Why would anyone want to be the other partner in this scenario?

My feeling is that marriage should be an equal partnership: you pool your wealth, time and skills to start a family. You make joint decisions about how you live your life together and what your priorities are.

If you are not prepared to put your savings in the pool or you can't agree priorities, marriage may not be for you.

Oh ffs. I've said it once I'll say it a thousand times.
Don't
Get
Bloody
Married.

Just don't.

Don’t get married unless you want to lose half.
Speaking from the experience of too many people.
Only marry someone of equal
Financial standing.
Sounds callous, but the person you marry isn’t the person you divorce.

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe
I agree!
Don’t ever get married unless you want to lose half of everything.

@oakleaffy

Don’t get married unless you want to lose half. Speaking from the experience of too many people. Only marry someone of equal Financial standing. Sounds callous, but the person you marry isn’t the person you divorce.

Excellently put.

I wouldn't tell at all

Get a pre nup. I’m a family lawyer if you need some advice.

Late to conversation but I’ve been in same position.
My ex wife moved into my home I had almost finished paying for, we got married (civil partnership) and had a family. After 2 years my wife had an affair and took off with our joint savings- totally unpredicted.
I was left with my one income, our children and two lots of car insurance / phones etc plus all bills as she moved her wages to another account !
Thanks to some forward planning I had never put the house in shared names and had substantial savings tucked away. Yes I lost a lot cleared out the joint account but I was able to move forwards without losing our home etc
Maybe we should have been up front but being slightly older I wanted a safety net - glad I did or I’d have lost everything.
Nobody expects trouble in paradise but sadly it happens to the best of marriages.
I’d exercise caution.
Stats also suggest same sex marriages have a high failure rate last I knew too.
Good luck though and all the best for your future married life and starting a family ☺️

I should add of course in a divorce solicitors hunt for hidden finances to divide up but solicitors cost an absolute fortune and by the time they’ve finished neither of you will have any money left to divide - my ex obviously had MH probs which set off the chain of events but I will always be grateful for my financial choices at the time and would never marry again. Financial suicide if the marriage goes wrong