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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

150k in undisclosed savings

266 replies

NCsecret · 17/08/2021 19:35

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this.

We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic.

DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that.

However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions)

How do I start this convo?

OP posts:
DillyDilly · 17/08/2021 19:47

Well if you’re getting married and planning on having kids, then you’ll be having a conversation on how to manage finances. Does your partner work/have savings, etc ? Would she be the type of person who will see 150K and think, we’re rich and plan how it will be spent ?

Personally, if your partners salary and savings don’t match yours, then you might be wiser to keep your savings separate and have joint accounts where you both contribute a percentage of your earnings each month to run your household.

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 19:48

Out of interest, would you expect your partner to keep hidden savings?

No.

gunnersgold · 17/08/2021 19:48

We have joint finances but we both started young with nothing .

Reallyreallyborednow · 17/08/2021 19:48

I don’t have to tell her i suppose but I think I should given we are planning for marriage and kids!

Yep- be careful with marriage as once that knot is tied they are no longer your assets- they are marital ones and would be split 50:50 on separation. That includes house, cash, pensions, shares etc.

Unless your partner is on equal financial footing you will risk losing a lot of your hard earned wealth.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 17/08/2021 19:51

Well, now you’ve said you will be keeping your savings from a women, regardless if you are a woman or man....she should LTB 😂

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 19:54

I dont really care the gender of the op or the dp.

They aren't married, I don't think anyone must disclose anything, that isn't negatively impacting the other.

PicsInRed · 17/08/2021 19:56

@Bopahula

Honestly. Don't get married. Or find a way to protect your savings.
My reply exactly.

But more just ... don't get married. 😂

Honestly, marriage means you're financially responsible for the other person, and it's really expensive to divorce. If they turn out to be abusive then you will have to jump the hurdle of both divorce by court and also financial remedy, rather than simply child arrangements. If you have assets to try to secure, you'll spend an absolute fortune trying to get out. You'll have to pay him, probably half at least.

Original poster
NCsecret · 17/08/2021 19:58

I’m female for those who have asked.

Partner has a good job and contributes 50% to bills whilst I pay the mortgages as it’s my house. I don’t know if she has a lot in savings as we haven’t discussed that specifically.

Good advice so far thank you!

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 20:01

I would say, don't get married either.

I suppose ots slightly different if you are having kids and you both agree to reduce your work to have the kids.

But generally, I would say both stay working and maybe both reduce your hours, if you have kids and don't get married.

CharlotteRose90 · 17/08/2021 20:02

I personally wouldn’t tell her sorry. I have a similar amount in savings and won’t be telling my next partner . Or if I do should we get married I’ll tell them and get a pre nup done. I’ve been screwed over before and so has my mum so not risking it.

NumberTheory · 17/08/2021 20:02

If you are intending getting married and having kids I think you have a good reason to sit down and talk about long term expectations around finances

  • What sort of wedding are you planning and how are you going to finance it?
  • Do you need to think about moving to a larger house to have a child?
  • Ho many children, and what sort of lifestyle do you want for them?
  • Will one of you stay at home with the kids, and for how long?
  • Private school or state school?

What sort of income/wealth level do you need to sustain the lifestyle you want and are you likely to be able to achieve it together? And as part of that you can talk about your own financial situation, and ask about hers, and then you can also discuss together whether you need to be saving more as a couple/ considering a different wedding/different timings/ one or both of you pushing your careers harder for a few years before kids/ etc.

SofiaMichelle · 17/08/2021 20:04

@gunnersgold

Are you both female? Or are you a man?
Why does that matter?
Original poster
NCsecret · 17/08/2021 20:04

@MojoMoon @NumberTheory thank you, great advice to start this chat

OP posts:
SwanShaped · 17/08/2021 20:05

I don’t think you can keep a secret like that really. How sensible is she with money? Does she have her own home too etc?

Noteshook · 17/08/2021 20:05

Don't get married.

Original poster
NCsecret · 17/08/2021 20:06

In answer to your qs, we don’t need a bigger house for kids (unless we have loads) as we have 3 beds and a loft room ripe for conversion.

State school would be my view, though obviously we’d need to discuss. The schools here are good.

OP posts:
Original poster
NCsecret · 17/08/2021 20:07

@SwanShaped I don’t want to keep it as a secret, I’m just not sure how to broach the topic but good advice here on how to!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 17/08/2021 20:09

I'd look at her attitude to money and at whether she expects anything from you. Does she live with you rent-free?

Tbh in your situation I wouldn't marry that early on in the relationship. I really wouldn't. Financial security means so much; I don't think I'd take the risk.

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/08/2021 20:09

I think this depends on how you envisage the relationship once children arrive.

Getting married and having children is expensive.

Who would have the maternity leave, who would give up work should you have more than one child? What will happen if you decide to divorce etc… this more than about money, it’s about your whole future.

Northernsoullover · 17/08/2021 20:09

I would really think carefully about getting married if it turns out there is a huge disparity in wealth. Be prepared to wave half of it goodbye in the event of divorce. Which is common.

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/08/2021 20:11

I will add to that as well, what are you both like with money? Are you both savers or is she a spender? That can cause problems.

DH is due a large inheritance we’ve been married 20 years however I would see that money as his to spend or save as he pleases. Rather than half mine. I think that makes a difference.

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 20:14

Why are people saying dont get married? If you're committed to a person enough to have kids with them wouldnt you want to marry them so if anything happened to you they'd be okay with the house and savings for the children?

I see on here all the time that women are advised not to move in with someone and have kids with them unless they're married or own their own property. Why is this situation different?

Not being married or owning her own home or having a savings (assuming she doesn't have her own) could really put her off having the children you both want.

I'd be honest.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 17/08/2021 20:15

IANAL, but, if you were my son and hoping for kids I'd tell you to get married and risk the savings because if you split up it can be harder for unmarried fathers to get access to their children.

I'm not sure how that works with same sex couples - I assume one of you would need to apply for parental responsibility in the same way as unmarried m/f couples?

It's that bit I'd be looking for advice on. If you split up and there are kids involved the money is probably the easy bit to sort out.

Good luck, and congratulations on finding someone you want to build a future with.

Tangledtresses · 17/08/2021 20:15

I'd tell him, but make sure when you get married it's yours, along with the house etc
Wills are a must here

TableFlowerss · 17/08/2021 20:16

@Hekatestorch

I am confused why you think you need to tell him?

Dp has no clue about my pension or my savings.

I own shares in the company I work for and we just sold part of the company. I got a big chunk. Dp knows I got some, but not how big it was.

We aren't married, we don't have joint finances. We live in my house. So I don't think he needs specifics and its not any of his business.

There in lies the difference….. you’re not married. Once OP is married, if they split up, he’ll have a claim on half of her savings
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