150k in undisclosed savings

[NCsecret]

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this.

We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic.

DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that.

However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions)

How do I start this convo?

Lots of people on this thread are mentioning prenuptial agreements but it's not that simple.

If they're to be upheld they have to be fair and provide for both parties so it's not just a case of being able to agree each gets to keep what they came with. Even more so if children are involved.

I find this debate about trying to keep separate finances and savings in a marriage bizarre. It doesn't matter what sex you are.

If you want to keep what you own to yourself prior to being married, just don't get married. If you want to keep your finances separate, don't get married.

All these schemes to 'ring fence' and 'prenups' don't work unless you are a billionaire with properties to spare. After around five years of marriage all assets become 50/50 marital assets. If you don't want that to happen, don't get married.

Financial settlements on divorce in the UK are based on need. The need to adequately rehouse both parties with priority given to children. The lesser earning party may need an amount of maintenance to enable them to cover their expenses. Resident parent may need child maintenance.

A court will not allow one party to sit on majority of assets even if they have contributed the majority of assets. A court will not allow one party to be homeless or rely on benefits whilst the other lives high on the hog.

Here endeth the sermon!

I’m not sure why you are being told not to get married. It’s starting to sound like posters expected (him, by most of the assumptions) to be a cocklodger/ her to be a gold digger.

You know your partner and your relationship. If you both trust each other and want to marry, do so. I think you should see a financial planner first and find out if there’s anyway to protect certain parts in shares but not all marriages are doomed to fail and I think if you don’t tell her, she’s going to see that as a massive breach of trust in 10 years time if she comes across a statement.

You need to have a heart to heart about future - what you both want to achieve, what savings would be for, etc. You don’t have to tell her right now how much you have but starting a conversation with ‘I do have some savings that I want to use for X in future’ is a good way to get the conversation going and find out how they envision their own future planning (is she already planning for retirement? maternity/ parental leave, etc?

I really do not understand the advice telling OP not to get married.

Why is being wealthy not a good idea not to marry somebody? Absolutely astounded.

[quote NumberTheory]@TractorAndHeadphones

Why would they face a double ‘mummy penalty’ if only one of them gets pregnant like straight couples do?

Because the "mummy penalty" isn't simply a matter of having a bit of time off work or choosing to put in less effort. It's also the result of prejudice in the work place that has many managers seeing mothers as less capable and less committed than their male or childless female counterparts.[/quote]
But isn't that because of the effort put in with the children rather than just being 'male' or 'female'?
I'm not being goady. I have worked with many women and notice that senior women shoulder a lot of load while their male counterparts mostly have SAHM and work as though they're single.
A lot of women want flexibility around pick-ups, drop offs, tend to be the ones who deal with child-related emergencies and don't do late meetings. The older men don't have these things (the younger men do drop offs etc so things are changing!)

I suppose though men doing these things are lauded, but women will be seen as less comitted. 'A man is assertive, a woman is bossy'... blah2... so you are right

We had a prenup 30 years ago. I think things were simpler then. My assets were about £250k and largely protected on the basis that DH had equity growth for a very small proportion from that point. He could have been an a'hole over the money he made from that point but he wasn't. But probably had the law on his side froma legal perspective about the assets he brought to the table after we were married.

By the time he made his assets it was all a bit irrelevant.

Why would they face a double ‘mummy penalty’ if only one of them gets pregnant like straight couples do?

Because they might both get pregnant (or both try and not, and that takes a toll too), but also because part of the mummy penalty is discrimination - the expectation that a woman of reproductive age isn't a good bet to employ or promote because of the unspoken assumption she may 'go off and have children'.

I know a fair few lesbian couples (I’m not straight) and none of them have both partners TTC. It doesn’t make sense to have two people take the hit. Of course this is just anecdotal observation.

Interesting! I believe statistically it that it is slightly more common for both women to TTC than only one if the couple has or tries for more than one child, but that's based on a conversation I had with someone who was writing a book on the subject a few years ago - it may have changed, and even then, she said it was very hard to get stats or to see patterns to them.

If anything lesbians are better off than the average couple because of no unplanned pregnancies ruining their life plans…

But not financially better off. This is just factual: lesbian couples are not a well-off demographic.

@WaterBottle123

I have the same amount in savings OP plus 100 percent of a house. I am never ever getting married. You're crazy to take a 50 percent chance on losing half your wealth!

Omg you poor thing. There’s more to life than money!

@Boombadoom

I really do not understand the advice telling OP not to get married.

Why is being wealthy not a good idea not to marry somebody? Absolutely astounded.

Because marriage is a legal contract at its core. Its not about love or romance, that's all been added on later.

Its not good financial decision to share finances with someone whose earnings earnings potential is alot less than yours, someone who isn't like minded when it comes to money or budgeting, or life choices. Pick any or all of them.

Of course once kids are involved, especially if one will be a sahp, it's important to legally protect that person, imo. But again, that's about legal protection and a financial decision you are making as a couple.

Not about love.

Omg you poor thing. There’s more to life than money!

You think every person going through hideous Divorces wants to hear this CRAP ?

@Boombadoom

I really do not understand the advice telling OP not to get married.

Why is being wealthy not a good idea not to marry somebody? Absolutely astounded.

What astounds you about it?

@Boombadoom, totally agree. Marriage = sharing. If the Op is engaged, she must realise and accept this and act accordingly. Her partner needs to know about the savings. Not sure how you pop that into the conversation but a discussion on joint future financial planning could be a nice opener.

@MojoMoon

"now we are engaged, I want to discuss finances and our future plans."

Topics for discussion

1. current debts and savings
2. future life plans eg having kids/caring for parents/travelling the world/studying for another qualification/moving house. How would you pay for these?
3. retirement planning - what are both of you doing currently for pensions? When do you expect to retire? How will you fund retirment? How much will you need to have saved to fund it realistically?
4. life insurance/critical illness coverage - how would you manage if one of you died or was very ill? Do you have any coverage?
5. making wills - have you done it? What would you want to be in them - leaving everything to each other or would you want something to go to siblings/parents/friends etc

I'd say savings were one element of a much bigger conversation or series of conversations that you need to have before you get married. Don't make a massive deal of that part.

All this and potentially through a pre marriage counseling course.

If you don't feel able to have open discussions on all this before you get married then you are not ready to marry.

Consider also which of you will bear any children and the fact that simply being pregnant and giving birth affects women's lifetime earnings - it isn't just time as a SAHM or part time which does this.

You may find out that she also has savings not yet discussed. You may both want to agree something which is different if you split up in the early years without children but would not apply in later years post children. You do both need to talk about these things before you consider marriage and family.

I wouldn't share the details either. I think it's different if there's a specific purpose, e.g. if you're planning to convert the loft, buy a new car etc and you're discussing the financing. Then you can say you can cover x using your savings.

I wouldn't, however, put the whole amount on the table as a random topic for discussion.

I say keep quiet and protect your assets for now.

This is just part of the normal conversation people have when it’s time to plan a joint financial future. If you are planning to spend a lifetime together and have children, you really are going to have to plan together, no matter how you arrange the accounts. So you have savings and a pension. So does every other responsible adult who has been lucky enough to avoid being completely exploited by our economic system. What I would find odd is a partner who didn’t come to our sharing of the financials meeting with a pension and savings of his/her own.

@Bopahula

Honestly. Don't get married. Or find a way to protect your savings.

This. Can't emphasise this enough.

Best of luck to you bitter cynical bitches. I hope you’re happy living your lonely, suspicious lives. I’m glad my DH didn’t feel like that when he married me!!

@5329871e

Best of luck to you bitter cynical bitches. I hope you’re happy living your lonely, suspicious lives. I’m glad my DH didn’t feel like that when he married me!!

Thanks hun :)

@5329871e

Best of luck to you bitter cynical bitches. I hope you’re happy living your lonely, suspicious lives. I’m glad my DH didn’t feel like that when he married me!!

I'm sure your DH is glad that you haven't divorced him and walked away with half his assets. Or maybe the other way round if you're now the higher earner.

Don't worry... there's still time :)

@5329871e

Best of luck to you bitter cynical bitches. I hope you’re happy living your lonely, suspicious lives. I’m glad my DH didn’t feel like that when he married me!!

I bet he does now though.

@SarahAndQuack

Why would they face a double ‘mummy penalty’ if only one of them gets pregnant like straight couples do?

Because they might both get pregnant (or both try and not, and that takes a toll too), but also because part of the mummy penalty is discrimination - the expectation that a woman of reproductive age isn't a good bet to employ or promote because of the unspoken assumption she may 'go off and have children'.

I know a fair few lesbian couples (I’m not straight) and none of them have both partners TTC. It doesn’t make sense to have two people take the hit. Of course this is just anecdotal observation.

Interesting! I believe statistically it that it is slightly more common for both women to TTC than only one if the couple has or tries for more than one child, but that's based on a conversation I had with someone who was writing a book on the subject a few years ago - it may have changed, and even then, she said it was very hard to get stats or to see patterns to them.

If anything lesbians are better off than the average couple because of no unplanned pregnancies ruining their life plans…

But not financially better off. This is just factual: lesbian couples are not a well-off demographic.

Have you got a link to the data - I'd be interested to have a look.

Crikey that kicked off.

Hope all's well @SarahAndQuack

@5329871e

Best of luck to you bitter cynical bitches. I hope you’re happy living your lonely, suspicious lives. I’m glad my DH didn’t feel like that when he married me!!

Ditto! My god, it must be so depressing to go through life as cynical and suspicious as most of the people on this thread.

Be honest. If you feel you need to hide stuff, you shouldn't be getting married in the first place.