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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

150k in undisclosed savings

266 replies

NCsecret · 17/08/2021 19:35

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this.

We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic.

DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that.

However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions)

How do I start this convo?

OP posts:

fuzzymoomin · 17/08/2021 21:07

@gunnersgold

Are you both female? Or are you a man?

I'm baffled that some people's answer will be different depending on the answer to this question. Does it matter?

TractorAndHeadphones · 17/08/2021 21:10

@SarahAndQuack

It isn't just a double standard to have different views on men and women, though.

On average, lesbian couples are substantially worse off than straight couples. Most lesbian couples who have children do so with financial and/or legal interventions of one kind or another. And lesbian couples with children face a double 'mummy penalty' at work. If the OP and her partner hope they'll both TTC, they may end up with biological and financial complications that simply do not apply to straight couples.

It is worth thinking about these things.

Why would they face a double ‘mummy penalty’ if only one of them gets pregnant like straight couples do? I know a fair few lesbian couples (I’m not straight) and none of them have both partners TTC. It doesn’t make sense to have two people take the hit. Of course this is just anecdotal observation. I could it happening if one partner could never give birth again after the first.

If anything lesbians are better off than the average couple because of no unplanned pregnancies ruining their life plans…

Mindymomo · 17/08/2021 21:11

I wouldn’t be surprised if your partner also has quite a bit of savings if she lives with you and pays some of the bills, but not the mortgage. Especially if she has a good job. I don’t believe that if you are serious in a relationship and are wanting to get married and have children, that you both shouldn’t discuss your money situations. I would start with, I know we’ve not ever spoken about how much money we both have, but do you think we should know what we each have.

userxx · 17/08/2021 21:12

@TootTootTootToot

I wouldn’t get married if I had the money. ( If I were the poorer half then of course I’d want to get married.) Three years is not long.

Would you though ? Would you get married because of the money?

mynameisbrian · 17/08/2021 21:16

Are you planning to raise just so she is aware or are you going to discuss a prenup or protecting your assets before marriage?

Noteshook · 17/08/2021 21:16

@ChipButties

This thread is mad. So one affluent person can’t marry someone else who is potentially not as well off? Are all of you saying ‘what does she bring to the table?’ Or ‘don’t do it’ that if you met a partner richer than you you’d be happy if they didn’t marry you and kept all their savings to themselves and never told you?

This thread is batshit. If someone had posted on here ‘My DH has loads of money but won’t marry me because of it’ the responses would be VERY different.

Also, maybe OPs partner bring love and kindness to the relationship - does she have to just bring cash?

Personally I'd advise anyone with disproportionate wealth to the other to not get married.

acolderwar · 17/08/2021 21:18

I know I may come across as jaded and cynical but I am contributing from the POV of someone who has been stung financially more than once. I wouldn't get married. However I appreciate that marriage is really important to lots of people (and was to me at one point in my life). Marriages can end, and partners who you would never expect would ever be malicious or downright unreasonable can surprise you. Although I'm not suggesting that this will happen to you, it could, and you would stand to lose whilst your partner would stand to gain.

I also wouldn't disclose the amount of savings. Although you would of course be free to do what you wanted with it, there would always be the underlying expectation that it should be used to benefit your partner too. And maybe that would be the right thing to do, but having enhanced two ex partner's lives financially and knowing that their gain is my DC's loss in terms of inheritance (as well as my loss) is a bitter pill to swallow.

sadlynotme · 17/08/2021 21:19

How can you marry a person and not expect to reveal your financial status? I couldn't marry someone who kept such secrets and I would feel weird not talking to my spouse about my own finances.

If you are legally married that person becomes your next of kin and they will be the ones deciding on such things as your medical treatment should you be unable to do so yourself, including donating your organs should you die. Furthermore, if you have children they will be the co-parent of your children and most likely your children will have half their DNA.

Such a close relationship and yet some people think finances can/should be kept secret?? The mind boggles!

acolderwar · 17/08/2021 21:19

Personally I'd advise anyone with disproportionate wealth to the other to not get married.

Yeah, basically this.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/08/2021 21:21

If I were rich I'd avoid marriage but if poor then it would be in my best interest to marry someone financially better off.
I suppose I perhaps shouldn't be answering this as I don't believe in 'ever-lasting' love but at some point you're going to have to have some very frank discussions about where you both stand financially and so forth and indeed your expectations for the future, i.e. will one of you become a SAHP and all that good stuff.

sassbott · 17/08/2021 21:22

Personally I'd advise anyone with disproportionate wealth to the other to not get married.

👆🏽

fallfallfall · 17/08/2021 21:22

pre-nup all the way.

Reallyreallyborednow · 17/08/2021 21:23

pre-nup all the way

Are they enforceable in england/uk though? I didn’t think they were?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 17/08/2021 21:23

I’d pay it most of it into my pension, then it’s not really a topic for debate any more.

userxx · 17/08/2021 21:24

@Reallyreallyborednow

pre-nup all the way

Are they enforceable in england/uk though? I didn’t think they were?

Nope, pretty sure they don't stand up in the uk.

TheRealHousewife · 17/08/2021 21:25

We had some friends and this sort of dilemma split them up! Wedding on a yacht planned for abroad. Men’s suits measured up for and ordered, women’s outfits chosen and paid for. 1 week before we flew out the groom discovered his bride to be had a house on the back burner. She maintained it was hers to keep to herself as ‘insurance’. He called it all off as he felt he didn’t know her and could no longer trust her.

I’d disclose in a matter of fact way and protect yourself going forward and be honest and open about that too. Good Luck 👍

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 21:25

@BarbaraofSeville

Oh, OP you've spoilt it. If you'd not mentioned for a bit longer that you were both women, you could have watched people tie themselves in knots because they didn't know if you were a financially abusive man or a savvy woman.

😂😂

Echobelly · 17/08/2021 21:27

Hmm, when I met DH I owned my home outright, which he knew early on, and I had a fair amount of savings from inheritence. But I have to say we've never really talked much about this. I've never had any idea how much he has in savings (I don't think it's a great deal).

I inherited a large sum a few years ago and I did tell him how much it was but I'm pretty sure he's forgotten by now.

youshallnotpass9 · 17/08/2021 21:30

I would sit down for a discussion on the future and say you have savings but I don't think you have to give an exact amount, however you need to find out her situation as well, as PP have said is she a saver, is she a spender and if so are you fine with her being a spender.

On a slightly different note you haven't said it, but make sure you have an up to date will and someone knows where to lay their hands on your important paperwork, including passwords and such like.

My partner doesn't have a clue about finances but if I died he would able to find everything easy,

BarbaraofSeville · 17/08/2021 21:30

Not answering the question, but you should pay off more of your mortgage than keep all that cash in whatever it is invested in and is not reaping sufficient interest to offset your cumulative mortgage interest costs

This should be a consideration and may solve your dilemma. If you don't have any plans for the money and the interest rate on your mortgage is higher than your cash savings, if you used most of it to pay down your mortgage, you might feel differently about your assets going into marriage. I don't know though if that would give you more of an option to protect your assets in the event of divorce though.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 17/08/2021 21:32

Excellent advice for men too, or would that suddenly become 'family money'

Oh come on now, we all know it would 😂

fallfallfall · 17/08/2021 21:41

@Reallyreallyborednow and @userxx
pre nups and post nups are taken into consideration if both were signed in good faith.

Xenia · 17/08/2021 21:41

If in England pre nups have indicative force but you both must have separate lawyers, enter into it well before the wedding - weeks before, it must be fair to both sides and both must completely disclose assets. Even then it just has indicative force.

£150k is not that much for people who have been careful had had years of work. The other half might have even more although probably unlikely.

Whether they never marry or not a good discussion about money is wise eg will things be kept separate or not during the relationship? Will they pay things 50./50? What do they each plan eg financial plans, children etc.

NumberTheory · 17/08/2021 21:43

@TractorAndHeadphones

Why would they face a double ‘mummy penalty’ if only one of them gets pregnant like straight couples do?

Because the "mummy penalty" isn't simply a matter of having a bit of time off work or choosing to put in less effort. It's also the result of prejudice in the work place that has many managers seeing mothers as less capable and less committed than their male or childless female counterparts.

Viviennemary · 17/08/2021 21:45

If I was well off with assets I wouldn't marry a poorer person. Why would you when they can waltz off with half.

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