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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

150k in undisclosed savings

266 replies

NCsecret · 17/08/2021 19:35

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this.

We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic.

DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that.

However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions)

How do I start this convo?

OP posts:
putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 20:17

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

IANAL, but, if you were my son and hoping for kids I'd tell you to get married and risk the savings because if you split up it can be harder for unmarried fathers to get access to their children.

I'm not sure how that works with same sex couples - I assume one of you would need to apply for parental responsibility in the same way as unmarried m/f couples?

It's that bit I'd be looking for advice on. If you split up and there are kids involved the money is probably the easy bit to sort out.

Good luck, and congratulations on finding someone you want to build a future with.

Both parents would have PR regardless of sex or marital status as long as they're on the birth certificate. The physical contact/custody depends on loads of stuff but a lot is based on who has spent most time caring for the kids.
WaterBottle123 · 17/08/2021 20:21

I have the same amount in savings OP plus 100 percent of a house. I am never ever getting married. You're crazy to take a 50 percent chance on losing half your wealth!

UggyPow · 17/08/2021 20:21

I would say you both need to see a solicitor as you need to ringfence things - you will probably find they are fine with it.
My cousin & his partner purchased a new house together & they had both inherited previously, so as part of the purchase these amounts were separated & if the partnership broke down those amounts would come out of the ‘pot’ before any remainder was then split jointly.

CovidCorvid · 17/08/2021 20:22

It’s all very well telling the OP not to get married.

But who out the two will be getting pregnant and/or staying at home to raise kids? Because if it’s the OP’s dp then I’d be telling her not to have kids unless she has the security of marriage. It works both ways.

Maybe a pre nup would be a good idea to protect assets gained before any marriage?

2bazookas · 17/08/2021 20:23

If you can't be open and frank about money that suggests an underlying lack of trust or reluctance to share, so I strongly suggest you don't get married.

HosannainExcelSheets · 17/08/2021 20:23

I think you start by saying you want a pre-nup.

moynomore · 17/08/2021 20:23

Everyone saying do tell or don't tell him ... it's a her!

ChipButties · 17/08/2021 20:24

This thread is mad. So one affluent person can’t marry someone else who is potentially not as well off? Are all of you saying ‘what does she bring to the table?’ Or ‘don’t do it’ that if you met a partner richer than you you’d be happy if they didn’t marry you and kept all their savings to themselves and never told you?

This thread is batshit. If someone had posted on here ‘My DH has loads of money but won’t marry me because of it’ the responses would be VERY different.

Also, maybe OPs partner bring love and kindness to the relationship - does she have to just bring cash?

UggyPow · 17/08/2021 20:24

For me the difficulty is that she lives in your house & will never have a chance to purchase her own property & invest in that way.
If you plan children & then the partnership breaks down, she has no tangible assets as the house is yours. Not necessarily an issue but certainly something that needs to be discussed

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 20:24

@WaterBottle123

I have the same amount in savings OP plus 100 percent of a house. I am never ever getting married. You're crazy to take a 50 percent chance on losing half your wealth!
No more crazy than her DP would be to spend years contributing to OP's household, possibly even baring her children, only to end up with nothing because she was never married
Heliachi · 17/08/2021 20:25

This reply has been deleted

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moynomore · 17/08/2021 20:25

And why should someone not marry just because they have a bit of cash in the bank? So bizarre. Although, the fact that you are considering marriage and your partner doesn't know how much money you have saved also is very bizarre to me as well.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 17/08/2021 20:27

bins and there's the rub: "as long as they're on the birth certificate"

If you're married, that's automatic, if you're not it's at the consent of the birthing mother.

If I was looking at this, then I'd be wanting some clarification because we have a family situation which is taking up a lot of energy and causing a lot of upset.

So, if my DD was in your situation, OP, I'd want her to see what the situation is for same sex couples because I've watched what's gone on in my family and thought "nope, don't want my sons to find out how that feels".

To my shame, it hadn't occurred to me that women could be in the same boat. Guess I'm not as inclusive and heteronormative-avoidant as I thought I was...

2bazookas · 17/08/2021 20:27

[quote NCsecret]@SwanShaped I don’t want to keep it as a secret, I’m just not sure how to broach the topic but good advice here on how to![/quote]
"Lets have a big talk about money and property and kids and wills and pensions"

Because you're going to spend the rest of your lives together... aren't you?

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 20:30

I stand corrected @vivariumvivariumsvivaria I thought both went on the birth certificate and if the mother didn't consent then a paternity test could be taken. Although you've made me think because obviously in a same sex relationship the biology wouldn't allow that to happen!

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 20:31

For me the difficulty is that she lives in your house & will never have a chance to purchase her own property & invest in that way.

Why not? Op is paying half the bills. Op is paying the mortgage, aren't they?

So the dp is saving on rent. They can use that to invest. They also earn good money.

Ugzbugz · 17/08/2021 20:31

You've only know him three years, you need to protect your home, equity and vast savings if you get married so some kind of prenuptial or whatever it's called in the UK.

Doesn't marriage mean things become equal? I've never been married and now I have a property I don't intend to as been stung in a former joint property. Never again.

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 20:33

@TableFlowerss I have no idea what you are talking about.

Currently op isn't married. 'Planning to marry' is a long way off. I compared my situation with my dp to ops situation with their dp.

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 20:33

Didn't op clarify they are 2 women?

TractorAndHeadphones · 17/08/2021 20:35

For DP and me savings came up in the course of conversation- he raised his eyebrows the first time I mentioned mine but thought nothing of it thereafter!
Have a full financial sit down with a qualified professional and reveal it then. Your DP should also have the opportunity to accumulate assets as she’s living rent free.

Also - can’t you find some way of ringfencing your 150K? Have you decided which of you is going to be the childbearing parent?

I can see why pp are advising you not to marry but there are so many other benefits to marrying other than just sharing assets (next of kin etc). You should independently take a solicitor’s advice on this as well.

Hekatestorch · 17/08/2021 20:37

@ChipButties

This thread is mad. So one affluent person can’t marry someone else who is potentially not as well off? Are all of you saying ‘what does she bring to the table?’ Or ‘don’t do it’ that if you met a partner richer than you you’d be happy if they didn’t marry you and kept all their savings to themselves and never told you?

This thread is batshit. If someone had posted on here ‘My DH has loads of money but won’t marry me because of it’ the responses would be VERY different.

Also, maybe OPs partner bring love and kindness to the relationship - does she have to just bring cash?

Well money is the main reason I don't want to get married but not the only reason.

If I was with someone wealthier than me, I still wouldn't want to get married.

But then I never wanted to be a sahp and keep working. So never have a need to join finances

My dp earns significantly less than I do. He has always been aware I won't join finances or get married.

He has a choice about wether he wants to be with me or not. And if not getting married is a deal breaker for him, we aren't meant to be.

FreeBritnee · 17/08/2021 20:37

I’m not sure I’d advertise that. I only found out what DP had in savings and vice versa around year 6/7.

JudgeJ · 17/08/2021 20:39

@Bopahula

Honestly. Don't get married. Or find a way to protect your savings.
Excellent advice for men too, or would that suddenly become 'family money'?
BarbaraofSeville · 17/08/2021 20:40

Oh, OP you've spoilt it. If you'd not mentioned for a bit longer that you were both women, you could have watched people tie themselves in knots because they didn't know if you were a financially abusive man or a savvy woman.

Paint69 · 17/08/2021 20:40

@ChipButties couldn't agree more.

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