150k in undisclosed savings

[NCsecret]

First off, I know IABU but not sure how to tel my DP this.

We’ve been together for 3 years and are now engaged (living together in my house). I’ve always been a saver and I have a well paid job. Now things are getting serious, as we’re just engaged and I’m wondering about how to disclose this topic.

DP knows I’m comfortable as obviously I have a good job and a house which I own 50% of. I’ve always been transparent on that.

However, I haven’t mentioned previously that I have also a good amount of cash savings (Excl shares and pensions)

How do I start this convo?

Excellent advice for men too, or would that suddenly become 'family money'?

Yes it is excellent advice. Along with, neither men nor women should become a sahp, living in their dps house and no marriage.

[quote Hekatestorch]@TableFlowerss I have no idea what you are talking about.

Currently op isn't married. 'Planning to marry' is a long way off. I compared my situation with my dp to ops situation with their dp.[/quote]
I’m talking about the fact you compared the situations, but once they’re married, the situations will be vastly different.

OP states they are engaged so assuming they are planning on marrying. You’ve made no reference to wanting to get married etc…

Marriage is a whole different level of bell game regarding finances so it’s not as simple as ‘not telling him….’ That only works when your co-habit, like you!

@NCsecret

I’m female for those who have asked.

Partner has a good job and contributes 50% to bills whilst I pay the mortgages as it’s my house. I don’t know if she has a lot in savings as we haven’t discussed that specifically.

Good advice so far thank you!

If she’s been living rent free and just pays towards bills she’s had ample opportunity to amass her own savings. If she hasn’t done so I would be quite alarmed!

Shocked at PPs. Why even get married if you’re having these thoughts?? What exactly do you believe is the purpose of marriage? If you’re really that cynical about your relationship, just keep it casual and then at least you’re both on the same page.

Sit down for a discussion about finances etc before entering marriage 'so you both know what you're working with' and then just lay it out for her

Say nothing. My boyfriend has no idea what I have in savings, it's not his business.

Do you have thoughts on who will carry the children and/or stay home?

My DP and I were in a similar situation to you, although I'd always mentioned I had fairly substantial savings, and mine were not anything like as much as yours (though my DP had substantial debt, which made the discrepancy between us bigger).

Given you're both women, it money needs to figure into the calculation of who'll take the (likely) career hit and how it will work.

Just to give you a sense of how things stacked up for us - I paid for fertility treatment (which eats at savings); DP carried our DD and had a (short) maternity leave; then I took the career hit at home with DD. That wasn't planned, it was just how it worked out - but it would be very worth thinking what would happen to either of you if you found one of you couldn't go back to work (eg., after a very difficult/damaging pregnancy, or because your priorities radically shifted after DC were a reality).

Bear in mind that only one of you gets child benefit and the pension breaks.

Assuming you will both have parental responsibility, bear in mind that even if you are not married, if you live together in a house owned by you, your DP is likely to acquire some rights, and at the very least (obviously, one would hope!) you couldn't kick her out with the children if you suddenly found things went sour.

(I know it sounds horrible to think like this, but it's a worst case scenario.)

I would say, talk to your partner about what she expects from the relationship and for your future. Not 'what do you expect of my money' but 'what would you want to happen if I couldn't work for a year when the baby is born' or 'if I ended up a SAHM and stopped earning, how would you feel?'. Those sorts of questions. Hopefully those would give you more of a sense of what should happen with the money.

@MojoMoon

"now we are engaged, I want to discuss finances and our future plans."

Topics for discussion

1. current debts and savings
2. future life plans eg having kids/caring for parents/travelling the world/studying for another qualification/moving house. How would you pay for these?
3. retirement planning - what are both of you doing currently for pensions? When do you expect to retire? How will you fund retirment? How much will you need to have saved to fund it realistically?
4. life insurance/critical illness coverage - how would you manage if one of you died or was very ill? Do you have any coverage?
5. making wills - have you done it? What would you want to be in them - leaving everything to each other or would you want something to go to siblings/parents/friends etc

I'd say savings were one element of a much bigger conversation or series of conversations that you need to have before you get married. Don't make a massive deal of that part.

THIS x 1,000,000

This should be taught to every teen, young adult. So many mistakes could be avoided if people had this conversation, and so much wealth created.

I’m talking about the fact you compared the situations, but once they’re married, the situations will be vastly different.

OP states they are engaged so assuming they are planning on marrying. You’ve made no reference to wanting to get married etc…

Marriage is a whole different level of bell game regarding finances so it’s not as simple as ‘not telling him….’ That only works when your co-habit, like you!

No actually, plenty of people have personal savings in marriages.

As of yet, they aren't married. They are just engaged. They could get married in a year or 5 or never.

What difference to the marriage is op savings going to make? Non. It not a negative impact. So if op wants to tell them further down the line or when they are actually married fair enough.

But right now, they aren't married. So I wouldn't say a thing to my dp which is my opinion on what the op should do, in regards to their own dp.

@BarbaraofSeville

Oh, OP you've spoilt it. If you'd not mentioned for a bit longer that you were both women, you could have watched people tie themselves in knots because they didn't know if you were a financially abusive man or a savvy woman.

Ha. Indeed.

The Mumsnet double standard is being well used on this thread.

‘Just to let you know, I’ve got £150k in savings’

Simple.

Assuming you will both have parental responsibility, bear in mind that even if you arenotmarried, if you live together in a house owned by you, your DP is likely to acquire some rights, and at the very least (obviously, one would hope!) you couldn't kick her out with the children if you suddenly found things went sour.

Where do you live? Because this isn't true for all countries of the UK.

Well love, I’ve got something to tell you….. I’m loaded that should do it.

I wouldn’t get married if I had the money. ( If I were the poorer half then of course I’d want to get married.)
Three years is not long.

It isn't just a double standard to have different views on men and women, though.

On average, lesbian couples are substantially worse off than straight couples. Most lesbian couples who have children do so with financial and/or legal interventions of one kind or another. And lesbian couples with children face a double 'mummy penalty' at work. If the OP and her partner hope they'll both TTC, they may end up with biological and financial complications that simply do not apply to straight couples.

It is worth thinking about these things.

Keep quiet about the savings and don't get married. With the law as it stands regarding pre-nups in England and Wales (assuming Scotland also) then marrying someone with significantly less assets than you is a horrific risk and not to be contemplated unless you want to be gutted financially in the event of a divorce.

If your partner likes you that much then they will have to accept that the price of being with you is no marriage.

TBH, if you CAN'T have the conversation Sarah just laid out, you shouldn't get married.

I didn't. Got married, had kids, one got sick and so I didn't work for years. He did, so we were fine financially but he resents that I didn't contribute to the mortgage and conveniently forgets the amount of work he was able to do because I was at the hospital/juggling everything with the other two/managing a very stressful situation alone so he could pay the bills. I landed up being a support human for about 10 years.

Happily, DS is a hulking, healthy teenager now, but I will never recover the pension contributions and career pathway. I have to work hard at not being resentful about that, and DH's attitude. I did contribute, just not financially because there was constant crisis management, which has been forgotten by DH because he didn't have to do it. So much for "in sickness and in health".

I wish we'd had a hard conversation before we'd married because if I knew then what I know now I'd have thought twice.

@Hekatestorch

Assuming you will both have parental responsibility, bear in mind that even if you arenotmarried, if you live together in a house owned by you, your DP is likely to acquire some rights, and at the very least (obviously, one would hope!) you couldn't kick her out with the children if you suddenly found things went sour.

Where do you live? Because this isn't true for all countries of the UK.

I apologise - thanks for clarifying. OP, it might apply and worth checking out!

On a peripheral note, unless you are mega rich with variable cash needs £150,000 in cash is far too much. You should look at global equity funds to get some real growth. That is the real issue to me.

Quite. Does anyone really believe this OP is real? Come on.

@Hekatestorch

I’m talking about the fact you compared the situations, but once they’re married, the situations will be vastly different.

OP states they are engaged so assuming they are planning on marrying. You’ve made no reference to wanting to get married etc…

Marriage is a whole different level of bell game regarding finances so it’s not as simple as ‘not telling him….’ That only works when your co-habit, like you!

No actually, plenty of people have personal savings in marriages.

As of yet, they aren't married. They are just engaged. They could get married in a year or 5 or never.

What difference to the marriage is op savings going to make? Non. It not a negative impact. So if op wants to tell them further down the line or when they are actually married fair enough.

But right now, they aren't married. So I wouldn't say a thing to my dp which is my opinion on what the op should do, in regards to their own dp.

Plenty of people might have personal savings within marriages, but if they split up, that matters not one iota. Once you’re married all finances as equal and will be split that way.

Saying don’t tell her is fair enough enough, if they don’t get married but you would assume that they will at some point.

@Bopahula

Honestly. Don't get married. Or find a way to protect your savings.

yip..

or protect your savings in a Pre-nup...

say Nothing to your partner yet

[quote NCsecret]@SwanShaped I don’t want to keep it as a secret, I’m just not sure how to broach the topic but good advice here on how to![/quote]

in that case.. if you want to tell her just tell her..

its no big deal if you lose half in divorce right ☺️

Not answering the question, but you should pay off more of your mortgage than keep all that cash in whatever it is invested in and is not reaping sufficient interest to offset your cumulative mortgage interest costs.

Second maybe you need to keep back some cash (quite a lot really) to pay for IVF or similar.

Thirdly if you are doing a DIY insemination, your partner will have zero parental rights unless you are married. It’s different if you are going via a licensed fertility clinic.

You need to have lots more conversations!

@MojoMoon

"now we are engaged, I want to discuss finances and our future plans."

Topics for discussion

1. current debts and savings
2. future life plans eg having kids/caring for parents/travelling the world/studying for another qualification/moving house. How would you pay for these?
3. retirement planning - what are both of you doing currently for pensions? When do you expect to retire? How will you fund retirment? How much will you need to have saved to fund it realistically?
4. life insurance/critical illness coverage - how would you manage if one of you died or was very ill? Do you have any coverage?
5. making wills - have you done it? What would you want to be in them - leaving everything to each other or would you want something to go to siblings/parents/friends etc

I'd say savings were one element of a much bigger conversation or series of conversations that you need to have before you get married. Don't make a massive deal of that part.

This! You should be having this conversation before you get married, along with discussing whether money will be kept separate or shared. I'm confused by the replies here telling you not to disclose it/to protect yourself. You are planning to spend your life with this woman, why would you not tell her you have some savings. In my home we share everything, we each brought different finances, possessions, life skills to the partnership and share it all openly and willingly, I can't imagine living any other way.

Plenty of people might have personal savings within marriages, but if they split up, that matters not one iota. Once you’re married all finances as equal and will be split that way.

Saying don’t tell her is fair enough enough, if they don’t get married but you would assume that they will at some point.

But as I said, I was speaking about her and her dp. If they do get married, then obviously that changes. But she still doesn't have to tell her if she doesn't want to, in my opinion.

No I would assume they would get married. Plenty of people get engaged multiple times. Have multiple relationships that don't end in marriage.

Besides which, a couple of posts later I told op I would get married at all. I would keep separate finances and if they have kids, I would want us both to reduce our work, rather than one giving up work. Or both work full time.

Obviously, if they decide one is going to be a sahp, as a joint decision that changes things again.

But right now, recently engaged with no shared assets, I stand by what I said. I wouldn't tell her.