Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

Those kids are going to grow up feeling desperately unwanted and rejected by everyone.

That's on their parents, not OP.

@BudrosBudrosGalli

Please ignore the goady feckers on this thread *@JudgeJerry*. There is a longstanding tradition of virtue-signalling weirdos on these threads of people who are very liberal with the financial and time resources of others. And yet, if anyone were to follow those preposterous expectations, there would be a chorus of posters calling you a pathetic doormat. Fact is that you are still very young and spent years being taken for granted and exploited by an entitled fucker of the highest order. You were emotionally blackmailed into becoming the caretaker and skivvy by a ruthless pisstaker. This according to you was the among the main reason for your split. So, why on earth would you continue to enable this CF without any possible benefits of a relationship. It isn’t an easy situation and you need to steel yourself against the emotional blackmail from all sides. The only person/s you owe anything to is yourself and your own DC. Take a total break, severe all ties to reset any outrageous expectations. Going forward, if your ex stops being an outrageous CF, you can arrange for a few special meetings/outings with your DSC. I would stipulate that those are somewhere where you don’t have to cook, pick up his DC or have to go out of your way to relieve him form his own parental duties. Perhaps a nice dinner in some child-friendly restaurant every 2-3 weeks, which he pays for his DC! He will have to drop off and collect them. That way, it sets a very clear signal that it is purely about contact and quality time with them.

Excellent advice, I agree with all of this

@dancerdog

So, just to be clear, if the OP were to re-marry then divorce someone else with children, she would be obliged also to retain responsibilities for them too??? That would be a busy school run.

Insane isn't it!!

I'm really surprised by some of the attitudes in this thread. I agree that yes the OP does seem to have been used as unpaid childcare for 4 years. On the other hand she is the mother of the these children's other sibling and she was presumably aware of this situation when she married their father. How can she not have developed some love for these children after being their primary carer for so long? She feels obligated to have some sort of continuing relationship with them but doesn't seem to particularly want this. I find this very sad.
None of this is the children's fault. Clearly it is going to hurt them very much to have contact with the OP severed but some people are advocating for this. No wonder so many children are so damaged if this is how adults behave.
@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop
So if you have 2 children by 2 different men you think it is a safeguarding concern for the father to take both children on holiday because one of the children isn't biologically his? This is an absolutely bizarre attitude

I've been that workaholic and it takes a firm sharp shock to change the situation.

I don't agree with PP that you should essentially carry on caring for the children almost 24/7 as their father isn't willing to - I don't think that's what's best for them. They need their father to step up and sadly by you doing it he isn't getting the sharp shock he needs to help him see that he has no option but to change.

Agree with PP. Maybe look at this situation as like when a nanny moves on. There must be children whose parents have checked out and who do become very attached to a nanny but no one would expect this person to provide free childcare once their contract was ended

@ SpidersAreShitheads
“I find it quite sad, very sad actually, that the OP doesn't seem to be bothered whether she sees her stepchildren any more. “

If the OP wasn’t bothered do you think she would have started this thread ?
Why is the onus on the OP to maintain contact ? Why isn’t the DC’s father doing it ? Just saying “ he’s useless” is letting him off the hook .
My adult DC have step siblings through their father’s subsequent marriages . Ex wasn’t interested in facilitating contact when marriages broke down.

Apologies - half siblings

@DancingQueen85

I'm really surprised by some of the attitudes in this thread. I agree that yes the OP does seem to have been used as unpaid childcare for 4 years. On the other hand she is the mother of the these children's other sibling and she was presumably aware of this situation when she married their father. How can she not have developed some love for these children after being their primary carer for so long? She feels obligated to have some sort of continuing relationship with them but doesn't seem to particularly want this. I find this very sad. None of this is the children's fault. Clearly it is going to hurt them very much to have contact with the OP severed but some people are advocating for this. No wonder so many children are so damaged if this is how adults behave. *@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop* So if you have 2 children by 2 different men you think it is a safeguarding concern for the father to take both children on holiday because one of the children isn't biologically his? This is an absolutely bizarre attitude

"How can she not have developed some love for these children" is just an obtuse guilt trip. Her relationship with them is wrapped up with being pushed into looking after them by her coercive ex, a situation bad enough to cause the relationship to break down. It's not shocking that she wouldn't be overcome with love at the end of that. Perhaps the four years she spent as their primary carer was not a positive experience. Equally, it's not shocking if, even if she does love them, she doesn't want to do any regular childcare for them. Just like grandparents and aunts and uncles who don't want to provide childcare. You can be shocked all you want by that but it's just naive pearl clutching.

As for "it's going to hurt them very much yet posters are advocating for that" - so does actual parents divorcing, I'd wager considerably more. And people advocate for that without it being seen as shocking that you would consider hurting a child. Sometimes the feelings and circumstances of the adults are important enough that the child needs to experience some sadness and disappointment. When that adult is their parent, that means parents living apart, time split between two households. When it's a step parent, it means them stepping out of their lives. No I don't see the latter as worse than the former, especially when the kids don't see their step parent as mum or dad. It's just the nature of that relationship. If you don't want to expose your kids to somebody they would lose if you couldn't get the relationship to work, then you shouldn't, as a parent, get into a relationship, because you can't expect them to hang around forever for the sake of you and your kids, especially after you treated them poorly.

Ultimately, it is up to parents to prioritise their children so much they might sacrifice their own happiness for them. It's certainly not shocking that a step parent wouldn't, when many parents themselves don't.

No wonder so many children are so damaged if this is how adults behave.

No wonder so many children are so damaged if this is how their parents behave. Fixed that for you.

Yes! What @loulous1985 said!! Very clear analysis and recommendations. 🌹

@Newestname001

Yes! What *@loulous1985* said!! Very clear analysis and recommendations. 🌹

To be clear, @loulous1985 comments at 08:05 Thurs 19 Aug 2021 🌹

@aSofaNearYou
How about in the case of an adoptive parent. Would you not hope that they would develop love towards their children after 4 years of caring for them? Would it be acceptable for them to severe all ties after this amount of time ?

I suppose I have met more nannies than ex step mothers, but I'm sure children who have spent the bulk of their waking hours being cared for 1-2-1 by a nanny Monday- Friday would find it hard when that nanny moves to another job. But it happens. And noone suggests a nanny should continue to have her former charges regularly to maintain that relationship.

I don't have the stats on this but I would imagine quite a few workaholic types wreck more than one relationship. So as a pp said, taken to its logical conclusion, step children becoming a lifelong commitment could leave some people (women) with a whole tribe of unrelated dependents.

You can't assume a person will learn from a relationship breakdown. Hopefully some do.

I have said this on this thread already, but my main concern would be to make the contact with the youngest DC work. That's going to be challenge enough.

Adoption is different, DancingQueen. Had OP adopted her DSC, they would be her DC without the S. She didn't. They aren't. They have two parents.

What's your point? You might as well ask her whether she'd act differently had she given birth to them.

OP needs to stop setting herself on fire to keep other people warm while they shout at her that they're still a little chilly.

Thanks again everyone. There's some wonderful advice on here and I really appreciate it, even those disagreeing with me (apart from a few nasty posters who I'm still waiting to hear what they actually think I should do practically!).

I think after reading and digesting everything, the best thing for me to do right now is to have a clean break for now. I don't think it will help the situation at all to make promises and schedules with him. There is a lot still to work out without this in the mix as well and it's one added stress and argument which we don't need to have right now. I will assure the children when we speak to them that they can always call me and I will say to them privately away from him that we'll get together soon but leave it at that and once the dust has settled from the initial leaving I'll see if they want to go out somewhere. If that goes well we can look to make it a regular thing but on the basis that it's requested by me in a 'are DC free to do X today' kind of way. Sleepovers may be possible in the future of DC request it as an occasional thing.

A few poster's have asked how I can't have love for children I've cared for for 4 years. I have not actually said this and have in fact said the opposite. I do love them, in our own way. No the love is not the love I have for my child and I am sure some will be shocked to hear that or that I am looking forward to not having the ties to this situation anymore once I leave. I think ASofa touched on the reason well, frankly as much as the children are of course blameless, the past 4 years have been a chore and absolutely not a positive experience in my life. I imagine I wouldn't feel this way if their Dad had done what he should have done from the outset but unfortunately he didn't and therefore unfortunately my feelings are tainted by this. A few poster's have brought up what I'd do if social services called tomorrow and said they couldn't be with their Dad or Mother, I'm assuming the hint being that I should offer to have them live with me. Unfortunately I don't believe that's something I could do.

I do care about the children, of course I do. I want them to be happy. But spending my life trying to solve the problems of their parents is not how I want to spend it and trying to do so would be absolutely detrimental to myself and my DC too.

@MoreAloneTime

Agree with PP. Maybe look at this situation as like when a nanny moves on. There must be children whose parents have checked out and who do become very attached to a nanny but no one would expect this person to provide free childcare once their contract was ended

Actually I think this is an excellent suggestion.

My DC had an amazing nanny from a very young age till they started secondary school.

She's one of my closest friends now, and when my DC had moved up to secondary school sometimes she'd message them to go to her house after school (school was near her) and DC would have tea with her and her DC.

DC are now older teens and contact her directly to tell her things eg exam grades etc.

She's regarded as a favourite and very cherished aunty.

OP needs to stop setting herself on fire to keep other people warm while they shout at her that they're still a little chilly

Sorry - just live that!!

Sums up motherhood perfectly.

Op you owe your ex nothing, he's taking advantage of you as a nanny and maid, it's your time now to focus on your and your dc not your dsc, I think your suggestion of going for tea is very fair. For those having ago at op why should she still do wife work for her ex and make his life easier it whats caused the issues in the first place not parenting his dc its down to him to set up not op. Is op expected to provide childcare and even when ex meets someone else? Of course not. Sounds like your ex is treating you like a replacement mum. You sound lovely BTW op.

[quote DancingQueen85]@aSofaNearYou
How about in the case of an adoptive parent. Would you not hope that they would develop love towards their children after 4 years of caring for them? Would it be acceptable for them to severe all ties after this amount of time ? [/quote]
I don't really see the comparison. Adoptive parents choose to adopt knowing they will then be responsible for that child from then on. I did this because no one else was (not because they couldn't) at the time and I was there and felt I had no choice. I haven't adopted the DC.

Great update OP.

Get away first and THEN on YOUR terms see what you want.

But do not rush into anything.

He will be waiting to dump them on you, the first chance he gets.

When are you moving out?

@NewlyGranny
I agree that it is not the same relationship as an adoptive parent but nor is it comparable to a nanny which people have mentioned numerous times. They are not her biological children but they are biologically related to her child and she has been their primary carer for 4 years. I would have expected a strong bond to have formed whereby she would want to see continue seeing them not feel obligated to do so.

@JudgeJerry -What a lovely, mature and caring post. Good luck with the future

You are considering the best for your dc and yourself. After all, if you end up being ground down (you're only 28 after all) with other people's expectations, then that will harm not just your own dc, but will also impact on the dcs, whom it is obvious that you still care for.

@ApplyWithin

The thing I find sad is that the OP’s child is being separated from her siblings. The OP may not be related to the other children but, through her own child, she has a lifelong connection to them. Her child and the other children share a father and have been raised together. She’s breaking up a sibling group. That’s going to be devastating for them.

No? The sibling group is being broken because a lazy workaholic bus and has pushed her to the edge.