Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

I think a lot of people are projecting here.
You don't have to love anyone else's children. You don't even have to love your nieces and nephews. Seeing someone a lot does not mean you have to love them- otherwise my kids' primary school teachers and childminders would love my kids more than I do.

Your sc inadequate parents aren't your fault. Like other pp have said, you can agree to be a kind of aunty, until exdh finds a new woman to guilt trip.

@Phineyj

I don't have the stats on this but I would imagine quite a few workaholic types wreck more than one relationship. So as a pp said, taken to its logical conclusion, step children becoming a lifelong commitment could leave some people (women) with a whole tribe of unrelated dependents.

You can't assume a person will learn from a relationship breakdown. Hopefully some do.

I have said this on this thread already, but my main concern would be to make the contact with the youngest DC work. That's going to be challenge enough.

Surely lots of stepmothers aren't as involved as the OP though. Having kids round for tea once a week and eow is probably less than I saw some of my children's friends when they were growing up and I don't think anyone thought I had any duty to them.

I find it quite sad, very sad actually, that the OP doesn't seem to be bothered whether she sees her stepchildren any more. In her own words, she was the primary carer for two small children for four years - how do you not build up a close bond in that time?

Probably because it's a non-blood relationship that's been forced on her, that exhausts her and one that somebody else should be taking the lead in maintaining - how do you not see that that would build resentment?

Incidentally, my DP isn't the father to my DC, but he's been in their life for some time. I know absolutely that if we split he'd be heartbroken not to still have contact with them even though they're only stepchildren to him - and they would be devastated to lose him too.

Does he also do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, homework, school runs, emotional and physical Labour and days out whilst working full time and while you say "I just don't have the time to do it all dear?"???

Obviously the OP doesn't have to answer but I'm wondering now what lead their mum to break away from them - was the dad chipping away happily at her mental health and putting all the pressure on her? This happened to my step brother, his mum had a nervous breakdown and ended up in an inpatient MH unit because she did EVERYTHING with a already fragile state of mind. And he rarely saw her growing up and sadly he was a trigger for her for the time she was so ill and suicidal she struggled to be around him and not feel those desperate feelings again.

@DancingQueen85 yes I do find it a safeguarding concern that someone would send their child on holiday with a man who isn't their parent. I can't imagine what kind of parent would be ok with this.

Excellent, rational and emotionally mature update @JudgeJerry.

Am keeping my fingers crossed for your next conversation with your husband but I think you are certainly strong enough to fight your corner and not be controlled further. 🌹

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop
Are you being serious!? You have some serious paranoia. My friend is not a random male, he is the biological father of one of the children and ex step parent of the other. Their Mum has allowed him to take both kids on holiday. Do you seriously see an issue with this?

As for "it's going to hurt them very much yet posters are advocating for that" - so does actual parents divorcing, I'd wager considerably more. And people advocate for that without it being seen as shocking that you would consider hurting a child. Sometimes the feelings and circumstances of the adults are important enough that the child needs to experience some sadness and disappointment

Absolutely this!!!

I broke my children's' hearts in two when I left their dad. But he was a cheating, lazy, useless parent who had changed and turned into a racist, sexist entitled pig thanks to a bit of online brainwashing. It got to the point where my needs to leave were greater than theirs to stay - and whilst they were heartbroken at first in the long run it is much better for them that they aren't in a toxic tense and unhappy household.

That's life. Kids don't always get their way. Tough.

[quote DancingQueen85]@NewlyGranny
I agree that it is not the same relationship as an adoptive parent but nor is it comparable to a nanny which people have mentioned numerous times. They are not her biological children but they are biologically related to her child and she has been their primary carer for 4 years. I would have expected a strong bond to have formed whereby she would want to see continue seeing them not feel obligated to do so.[/quote]
I was with my ex for 15 years and didn't have a close bond with his daughters, it doesn't always happen for one reason or another and OP has explained why

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

As for "it's going to hurt them very much yet posters are advocating for that" - so does actual parents divorcing, I'd wager considerably more. And people advocate for that without it being seen as shocking that you would consider hurting a child. Sometimes the feelings and circumstances of the adults are important enough that the child needs to experience some sadness and disappointment

Absolutely this!!!

I broke my children's' hearts in two when I left their dad. But he was a cheating, lazy, useless parent who had changed and turned into a racist, sexist entitled pig thanks to a bit of online brainwashing. It got to the point where my needs to leave were greater than theirs to stay - and whilst they were heartbroken at first in the long run it is much better for them that they aren't in a toxic tense and unhappy household.

That's life. Kids don't always get their way. Tough.

How dare you have left him @FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop, according to some on here you should have stayed and been miserable as long as the kids were happy

Good luck @JudgeJerry. You sound like a very wise young woman. I wish you and your child a very happy and secure future

It's very very easy to say my DP would be 'heartbroken' want to have my child over EOW and mid week and do all school runs blah, when it isn't a reality and not yet anything approaching one. I doubt very much anyone's male ex would continue doing school runs and have their step child one night a week and do mid week teas etc. The amazing examples given have been they took my child on holiday, a bit different from the daily drudgery. I invite my DC friends who are kids to come on holiday with us too.

I have no delusions that the world loves my little darlings as much as I do.

Regardless as to how long an adult has been in a child's life, an unrelated adult has no obligations to carry on parental duties when they are not the parent (and have no legal obligations or rights).

I mean I know a lot shit of fathers who refuse, so why on earth should a woman who has already sacrificed many years being the carer then go on to be expected to put her life on hold to play skivvy to her ex husband?

I wish feckless fathers (and I know many many many of them so I mean fathers) had the same societal pressure and disgust aimed at them. And this thread is actually a reflection on a spectacularly shit non father and his non existent parenting.

I'm glad OP hasn't agreed to carry on parenting her ex's DC. They need parenting and love form their own father, not an outside person who is guilted and feels sorry for them into doing it.

Seriously hope this man has no further DC.

@thanksforyourcommentrandomman
Were you their primary carer from the ages of 5-8? Had their mother also abandoned them? If not then not really a comparable situation.
I feel desperately sorry for these poor children but it sounds as though the OP has made her decision which she is entitled to make, so there is not much more to say about it really.

Thanks for the update JJ at 9.38am today. I agree. Best to have that break from them and there is no legal obligation to pay towards them unless you were doing so when they were with you and they became a "child of the family" under English divorce law and anyway no one has raised the question of your paying for them in any way - just the issue of physically being lumbered with them by their father!

I repeat my advice above that you do see a solicitor about the financial aspects of both separation and divorce (and remember in England finances are divided by the court at the date that is worked out not separation and various other complex things like that so assets you might build up since the separation and before you have a divorce "consent order" on the finances or before the court makes a financial order (if indeed you ever divorce) can be based on the financial situation later than you think. If the family home is onl in the husband's name you can register at the land registry today your spousal right of occupation there too.

Another thing to remember is a new will right away - won't take you long to do - otherwise the law will leave stuff to the separated husband which is probably the last thing you want.

[quote DancingQueen85]@aSofaNearYou
How about in the case of an adoptive parent. Would you not hope that they would develop love towards their children after 4 years of caring for them? Would it be acceptable for them to severe all ties after this amount of time ? [/quote]
An adoptive parent is completely different, they sought out the same level of connection as a biological parent. The OP neither sought that out, or became an actual parent to them.

JudgeJerry you've have done/are doing more than enough!
I think you've made the right decision.

He has his kids and he needs to put all 3 of them first.
Although you can care for your step kids, you have one child and you need to put them first.

These step children have 2 parents and although both of them are practically useless, it's not your job to parent and run their lives.

Yes it's unbelievably sad their parents dont care enough to really parent them,but it's not your job to enable these two adults to keep being shit parents. Good luck!!!

@frazzledasarock
I gave the example of my friend who has take his DC and ex step child on holiday. He also has both kids regularly, for over nights, mid week teas, days out and all the other things you've mentioned. I hadn't realised how unusual this set up was until joining this thread. Yes I know there are a lot of absent fathers around but surely this should be the ideal set up which people strive for. Instead people have encouraged the OP to step back from the step kids which she has taken on board and the kids are going to be abandoned by another adult in their lives. I find this very sad indeed

[quote DancingQueen85]@thanksforyourcommentrandomman
Were you their primary carer from the ages of 5-8? Had their mother also abandoned them? If not then not really a comparable situation.
I feel desperately sorry for these poor children but it sounds as though the OP has made her decision which she is entitled to make, so there is not much more to say about it really.[/quote]
@DancingQueen85 you have absolutely no right at all the dictate which situations people should 'love' their step children. Nobody is obliged to and nobody is a bad person if they don't

I was with my ex for 15 years and didn't have a close bond with his daughters, it doesn't always happen for one reason or another and OP has explained why

I've been with my DP for 6 years and I don't have a strong bond with his kids. It's not guaranteed and the circumstances surrounding the relationship with a partner's kids will inevitably determine how strong that bond is (or not). It's really not just always a straightforward case of being in step parent role equals strong loving bond. There are so many complicating factors at play with kids that aren't yours (by either biology or legal adoption).

@JudgeJerry that’s a very sensible, measured and caring update. I think it’s absolutely the right course of action. You clearly wouldn’t be in this predicament if your DH had stood up to the plate and even co parented rather than you doing virtually everything.

Incidentally for one so young you write and sound pretty impressive to me, you also seem very reflective and self-aware now, even if you weren’t at 21 when you got enmeshed in all this. My DDs are a similar age to you and I’d be very impressed if they handled themselves as you are doing now and if you were my daughter I’d be supporting the very sensible decision you’ve come too.

I wish you luck and I hope the separation goes as smoothly as possible and your DH finally does the right thing by all of his DC.

[quote DancingQueen85]@frazzledasarock
I gave the example of my friend who has take his DC and ex step child on holiday. He also has both kids regularly, for over nights, mid week teas, days out and all the other things you've mentioned. I hadn't realised how unusual this set up was until joining this thread. Yes I know there are a lot of absent fathers around but surely this should be the ideal set up which people strive for. Instead people have encouraged the OP to step back from the step kids which she has taken on board and the kids are going to be abandoned by another adult in their lives. I find this very sad indeed [/quote]
But WHY do you find it 'sad indeed'?

For a start, people flit in and out our lives all the time. That's life! We can't protect children from every single little adversity and go out our way (even when it's hugely detrimental to us) to keep life as it was. Unless you want them to have absolutely no coping skills whatsoever.

Secondly not every blended family is a Brady Bunch style roaring success. Some people have completely indifferent feelings towards their step parents, not everyone develops love and people can even be comfortable not developing that love. If you're a half decent actual parent then it won't matter either way.

You haven't answered my question about how you think it would work practically: Should OP still throw them birthday parties? Or get a bigger house to accommodate weekly visits you think she should have? Is she going to be in their weddings? Pay towards University?

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop
WTF are you talking about. How am I dictating to people. What a strange thing to say.
You seem to be picking and choosing which of my comments you're responding to.
It would be great to hear more about how you feel it is a safeguarding issue for my friend to take his own biological child and his ex step child who he lived with for a number of years, on holiday?

I do care about the children, of course I do. I want them to be happy. But spending my life trying to solve the problems of their parents is not how I want to spend it and trying to do so would be absolutely detrimental to myself and my DC too.

This is absolutely spot on, OP. Best of luck with it all.

Good luck for the next stage of life, OP. You sound like a caring and thoughtful person and I think you've made good decisions here. Stay strong and trust your instincts.