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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

380 replies

thecatmother · 17/08/2021 10:11

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

OP posts:

Cheeseplantboots · 18/08/2021 20:51

I’d be absolutely furious! I have a step daughter and there is no way I would have done something like that without her mums permission. She’s bang out or order .

marktayloruk · 18/08/2021 21:08

What is wrong with pierced ears?

Elsajk · 18/08/2021 21:11

Hahahaha god Mumsnet is bat shit crazy when it comes to ear piercings

Having a hypothetical anaphylactic shock from your ears being pierced
Assault
Police
Going to the shop and moaning to them 😅
Writing letters!

Seriously don't people have better things to do?
It's just ear piercings! So what?
What is the issue? Really come on now.

Ginger1982 · 18/08/2021 21:22

@marktayloruk

What is wrong with pierced ears?

Don't be dim, it's about the massive overstepping of boundaries.

manhattenrain · 18/08/2021 21:25

I'd be so mad. You need to have a talk about what's appropriate and what's not because by the sounds of things she has no clue.

manhattenrain · 18/08/2021 21:28

@marktayloruk

What is wrong with pierced ears?

It's not that there's anything wrong with pierced ears but she isn't the child's parent nor did she ask the child's parents permission to get it done. Both parents should have approved it before she got her ears pierced.

Popsicle438 · 18/08/2021 21:30

I would be angry too, it' s overstepping a mark. But,

I'd go to the shop and find out what happened. It's a serious abuse of trust

How were the shop to know that the adult with the child wasn't a parent? They can't question every customer to find out if the adult has the legal right to have a child's ears pierced.

mathanxiety · 18/08/2021 21:33

My biggest lesson learnt: is to always try and find a compromise, putting the DD and family peace in the centre of it.

@thecatmother
I have many years of family court behind me too.

The lesson I learned is that children's best interests and family peace are sometimes mutually incompatible, and you need to be prepared to pull out the big guns occasionally, because otherwise a natural or learned inclination to not rock the boat might cause you to put the interests of the children second.

A lot depends on the ex and what sort of parent he is. Yours sucks as a parent. I assume because you mention your many years of family court that he was also difficult to divorce.

I would be considering requesting an annual review with a family mediator so that issues like negligence can be discussed and remedies agreed to.

Yorkshiretolondon · 18/08/2021 21:34

@Meatshake

I would hate the piecing but also be concerned that there's an adult in your daughters life who is encouraging grown up behaviour and secrets from her parents. That's not a good thing at all.

How long have ex/gf been together? Is it an established relationship? I'd be wary of DD being treated like an accessory.

Agree

Boredmotherofone · 18/08/2021 21:36

@thecatmother I understand this, honestly I do. I'm a single parent too (although my DD's Dad is dead so there will never be a stepparent).

However where do you draw the line? You can only keep the peace to a certain point. What does this woman need to do to your DD before it becomes a case of safeguarding vs peace? I'm not criticising you, honestly I'm not. I'm genuinely asking.

Yorkshiretolondon · 18/08/2021 21:36

@Elsajk

Hahahaha god Mumsnet is bat shit crazy when it comes to ear piercings

Having a hypothetical anaphylactic shock from your ears being pierced
Assault
Police
Going to the shop and moaning to them 😅
Writing letters!

Seriously don't people have better things to do?
It's just ear piercings! So what?
What is the issue? Really come on now.

Wow

mathanxiety · 18/08/2021 21:40

How were the shop to know that the adult with the child wasn't a parent? They can't question every customer to find out if the adult has the legal right to have a child's ears pierced.

They can where I live (US). No ID, no proof of age/relationship, no piercing.

This could be done in the UK too, and iirc parental consent is required in Scotland for under-16s wishing to have a piercing.

mathanxiety · 18/08/2021 21:41

Agree with @Boredmotherofone

Pallisers · 18/08/2021 21:45

How were the shop to know that the adult with the child wasn't a parent? They can't question every customer to find out if the adult has the legal right to have a child's ears pierced.

Same as mathanxiety, I brought my teenager to have her ears pierced - both of us had ID. They refused to do it without her birth certificate showing relationship.

hareagain · 18/08/2021 21:58

Fwiw, i was out shopping with my grandmother on my ninth birthday and she took me for my ears piercing because that is what i said i wanted. My mother didn't know and said 'I'd rather you had wait a couple more years DD'. Im really pleased she didn't call the police or sue my grandmother.
I think you all need to calm down a tad.

Rosebel · 18/08/2021 22:00

I'd be furious. DHs grandmother did this to his cousins daughter. Had her for the day and when her mum picked her up she had pierced ears. She was 3. Funnily enough I never let her look after my daughter.
YANBU to be angry. No matter what his gf had no right to do that and I'd insist that she wasn't left alone with your daughter again.

BoredZelda · 18/08/2021 22:00

Sounds like you found a good resolution. I would have been absolutely fuming about it, but if done without ex’s knowledge and GF genuinely didn’t see an issue, I guess there isn’t much else that can be done about it. She now knows not to do stuff without checking, and I assume words were had with 9 year old about not telling lies that “mum said it was ok”, that’s al, that can be done.

Wineandroses3 · 18/08/2021 22:01

OMG I would be absolutely FUMING at this! How dare she do that to your daughter? Also I would be worried whether it was clean, hygienic etc , that is an absolute liberty! Can’t believe anyone would actually think it ok to do that to someone else’s child! She come back with a tattoo next time! You need to deal with this and make it absolutely this is not ok!!!

Itsmeagainandagain · 18/08/2021 22:06

@Zzzzzzxxx

It dosn't sound like she went some where reputable as most won’t pierce under 12’s. I would make sure it wasn’t used with a gun. That’s an absolutely awful thing to do. I am a non violent person but I am not sure I would keep my cool if I was in your situation.

My daughter was 6 when she got her ears done in claires

MyChemicalMummy · 18/08/2021 22:07

I pierce ears in the jewellers I work in, you have to get the legal guardian of parent to sign the consent form, find out where they were done and kick of at them too. But they could have lied about being Mum or legal guardian.

LizzieW1969 · 18/08/2021 22:09

Claire’s didn’t check ID to confirm that I was my DDs’ parent when they had their ears pierced, they just asked me to sign a form to give my permission.

So it isn’t the case that ID is automatically requested, though it should be.

Nocutenamesleft · 18/08/2021 22:10

@Elsajk

Hahahaha god Mumsnet is bat shit crazy when it comes to ear piercings

Having a hypothetical anaphylactic shock from your ears being pierced
Assault
Police
Going to the shop and moaning to them 😅
Writing letters!

Seriously don't people have better things to do?
It's just ear piercings! So what?
What is the issue? Really come on now.

So would you be happy if someone pierced your daughter septum?

Or belly button at 8-9? Or had one in her cheeks?£?

It’s a hole in the body of W child end not even her child!!!

It’s not the piercing per se. It’s the pretending to be someone’s parents and gotten a piercing. Which is illegal

mstroutpout · 18/08/2021 22:14

People - ITS NOT ILLEGAL!

steppemum · 18/08/2021 22:14

@Zzzzzzxxx

this is not true.

They do need parents consent. I think I had to sign a form for my dds when they got them done, but they were year 6, which is aged 10.

Also, I read all the time on here not to use a gun, but most piercing studios won't do it with a needle for younger kids, they will only use a gun for kids.

I think this has crossed a massive line and I would be furious too.
If it was your ex doing it, that would be different, also and issue, but different. But the gf has no right to do this, and I would nip it in the bud quickly

Nocutenamesleft · 18/08/2021 22:15

@mstroutpout

People - ITS NOT ILLEGAL!

I apologise. I thought it was.

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