Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

[thecatmother]

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

@mathanxiety

Regardless of the explanation and the assurance, you need to talk to DD and find out what else has been going on.

You would have to be spectacularly thick to believe piercing the ears of a minor not related to you would be ok. She must have believed your exH would be ok with it, and you need to talk to him to make sure permanent changes to your DD'S body are to be discussed between you and him alone. What if the GF decided genital mutilation was a 'cultural present'? A tattoo? Botox? More piercings?

A tattoo, FGM and Botox as well as intimate piercings are all illegal if under age so I don't think we can make a comparison

I mean, obviously FGM full stop, not just underage!

Not having permission aside. I wouldn't be happy either.

I'm sure it won't be costume jewellery. Tattoo studios around here use needles and titanium studs. They have different coloured diamonds in them. I wouldn't just let them heal up now either. It's done now and your DD wanted it done so taking them out isn't going to change anything. Plus as a bonus it's bloody expensive so you've saved yourself a ton of cash.

@thecatmother sounds like you handled it really well and with dignity. You are a great example to your DD.

Good outcome in general.
I hope both your DD and the GF understand that this is not a situation that is to be repeated - because DD has essentially "got away with it" - she got her ears pierced 2 years ahead of when you originally said she could. I understand that YOU have told them both that it's not to be repeated - I just hope that they have both taken it fully on board!

You are definitely a better person than I am - far more mature in your handling of this than I would have been!

I am not saying that you are unreasonable for being upset OP. I would be too. I just feel that it is best not to demonize the girlfriend. I agree 100% that she exercised bad judgment. No question. But making an enormous issue about it is likely to put your daughter in the middle and may have repercussions that affect her for years.

Your daughter could wind up with the girlfriend as her stepmother and even siblings. Unless there is abuse or real harm my experience (long) in a blended family is that it is best to keep the conflict away from the children.

By all means have a serious talk with your ex and tell him that his girlfriend really, really overstepped. Ask him to explain that to her clearly and to let her know you were very upset. If need be, have a meeting as adults and discuss boundaries. But keep this from your daughter.

Forbidding her to see her father or his girlfriend over this is ill advised probably. It will confuse her. It will create future issues you can't predict now.

I am sorry OP this happened and upset you so much.

I just read that you spoke to gf. Sorry. Good for you, it sounds like you can move forward now.

Good for you OP, that is a great outcome and a reasonable one too.

It's great that you could both communicate and come to an understanding, your DD must feel so comfortable with that approach

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

That sounds like a good result OP. a8mint a dad only has equal rights if he also has equal responsibility. A dad who delegates everything to the women in his life must accept that it will be the women making all the decisions.

Yes, that. We used to do 50/50, but the GF was the main care giver there. She was getting frustrated and understandably so. Now we do: every 3rd week at his, and every Thursday sleepover. And 50/50 for all the holidays.

I'd be furious. 9 is far too young. It's ridiculous to take someone else's child and do this. Total breach of trust. I wouldn't let her see DD again. When she's with her dad, it's Dad only.

I would have thought this would be classed as assault?

I would also be annoyed. You’re doing the right thing being positive in front of your daughter because clearly she likes them. However, a parent or guardian needs to give consent for a child to be pierced and the gf is neither of those and she told neither parent either before or after which is very wrong. I would contact the shop it was done at to just make them aware that while in This instance you won’t be taking it further they should be aware that they pierced your child without parental consent and should be a bit more careful in future. I’m glad your daughters ears look fine. I had my daughters ears pierced young (7) but she had been asking for over a year and in the end I caved and she has been fine with them for the past couple of years but both her father and I were involved in the discussion and decision. I think that whilst you don’t want to cause massive drama for everyone least of all your daughter you are well within your rights to make it clear that big decision like that absolutely shouldn’t happen without you or at least her father being involved. I think that’s the bit that I find most worrying, not only did the gf not check first or mention it afterwards to you but not even your ex. And possibly even encouraged your daughter to keep a bit quiet about it as their secret.

Oh OP how awful, I would be SO annoyed by this! I, too, would worry about the relationship your ex's GF is trying to have with your DD, she seems to be colluding and conspiring against you both to appear fun and cool, forcing herself into your daughter's affections. Is GF immature?
I feel ear piercing is a lifelong childhood memory, I was younger when I had mine done but remember it, it was a milestone.
You have done the right thing by not letting your daughter feel responsible or upset by this but I would definitely be cautious of her in future.

Just seen your update, so ignore previous post.
You sound lovely and your daughter is very lucky to have such an understanding Mama💐

Claires accessories pierce children's ears. My daughter had hers done at 6. It was with a gun and one didnt heal right so they came out, despite a meticulous hygiene routine. The gun pushes the tissue to one side rather than removing the tissue altogether. DD wants them doing again in the future but at a proper piercing place with a needle. It is the parents to discuss between them. You shouldn't make a big decision without the ex and vice versa. No one else should come near.

@Kiduknot

That’s actual physical assault.

It absolutely is! Honestly OP I would report her to the cops for doing that. It’s shocking.

This gf was out of order. I’d be bloody furious! Apart from the obvious permissions mentioned above, piercings have to be done properly and not with costume jewellery - this is just asking for trouble (infection and pain). I’m fuming on your behalf!

You could power a city for a month with the hyperbole on this thread.

It's good that she apologised but her saying that she didn't realise it would be a problem because it is ok in her family, is not really good enough, because her family's customs are not relevant to what YOUR daughter does. She does not have the right to override YOUR family's customs with those of her own family. If it did not occur to her that your family customs might be different than her own family's, and that yours should clearly not be overridden in favor of her own, then maybe she is not mature enough to supervise your child.

Notice that she got her way, by making a decision for your daughter that is essentially irreversible.

As you say, at this point there is probably no point making a huge issue out of it. But I would not trust this woman again.

I would be absolutely livid with the girlfriend. I would go over and have it out with her. How dare she do that. She had no right for a start! You need to make her understand the seriousness of this; else who knows what else she might think is fair game. You should also discuss this with your daughter and make it clear she should have checked with you.

Got to agree with @Chikapu though. I'm only saying with experience of a gun but the OP is happy for GF to take care of her daughter. Maybe she confided in her wish for pierced ears. Embrace someone who cares to be a part of daughters life who knows the dynamics

I would have been livid too, but very well done @thecatmother you handled that brilliantly 🤩

I would take them out and let the holes close up and explain to DD that ear piercing is for when she’s a couple of years older

You are right to be angry. I'd of torn the gf's ears off. So I applaud you for remaining calm 🙏