Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

[thecatmother]

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

YANBU
I would have gone mental!

Ok just rtft I’d have been bloody raging tbh, but the dd was willing and the gf has apologised. So those are the main things.
If for example the dd was 3, that would have been on a whole other scale.
At 9, not quite so bad.

I’d still want words with the ex though about why he didn’t just fess up. Was he hoping you wouldn’t notice before he’s had time to scarper off? That’s bad! But I suppose that’s part of the reason he’s an ex. Good that he knows he’s upset you.

@Lulu49
What would that achieve apart from really upsetting her DD and creating a nasty rift between GF and DM.
Would it really be worth it!!?

They don't insist on photo ID & birth certificates for proof of parentage. They simply require an adult is present.

DD was 11 nearly 12 when I took her to get her ears pierced. We discussed it with DH first and went to a reputable piercing studio who don’t use “guns”, I had to take DDs birth certificate, passport and my passport to show that I was her mother. Their policy was no under 11s because most of the primary schools (and a lot of the secondaries) around here don’t allow earrings to be worn at school.

@Waxonwaxoff0

This thread is nuts.

I'd be annoyed but police? Supervised contact only? It's earrings, they didn't inject heroin into her.

🤣 it really has gone a bit crazy hasn't it! People up and down the country have all gone furious and 'nuclear' spontaneously combusting from red mist fury. The army will be called in to control the angry frothing at the mouth mob on the hunt to hang the ex's girlfriend by her earlobes and she will subjected to the throwing of cheap ear rings until she repents her dastardly deed.

Meanwhile, before everyone goes ballistic OP has to consider how to move forward in a sensible and firm manner. The deed has been done, and yes inconsiderate and thoughtless, but there is life after 'earringate'

Op I think you handled it a lot better than some on this thread would have done (or how they claimed they would have handled it).

Omg ! I’d be furious! That’s shocking.

I'd be furious op.

Everything is saying that parents need to be give permission. But it would have been so easy for your ex's woman to go into a shop with her and they would assume she's the mum and get them done. Dd aged 6 got hers done recently. I had to sign a consent form but my daughter has a different surname to me and no one questioned. I guess they assume that a child would be with their parent. Didn't need any id. Didn't think much of it until this post.

I would be furious but not sure there's much you can do now. Keep them clean and wait to heal and you can decide whether to wear them or not then. How old is she?

It was a shitty thing to do op. But I don't know what else to suggest!

I don't understand why people are persisting in claiming this is assault?! How, by any definition, is this assault?! And calling the police of for when a crime has taken place. What is the crime? it's so funny.

OP thankfully is way too sensible to have been blindsided by any of it.

@katemuff

I think that is illegal! I'd go to the shop and find out what happened. It's a serious abuse of trust.

This

Glad the ex is apologetic - sounds like the GF cannot have your child unsupervised.

@thecatmother I personally think you're being far, far too lenient with the GF and are not seeing her motive behind this (common in her family to do it as a present my actual ARSE!🙄) but that's just my lowly opinion.

Well done though for getting it sorted without sirens and court filings

I wouldn't be able to forgive this.

Beautifully handled, OP. And kudos to the GF who took it on the chin, apologised and remains in a positive relationship with you.

I’ve read all your posts and think your attitude is so positive, so thoughtful, and you really think of how your daughter will experience all of your decisions. I love that you spoke with the GF and that you reached an understanding. Admirable parenting.

[quote Boredmotherofone]@thecatmother I personally think you're being far, far too lenient with the GF and are not seeing her motive behind this (common in her family to do it as a present my actual ARSE!🙄) but that's just my lowly opinion.

Well done though for getting it sorted without sirens and court filings [/quote]
I have almost 3 years of divorce/family court behind me. My biggest lesson learnt: is to always try and find a compromise, putting the DD and family peace in the centre of it. Believe me, I am human and I would have gladly shouted at the GF , as it was my first gut reaction. But, with the experience that I went through, I know how potentially bad and poisonous it can get, and I don't want to go there. Not anymore. I just want my DDs (I do have 2 , the eldest is almost 20) to have a decent family and a quality of life with us all.

Since she legally has no parental responsibility she could in fact face criminal charges here and you also have a case against whom ever performed this procedure on your child. It is a safeguarding matter too if you want to go down any of these routes.
I would not be permitting that individual further contact with my child.

For starters I would remove and have the holes heal up seeing as the plan was they weren't to be done until she started high school

I'd also be having a serious talk with dd about NEVER keeping secrets from parents. She is far too young to be not telling her parents anything as important as this.

The gf - I hardly know where to Fucking start!

Firstly I'd be putting her on notice that she is NEVER to do anything that constitutes a parental decision without at the very least discussing with dds dad in the first instance.

I'd then be asking her f2f WHY she never told ex OR you given that such a decision required follow up care for the child's MEDICAL safety. An allergic reaction or infection for example wouldn't necessarily have been centred on the ears, it's entirely possible dd could have developed an all body rash, anaphylaxis or very high fever or worse WITHOUT you having an inkling of why which could have affected medical treatment to dds detriment- I would absolutely HAMMER this home. Ask her "how would you have felt if dd had become SERIOUSLY ill as a result of this and we the parents didn't know to alert medics to the possibility it was down to a piercing?! Do you even know dds full medical history so if any reaction had been instant and occurred in the shop you'd have been able to inform medics of this including all meds she is on and past allergies?"

I would (given this isn't the first time she's pulled shit like this!) follow up with solicitors letters to both the girlfriend AND the ex being very clear that major parental decisions are NOT to be made without consulting you first.

I'd also include in that letter that encouraging a NINE year old to keep important secrets from parents is a safeguarding issue and potentially very dangerous and is to stop immediately - no ifs buts or maybes

She has MASSIVELY overstepped, potentially dangerously so in a number of ways. I would be absolutely livid!

I think this is one occasion you absolutely can (in a controlled but firm way) go "mama bear" on the girlfriend.

She has behaved irresponsibly and arrogantly.

I agree too that there is potential - if not nipped in the bud - that the girlfriend is potentially the type as your dd gets older for even more inappropriate behaviour like supplying alcohol/drugs, encouraging under age sex etc as dd gets older so it needs to be firmly made clear to the girlfriend that these are NOT her decisions to make.

I am very fortunate in that my dds step mum was a former friend and babysitter who knew dds medical history. This came to be very useful on at least one occasion when my ex (who is a useless fucking nightmare!) failed to mention dds asthma when she took very unwell with a flu while under their care.

I think you need a chat with your dd tbh.

I think your dd knew very well your answer was NO for ear pierced.
That’s why she was hiding her ears when she came back.

She needs to learn that she can’t ‘use’ (for a better word) her step mother of father to get what she wants when she knows the answer would be NO otherwise.
It stands out to me that she didn’t tell her dad either!!

So if there was anything I would keep an eye on, it’s that tbh.

She way overstepped but people claiming assault, solicitors letters. Do not listen to them. It sounds like your daughter has a good bond with this woman. She needs telling she was out of order but if you make out she assaulted your daughter you will damage that relationship.
My now ex did this with my little girl at age 3 without telling me. I was fuming to be fair but really they are just ears, she loved them then and she still loves them now. I dont get why people get so crazy about it

Omg I'd be sooooo angry

Wait until she’s 16 and the gf takes her for tattooes and other piercings !

@LindaEllen

It could be classed as assault. Any child under the age of 16 is considered not old enough to make correct options. Hence why you need an adult. So seeing as the adult she was with doesn’t have parental responsibility. It’s classed as assault.

It is outrageous that this woman just presented you with a fait accompli. How dare she do this without discussing it with you first! I would be very upset and angry. You have handled it very well.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

When people use the word 'assault' they mean that a child can't really give meaningful consent by themselves. It needs backing up. Which is what the concept of 'Parental Responsibility' is for. Parents are considered to know what their children really want, since they know them best and parents are the ones who are legally deemed able to decide for children. So it's assault in the sense that what gf did doesn't meat those conditions, not that it's the same as hitting someone.

This is what I meant. Though you said it much more eloquently than me