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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

271 replies

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:53

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

OP posts:
Kite22 · 17/08/2021 00:13

@ChavDiningHalls

this coming and going has to stop

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop has hit the nail on the head here. I was wavering, thinking that blended families have to make allowances, etc, etc - but, no, they all need routine. The blended families I know which have been very, very successful have all had a very firm routine (which doesn't mean it is set in stone and has no flexibility). Children of 8 and 10 need it. As the OP has a baby, that's another child who needs a routine.

As the DSC become older, they may be able to come and go much more as they choose, as they won't need "looking after" in the same hands-on way that primary aged children do. But they're too young for this at the moment, and I think they're having too much say. Yes, divorce is pretty shit for children (speaking from experience) - but it still isn't good for them to be able to rule the roost. And their father shouldn't be enabling it. It's his job to keep sensible boundaries.

This.

8 and 10 yr olds don't generally get to dictate what happens in families.
If my dc had said, when they were 8 or 10 "I'm going to sleep at Nanny's tonight" they would have had it explained to them that they couldn't just decide, on a whim and that it needs to suit everyone and plans have to be put in place. The same applies to all 8 and 10 yr olds, including those whose parents live apart.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 17/08/2021 00:16

What time does he go to work? Can you get up and leave before him? So he's sat about sorting out childcare for them.

Or just tell him you're going out the next day so he needs to drop them off somewhere when he goes to work. Whether you are or not, so you're not leaving it until the next day. Just when the kids turn up "I'm going out in the morning so you'll have to sort something out and I won't have time to drive them around so you'll have to drop them off yourself"

Just do it every single time so he gets into the habit of sorting out childcare when he agrees to have them.

timeisnotaline · 17/08/2021 00:34

@loulous1985

So does he even warn you about them coming for tea? In terms of you cooking enough for them?

Interesting that it's assumed OP would be the one cooking tea for them. My partner cooks all the meals when his kids are over.

Does he sound like a guy who cooks all the meals? That’s what you live wiht a woman for- childcare cooking and cleaning.
SuddenlySusan · 17/08/2021 00:41

@PorkAndPickleJellyTot he is incredibly selfish. These are your last days on maternity leave and he needs to be sensitive of this.

Something needs to be sorted before you go back to work, he is taking the piss.

MzHz · 17/08/2021 08:18

8 and 10 yr olds don't generally get to dictate what happens in families

They do if you’re their step mum apparently

But in the real world, no they absolutely shouldn’t call the shots at all. They need their needs and wishes taken into account but all those involved need to work it out properly.

Coffeepot72 · 17/08/2021 08:42

8 and 10 yr olds don't generally get to dictate what happens in families

Totally agree, But in step families, common sense tends to go out the window …

geddyw · 17/08/2021 08:49

There is no win in being a step mum sadly.

It's a case of you either get totally taken advantage of or you're the wicked step mother that doesn't care for her step kids.

I care for my step kids a great deal just to add

Muchmorethan · 17/08/2021 09:00

OP - @PorkAndPickleJellyTot ...so what are you going to do??

TeeBee · 17/08/2021 09:20

I'd tell him every time that I have plans for the next day so he has to sort childcare. Every single time until he gets it into his thick head that you are not his lackey. Just point blank refuse to get drawn in. Be prepared to tell him you're leaving the house at a certain time and that someone needs to be there to mind them. Then go out. This is not your problem to sort.

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 09:30

@timeisnotaline

My point being that the OP mentions nothing about cooking their meals. Yet a pp commented : "So does he even warn you about them coming for tea? In terms of you cooking enough for them?"

It's a complete assumption that the cooking is her role too.

Instead of - "so does he even cook meals for them or do you have to do bloody everything OP?!"

it was "does he warn you so you can cook enough".

I found the subtle difference in the wording interesting, is all...

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 09:30

Either way we can all agree he's a feckless loser and needs to parent his own kids.

loulous1985 · 17/08/2021 09:32

@geddyw

There is no win in being a step mum sadly.

It's a case of you either get totally taken advantage of or you're the wicked step mother that doesn't care for her step kids.

I care for my step kids a great deal just to add

Nope. There's a middle ground believe it or not. Being with a man who understands that parenting his kids his is own responsibility and you can either be a part of the fun family stuff if you like, or you can bow out and let him enjoy quality time with his kids that day. Win win. No disciplining, no picking up after them or cooking meals... just the fun parts (if you want to join in with them). Works for us.

Youseethethingis · 17/08/2021 09:46

@loulous1985
I think you'll find that actually your step children are deeply damaged by your approach, and not very happy at all. You probably don't even love your husband. You sound cold and resentful. It doesn't matter that you know your family better than a random on MN. You are wrong.*

*Not according to me, according to a band of the usual suspects who stalk this board with nothing to say except that a SM is always wrong, which is what PP was alluding to.

aSofaNearYou · 17/08/2021 09:47

@TeeBee

I'd tell him every time that I have plans for the next day so he has to sort childcare. Every single time until he gets it into his thick head that you are not his lackey. Just point blank refuse to get drawn in. Be prepared to tell him you're leaving the house at a certain time and that someone needs to be there to mind them. Then go out. This is not your problem to sort.
I'm not picking on your comment specifically because absolutely loads of people have said something like this and I know it is well intentioned... but I absolutely hate the suggestion that OP must have other plans in order to not be seen as available for childcare. Even he said to her he would organise something else IF she was out of the house. I wouldn't be making other plans just to get out of it, I would just be telling him to stop assuming I will do it because I don't want to and it's his responsibility.
Hemingwaycat · 17/08/2021 09:48

It’s fine to have them any night they wish but he has to arrange childcare, he can’t expect you to look after them on a whim because you have your own life.

Coffeepot72 · 17/08/2021 09:50

I still don’t see why it’s ok to have them overnight anytime they feel like it? Would this be acceptable if it was the OP’s mother who overnighted any time she fancied a change of scene?

Howshouldibehave · 17/08/2021 09:53

Were you the other poster with the DH arranging a sleepover when he wasn’t actually going to be there, @PorkAndPickleJellyTot or was that someone else? I know it was a different name but there were lots of similarities. If so, you’ve had some really good advice and need to start being crystal clear with your husband about what will be happening going forward or you will be lumbered forever and will start to resent all of them. Don’t let your own child see you cast in this role of zero-hour contract step-mum who has been set up to fail-that’s a terrible role model.

If it wasn’t you, it’s worth reading that thread as there is some good advice there.

I understand why your DH wants his kids to be able to come and go whenever but that isn’t always practical and it needs to be make clear to them/the mum. Had he not remarried, they couldn’t just say they want to come to his tonight and stay for the next day as he’d be at work! They can ‘want’, but things aren’t always possible (Verucca Salt and the golden hens!?) He wants to be wonderful and never say no to them and be this amazing Disney dad, but isn’t even asking if you (the childcare) will do it. This has to stop before he starts with the, ‘well you’ve never complained about it before’ type speeches.

shouldistop · 17/08/2021 09:54

As a op said, next time he brings them home from work go out early the next morning. Do this quite a few times and he'll soon realise.

aSofaNearYou · 17/08/2021 09:56

8 and 10 yr olds don't generally get to dictate what happens in families.
If my dc had said, when they were 8 or 10 "I'm going to sleep at Nanny's tonight" they would have had it explained to them that they couldn't just decide, on a whim and that it needs to suit everyone and plans have to be put in place. The same applies to all 8 and 10 yr olds, including those whose parents live apart.

I strongly agree with this. I genuinely think people have it really warped when it comes to the subject of SC being able to come and go when they please. Of course they shouldn't feel that they are unwelcome on any personal level, but where they are isn't really personal. In a together family, things have to be organised so that young children are being watched by one parent whenever the other is unavailable. It's not generally viewed as an emotive decision which way around it is, and the children don't usually get to request "can parent A stay behind instead of going to their hobby and parent B go out because that's the way around I want it tonight". The parents also wouldn't both make plans on the same day without organising childcare.

It's the same in a step family, except the two parents are split across two locations. The parents still make the plans, and it isn't an emotive, personal thing if the child needs to be with one parent on a certain night because of those plans.

Coffeepot72 · 17/08/2021 09:59

Excellent post @aSofaNearYou - in a together family the children don’t get to call the shots. It’s not healthy

Kiduknot · 17/08/2021 10:01

I think you need to make up some baby meet up with friends, even if you aren’t. So that frequently he can’t just leave them with you. After he has to sort them out several times, then he might realise that you need notice.

Clymene · 17/08/2021 10:08

Yes totally agree with @aSofaNearYou. They aren't your children and you're basically being used as an unpaid holiday club by their parents. It's not okay.

LindaEllen · 17/08/2021 10:18

@Maves

You shouldn't have hit with someone with kids they will always come first faff?
There's a slight difference between the kids coming first (of course they do) and her partner saying they can stay but not actually being there, thus assuming OP will look after them. Don't you understand that that's the point here?

OP have a serious conversation with your DP and say that the kids are always welcome in the evenings and overnight, but that he then has to plan childcare the following day - whether that's taking them back to their mum's, taking a day's holiday or asking his parents to look after them. He should never assume that you'll stay home with them.

Sleepyquest · 17/08/2021 10:24

He's taking the piss!!!
I'd arrange a holiday to a friends or your parents if possible at very short notice so he has to drop everything. But I'm quite petty Smile

iheartredsquirrels · 17/08/2021 10:27

Yet another 'father' who doesn't really parent his own dc. Sigh.