To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

[PorkAndPickleJellyTot]

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

Whatever he would do for childcare if he was a single dad, that's what he needs to do.

@Howshouldibehave

Same thoughts cross posted!

@loulous1985

Whatever he would do for childcare if he was a single dad, that's what he needs to do.

There's a reason these men make sure they're not single dads

Thanks for the link!

It's possible the school summer holidays come to an end very soon where the OP is so that would be a really good time to re-set the expectations as I'm sure they will all be back in a more predictable routine and OP will at least get the last couple of months of mat leave as she should.
Get plans for school weeks sorted now, and October half term carved up fairly too.

I would take the positive amongst this though as well that the children are happy to spend time being cared for by stepmum even if dad isn't around as the same time, that's not always the case is it?

[quote Howshouldibehave]www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4319506-To-think-this-is-really-unfair-and-hes-put-me-in-an-awkward-position?msgid=109863974#109863974[/quote]
So that thread ended up all resolved?

Does he ever look after the (his) baby?

He doesn't get to leave for work without childcare for them. You aren't their nanny.

Drop them off at his work.

Exactly the same as the post you made the other day with pretty much the same complaint- your husband is taking the piss.

You can either address it with him or continue posting the same thing over and over here. Only one of those things has any chance of changing your situation.

You need to flip the expectations around. He should assume he is the default childcare whenever he agrees to his DC coming over, not you, unless you have let him know you are available to look after them. The way you have currently structured it puts you in the awkward position of always having to justify why you can't have his DC for the day. You might just want to lie in bed with your baby for the morning on the odd occasion, and he'll probably say that's not a good enough reason. Over the long term, it'll breed resentment.

If you never let him know that you are available to look after his DC for the day he'll either make alternative arrangements, or he'll stop being so passive when asked as it will now affect him (and it isn't currently).

Aw on the other hand it's lovely that the children feel they can stay whenever even when it's just you there and not their dad.

Despite how this post is coming across I think you sound lovely ☺️

Also, OP, please please do not jeopardise your own job by allowing him to use you as a babysitter for his kids while you are wfh. I'm sorry to say he seems to have little respect for you and with a man like this, it's very important to maintain your ability to earn your own living.

@BobMortimersPetOwl

Exactly the same as the post you made the other day with pretty much the same complaint- your husband is taking the piss.

You can either address it with him or continue posting the same thing over and over here. Only one of those things has any chance of changing your situation.

He's nothing if not consistent 🙄.

Could he possibly have less respect for the OP.

Another man who married for your house skivvy/aupair services.

What a life.
Poor OP.🤷‍♀️

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?. YANBU

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want? YABU

Sorry but your title and OP have two different AIBU questions...

I agree with him that they can stay any night. However, he needs to arrange care every single time. He needs to assume you are busy and plan accordingly.

The problem is half the time I don't even know they are coming. He just gets them after work because they've asked and brings them home with him. Then they stay and he leaves for work in the morning leaving them with me the next day. I obviously can't say they have to go home once they are already here.

So does he even warn you about them coming for tea? In terms of you cooking enough for them?

I’d be inclined to tell him that he’s welcome to bring them to stay overnight, he needs to drop them back on his way to work because they aren’t coming to spend the day with you, they’re here to see him and he needs to be the one covering this entirely

When he arrives with them after work you smile and say hi nice to see you kids!

Then when they’re out of ear shot you turn to DH, tilt your head, smile and say -
“Nice to see the kids - just an FYI I’m out tomorrow first thing so best sort some childcare as I’m not available”
Then walk away

And you get up first fucking thing and get out of that house.

If there any questions from him you rinse and repeat “I’m busy, best sort childcare Hun”

You have a choice here - either stick up for yourself and stop being used or keep accepting this ridiculous situation. The choice is yours.

Oh yes even better than dropping them off, leave first.

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want? YABU

But children have to understand that they can’t just call the shots sometimes and certainly her h can’t just assume she’s picking up the heavy lifting of his child care

Hos kids should always be welcome but when he is at home. So if he picks them up after he finishes work he either drops them home in the evening or in the morning before work. You shouldn't have to take care of them on your own. Why should you be the defects childcare when presumably they have both a father and a mother?

You need to address this now or it will happen everytime there is holidays. Don't feel guilty, they have two parents who should have arranged summer camps or taken time off between them to mange the school holidays. Now you can get out and about with your own child, you should. For example if you ate taking tours out to meet a friend in the park, you just go. It is up to your dh to make other arrangements or better yet nor dump his kids on you.

*defacto not defects

You’ve married a dud OP :(

They should be able to come whenever they want and it’s great they want to spend more time with their dad.

But he needs to be the one looking after them, not dumping them on you, for your sake and theirs. Whether that means he works from home (if his job allows it) or gets proper childcare or takes time off is his problem, not yours.

This really isn't ok. You need to explain that you cannot be his childcare for him. They are his and his ex's responsibility. I say this as a mother and stepmother. That shouldn't be a single person that disagrees with this.

he needs to drop them somewhere else on his way to work if thy stay over. So many men are like this.