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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say my husband's children can't stay any night they want?

271 replies

PorkAndPickleJellyTot · 16/08/2021 17:53

Recently my DSC have started asking to be a lot more flexible with the contact between our houses. Before we had 60:40 (40 with us) but it's now more like 50:50 but on random days where they will just text or ring and ask to stay that night/day.

My husband always says yes to this however he knows that he is going out to work 5 days a week leaving me at home with DSC with next to no notice. I feel completely unable to plan my week or time as they are not ages that can be left alone in the house either (8 & 10).

He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something but I just feel it's unsustainable to keep doing that, I feel like I'm hanging around if I ever want to go anywhere waiting for things to be arranged.

I've told him this but he says his children should be able to stay any night they want and he's not going to tell them they can't stay in their own home.

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

OP posts:
Pissinthepottyplease · 16/08/2021 21:15

@SunbathingDragon

AIBU to say that's fine, but if he wants them to be able to come whenever they want then he should be the one available to care for them!?

Unless I’m misreading, that is the arrangement in place - He does always say if I want to go and do something which I can't take them to, to ring him and he'll arrange something.

Just ring him every single time you want to do something.

Every day!
Rainbowqueeen · 16/08/2021 21:23

@SpellItOutForMe has it. He needs to make arrangements for his kids care for every minute they are in your house. No going off to work in the morning and leaving them with you.

Darbs76 · 16/08/2021 21:26

You posted before didn’t you about a sleepover he planned without asking you. He definitely needs to consider that you’re the one looking after them not him. He needs to ensure he’s around or you’re happy with it. You’re not his childcare

loulous1985 · 16/08/2021 21:39

So does he even warn you about them coming for tea? In terms of you cooking enough for them?

Interesting that it's assumed OP would be the one cooking tea for them. My partner cooks all the meals when his kids are over.

geddyw · 16/08/2021 21:41

For once it's not me writing a post like this!

Yanbu at all.

In my case it's the the mother of my step child expecting me to do the child care.

The only thing I've found that helps is forward planning.
I've already told Dh my plans this week and that I won't be able to have dss if asked.

I love my dss very much but I'm forever doing childcare care on his mother's time and not dh's time.

May sound like a wicked step mother but ive had enough for the rest of the school holidays. It also makes things harder for my own dc.

Summer holidays are always the same. Dss comes for 2 seperate weeks plus every other weekend. It always ends up him staying about 4 weeks here and numpty here doing all the child care.

I don't think you can ever do right in being a step mum.

geddyw · 16/08/2021 21:47

Just to add - I'm not ashamed to say I've booked a day out on Friday for me and my ds purposely because I know for an absolute fact I will be expected to go and collect dss (his mother refuses to do any collections or dropping off) on Friday morning because apparently it's always 'easier' for him to come then or even Thursday night rather than Friday when Dh finishes work.

Easier for Dh and his ex so she gets a day to herself bur not easier for me.

Sorry to jump on your post - sore subject for me lol

Acqua32 · 16/08/2021 22:10

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Absolutely they can come any time they want. But HE has to assume that HE has to be there every time as you are to be considered unavailable unless previously discussed. YANBU.
This
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 16/08/2021 22:14

Slight derail but I wonder how many men stay as a single df as opposed to how many single dm's....
Seems always on here a short time between relationships...

Itsbeen84yearss · 16/08/2021 22:18

I’ve had this before with the skids. It’s highly annoying. It needs to be that the house is considered closed unless he is in otherwise you’re childcare. Now if you’re arrangement is that you’re a sahm and he works to finance you being a sahm that’s slightly different -otherwise he’s taking the piss.

notanothertakeaway · 16/08/2021 22:29

@StarDrawers

Or invoice him for the babysitting
Please don't do that......
MzHz · 16/08/2021 22:46

@loulous1985

So does he even warn you about them coming for tea? In terms of you cooking enough for them?

Interesting that it's assumed OP would be the one cooking tea for them. My partner cooks all the meals when his kids are over.

Bet he looks after his kids too…

I’m making assumptions based on the evidence presented…

It ain’t pretty tbh

MzHz · 16/08/2021 22:47

@Itsbeen84yearss

I’ve had this before with the skids. It’s highly annoying. It needs to be that the house is considered closed unless he is in otherwise you’re childcare. Now if you’re arrangement is that you’re a sahm and he works to finance you being a sahm that’s slightly different -otherwise he’s taking the piss.
No, we still need to respect our partner’s time and communicate with them before making plans FOR them to provide childcare for kids that aren’t theirs.
Hankunamatata · 16/08/2021 22:57

It's not long until November. I would talk to dh now that work days IF the kids stay night before then childcare has to be sorted for the next day by dh so ex or grandparents. Get into a bit of a routine

dontyouworrydontyouworrynow · 16/08/2021 22:58

@Itsbeen84yearss

I’ve had this before with the skids. It’s highly annoying. It needs to be that the house is considered closed unless he is in otherwise you’re childcare. Now if you’re arrangement is that you’re a sahm and he works to finance you being a sahm that’s slightly different -otherwise he’s taking the piss.
No, it's not bloody different. Even if she is a sahm, she's not his employee! Her contribution is the career break staying at home raising their baby - saving thousands in childcare fees and likely taking a hit on her own career and earning prospects. Jesus.

OP isn't a sahm anyway, she's on maternity leave.

ZenNudist · 16/08/2021 23:00

This is utterly shit. Don't let him keep this up. Put your foot down now. I think the suggestion to not be there in the morning is sensible. Can you go to your mums?

My dc aren't in a blended family but we have a strict routine and a plan as to what childcare arrangements are around work and who is doing it, either dh or I. I wouldn't even volunteer one day in your shoes. It's going to be taken advantage of. Let him and ex sort out which one of them is looking after dc and you deal with your baby and plan with him shdn he is dealing with baby so you get a break. He sounds like a dick!

GreenClock · 16/08/2021 23:06

When I read the title I thought they were going to be 16+.

I think they’re a bit too young to have this level of flexibility and spontaneity. They need routine and proper oversight.

Thisnamewasnttaken123 · 16/08/2021 23:07

YANBU he's taking the piss.

timeisnotaline · 16/08/2021 23:14

Give him a set day they can come, other days he has to stay as you are fed up waiting around while he scrambleds. How far is his work? Can you drop them off there? If not and it’s too hard to get baby up and out of the house before he leaves id go stay the night before with a friend or relative. ‘I disagree it’s fine, it’s hassle and I feel completely disregarded. You’re not listening to me. This won’t even an option when I’m back at work either but the way you’re being I’m worried your disregard of me extends to thinking my work doesn’t matter and I can just parent your dc instead. In the future if you come home with them without discussing it with me I’m going away for the night and you can work out your own plans for the next day instead of making me work around yours.

RandomMess · 16/08/2021 23:28

Tell him they can't stay the next day and he needs to sort out dropping them elsewhere on his way to work.

alohahae · 16/08/2021 23:32

They should be able to stay whenever they like.

He should take full responsibility for that.

ShitShop · 16/08/2021 23:39

I’ll be honest, this was one of the reasons DP and I didn’t move in together. We were planning it and had been looking at houses etc. I said that it would be nice if his DC felt like they wanted to come over sometimes when he wasn’t there (he was away on business a LOT - maybe 2-3 weeks at a time every couple of months) and he replied “of course they can, it’s their home, they can come over as often as they like whenever they like”. Totally not grasping that with 5 DC between us who were at that point at 4 different schools, it just wouldn’t be ok for them to be there whenever they chose to.

It made me realise he’d never once put himself in my shoes and imagined how life would look for me in that scenario. So 10 years on, we still don’t live together and I never look after his DC. I see them a few times a year and we get on fine, but I’m not a parent figure at all. Which suits us all I think!

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 16/08/2021 23:50

.

timeisnotaline · 17/08/2021 00:01

@shitshop and does he just let them get dropped off anytime whether he’s there or not? Did he not realise his plan explicitly involved you being there doing him a favour? Surprised you didn’t see him quite differently!

aSofaNearYou · 17/08/2021 00:01

@alohahae

They should be able to stay whenever they like.

He should take full responsibility for that.

Hmmm I'm not sure even that's 100% the case tbh. At 8 and 10, they are still subject to the logistical plans of their parents. So if they are meant to be at mum's because that is what has been arranged around both parents work, then that is what needs to happen a lot of the time.
namechange30455 · 17/08/2021 00:13

The problem isn't them staying over - it's that he needs to arrange what happens to them in the morning. Even if they lived with you 100 percent of the time they wouldn't be able to "be there whenever they wanted" if there isn't an adult available to look after them.

If their mum is at home, great, he can drop them off there. If not then he does what every other working parents does and takes time off or organises childcare.

He is assuming you're the default childcare and that needs to stop. Just tell him you have plans even if you don't. Every time they turn up. "Oh that's nice, lovely to have them here tonight. Will you be taking tomorrow off work then, or are they going back to DM's before you go to work? Me? No, I've got plans this morning."

Even if you actually don't mind looking after them sometimes, you need to break the habit before you go back to work. You can't have them there while you're wfh.