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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my ex husband homeless?

178 replies

BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 07:55

Long story short, we've been together 25 years, now divorced. 3 children but only youngest aged 12 at home. We live in a council property but it's a sole tenancy in my name only. I gave him notice to leave by the end of the month. He has a full time job but no car, friends or family.

I Just can't bear being under the same roof as him but I'm feeling under pressure from my adult children to let him stay until he finds somewhere to live. This could take forever as he's relying on being rehoused by the council and refuses to pay private landlord rent. He's very comfortable at home. He's hoping I'm going to change my mind(he has told adult DC this) as I have done before, but it's taken me an awful lot of strength and courage to get to this point and I certainly won't be changing my mind!

Adult DC are saying I'm being unfair on him despite them knowing what I've had to put up with over the years. I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to. If I could leave and rent I would but that's not an option unfortunately. I know he will really struggle to find somewhere (in London) as he has a poor credit history but does take home approximately 2K monthly so surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect a 56 year old grown man with a full time job to fend for himself?

The thought of him staying longer than I've given him depresses me so much, my youngest son and I are already staying away with friends and family as much as possible while he sits around feeling sorry for himself and playing the victim. But what my adult children said to me last night has really upset me and I'm doubting my decision, not because I feel sorry for him but just the fact they think I'm being unreasonable. I need to move on with my life and living how we are currently isn't helping anyone at all. I hate being there with him and I'm dreading going home after a lovely weekend away at my friend's house. AIBU?

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 16/08/2021 08:00

No YANBU. Tell your adult kids that they are welcome to help him pay rent/ hotel bills/ move out and give him their sofa. You should not have to have him in your own home and he is a fully grown adult with a job.

jellylegsbegone · 16/08/2021 08:03

He will literally NEVER be rehomed by the council!

Quartz2208 · 16/08/2021 08:03

You are divorced he is not your responsibility and you need to tell your children that

Warmduscher · 16/08/2021 08:04

Unless they are prepared to help him find somewhere else, or offer to put him up until he does, they have no business telling you to remain living with someone you are divorced from. They’re the ones being unreasonable.

SmokeyDevil · 16/08/2021 08:04

He is an adult. If your kids feel that sorry for him, they can take him. They don't though, they just don't want the hassle and would prefer you deal with it.

Didicat · 16/08/2021 08:04

YANBU as @Heronwatcher said if his kids are so bothered about his uselessness to provide a roof for himself they can step in and help him.

saraclara · 16/08/2021 08:04

What's the point in a divorce that ends with the parties still living in the same house?

Your adult children are being ridiculous. And yes, I suspect they think they'll be obliged to take him in.

As a single male he stands no chance of a council property, so needs to get on and find a private rental or he'll be with you for the rest of his life.

Thehop · 16/08/2021 08:05

He will never be revoked by the council.

Ask your older children if they’d love with their ex?

Kick him out pronto. He can rent a room in a house share. If you tell us whereabouts you are ish well look for you.

GemmaRuby · 16/08/2021 08:09

YANBU. It’s not fair that you’ve been spending time away from your own home because he refuses to move out.
There really aren’t any other options except renting privately so he’s going to have to do that. And in any case it’s not your problem any more what he does.
Your adult DC will come round. If he does end up moving in with one of them then they might come to understand your frustrations!

Vimtogenie · 16/08/2021 08:09

YANBU

BritishSummertime · 16/08/2021 08:10

I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to.

But they think you should?! Fuck that! I wouldn't even enter a discussion with them because it is none of their business.

I don't know how you can actually make him leave so hopefully others with have advice but well done for being proactive & looking out for yourself

Fluffymule · 16/08/2021 08:10

YANBU. Stay strong and stick to your guns.

Your happiness and mental health are not secondary to your ex-husbands easy life and comfort, or your adult children's convenience and guilt avoidance.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/08/2021 08:10

You’re not about to make your ex-husband homeless, you just want him to leave and make his own arrangements. That’s perfectly reasonable in the circs.

You are quite right: your adult children are wanting to foist responsibility for him onto you, so they don’t have to.

Repeat that he’s been given notice to leave by the end of the month, and then you plan to change the locks. Buy some black refuse sacks and then get on with changing the locks. It’s not difficult to do, you just change the barrel, not the whole thing. You could do it yourself with just a screwdriver.

All you need now is the courage to follow through, regardless of what your adult children think

EatYourVegetables · 16/08/2021 08:11

£2K a month is significantly more than many get, and I would expect someone on that income to rent privately. As for London or not, well, the market is what it is and if you can’t afford one area you move to another.

YANBU

GemmaRuby · 16/08/2021 08:11

Good idea above about the house share, and there’s loads of Air bnb type things in London which are basically short term rentals. So he could move out immediately while he looks for something more permanent.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 16/08/2021 08:11

YANBU.
You can't keep housing a man you don't want to be with because your adult offspring want you to!

CrazyNeighbour · 16/08/2021 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CupoTeap · 16/08/2021 08:13

If you Chuck him out he can present to the council as homeless- if he stays he will never get a council flat/house he will always be at the bottom of the list.

Why has he not been preparing for this? Why is it your problem?

Seriously Chuck him out, the kids can have him if they are that bothered.

Why is he still your responsibility when you are divorced, he's an adult he has choices but staying at yours is not one of them.

54321nought · 16/08/2021 08:13

I don't see how you can make him move out. Surely thats his home too?

CupoTeap · 16/08/2021 08:14

@54321nought

I don't see how you can make him move out. Surely thats his home too?
It's a sole tenancy
Howshouldibehave · 16/08/2021 08:15

If your adult children are that bothered about their dad, then they can have him. They just want you to so they don’t have to!

Don’t cave.

latesummerdays · 16/08/2021 08:15

Why is the tenancy only in your name?

Obviously YANBU but I would be worried that this could potentially cause a big rift. 2k take home isn’t loads, and will never get anywhere in London. He could look for house shares of course.

KatherineOfGaunt · 16/08/2021 08:16

Stay strong. I know next to nothing about council housing but I've heard it can take months or years even for families to be housed in some areas. You could be waiting a very long time if you let him stay until then, as a single man with a decent job it could surely be ages?

Don't let your adult children guilt you into letting him stay. In the kindest way, it's your relationship, not theirs. They aren't even living with you! You have every right to say what needs to happen in this situation. Stick to giving him his marching orders on whatever day you initially said. Change the locks on that day and then call the police if he still won't leave.

I'm amazed that there are grown up people in the world who act so unable to sort their life out (him, not you).

Palavah · 16/08/2021 08:18

You are not making him homeless. An adult with a full-time job has been given notice and can make the appropriate arrangements to house himself.

billy1966 · 16/08/2021 08:19

YANBU.

Your responsibility is to your 12 year old to have a peaceful home.

Do not be guilted, you are completely right in this.

Flowers