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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my ex husband homeless?

178 replies

BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 07:55

Long story short, we've been together 25 years, now divorced. 3 children but only youngest aged 12 at home. We live in a council property but it's a sole tenancy in my name only. I gave him notice to leave by the end of the month. He has a full time job but no car, friends or family.

I Just can't bear being under the same roof as him but I'm feeling under pressure from my adult children to let him stay until he finds somewhere to live. This could take forever as he's relying on being rehoused by the council and refuses to pay private landlord rent. He's very comfortable at home. He's hoping I'm going to change my mind(he has told adult DC this) as I have done before, but it's taken me an awful lot of strength and courage to get to this point and I certainly won't be changing my mind!

Adult DC are saying I'm being unfair on him despite them knowing what I've had to put up with over the years. I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to. If I could leave and rent I would but that's not an option unfortunately. I know he will really struggle to find somewhere (in London) as he has a poor credit history but does take home approximately 2K monthly so surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect a 56 year old grown man with a full time job to fend for himself?

The thought of him staying longer than I've given him depresses me so much, my youngest son and I are already staying away with friends and family as much as possible while he sits around feeling sorry for himself and playing the victim. But what my adult children said to me last night has really upset me and I'm doubting my decision, not because I feel sorry for him but just the fact they think I'm being unreasonable. I need to move on with my life and living how we are currently isn't helping anyone at all. I hate being there with him and I'm dreading going home after a lovely weekend away at my friend's house. AIBU?

OP posts:
NeverTalkToStrangers · 16/08/2021 08:19

He’s not your husband or partner but he is still their father. They may feel an obligation to him but you needn’t.

LawnFever · 16/08/2021 08:19

@Howshouldibehave

If your adult children are that bothered about their dad, then they can have him. They just want you to so they don’t have to!

Don’t cave.

This, although why they or you should subsidise a grown man who has a decent income is beyond me.

I assume you’re adult children are paying their own accomodation costs, why do they think he shouldn’t?

If they don’t want him why do they think you should? If they bring it up again repeat this!

AttaGirrrrl · 16/08/2021 08:19

I think you need legal advice about this. Obviously he should leave, but how do you get a grown man out? Try shelter, women’s aid or CAB for advice?

Rainallnight · 16/08/2021 08:20

Saying he’s waiting to be rehoused by the council is code for having no plans to move out, ever. Because he must know there’s no way he’d get a council tenancy.

It’s not your children’s call, at all. Their dad won’t be homeless. Of course he can find somewhere to live.

I think you need to go ‘grey rock’ on them. Find a one sentence response - ‘it’s up to your dad to find somewhere to live now that the marriage is over’ - and stick to it.

DancesWithTortoises · 16/08/2021 08:20

Stick to your guns. If the adult children feel sorry for him they can house him.

Eralos · 16/08/2021 08:23

Stick to your guns, your kids and ex are being unreasonable.

RubyGoat · 16/08/2021 08:25

Why do your children say you should be responsible for housing him?
Why is the tenancy in you name only?

Also, the council will never offer him anything while he's still staying with you. I've been homeless, I'm disabled & have a child - we were in a hostel before we got offered anything. You will be doing him a favour in the long term, by helping him to find some other accommodation that is temporary, such as someone's couch or floor. Hopefully he will then get a room in a shelter or B&B, & get into the system.

Doomscrolling · 16/08/2021 08:25

Your adult children are being very unreasonable - the situation is untenable. He has to go.

MattDamon · 16/08/2021 08:26

YANBU. Book a locksmith to change the locks on the day you've asked him to move out by.

21Bee · 16/08/2021 08:27

He’ll be waiting forever to be rehomed by the council.

Eviebeans · 16/08/2021 08:27

Morning, not sure if you mentioned this and I missed it but how long have you been divorced? How long was the lead up to that?

Rubyupbeat · 16/08/2021 08:29

But think how bad this would sound if it were the husband that held the tenancy.
This is his home too, no matter how much you despise him . He will actually be homeless, living on the streets, this is the situation many homeless men have come from.
I really do not know the answer, I do think he should be more pro active though.

Elys3 · 16/08/2021 08:30

Stick to your plan. Good luck!

rainbowstardrops · 16/08/2021 08:31

Your adult children are being absolutely ridiculous and totally unfair!
You are not married to him any more and therefore he is not your responsibility or worry where he lives.
He is still your children's father though, so they can put a roof over his head if they think he's so incapable of sorting his own housing situation out.
Utterly ridiculous. Stick to your guns.

LakieLady · 16/08/2021 08:31

YANBU and the council won't help him unless he's vulnerable in some way.

I suspect he knows the council won't help him, too. He needs to rent a room in a house share.

AnonymousCheerleader · 16/08/2021 08:32

Fuck that shit. He's a grown man. He will have to learn to look after himself. He's not longer your problem!

FreeBritnee · 16/08/2021 08:33

Nope. You are no longer married, he is an independent adult. He needs to leave.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/08/2021 08:33

Stand firm. He’s an adult and can sort himself out Flowers

Original poster
BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 08:34

Thank you all so much for your replies. It really helps as he always makes me feel like I'm evil and destroying his life when it's been the total opposite. So much has happened in those 25 years, but I've just had enough now and if I don't leave him once and for all I'll be stuck with him forever. The reason I have a sole tenancy is due to domestic violence. It was joint but I applied for sole when I had to go to court in the past to gain an occupation order for the house. And yes I'm a complete fool for getting back with him etc etc, I know that, but when you're in a toxic environment you can hardly see the wood for the trees, let alone make sensible choices. But now I'm very certain that this is what I want and need in order to live a peaceful life,not just for me but for my son. I actually hate the house and the fact that I have to stay there, there's too many bad memories and I'd happily up and leave if I could.

OP posts:
CeeJay81 · 16/08/2021 08:34

Id be helping him find alternative accommodation. on his salery surely there'd be something affordable, even if it's just a bedsit or shared accommodation. It's hardly making him homeless if he earns that kind of money.

timeisnotaline · 16/08/2021 08:36

@Rubyupbeat

But think how bad this would sound if it were the husband that held the tenancy. This is his home too, no matter how much you despise him . He will actually be homeless, living on the streets, this is the situation many homeless men have come from. I really do not know the answer, I do think he should be more pro active though.
He has a full time job, it’s not making him homeless as he could find somewhere to live. What else can she do? You don’t seriously mean she should keep living with him. Better to do it now than wait until he gets signed off with stress or retires early and the dc think you’re really heartless then.
2bazookas · 16/08/2021 08:37

Let the adult children have Dad to live with them.
That might bring a little reality home to them (and him)

BarbaraofSeville · 16/08/2021 08:38

How do you feel about moving? Presumably you currently have a 3/4 bed so if you did a house swap to a 2 bed, there wouldn't be any room for him anyway and your rent, council tax and utilities would be a bit cheaper?

If he has a poor credit history despite being a decent earner and living in a council property so affordable rent, I suspect that he's a bit of a man child who's never had to stand on his own two feet in a domestic sense?

Are there any council flats available to over 55s that he could move to? They probably have much shorter waiting lists than properties aimed at families and younger couples/singles.

latesummerdays · 16/08/2021 08:38

Well in that case, you are only unreasonable insofar as he came back in the first place Flowers

Best of luck going forwards now.

LawnFever · 16/08/2021 08:38

He will actually be homeless, living on the streets, this is the situation many homeless men have come from.

He has an income of £2k a month, there’s no need for him to be on the streets whatsoever, he can pay rent like a normal functioning adult.