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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my ex husband homeless?

178 replies

BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 07:55

Long story short, we've been together 25 years, now divorced. 3 children but only youngest aged 12 at home. We live in a council property but it's a sole tenancy in my name only. I gave him notice to leave by the end of the month. He has a full time job but no car, friends or family.

I Just can't bear being under the same roof as him but I'm feeling under pressure from my adult children to let him stay until he finds somewhere to live. This could take forever as he's relying on being rehoused by the council and refuses to pay private landlord rent. He's very comfortable at home. He's hoping I'm going to change my mind(he has told adult DC this) as I have done before, but it's taken me an awful lot of strength and courage to get to this point and I certainly won't be changing my mind!

Adult DC are saying I'm being unfair on him despite them knowing what I've had to put up with over the years. I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to. If I could leave and rent I would but that's not an option unfortunately. I know he will really struggle to find somewhere (in London) as he has a poor credit history but does take home approximately 2K monthly so surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect a 56 year old grown man with a full time job to fend for himself?

The thought of him staying longer than I've given him depresses me so much, my youngest son and I are already staying away with friends and family as much as possible while he sits around feeling sorry for himself and playing the victim. But what my adult children said to me last night has really upset me and I'm doubting my decision, not because I feel sorry for him but just the fact they think I'm being unreasonable. I need to move on with my life and living how we are currently isn't helping anyone at all. I hate being there with him and I'm dreading going home after a lovely weekend away at my friend's house. AIBU?

OP posts:
BSideBaby · 16/08/2021 09:33

OP you really aren't obliged to discuss this with your DC. As others have said it's your (ex) relationship and they don't have any say on what happens next. It's very disrespectful of them to think otherwise and they are overstepping the mark by offering an opinion.

Your exDP needs to move out and rent privately. A strict deadline is needed here.

mam0918 · 16/08/2021 09:33

I dont understand people that 'refuse' private tenancies, I can only imagine they dont understand how housing works.

My parents (who bought their council houses and sold them for profit) always tell me to get a council house, I was homeless and on the list for 3 damn years, they acted like that was the only possible option (and still do, the constantly ask when Im going to get a council house... Im not).

That was until someone simply explained housing benefit (which I qualified for as a homeless person) covers private tenancies so its basically the same as a council house just not owned by the council.

I wish I had known years earlier because theres practically zero difference between a council house and a private tenancy and I wouldnt have spent years in my unstable younger days in hostiles and sofa surfing.

80sPadme · 16/08/2021 09:37

* The council won't do anything, they can't even find accommodation for single men who are unemployed/with MH problems.*
Again incorrect, my partner was rehoused in council flat when he separated after 7 month wait- no mental health issues and works full time.
I'm not saying op should let him stay as he is an abusive twat by the sound of it but this info is incorrect.

lauramaccy · 16/08/2021 09:37

With the exception of the fact my kids are young, I've been in this exact same position. The judgement for me came from mutual friends and his family.

You are so so so within your rights to have him leave. Just do it. Please. You'll be so glad you did. Don't delay another day!

TatianaBis · 16/08/2021 09:38

HB is not accepted by many private landlords, and exDH’s income is too high to qualify I think.

He’s not homeless just tight.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/08/2021 09:40

I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to

I thought so Hmm

Whether or not to help him is their choice, but that doesn't give them the right to dictate yours and frankly I don't like the fact they're even trying

The word you're looking for is "No"

Sicario · 16/08/2021 09:42

Have you done The Freedom Programme?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I recommend you look into it. It will help with your boundaries. You do not have to entangle your life with your ex. It's YOUR home. YOUR life.

Lovemusic33 · 16/08/2021 09:42

@mam0918

I dont understand people that 'refuse' private tenancies, I can only imagine they dont understand how housing works.

My parents (who bought their council houses and sold them for profit) always tell me to get a council house, I was homeless and on the list for 3 damn years, they acted like that was the only possible option (and still do, the constantly ask when Im going to get a council house... Im not).

That was until someone simply explained housing benefit (which I qualified for as a homeless person) covers private tenancies so its basically the same as a council house just not owned by the council.

I wish I had known years earlier because theres practically zero difference between a council house and a private tenancy and I wouldnt have spent years in my unstable younger days in hostiles and sofa surfing.

There’s a huge price difference in house ing association and private tenancy here, for example I pay £480pm for a 3 bed house (HA), my friend has a tiny 2 bed flat and pays £650pm (private rent). For a single man who had child maintenance to pay as well as rent and bills it is a lot of money. I think it’s hard for someone who’s used to living in a house to then go to living in a room, although it’s not OP’s problem and she shouldn’t feel she has to house him. He will have to find a room in a shared house if he can’t afford private rent.
Crikeycroc · 16/08/2021 09:43

Well done on getting this far. It is so hard to break free from DV and so, so common to go back to your abuser before leaving them for good.
Follow through with the notice and get rid of this man. Your children possibly feel sorry for him because they have been manipulated by him forever and think he needs appeasing. I actually think it’s important that you show them that abusive behaviour has consequences and that you won’t be walked all over.
As long as he is living with you he will probably never be rehoused by the council. You have to draw the line somewhere and make him take responsibility for himself.

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/08/2021 09:43

Yes get him gone, this is another mind game. I bet he's hoping to present to the council as homeless so wants you to forcibly evict him.
TBH I'd take advice from others on this, police, housing office, women's DV charity etc on the best way to play it because I don't think he's planning on going quietly.

Swapping to another property for a fresh start sounds worth considering once he's gone.

Inertia · 16/08/2021 09:49

He’s an abusive, violent man, and by pressurising you to allow him to stay he is perpetuating the emotional abuse.

Applying for a transfer to a smaller house is a great idea. In the meantime, he is not your responsibility. You are not responsible for housing your abuser.

tara66 · 16/08/2021 09:55

YANBU. He needs to find his own accommodation which is likely to be a house/flat share. Your children will move on with their lives and are unlikely to provide him with a place to live. It's a good idea to apply to move to a 2 bed property as it's for just you and one child. Then he will have to move out too.

youdoyoutoday · 16/08/2021 09:56

The council will never rehome him, ever! Single bloke earning 2k a month should be able to sort his shit out.
You've given him til the end of the month so wait it out then change the locks when he goes out to work, pack his stuff up and take it to one of your adult kids or leave it on the door step.
Your older kids should be more understanding considering DV is involved here.
Good luck OP, stay strong!

FreeBritnee · 16/08/2021 09:59

Sounds like your adult children have also learned to be coercive and use guilt and shame to manipulate. Might want to nip that in the bud.

JulesCobb · 16/08/2021 09:59

He holds down a job that pays him £2k per month take-home.

He has known about his housing situation long enough to actually be divorced. Op didn't suddenly announce she wanted to break up yesterday. He must have had months to prepare.

The only reason he doesnt have anywhere to live is that he doesnt want to move out. He is trying to manipulate the op. He already is an abuser.

Op, you owe him nothing.

Cherrysoup · 16/08/2021 09:59

Stay strong, don’t let him continue to be a parasitic thing squatting in YOUR house.

Asking for a downgrade to a 2 bed is a superb idea, but don’t d9 that til he’s gone for sure. Stick to your guns, you are doing the right thing. As for your adult dc, I’m appalled at them. There are solid reasons you want him gone, remind them if necessary.

I think you need legal advice about this

Nope, police will remove/take his keys if asked and told about previous domestic violence.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/08/2021 10:08

No, kick him out.
You deserve to start your new life.

Notaroadrunner · 16/08/2021 10:21

Get him out now and change the locks. You are not responsible for him and you certainly don't owe him a roof over his head. Put your kids views aside and do what's best for you. Don't wait until such a time as you apply for a smaller house. Do it today/this week. Don't give him a months notice. Tell him to pack his shit and get out asap.

heathspeedwell · 16/08/2021 10:24

There are loads of websites devoted to finding house shares and rooms to rent. He's absolutely spoiled for choice, and it will do him good to live with other people in a similar position to him.

Tell your kids the best way they can help him to move on, and improve his mental health, is by having a fresh start.

Tell them about websites like spareoom.co.uk and maybe they can get involved by having a look at suitable places for him? It absolutely shouldn't be their responsibility, but he's clearly using them to manipulate you, which is not on.

You can show them proper parenting by encouraging them to actively find practical solutions and do what is actually best for him and indeed the whole family. It will also help them to see for themselves that he has plenty of other options - he's definitely NOT going to be homeless.

He could be happily in his new home by this time next week, and more importantly you can move on. You have given this abusive man enough of your time and energy. Be firm, be proactive, make getting him out your main focus for a few more days and then you can lock him out for the rest of your life.

Wheresthebeach · 16/08/2021 10:26

Sounds to me like this is just a different type of domestic abuse now.

Get rid, and tell your adult children that if they want to help then they are welcome to live with the risk of domestic violence themselves but that you and your youngest deserve better.

fruitbrewhaha · 16/08/2021 10:33

Well this is what happens when you're a bit of a cunt. While the kids were little and you were dependent on him he had you stuck with him, you and the adult kids are not any more. If he'd been a nice man he would have options, but he's not so he will have to fucking work it our for himself.

Tell him he has to be gone by the end of the month, no debate. You will be removing him and his belongings and changing the locks.

thebeatingofthedrums · 16/08/2021 10:48

It's a form of control.

With £2k take-home, he could find a bedsit or house share in London. He's deliberately not doing so, to guilt you into doing something you don't want to.

Once he leaves, he can afford to stay in a hostel as an emergency form of accommodation, or move in with an adult child (if they'll have him) then seriously start looking for somewhere permanent to live.

You must follow through on your previous instruction of 'you can stay, but only until X, and after then, you're on your own.' If you don't, he'll never take you seriously again, and as you're linked by children, you're always going to have him in your life in some capacity. Make it in as least a painful capacity as possible.

Time to start reclaiming your life and your happiness.

Grimacingfrog · 16/08/2021 10:57

Hang on a minute, he's 56, not 16 or 86. No one needs to house him. He can find a flat share.

Spare Room or similar websites.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 16/08/2021 10:58

@thebeatingofthedrums

It's a form of control.

With £2k take-home, he could find a bedsit or house share in London. He's deliberately not doing so, to guilt you into doing something you don't want to.

Once he leaves, he can afford to stay in a hostel as an emergency form of accommodation, or move in with an adult child (if they'll have him) then seriously start looking for somewhere permanent to live.

You must follow through on your previous instruction of 'you can stay, but only until X, and after then, you're on your own.' If you don't, he'll never take you seriously again, and as you're linked by children, you're always going to have him in your life in some capacity. Make it in as least a painful capacity as possible.

Time to start reclaiming your life and your happiness.

He could actually find himself a full flat in the wider London for £1k a month depending where it is etc. He wouldn't exactly be living in Tower Bridge

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/111132218#/?channel=RES_LET

If he was willing to move further out for a more long term housing arrangement he could get somewhere he could even offer DS a bedroom.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/111368636#/?channel=RES_LET

All depends what he's willing to do. Unfortunately that is not OP's concern or responsibility.

TatianaBis · 16/08/2021 10:59

I doubt the receptionist will pass it on, but if it was passed to me I’d bin it.

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