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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my ex husband homeless?

178 replies

BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 07:55

Long story short, we've been together 25 years, now divorced. 3 children but only youngest aged 12 at home. We live in a council property but it's a sole tenancy in my name only. I gave him notice to leave by the end of the month. He has a full time job but no car, friends or family.

I Just can't bear being under the same roof as him but I'm feeling under pressure from my adult children to let him stay until he finds somewhere to live. This could take forever as he's relying on being rehoused by the council and refuses to pay private landlord rent. He's very comfortable at home. He's hoping I'm going to change my mind(he has told adult DC this) as I have done before, but it's taken me an awful lot of strength and courage to get to this point and I certainly won't be changing my mind!

Adult DC are saying I'm being unfair on him despite them knowing what I've had to put up with over the years. I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to. If I could leave and rent I would but that's not an option unfortunately. I know he will really struggle to find somewhere (in London) as he has a poor credit history but does take home approximately 2K monthly so surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect a 56 year old grown man with a full time job to fend for himself?

The thought of him staying longer than I've given him depresses me so much, my youngest son and I are already staying away with friends and family as much as possible while he sits around feeling sorry for himself and playing the victim. But what my adult children said to me last night has really upset me and I'm doubting my decision, not because I feel sorry for him but just the fact they think I'm being unreasonable. I need to move on with my life and living how we are currently isn't helping anyone at all. I hate being there with him and I'm dreading going home after a lovely weekend away at my friend's house. AIBU?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/08/2021 08:40

If you don’t ‘make him homeless’ (aka refuse to house him as he’s not your responsibility) then he’ll absolutely never be rehomed by the council. Tell him and your adult children that. Tell them that you have been advised you need to officially refuse to have him staying in order to help him.

Don’t feel guilty. He earns money, he can rent. No one lives for free.

LawnFever · 16/08/2021 08:41

I actually hate the house and the fact that I have to stay there, there's too many bad memories and I'd happily up and leave if I could.

Could you ask the council to move you? If you leave the current place and go somewhere new to start afresh you can leave it (and him!) behind!

Could you ask to downsize as it’s just you and your 12 year old? The council will have lots of people keen for a bigger house.

BarbaraofSeville · 16/08/2021 08:41

Cross posted about your feelings about where you live. So even more incentive to look for a house swap, which might be an option for you and help out a larger family that's currently overcrowded.

Not wanting to pay private rent isn't a reason for him to stay with the OP against her will, especially given the previous DV. He could easily afford a studio or house share. He also could have options like moving to a cheaper area if his job is transferrable.

rainyskylight · 16/08/2021 08:41

Why on earth would the council home a fully capable working man with a £2k take-home salary. Jesus.

Has he been paying you rent? If he hasn’t, where the hell has all his money gone.

KingdomScrolls · 16/08/2021 08:42

He doesn't have a tenancy because he abused his wife, that's not something to pity him for. He also has money to find somewhere to live but is refusing to. Have you contacted the council OP and told them he is refusing to leave?

NoSquirrels · 16/08/2021 08:43

I actually hate the house and the fact that I have to stay there, there's too many bad memories and I'd happily up and leave if I could.

Start applying for transfers to a 2-bed. Good luck, OP. You can do it. Flowers

Herja · 16/08/2021 08:43

Had the tennancy been in your sole name by chance, it would perhaps be morally wrong.

As, however, it's in your name due to his domestic violence, I'd kick him out asap and ignore anyone who disagrees.

pointythings · 16/08/2021 08:44

YAsoNBU. I second everyone who has recommended looking for a swap to downsize, but he needs to go no matter what. You made a mistake once letting him back in - caving to your adult DC would just be another mistake piled on top of that. He's probably played the victim to them.

Stand firm and get him out, he can live in a house share.

Eviebeans · 16/08/2021 08:45

Asking to downsize to 2 beds is a good call.
Have you been divorced for long? I can't understand why his leaving didn't follow naturally from the divorce being finalised.
It sounds at the moment, if you are deliberately staying away, that he is living entirely rent free in your home.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 16/08/2021 08:45

This.

He’ll be waiting for Christ at this rate.

He’s a big boy, he’ll be just fine on his own two feet. Time to stop mooching off his ex. If anything you making him homeless will increase his chances of being housed.

The kids are clearly grieving for the relationship of their parents, they’ll come round don’t worry. They need to see someone as the bad guy and it’s easier to be you because you’re ‘rocking the boat’.

Jigsawtrain · 16/08/2021 08:45

Was he the perpetrator of the domestic abuse towards you? If so contact women’s aid for support, he’s still controlling you. As are your adult children.

Either way you are absolutely not unreasonable kicking him out. Where I am, him being DH homeless will mean he gets higher priority so you’re doing both of you a favour.

Shouldbedoing · 16/08/2021 08:46

I've seen single older men get one bed council flats or bedsits in the undesirable areas relatively easily compared to the impossibility of finding a family home.
The downsize via the council for you and 12 yo sounds great too - leave the bad memories behind, let the council kick him out

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/08/2021 08:49

He will be at the very bottom of the list for rehousing by the council.
YANBU. I’m afraid I would tell my adult children that if a single man can’t survive in £2,000 per month, they are very welcome to house him.

Lalliella · 16/08/2021 08:50

So your adult children think it’s acceptable for their 12 year old brother to be so unhappy in his own home that he stays away from it as much as possible? And for their mother to live with someone who was violent to her? They need to get some empathy, grow the fuck up and butt out. This man is continuing to abuse you. Stick to your guns OP. And good advice from PPs to ask for a smaller house.

Terhou · 16/08/2021 08:51

If your children really think you should continue to live with a violent man, they need a reality check. He won't ever get council housing while he lives with you, so he needs to sort out private accommodation now. Something like a lodging or houseshare arrangement should be within his means.

Phyllis321 · 16/08/2021 08:52

OP, I’ve just been on Rightmove and there are decent studio and one bed flats to rent all over Greater London at around £1k a month. He wouldn’t be rolling in it but he certainly wouldn’t be destitute.

endofthelinefinally · 16/08/2021 08:52

I agree with everyone saying ask for a transfer to a 2 bedroom property.
Is your ex paying rent and bills?

billy1966 · 16/08/2021 08:52

You owe him nothing.

Seeing if you could swap house might help you, but either way he is not your responsibility.

Tell your children to take him in if they want but YOU are done and NOT discussing it.

Get him out.Flowers

FreeBritnee · 16/08/2021 08:52

@LawnFever

He will actually be homeless, living on the streets, this is the situation many homeless men have come from.

He has an income of £2k a month, there’s no need for him to be on the streets whatsoever, he can pay rent like a normal functioning adult.

Quite. There are house shares before the streets surely Confused
Congressdingo · 16/08/2021 08:52

@CeeJay81

Id be helping him find alternative accommodation. on his salery surely there'd be something affordable, even if it's just a bedsit or shared accommodation. It's hardly making him homeless if he earns that kind of money.
You would help a full grown adult who has a job and frankly is only still there because it's easier for him? No disabilities have been mentioned. Do you often help adults do adult things?
MakkaPakkas · 16/08/2021 08:57

He should be able to find something on his wages. Round here (west London) he'd get an (admittedly crappy) 1 bed for 800-900. And he could also go for a house share at about 600. Many people live like that. While he's looking perhaps he could crash at his children's houses. You are not making him homeless. You could also apply to the council to downsize if you have an extra bedroom - get away from the place. Good luck!

LoislovesStewie · 16/08/2021 08:57

@Rubyupbeat

But think how bad this would sound if it were the husband that held the tenancy. This is his home too, no matter how much you despise him . He will actually be homeless, living on the streets, this is the situation many homeless men have come from. I really do not know the answer, I do think he should be more pro active though.
But he has an income and should be seeking his own accommodation. If he is so helpless that he can't find his own, then it says a lot for him. He has been given time to sort it out and has done next to nothing. If you read what the OP says, she has put up with abuse over the years. She is entitled to live free from that, so, he should be made to get out.
FairFuming · 16/08/2021 08:59

Chuck him out. You gave warning. He could be a lodger in a house or get a house share.

Then apply for a house swap and get a new start for you and your son xx

Jurassicparkinajug · 16/08/2021 09:00

YANBU. Make sure he fully understands that he has only got to till the end of the month and you are not going to change your mind. Tell him he won't get a council property and prompt him to start looking at private rental options now. If he doesn't, this is not your issue, it will be his fault for not bothering to find anywhere. Make sure your children know how clear you've been with him. You can't live like this OP, it sounds awful.

endofthelinefinally · 16/08/2021 09:01

There are loads of house shares for working adults, even in London.
2K a month is a good income. He won't be on the streets.

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