To make my ex husband homeless?

[BearPomBear]

Long story short, we've been together 25 years, now divorced. 3 children but only youngest aged 12 at home. We live in a council property but it's a sole tenancy in my name only. I gave him notice to leave by the end of the month. He has a full time job but no car, friends or family.

I Just can't bear being under the same roof as him but I'm feeling under pressure from my adult children to let him stay until he finds somewhere to live. This could take forever as he's relying on being rehoused by the council and refuses to pay private landlord rent. He's very comfortable at home. He's hoping I'm going to change my mind(he has told adult DC this) as I have done before, but it's taken me an awful lot of strength and courage to get to this point and I certainly won't be changing my mind!

Adult DC are saying I'm being unfair on him despite them knowing what I've had to put up with over the years. I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to. If I could leave and rent I would but that's not an option unfortunately. I know he will really struggle to find somewhere (in London) as he has a poor credit history but does take home approximately 2K monthly so surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect a 56 year old grown man with a full time job to fend for himself?

The thought of him staying longer than I've given him depresses me so much, my youngest son and I are already staying away with friends and family as much as possible while he sits around feeling sorry for himself and playing the victim. But what my adult children said to me last night has really upset me and I'm doubting my decision, not because I feel sorry for him but just the fact they think I'm being unreasonable. I need to move on with my life and living how we are currently isn't helping anyone at all. I hate being there with him and I'm dreading going home after a lovely weekend away at my friend's house. AIBU?

if you give in and let him stay then you will be stuck with him there until your both in your 80s in which case you might as well have stayed married to him . .
your adult children can have him live with then for next x amount of years if they are feeling that worried about him whilst he waits like forever for a council place . if they do start guilt tripping you i would just say its mentally taking its toll on your nerves and you cant cope with it anymore , its not like hes unemployed

YANBU
You need to look after your 12 year old and yourself. Your older children clearly do not have any concern for the two of you if they are pressurising you into keeping your ex in the house.

Your ex needs to take responsibility for himself. Do not let him stay.

Keep thinking about what your youngest child needs - he needs a safe home. He is at a vulnerable age. So you must stay strong.

If you change your mind, you’re basically stuck with him forever. You only get one chance at life, is that really what you’d choose? It’s your choice-nobody else’s.

@Rubyupbeat

But think how bad this would sound if it were the husband that held the tenancy. This is his home too, no matter how much you despise him . He will actually be homeless, living on the streets, this is the situation many homeless men have come from. I really do not know the answer, I do think he should be more pro active though.

Nonsense. He'll only be homeless and living on the streets if he chooses not to find himself alternative accommodation, having been given plenty of notice to do so. 2k a month is plenty to find a room in a house share, even in London.

@Heronwatcher

No YANBU. Tell your adult kids that they are welcome to help him pay rent/ hotel bills/ move out and give him their sofa. You should not have to have him in your own home and he is a fully grown adult with a job.

This! And also maybe on the emotional side say it's going to be better in the long run for boundaries to be put in place now.

He can rent a room as a lodger for around 7k a year in London. That’s well within his budget.

I think your adult children are completely remiss in pressuring you to stay in an toxic situation. They can always rehome him with them if they’re that concerned about him.

Please do not let this man stay for a moment longer, he deserves nothing from you and is perfectly able to find his own housing.

I just wanted to give you the heads up that if you do ask him to leave once and for all, the council may contact you and try and convince you to take him back, even if just for a while longer. They may really lay on the guilt tripping tactics to try and convince you.

If so, tell them immediately that he has perpetrated DV, be absolutely categorical that you are not taking him back, and that the council are not to contact you again.

Good luck.

He can go stay with the adult children- either staying out in one of their homes or moving between them all. Honestly, he won’t get rehoused, he has no intention of getting rehoused- he’s literally said as much as he’s hoping you will change your mind and allow him to stay.

@jellylegsbegone

He will literally NEVER be rehomed by the council!

Not true!!! My bf was regimes by council when separated and having to live with his ex. It took 7 months mind. He worked and had kids 50/50 though.

@Warmduscher

Unless they are prepared to help him find somewhere else, or offer to put him up until he does, they have no business telling you to remain living with someone you are divorced from. They’re the ones being unreasonable.

This. He is no longer your husband or your problem.

YADNBU.

You are divorced.
He is abusive.
He works full time.

If he chooses to be homeless and behave like a twat and not get a house share/be a lodger, that’s on him, not you.

@rainyskylight

Why on earth would the council home a fully capable working man with a £2k take-home salary. Jesus.

Has he been paying you rent? If he hasn’t, where the hell has all his money gone.

Agreed. The council won't do anything, they can't even find accommodation for single men who are unemployed/with MH problems. Plus should the tax payer pay for him to go to long-term B&B anyway? It would be interesting to see how he reacts if OP finds someone else who moves in- it would be cosy to say the least.

I wonder, if your adult children lived through a domestic abuse situation as kids, if there's a bit of trauma/resentment at work here - it was good enough for us to live with, but suddenly now we're out of it you want to get rid of him sort of thing? They may not be able to understand why you would put them through it and THEN leave. They may be jealous that you are motivated enough to protect their little brother but didn't find the strength to do the same for them. I feel sorry for them too, it's horrible coming from a background of domestic abuse and having to feel responsible for your parents.

However that's neither here nor there - you can't undo the wrong done to them by continuing to suffer him as penance. Stick to your guns and chuck him out. If there's a record of his DV with the police and you can demonstrate that you are divorced and that the house is sole tenancy to you then you should be able to get police help to chuck him out if he won't go. You may never repair the relationship with your adult kids; but that is no reason to ruin the rest of your or your 12 yo's life. Hold your nose and get it done, then assess the fallout when you have space and time to do so rationally.

YANBU.

He has a job and is an adult. He doesn't get to live with you because he doesn't quite fancy paying rent or living somewhere else. That's not how it works.

There will be loads of flat/house shares, rooms to rent in London. He needs to find one. Even AirB&B is an option, even if it's just temporary until he sorts something else.

Also, he could look at moving further out and commuting to work like millions of others. London is well served by trains/tube - I got a train to London from Manchester that only took 2 hours 10 minutes. While I'm not suggesting that is a suitable daily commute, the point is, he could move to a cheaper area just outside London and commute in.

Don't give in OP. He needs to sort himself out.

You can call the police and they will remove him from your property. So many men do this, 'I can't find anywhere' so they just stay put. The police can help you, maybe he needs a short sharp shock like being removed?

I'm slightly shocked by all the people saying "your adult kids can have him then". This is an abusive man. Abusive husbands are rarely perfect,non-abusive fathers. These young adults may still be deep in Fear/Obligation/Guilt mode and feel unable to stand up to their dad. They may have carved out a life free of violence and drama for themselves away from the family home and now see that at risk. This is not selfishness - they didn't choose this man for a father.

Keep strong. You know you're doing the right thing. There's obviously a huge history which you all are dealing with, but listening to your adult kids on this is not the right way to go. He is abusive. You are divorced. He has to go and start taking responsibility. He is not a problem you or your kids have to solve.

Fuck that, change the locks today, it’s your house, he’s a domestic abuser, scum like that deserves nothing. Call the police if he tries more abuse.

Everything draineddraineddrained said.

It's a trickier situation than it looks on the surface because basically by kicking him out you are compelling your children to have an abusive and manipulative man live with them.

People can spout nonsense like "if your children are that concerned THEY can have him!!!!!!!" but that's missing the point. You've experienced abuse, is it really the right thing to do to shift the problem onto your own children?

There aren't any right outcomes in a situation like this.

Kick him out.

He will NEVER find housing or be rehoused if he has a place to live. Never.

Tell your DCs if it's as simple as waiting for the council to come through, then they can house him in the meantime. Stand firm.

If your adult children are so concerned about him maybe they should offer him a bed/sofa? You are divorced and shouldn’t have to put up with living with him and you shouldn’t feel any guilt for making him homeless. He has a job so he can find a room to rent if he can’t afford a flat? It’s not ideal but it’s not your problem.

@Phyllis321

OP, I’ve just been on Rightmove and there are decent studio and one bed flats to rent all over Greater London at around £1k a month. He wouldn’t be rolling in it but he certainly wouldn’t be destitute.

I agree, the parts of London I've lived in have one bed flats around £1000 a month. Whether he'd pass the credit check is another matter. However, you're divorced, he needs to move out. By staying he's continuing his abusive behaviour.

ChainJane

It's a trickier situation than it looks on the surface because basically by kicking him out you are compelling your children to have an abusive and manipulative man live with them.“

Rubbish. He takes home £2k each month. You find it perfectly acceptable that OP and her youngest child should live with a manipulative and abusive man?

Adult DC should take him in if they’re so worried or keep their opinions to themselves.

Tell your adult kids he's welcome to move in with them.

The council will never rehome him while he has his feet under the table at your house.

He's had plenty of notice. Time for him to go.