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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my ex husband homeless?

178 replies

BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 07:55

Long story short, we've been together 25 years, now divorced. 3 children but only youngest aged 12 at home. We live in a council property but it's a sole tenancy in my name only. I gave him notice to leave by the end of the month. He has a full time job but no car, friends or family.

I Just can't bear being under the same roof as him but I'm feeling under pressure from my adult children to let him stay until he finds somewhere to live. This could take forever as he's relying on being rehoused by the council and refuses to pay private landlord rent. He's very comfortable at home. He's hoping I'm going to change my mind(he has told adult DC this) as I have done before, but it's taken me an awful lot of strength and courage to get to this point and I certainly won't be changing my mind!

Adult DC are saying I'm being unfair on him despite them knowing what I've had to put up with over the years. I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to. If I could leave and rent I would but that's not an option unfortunately. I know he will really struggle to find somewhere (in London) as he has a poor credit history but does take home approximately 2K monthly so surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect a 56 year old grown man with a full time job to fend for himself?

The thought of him staying longer than I've given him depresses me so much, my youngest son and I are already staying away with friends and family as much as possible while he sits around feeling sorry for himself and playing the victim. But what my adult children said to me last night has really upset me and I'm doubting my decision, not because I feel sorry for him but just the fact they think I'm being unreasonable. I need to move on with my life and living how we are currently isn't helping anyone at all. I hate being there with him and I'm dreading going home after a lovely weekend away at my friend's house. AIBU?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 16/08/2021 13:44

Getting down to some nitty gritty conversations with your Husband, about having a child, is the best option. books and counsellors will not be any use.

Knotswapper · 16/08/2021 13:49

YANBU. He sounds just like my ex. I had to move countries to get rid of him. He's now living with his parents like the incompetent waste of space he is.

DadAManger · 16/08/2021 14:14

You may be being unreasonable. How was he during the 25 years you were married? Did he pay many things for you, pay the bills (including the rent on this council place) and support you heavily during the earlier stages of your children's lives or similar? Maybe your children saw his contribution and that may be why your children feel so strongly you should not make him homeless?

GoldenBlue · 16/08/2021 14:18

@DadAManger

You may be being unreasonable. How was he during the 25 years you were married? Did he pay many things for you, pay the bills (including the rent on this council place) and support you heavily during the earlier stages of your children's lives or similar? Maybe your children saw his contribution and that may be why your children feel so strongly you should not make him homeless?
If 2 people are divorced they are no longer responsible for each other. She doesn't need to provide him a home (with her or anywhere else), he's a grown up and can sort it himself.

He is an abuser and the tenancy is in her name to help protect her from his previous abuse.

I imagine he has told some sob story to the kids about being homeless, but he has an income so there is no reason like any other able adult that he can't find somewhere to live and pay for it himself.

Historic contributions and support would not change that reality.

NotYourCupOfTea · 16/08/2021 14:22

Next time he goes out change the locks?
Contact the police if you have any issues

DadAManger · 16/08/2021 14:22

@GoldenBlue - "If 2 people are divorced they are no longer responsible for each other." That is not how things are seen by us all. If a woman was going to be made homeless, might we think differently and ignore her contribution? Would we just say "nope, he's not responsible for her and she is out and homeless?" I don't think think I would Confused

NewlyGranny · 16/08/2021 14:25

Your adult DC just need you to point out that you're not a charity hostel for the divorced homeless.

Of course they're worried he will impose on them; it's very likely he will. That's their problem, though, not yours. He's always going to be their father, after all - but he's nothing but an ex to you now.

Stick to your guns.

80sPadme · 16/08/2021 14:27

Do you receive UC as a couple

NewlyGranny · 16/08/2021 14:28

Golden blue, it's a tenancy, not a home with shared equity in it! And of course a woman clearing £2k+ a month would be seen as capable of living independently. We're not children.

NewlyGranny · 16/08/2021 14:30

Sorry, Golden Blue, that comment should have been directed to DadAManger. My bad.

youdoyoutoday · 16/08/2021 14:31

@DadAManger

You may be being unreasonable. How was he during the 25 years you were married? Did he pay many things for you, pay the bills (including the rent on this council place) and support you heavily during the earlier stages of your children's lives or similar? Maybe your children saw his contribution and that may be why your children feel so strongly you should not make him homeless?
Domestic violence was involved in this case so no, OP owes him fuck all!!
condensationwindows · 16/08/2021 14:54

@DadAManger

You may be being unreasonable. How was he during the 25 years you were married? Did he pay many things for you, pay the bills (including the rent on this council place) and support you heavily during the earlier stages of your children's lives or similar? Maybe your children saw his contribution and that may be why your children feel so strongly you should not make him homeless?
WTF

Have you actually read the OPs posts.

skodadoda · 16/08/2021 14:58

@forrestgreen

Give the ex a date to have moved out by in writing. Telling him his things will be moved out of the flat.

Text dc
'Dead adult children. As you are aware myself and your dad are now divorced. He earns a good wage and has absolutely no reason to be telling you that he'll be homeless. His final date for here is x date. This leaves him plenty of time to find somewhere and book movers if necessary. I'm no longer responsible for him, and as his children neither are you. He's capable of renting somewhere but wants to stay here, and is using you to try to make me feel guilty. Please stop letting him involve you in this situation'

You should do this. Your ex is making himself homeless.
Terhou · 16/08/2021 15:01

[quote DadAManger]@GoldenBlue - "If 2 people are divorced they are no longer responsible for each other." That is not how things are seen by us all. If a woman was going to be made homeless, might we think differently and ignore her contribution? Would we just say "nope, he's not responsible for her and she is out and homeless?" I don't think think I would Confused[/quote]
But we certainly wouldn't say that the man has to continue housing the woman indefinitely under his roof when the woman is perfectly capable of finding and paying for her own separate accommodation.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/08/2021 15:03

@Viviennemary

Its mean. Exploitation if you are the only one on the tenancy. Why dont you move out and let him take over the tenancy.
You never fail to be batshit, do you?
WhereYouLeftIt · 16/08/2021 15:10

"I Just can't bear being under the same roof as him but I'm feeling under pressure from my adult children to let him stay until he finds somewhere to live. ... Adult DC are saying I'm being unfair on him despite them knowing what I've had to put up with over the years. I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to. "

I think I'd be having some VERY strong words with my adult children. In fact, I'd be summoning up some anger and ripping them a new one. How DARE they! If they feel obliged, they can either act on that feeling or tell their dad that he's an adult and should act like one and house himself. What they don't get to do is pressure you into a hellish home environment whilst they hold their noses. Get angry and tell them to back the fuck off!

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 16/08/2021 17:07

I think under the circumstances, given that the current facts on the ground are that it IS a sole tenancy, and he has treated you badly over the years, I would feel really uncomfortable advising you to let him stay. BUT....I also live in a council house and my understanding of the rules where I live is that if you live with a partner you are supposed to put the tenancy into joint names. The main reason for that as far as the council are concerned is to prevent couples claiming benefits as 2 single people (I'm not saying that is you of course, just that that is the main reason, in my area, that they want joint tenancies if a partner is living in a council house). However another reason is fairness, so that situations like this don't happen and one person is left homeless. Were you to be in a joint tenancy and split up, the council would have a far greater obligation to re-house your ex than they do if he was just unofficially living with you. I think if there was a situation where a woman lived with a partner in a council house, and he didn't put her on the tenancy; they split, and he threw her out, Mumsnet would quite rightly be outraged. So whilst I feel really sorry for the stress that living with him must be causing you - and especially if he was an asshat to you during the relationship - the fact that the situation has been allowed to develop because the tenancy remained sole doesn't seem very fair on him, as the council have no obligation to re-house him as priority. And even less fair if he has been contributing to the rent on the property for 25 years.

pointythings · 16/08/2021 17:37

Kazeno if you had bothered to read all OP's posts, you would know that the tenancy was put into OP's sole name because there was abuse. By the council. So none of what you have written applies here.

He was abusive. They are divorced. He has to go.

JulesCobb · 16/08/2021 17:45

he was an asshat an asshat? Is that the word you use for an abuser charged with domestic violence? Is this to down play the abuse?

And even less fair if he has been contributing to the rent on the property for 25 years. why does this matter? They dont own the house. It isnt mortgaged. That’s the problem with rent. It doesnt matter how long you pay for, the house is not yours

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 16/08/2021 19:27

Ah I'm so sorry - I definitely didn't read the whole thread!! In that case, it's a resounding "get him out!" from me too! As I said before, even without knowing the extra stuff about the abuse, ie when I only thought he was an "asshat" I still said I'd be loath to say "let him stay". But yeah the abuse/tenancy thing puts it beyond doubt. Sorry if my not RTFT caused you extra pain in what has obviously been a terrible situation OP ❤️.

QueenBee52 · 16/08/2021 20:22

No more kindness or Notice @BearPomBear

Get him OUT now. Flowers

purdypuma · 16/08/2021 21:23

If he is waiting until the council rehouse him & you agree to that then basically you will be stuck with him forever! Single males usually have lowest priority with any housing organisation, especially those earning 2k a month as he will be classed as being able to afford private rent. You need to stand firm with him, even if it means temporarily upsetting the children I'm afraid.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/08/2021 21:26

Viviennemary

Its mean. Exploitation if you are the only one on the tenancy. Why dont you move out and let him take over the tenancy.”

Don’t be foolish.

LawnFever · 16/08/2021 21:41

@BearPomBear

Thank you again for all of your help and support, I'll definitely be looking to exchange
Great update Smile Think this is definitely the best option, you can start afresh! Good luck
MrsRockAndRoll · 16/08/2021 21:52

Your children are being ridiculous. As is your ex.

He needs to be responsible for himself. How long have you both been separated? I'm presuming he's had a huge amount of notice thistle the relationship is over, so he's chosen not to take ownership,

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