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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my ex husband homeless?

178 replies

BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 07:55

Long story short, we've been together 25 years, now divorced. 3 children but only youngest aged 12 at home. We live in a council property but it's a sole tenancy in my name only. I gave him notice to leave by the end of the month. He has a full time job but no car, friends or family.

I Just can't bear being under the same roof as him but I'm feeling under pressure from my adult children to let him stay until he finds somewhere to live. This could take forever as he's relying on being rehoused by the council and refuses to pay private landlord rent. He's very comfortable at home. He's hoping I'm going to change my mind(he has told adult DC this) as I have done before, but it's taken me an awful lot of strength and courage to get to this point and I certainly won't be changing my mind!

Adult DC are saying I'm being unfair on him despite them knowing what I've had to put up with over the years. I think the reason they don't want me to make him homeless is because they will feel obliged to have him and don't want to. If I could leave and rent I would but that's not an option unfortunately. I know he will really struggle to find somewhere (in London) as he has a poor credit history but does take home approximately 2K monthly so surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect a 56 year old grown man with a full time job to fend for himself?

The thought of him staying longer than I've given him depresses me so much, my youngest son and I are already staying away with friends and family as much as possible while he sits around feeling sorry for himself and playing the victim. But what my adult children said to me last night has really upset me and I'm doubting my decision, not because I feel sorry for him but just the fact they think I'm being unreasonable. I need to move on with my life and living how we are currently isn't helping anyone at all. I hate being there with him and I'm dreading going home after a lovely weekend away at my friend's house. AIBU?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 16/08/2021 11:00

YANBU. He works full time and he’s totally unrealistic thinking the council will house him (he sounds very entitled). If your children are that bothered, then he can go to live with them. Why is he your problem?!

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 16/08/2021 11:00

Twenty seconds on rightmove just show he's an abusive chancer who wants to continue to ride the coat tails of his ex wife and the Local authority.

There are THOUSANDS, MILLIONS of families who would be financially better off in council housing. Unfortunately it is not available for all and for good reason. A single, working, fully abled man who sounds as though he's on about £30k should not be eligible for council housing - that's not fair and makes an absolute mockery of the system.

Grimacingfrog · 16/08/2021 11:01

As for hating the house, once he's gone, just redecorate. It doesn't have to be expensive, you could paint it yourself so it looks different, rearrange the furniture. It will immediately look better once he's not their as a really bad accessory!

Grimacingfrog · 16/08/2021 11:01

*there

Viviennemary · 16/08/2021 12:17

Its mean. Exploitation if you are the only one on the tenancy. Why dont you move out and let him take over the tenancy.

Jigsawtrain · 16/08/2021 12:22

@Viviennemary

Its mean. Exploitation if you are the only one on the tenancy. Why dont you move out and let him take over the tenancy.
Why on earth, should OP move out to let him take over the tenancy when she got sole tenancy because he was abusive to her! It sounds like he’s still being abusive through controlling her!!
BaronessBomburst · 16/08/2021 12:26

I was going to suggest a swap too. Make a new start for yourself.

Notimeforaname · 16/08/2021 12:28

Breaks my heart that your kids want you to still live an unhappy life just to please the abuser.

Do not listen to your adult children about this.

He is a grown man. As suggested,change the lock yourself. You have a choice and you have control of this.

user1471538283 · 16/08/2021 12:28

@BarbaraofSeville - that is such a good idea! Is there a home swap thing in London where you could offer your home for another and only go for a 2 bed. You would then get a new start and he could not come with you. It might be worth a shot?

Regardless, your home isn't his. He needs to move out immediately.

pointythings · 16/08/2021 12:29

Why on earth, should OP move out to let him take over the tenancy when she got sole tenancy because he was abusive to her! It sounds like he’s still being abusive through controlling her!!

This. ExH chose to be abusive - here are the consequences for him. Nothing mean about it, just a bit of natural justice. As VivienneMary knows perfectly well, but she does so love to defend the men.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 16/08/2021 12:41

Do you cook for him, and do his laundry? Clean up after him?

Grimacingfrog · 16/08/2021 12:44

@Viviennemary

Its mean. Exploitation if you are the only one on the tenancy. Why dont you move out and let him take over the tenancy.
Such a weird take. You always sound like a Tory wife.
PerseverancePays · 16/08/2021 12:51

Do a house swap, it’s quite fun, and also hard work, but well worth it in the end when you get a ‘new’ house.

GettingItOutThere · 16/08/2021 12:54

get him out!!

why cant the kids house him? they dont want too? thought so!

hes a grown man, 56?! salary....get him out by the 31st latest!!

Welshiefluff · 16/08/2021 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

bluebeck · 16/08/2021 12:57

YANBU

If adult DC want to live with him they can arrange to do so, you aren't stopping them.

RestingPandaFace · 16/08/2021 13:01

As per PP you absolutely need him out and you are doing the right thing.

I wonder if you need to spell it out to the kids in terms that they will understand. Sometimes I think Mums protect their kids too much from seeing their father’s true nature.

Maybe something like
Your father has been abusive and violent to me in the past and is using the threat of homelessness to carry on controlling me. I can’t carry on living with him as it’s triggering for me and is damaging my mental health.

I am sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to get out when you were much younger, but I’ve found my strength now and I need to look after myself and your little brother.

The council will never rehouse him whilst he has a home here with me, and he knows this. If he chooses to be homeless rather than to privately rent then that’s his choice and I am not responsible for his choices.

I love you but this isn’t up for discussion.

Once you get him out applying for an exchange might be a brilliant new start for you, but first things first, get him out…

Original poster
BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 13:02

@dexterslockedintheshedagain

Do you cook for him, and do his laundry? Clean up after him?
No nothing at all
OP posts:
Original poster
BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 13:02

@Welshiefluff

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
He wouldn't give me anything anyway and to be honest I don't want anything from him
OP posts:
Original poster
BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 13:03

@Viviennemary

Its mean. Exploitation if you are the only one on the tenancy. Why dont you move out and let him take over the tenancy.
They wouldn't give it to him based on his past behaviour so there's no point.
OP posts:
Original poster
BearPomBear · 16/08/2021 13:07

Thank you again for all of your help and support, I'll definitely be looking to exchange

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 16/08/2021 13:10

Give the ex a date to have moved out by in writing. Telling him his things will be moved out of the flat.

Text dc
'Dead adult children. As you are aware myself and your dad are now divorced. He earns a good wage and has absolutely no reason to be telling you that he'll be homeless. His final date for here is x date. This leaves him plenty of time to find somewhere and book movers if necessary. I'm no longer responsible for him, and as his children neither are you. He's capable of renting somewhere but wants to stay here, and is using you to try to make me feel guilty. Please stop letting him involve you in this situation'

toocold54 · 16/08/2021 13:10

If you Chuck him out he can present to the council as homeless- if he stays he will never get a council flat/house he will always be at the bottom of the list.

This is exactly what he needs to do - go to the council and say he’s homeless. He may have to stay in a B&B or something until he finds a place but he’ll be way up the top of the list.
I am very close to the top of the list and 3 years later I still haven’t got anywhere and I have DCs so he has no chance.

Stealbee · 16/08/2021 13:23

@Heronwatcher

No YANBU. Tell your adult kids that they are welcome to help him pay rent/ hotel bills/ move out and give him their sofa. You should not have to have him in your own home and he is a fully grown adult with a job.
Yes I agree with this.
CallMeMabel · 16/08/2021 13:33

If his name had been on the tenancy instead of yours, would he have let you stay?
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, buck him out.