AIBU to insist we stay in London?

[londonlass33]

DH wants to leave London and I desperately don’t. We’ve visited numerous places in the south-east where we could viably live (due to commuting distance mainly) to house hunt and I’ve just not felt at home anywhere.

For me London has it all - culture, diversity, fabulous parks, restaurants, excellent public transport, nightlife, sports and myriad educational and job opportunities for the DC when they get older. Nowhere we’ve visited has come even close to my mind.

We also live in a lovely quiet street with a wonderful sense of community and are good friends with our fabulous neighbours. We have many friends in the area through the DC’s nursery too.

DH is adamant he wants to leave as whilst he acknowledges all of the above, he’s got his heart set on a change of scenery after the last 18 months. I’m very reluctant to give it a go for the aforementioned reasons and because it will be nigh on impossible to come back if we leave and regret it.

WWYD?

Not go

But why does he feel like that now?

And also what’s the job situation / wfh etc?

I'm always wanting to move but in your situation, I'd really have to think hard. I've moved a lot & making friends gets harder. Good neighbours & community is worth its weight in gold.

I will never leave London. Don’t go-you will regret it.

Absolutely don't go. I live in London and feel similarly to you. Is a 2nd home for weekends even slightly possible? (Although I think this is ethically extremely dodgy it might be the only way to make you both happy)

You could rent out your house for a year and rent a new place outside London. See if you both like it.

Your reasons are why I won’t budge. Although dh is happy here so not on the cards.

I really think you are right to value what you have.

Depends how old the kids are. If young enough to benefit from not being in London I'd probably do it. But if like mine they're on the cusp of secondary or secondary aged it's giving them the worst of both worlds imo.

Don't leave. You will always resent him for forcing you if you go now.

Maybe in the future you'll find somewhere you both agree on. But until then, stay put.

I do think it's important to never say never though. Things may change.

Neither of you is unreasonable. You simply want different things.

However, for you to get to ‘insist’ he stays in London in grossly unfair. In just the same way he would be unfair to insist you move

Surely if you are staying within committing distance of London you are still in easy access distance for most of the things you named too?

Do not buy a second home. Contributing to shafting the local population of a rural environment is not an ethical answer to your first world problem.

Staying does seem a sensible option when one of you feels like this but if you did want to give it a try one option could be renting whilst letting out your current home. That way if it doesn't work out you have somewhere to return to.

Your current set up sounds really nice. Would you both have to move jobs too? Hell of an ask for 'a change of scenery'.

Why not take more weekends away? It'd be cheaper!

Ah we left London a year ago and I really felt Undecided about it but I’m so happy now and wouldn’t look back. But I do go back, frequently, for work, theatre, etc. I wouldn’t stay in London due to potential work/education chances for kids either. They quite often decide to move to another city for university anyway, and if they want to set up home in London, that’s fine and you’re not far away. But if you don’t want to go, don’t get bullied into it. Over the last year I’ve noticed our new town getting more and more diverse - we were pretty much the only black family when we moved but now we see plenty - all moving out from London. Initially I hadn’t want to move because we had a lovely community in London, but being London, a lot of those friends move away. Our community here is much more stable and it really didn’t take long to get resettled.

DH is just adamant that he wants to try something different after 18 months of being largely confined to the same area. He wants a bigger house so family can stay more often and thinks the DC will have an idyllic childhood if we move somewhere that is surrounded by countryside so they can roam free. He grew up in the countryside and that was his experience - he wants to give that same childhood to the DC.

We need to be nearish to London as we will both be expected back at the office for at least 3-4 days a week in the not too distant future. That still gives us a very wide search area but there’s nowhere we’ve visited that I’ve preferred to London.

I’m also very reluctant to risk new neighbours when our current ones are so lovely and quiet!

I felt the same as you, my DH felt the same as your DH.
We argued about it for years.
Then when it was get reasonably serious (eldest getting reasonably close to secondary school age) he spoke to a close friend who had done it. 'It's shit'.

DH had a change of heart - we moved a bit further out to zone 3. It's bliss, we are really happy. We have made some lovely friends

What happens if he doesn’t accept your insistence and says you can stay if you want to but he’s going regardless?

I’d stay, I live in London and I can’t imagine ever leaving, when I married my husband he was well aware that I’m already living in my forever home and I wouldn’t consider moving.

I personally would only move to a locatio /property you both love.

Don't do it. We did. Lovely house. All the idyliic criteria ticked off. I'm beyond bored and lonely half the time. I like where we live but I find the isolation or at least my propensity to isolate very hard. It has really affected my mental health badly.

I wouldn't do it, and I don't think his reasons sound compelling.

At a pinch, and if the DC are not in school yet, I might try it for a year, renting, on the clear understanding that if I hadn't changed my mind at the end of the year we would move back.

@Charmtaste has the right idea - rent/rent out and try it for a year, especially if your DCs are young enough that it won’t cause issues around school applications, etc. Then decide.

We made the move out of London a few years ago. DH was insistent. I was torn. Very torn. Could completely see his reasoning but also had concerns about leaving my friendship/support circles and going for a longer, more expensive commute. My compromise suggestion of moving a little further out to where we could afford a house was completely dismissed.

I was right to have the concerns I had. We have a lovely house and some aspects of our quality of life are way better. But we spent a stupid amount on the commute pre-Covid, and it costs a stupid amount of time (all right for DH who mostly WFH, less ok for me).

I have really struggled to settle here. It’s a nice town, nice area, good schools, lots of stuff for kids. But I just haven’t connected with it. Don’t feel I’ve put down roots here at all. I’ve really struggled to make friends. I do have a few, and we have lovely neighbours. But it is really hard to make friends - lots of the school mums seem to have grown up here and already have their social circles, etc. So I was right to have reservations and the downsides of the move have affected me far more than DH.

Don't do it. We did. Lovely house. All the idyliic criteria ticked off. I'm beyond bored and lonely half the time.

I worry about loneliness - I enjoy being surrounded by people. It’s so easy to meet like-minded people and make friends in London!

Are from London OP?
The trouble is nowhere will be the same as London - it's the capital city, with all the advantages & disadvantages that brings.
When you have been visiting other areas, have you tried to see any advantages? Or just the disadvantages that it's not the same.
Can you not see your DH point of view? His childhood experience is not growing up in a major city - & he clearly doesn't want that for your DC.
Neither of you is being unreasonable, you just have different priorities.

I’d be reluctant to sell. I think if my kids were at an appropriate age, I might consider renting a place in a commuter town (and letting out house in London). Depends on age of kid though. I think one of you would get resentful if you spent all your time in 1 place - so maybe I would consider planning for: spending a few years in commuter place then moving back. That way it’s fairer and you can fully assess the impact.