AIBU to insist we stay in London?

[londonlass33]

DH wants to leave London and I desperately don’t. We’ve visited numerous places in the south-east where we could viably live (due to commuting distance mainly) to house hunt and I’ve just not felt at home anywhere.

For me London has it all - culture, diversity, fabulous parks, restaurants, excellent public transport, nightlife, sports and myriad educational and job opportunities for the DC when they get older. Nowhere we’ve visited has come even close to my mind.

We also live in a lovely quiet street with a wonderful sense of community and are good friends with our fabulous neighbours. We have many friends in the area through the DC’s nursery too.

DH is adamant he wants to leave as whilst he acknowledges all of the above, he’s got his heart set on a change of scenery after the last 18 months. I’m very reluctant to give it a go for the aforementioned reasons and because it will be nigh on impossible to come back if we leave and regret it.

WWYD?

@MarshaBradyo

We’ve been in SE London for 18 years and it has changed - but I like it better actually. We did the areas that were ‘up and coming’

Re why would you stay after 20s - sounds a bit closed minded. I mean I get why other people enjoy where they live even if it’s not what I choose

We have completely opposing views on the Covid threads, but I agree with you on here.

When it comes to where to live and preferences. To each their own. Obviously some people want family ties and to stay close to their local communities (Londoners, as much as people from Cornwall or the Lakes), but others have different priorities. Some people love city life, others hate it. And it's not always where someone was born that decides their preference. Different strokes for different folks.

He grew up in the countryside and that was his experience - he wants to give that same childhood to the DC.

You may find long term he would be as miserable staying in london as you would leaving it.

I lived in London for 10 years. We had a fabulous life there for all the reasons you said. I grew up in the countryside, and moved back there to start a family (still working in London and there loads). I don't regret it for a second, it's far nicer having the space with our family and when its what you've grown up with, a london childhood seems like hard work.

DH grew up in the country not far from a near city.

None of his friends lived near, they needed mom and dad to drive them to school, too dangerous or long to walk, buses once a day. No local shop. The banking bus was cut so no money unless you drove to the city. You have to be more organized in terms of daily requirements because running out of milk at 10pm and the nearest shop is shut is annoying.

Things like A&E are no longer a short trip. Every journey requires planning. Kids picked up as the activity finishes so can’t hang out with friends. What happens if they miss the school bus?

Can’t just be spontaneous and meet friends for coffee as it’s not worth the drive, supermarket trips add 1/2 hour trip each way.

It many food deliveries so again unlikely.

Most of the small independent shops close ‘on time’ so no lazy ice cream after school as it’s shut.

This list is endless, you’ll miss the convenience of having amenities on your doorstep, and so will the kids.

It’s so easy to meet like-minded people and make friends in London!

Is it? I've found it much much easier to make really good friends living in the countryside than I ever did in london.

I lived in London for 30+ years after university and then we moved to a small city a couple of years ago. I am really happy where I am but I still miss London – a piece of my heart will always be there. I think I would move back if I could have the house and lifestyle I have where I am now, but that would mean earning a LOT more money and having a massive mortgage! Where we are now we live mortgage free on a very, very modest income. Swings and roundabouts...

I am not sure this is much help!

@londonlass33

DH is just adamant that he wants to try something different after 18 months of being largely confined to the same area. He wants a bigger house so family can stay more often and thinks the DC will have an idyllic childhood if we move somewhere that is surrounded by countryside so they can roam free. He grew up in the countryside and that was his experience - he wants to give that same childhood to the DC.

We need to be nearish to London as we will both be expected back at the office for at least 3-4 days a week in the not too distant future. That still gives us a very wide search area but there’s nowhere we’ve visited that I’ve preferred to London.

I’m also very reluctant to risk new neighbours when our current ones are so lovely and quiet!

"DC will have an idyllic childhood if we move somewhere that is surrounded by countryside so they can roam free."

Talk about rose-tinted glasses! Roam free? As in, wander aimlessly bored out of their skull because there's nowhere to roam to? What he experienced THEN is not what your children will experience NOW. Will he really be happy to let them wander unsupervised on roads without pavements? Maybe narrow roads with blind bends and no pavements? Or being ticked off by farmers for cutting across their fields?

Public transport is notoriously bad outside of cities - who's going to be the family taxi? Because the children will have to be ferried about, to school, to friends, to hobbies, so is HE going to be the taxi?

And as for "a bigger house so family can stay more often" - how likely is that to actually happen? Be honest. Even if you've got family saying they'd love to visit, it's an easy thing to say when it's not on the cards. And just as easy to find excuses when it is possible, because actually you can't be bothered with the disruption of packing and driving long distances. And from your end - who's going to be doing the work of hosting? The extra cleaning, the extra laundry, the extra cooking and hosting? Is he going to be making those beds, stripping them once they've left, cooking the dinners and the breakfasts?

It sounds to me as is he hasn't really thought it through. It sounds as if where you are suits you really well, so I personally would be as equally adamant as he is that there needs to be much better reasons to move, because these ones just don't stand up to examination.

Like TedMullins I was raised in a rural market town and will second that for a teenager it is mind-numbingly boring and limiting. I actually did used to “free roam” with a friend in local woodland after school sometimes, which was indeed quite fun (when it wasn’t cancelled due to being cold, raining, dark or the school holidays). It did not in any way cancel out the missed opportunities to live in a diverse and open-minded community, attend gigs, shows, museums etc, have access to city scale versions of shopping centres, libraries, leisure and sports facilities and so on. I left for a bigger city ASAP and would never return to live in the countryside where I felt so trapped and exiled in a backwater. I imagine that access to social media and the internet would magnify teenage FOMO, not erase it. Life in primary school was better but involved zero interaction with the countryside other than the odd family walk (as I was too young to roam) and long drives to get anywhere for food shopping, play dates etc.

I grew up in the countryside and was miserable- was always a city person inside, hated the narrow minded people and bugger all opportunity to meet any likeminded friends.

Until I was 8 we lived in a 'village' one side of a town (it was virtually part of the town really) but things got worse when I was 8 and we moved to another viillage. I was looking forward to a new start and a move would've been ok if it hadn't been to that place. I would cry myself to sleep because none of the other children liked me.

Nothing happening, lonely and isolated (of course it was worse then as there wasn't the internet.) at 13 I developed depression, eating disorder symptoms etc because I had no friends.

Countryside is ok for a day out if you like that sort of thing. All of its advantages can be met by a day trip or less.

Don't go if you don't want @londonlass33 - there's no reason why your DH's opinion should take precedence over yours. Your DC are settled and you have people around you.

Pollution schmullution BTW. Better than teen suicide (twice as common in rural areas) or lifelong mental health problems such as my severe disability which has left me unable to work for life.

I even ran a faceboook group a while back 'I used to live in {...} but I escaped alive.'

As others have said, maybe give it a try.

He'll resent you if you don't. Similarly, if you actually do move, you'll resent him .

You really need to explore the issue.

The person I know who is happy having moved to the country also has a flat in London.So - rather lovely to have a foot in both camps ( but expensive )

The Enid Blyton idyll of fields and tennis courts is lovely. IME teenagers and graduates love London because they can get around easily , meet their friends & often job opportunities are better.

I went through the looking at houses in the country phase - all looked lovely but I gave up when I realised you had to get into the car to go anywhere rather than walk.

Horses for Courses - Many would not like my house / lifestyle. & Good on them.

I would stay. I would be reluctant to leave anywhere that I lived in lovely quiet street with a wonderful sense of community and are good friends with our fabulous neighbours That is golden - even without all the wonder of London. Stay where you are.

Left 15 years ago. Returned recently and sooooo glad to be home.
In short, was awful.

BIL was like this. SIL has missed London every day for 9 years; hated the commute, the lack of diversity, that everything requires a car.

I would insist he waits until you have been back in the office for 6 months and reassess. Its easy to see the appeal of moving now as all the downsides of London are there, but due to covid nonsense,you've missed all the upsides for 18 months.

Enid Blyton lived in the London suburbs!

I grew up in the countryside and hated it! I moved to London at 18 and have never left. Over the years my husband has suggested the move to the country many times. My answer has always been no as I would hate living in the country more than he hates London. My kids both grew up having a wonderful time in London and if you make the effort there are so many parks, commons, galleries and interesting things to do. Now my children have both finished uni and just moved out I thought my husband would start asking about the country again but luckily he hasn't. Now I won't move because I have the time to do all the wonderful things available in London, even if it is just walking by the river looking at the views. All my friends live locally, I have known most of my neighbours for years and I can walk to buy a pint of milk at midnight. Do what makes you happy.

@superram

I will never leave London. Don’t go-you will regret it.

Agree. I did leave and I do regret it. If you like it there, and you obviously do, you won’t find anywhere the same and you will always have that knowledge of what you are missing. A bigger house doesn’t make up for everything.

I think if he’s desperate to do it you need to consider it properly. Your reasons don’t sound completely clear to me- you can still commute in to London for most of the stuff you mention if you are within an hour. Places outside London have parks/ cafe culture. And your neighbours could move any time so that’s not a reason to stay (plus thankfully nightmare neighbours are few and far between, despite what you see on MN). I’d agree with looking at smaller towns rather than villages and also maybe renting if you can for a couple of years. But don’t just dismiss the idea.

If you're both going to be commuting 3-4 days a week to London, don't do it. Every work place has people trying to avoid coming back to the office when they realise that the estate agents promise of an hour from London is two hours when you count the trip on both sides and waiting for trains.

Also if you're both out of the house most days, your children will be in after-school or holiday camps same as they are in London - not roaming some idyllic countryside.

Moving to the countryside is lovely if you both want it and will be based there, not needing to be in London so frequently.

Follow your heart.

I live in the countryside. These days, children do not "roam free" Famous Five style unless they are teenagers looking for a quiet spot to neck some vodka.

Maybe you just need a bigger garden? They can "roam free" in that.

Rent your place out for a year and see what it's like for him to fulfil his rural fantasy.
Might not live up to his expectations.

Covid 18 mths had skewered his perception. Now employers want employees back in, 2 or 3 days a week seems the norm. You say 3-4. Give it another 12 months of him commuting again and this whole dream may have faded away.

Don't do it. I moved not from London but from a major world city abroad. We live I. A ruralish location in a home county. It's boring as hell I hate it. You can't get food deliveries from anything interesting, you have to drive everywhere, it's hard to make friends and everyone I do meet has lived here forever. I wish we had gone to London but my kids are happy so I'm sucking it up. Stay there.