Regret having children?

[PumpkinKlNG]

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

@Isthisit22

This thread is so sad. People are wasting their lives regretting something they can't change.

Can't imagine regretting my children. They bring me so much love everyday. Watching them find happiness in the smallest things makes me appreciate life. They are so innocent, curious and joyful. I must be lucky. Yes they can be annoying and I do worry for them (and didn't sleep for years) but I cannot relate at all to the idea of regretting them. Very sad.

Trust me, your post does not help women who feel this way. In fact, you’re likely to make others feel quite inadequate. Not everyone is in the same circumstance as you. Not everyone feels the same as you. Is that so hard to understand??

@ClareBlue @Holskey - many parents do though - modern day parenting has become much more helicopter then it used to.

Nowadays children occupying themselves is considered child abuse, at least by many posters on MN. It's crazy.

One lady on a thread the other day was judging parents for checking their phones in a coffee shop when out with DC and not showing them attention?

It's like nowadays your whole life has to disappear and therefore that makes you a great parent (or at least stops judgement from others and parents seem particularly sensitive to judgement these days).

And by the way Isthisit many don’t regret their actual children. They regret having to be a parent.
I said upthread that I love my DS but I do not love being a mum.

I commend every woman living with the regret - getting by day by day trying to hold/keep it together to give their dc some semblance of a happy childhood.

In order to empathise with someone's experience you must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how you imagine their experience to be. For the latter just completely invalidates them.

I regret having children for many reasons. The physical and mental toll on my body for starters. I love my children, they are great and at the time I did want them but more so I wanted that acceptance that I was doing the right thing by conforming to societal expectations of married, 2.2 kids etc.

I tell my kids all the time how much I love them and I think I do a better job of parenting them than my own mother did on me BUT I also tell them not to bend to what is perceived to be the norm if it doesn't feel right for them. I have told them that having kids is hard, to my daughter I've explained all the potentials of what can go wrong. I don't give a flying fuck if I'm judged on that but I hate this pretence that everything is fucking rainbows and unicorns just so that we're all in the same boat to justify someone else's life choices.

They can make their own mind up if they want children but they will know both sides of the story and their decision will be a well informed one, not a fucking fairy story.

[quote ttcissoboring]**@ClareBlue* @Holskey* - many parents do though - modern day parenting has become much more helicopter then it used to.

Nowadays children occupying themselves is considered child abuse, at least by many posters on MN. It's crazy.

One lady on a thread the other day was judging parents for checking their phones in a coffee shop when out with DC and not showing them attention?

It's like nowadays your whole life has to disappear and therefore that makes you a great parent (or at least stops judgement from others and parents seem particularly sensitive to judgement these days).

[/quote]
Ah okay, I see what you're saying. Yes, there's a lot of pressure. Your earlier post seemed to imply you can avoid running around after your children and that they can fit in with your life. That's not possible much of the time, mostly due to children's needs and for the sake of their well-being. The judging makes life more difficult, but parenting is at times relentless anyway. Just making sure a toddler doesn't kill themselves is extremely tiring!

People have been very honest on this thread and that's a big and welcome change, I've been on MN for 15 years and responses used to be very different. It must be a huge relief to be able to say this in a safe space and not get annihilated for being honest.

The only thing that puzzles me is people saying that parents lie to them about the reality of having kids?

I heard ONLY how exhausting, relentless, physically painful and arduous, thankless and mundane having a baby would be. And I told my friends the same! Countered with 'but you love them more than you can ever imagine loving another human' (my experience I realise now, not everyone's).

I wonder if people only hear and see what they want to and disregard the negatives. And if anyone is going by bloody insta posts esp by celebs or influencers, then for the love of God you've only got yourselves to blame!

I agree six people talk about how terrible parenting is constantly so I don't understand the posts saying its idealised and no-one tells you about the bad stuff. If MN is anything to go by, regret is common; I've seen loads of these threads over the yrs.

The only thing that puzzles me is people saying that parents lie to them about the reality of having kids?I heard ONLY how exhausting, relentless, physically painful and arduous, thankless and mundane having a baby would be. And I told my friends the same!

This. My reality was nowhere near as bad as the utter shit show I was warned to expect!

I could never say in real life what I’ve said here, people flame you for it and my ex friends man said I was selfish for not wanting another kid when the actual reason for his statement is that my friend and her partner had a kid same age as mine, and she had health issues and they had sex for 10 years without contraception and she didn’t fall pregnant and so they thought she couldn’t have any more, until one day she fell pregnant and they are 100% against abortion so had their second kid but were mighty pissed off about it and I think they just wanted me in the same boat as them, more than one kid I didn’t want, they do say misery loves company. Their eldest is 18.5 now and the other is 7 and they thought all that child rearing stuff was over!

agree with those who experienced the opposite. right from pregnancy people started with the birth horror stories, then it was sleep deprivation horror stories, i was gleefully told "you won't ever have time to do youor makeup/blow dry your hair again", etc. every day some influencer is showing off a selfie of stretch marks or talking about how tough it is. if one of them shows a picture looking alright they're slammed for not showing 'the reality.' and this is coming from someone whose babies were colicky and didn't sleep over an hour at a time til 6 months so not blessed with an easy time.

I think that kind of thing is trumpeted like some sort of badge of honour.
Taking 4 hours to get a toddler to sleep, arranging play dates, worrying about the contents of a toddler's lunch box.
It's the same as "ooh, it's wine o'clock".

Be interested to know how many parents of adult children feel regret. Or whether it’s those in the thick of parenting small kids

I expect it is when they are in the thick of it or have other difficulties.

Dozingdoughnut

So true. 6 months in if you'd asked me at 4am I probably would have happily swapped DD for a badly trained dog!

For most people the picture is very different a few years in when you are getting more sleep etc.

@HateJudgmentalPeople

I could never say in real life what I’ve said here, people flame you for it and my ex friends man said I was selfish for not wanting another kid when the actual reason for his statement is that my friend and her partner had a kid same age as mine, and she had health issues and they had sex for 10 years without contraception and she didn’t fall pregnant and so they thought she couldn’t have any more, until one day she fell pregnant and they are 100% against abortion so had their second kid but were mighty pissed off about it and I think they just wanted me in the same boat as them, more than one kid I didn’t want, they do say misery loves company. Their eldest is 18.5 now and the other is 7 and they thought all that child rearing stuff was over!

That poor poor 7 year old.

It would be hard for the parents attitude not to show.

I don't regret it for a minute. I had the best day today with my 5 year old, we went shopping, had coffee/milkshake, and she is just the coolest little person. Our personalities vibe hard though. My 3 year old as well is the funniest little guy... I don't know, watching them learn and try and succeed at stuff just gives meaning to my life, but then I'm not one to have ever previously found fulfilment with career or possessions.

My friend has a kid a similar sort of age and although it's never been said I can see that my friend struggles to bond with the kid- they have really polar opposite personalities- child is the kind of personality that grows on you a bit- clever but also very active, impulsive, opinionated, and spirited (yup), and my friend is bit of a perfectionist and holds themselves to a high standard- the personality v misbehaving child is a bad mix, and you can see how the child both simultaneously leans towards the other parent/excludes my friend AND misbehaves in order to get attention from my friend. I sense a brewing teenage shitstorm with that one.

The younger child is an easier, more genial personality and people just like her immediately. you can see how my friend just finds that relationship so much easier because it's what she expected a child to be like.

@SecretSpAD

Many years ago when I first started working as a GP I had a patient come in for a consultation because she hated being a parent, felt nothing for her children and was depressed at the thought of that just being her life forever more. She made an appt with me because people kept telling her she had PND and she'd feel better when they were older. But she didn't. She felt worse and more trapped each year. When she rang to make the appt she specifically asked for a GP who didn't have children because she was fed up with being told that it would get better etc. Or not believe her when she said she didn't love or even like her children, just resented them for ruining her life.

I arranged for counselling for her and the last I heard she had walked away from her husband and children and moved to another part of the country. I often wonder how she is and whether she found the peace she was looking for.

That’s so sad. I hope she found happiness. No doubt many have condemned her.

@DozingDoughnut

Be interested to know how many parents of adult children feel regret. Or whether it’s those in the thick of parenting small kids

Mine range from 44 to 39 and I regret having them. I really enjoyed being a mother when they were little (even though I didn’t really want to have kids - my husband persuaded me). I found parenting stroppy adolescents hard though and two out of three have grown into self-entitled adults who have no interest in their parents lives unless they want something.

I think people are honest about how hard it is... But it falls on deaf ears when you don't have kids.

Having kids is very tough and not for everyone. I was one of those on the fence people but can honestly say I love it. Babies are very hard though... We could have used more support.

I agree with a pp that said, time, money, a good network and NT/easy kids make all the difference.

First of all, I’m not a parent. Just a fur baby mama. (Go ahead, ask why I’m here… I just like chatting with people, even if their lifestyles differ from mine.)

Second of all, my sister has four kids. She had them all two years apart. So, um, needless to say— very chaotic! They all have behavioral issues and learning struggles. I pride myself on being a good auntie. Meanwhile, my husband and I have none. It allows us some luxuries. Disposable income, more freedom (walk around the house naked, sleep in until noon, swear up a storm if we feel like it, skip dinner if we want, etc.), lots of travel, more ability to focus on his career/my businesses, being able to go out on a date night whenever we want. My sister has confessed to me in moments of weakness that she wishes she hadn’t had so many kids or maybe even had kids at all. I think that’s normal. I’m sure you get frustrated. Wish for a little more freedom. When you have kids, they come first. And I’m sure it can get tiring feeling like second fiddle in your own life, right? I think that’s only natural. I don’t know why we lambast parents for being honest about it. All that does is make people feel guilty and more isolated and like they have to hold that feeling in.

Touching on OP’s remark about the parents not saying it to the child, my mother has actually told me she wishes she hadn’t had kids and that my husband and I are smart for not having done so. That seems harsh, but I understood where she was coming from. She had my sister in high school and me five years later. My sister’s dad bolted, my dad was barely present, and my stepdad was an abusive alcoholic. Plus she has severe bipolar disorder. She’s also generally skeptical of the sort of world kids are being born into. So I know she loves us, but there’s also regret there too.

No matter what in life, when you pick a path that means you’re not going down a different path. There’s always going to be some regret or what if. Sometimes when my friends are chatting about their kids first day of school I feel some regret too. That’s totally normal and doesn’t mean I’m not happy, just like parents sometimes regretting doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids. We’re all just human.

Yes. Some days more than others.

I have a SEN kid, single mother, actual lone parent with no family support and DCs dad nowhere to be seen.

I’ve lost myself for this whiny difficult teen who CAMHS keep flip flopping on whether they can help, ignore me when I point out it’s adhd just like DCs father has so misdiagnosis means DC doesn’t have the right treatment.

I don’t feel like me. I wanted another child and couldn’t because I’d be stupid to bring another kid into this life. I’ve never experienced joint parenting. A decent relationship (DC has made dating difficult with behaviour and neediness beyond what’s normal and sabotages everything) my family relationships have been under a magnifying glass at just how much they dislike me.

When DCs dad left me when pregnant I didn’t want to be a single mother. I considered adoption but was talked out of it. But with hindsight think it might have been best for DC as ‘professionals’ wouldn’t have sneered and blamed me for DCs behaviour, correctly diagnosed the ADHD alongside the known chromosome deletion (that’s actually been ignored ffs) and DC wouldn’t have the high anxiety and depression that comes with untreated ADHD.

It’s really put into stark contrast just how poorly single mothers are looked upon and treated still and it enrages me.

My life would’ve been so different if I wasn’t judged so poorly.

@HateJudgmentalPeople

I honestly think women shouldn’t have kids until they are 35,

I had my first at 26 though. Why should I wait nearly 10 more years? I only sent mine to nursery age 3 for 3 hours a day to prepare them for school. No one had mine all weekend. Odd nights at my mums or sister. They only went because they enjoy being with them. They didn't have to go.

[quote RevolvingPivot]@HateJudgmentalPeople

I honestly think women shouldn’t have kids until they are 35,

I had my first at 26 though. Why should I wait nearly 10 more years? I only sent mine to nursery age 3 for 3 hours a day to prepare them for school. No one had mine all weekend. Odd nights at my mums or sister. They only went because they enjoy being with them. They didn't have to go.
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Okay maybe not 35 for all women but I had mines at 21 and that’s far too young for this century, 21 is just like an elder teen really, you haven’t lived, your 20s is the time for learning to be had and then the 30s should be the grown up years it’s different for everyone.

My daughter went to my mums once a month for weekend when she was aged 1 to 3 and then it was every 2nd weekend, her father was absent though and dumped me the day my waters broke!

I don’t regret having children. What would have been and still would be nice is the ability to tweak a few things. It would have been nice to have my own mother in my life when raising mine. To have not spent so many years firing on all cylinders to be a better parent (and not let history repeat itself) to them reach absolute burn out. A bit of family support and a husband that doesn’t work all hours under the sun. Children that switch off....
I’m sure that most parents would have hit that button at least once since having children.

I found this thread interesting and appreciate the honesty and range of experiences.