Page 13 | Regret having children?

PumpkinKlNG · 2021-08-15T18:15:55+00:00

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

Comedycook · 01/09/2021 16:10

I have been brutally honest with my friends about how horrendous it is having (young) children. I have discussed how exhausting it is, how expensive it is, how much you have to give up....They have all gone on to have kids. My friend recently had a baby and text me "I really thought you were just joking about how bad it is

I am also honest with my friends who don't have children and I can tell they don't believe me! You just will never understand until you have them

IceLace100 · 01/09/2021 16:37

[quote mugcupwhatever]@IceLace100 I think you have a really good point there. The society in UK doesnt do much to help families. The fairly recent 30 hr free childcare barely scratches the surface when it comes to helping working parents. It really is time to put pressure on our politicians for a better work/life balance which of course includes family life..[/quote]
I totally agree.

In some instances it may not be the kids themselves, it at just be the circumstances around raising children.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 01/09/2021 16:42

I can understand this. I am very grateful the kids are going back to school soon. I love them dearly but I do need some rest-bite from the relentlessness of trying to entertain them and work. I am at this moment thoroughly sick of hearing “mummy” “mummy” “mummy” every ten minutes.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 01/09/2021 16:48

I don’t like when people have on their Facebook bio “I live for my kids”, it’s a ridiculous statement and it’s like saying if you didn’t have kids then you just wouldn’t live?! Or “my kids are my world”, my DD isn’t my world, I love her more than anyone in the world but she isn’t my world, I do have a life.

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 01/09/2021 16:51

Covid hasn’t helped. It’s felt like a very long two years

Comedycook · 01/09/2021 16:53

I do have a life

Do you?! I don't and mine are 10/13

VulvaTeeth · 01/09/2021 17:16

@HateJudgmentalPeople

I don’t like when people have on their Facebook bio “I live for my kids”, it’s a ridiculous statement and it’s like saying if you didn’t have kids then you just wouldn’t live?! Or “my kids are my world”, my DD isn’t my world, I love her more than anyone in the world but she isn’t my world, I do have a life.

Same. I love them more than anything but, while they may be the best thing in my life, they are not the only thing in my life. I have a husband I adore. I have friends. I have a job that I enjoy and have the satisfaction of knowing I'm really bloody good at. I have coming home and complaining regardless about said job to said husband. I have books to read and films to watch and news to swear at and music to listen to. I have my mum phoning to tell all sorts of random, bewildering, lovely shite. I have a massive complicated, bloody annoying extended family who may not be a "good thing" but are certainly interesting.

This sounds incredibly corny. I am not an especially cheerful person, but I am a content one. Children aren't life affirming, they're people in their own right and most people who have them to fill a gap are, I think, going to be disappointed.

iloveeverykindofcat · 01/09/2021 17:53

@HateJudgmentalPeople

I don’t like when people have on their Facebook bio “I live for my kids”, it’s a ridiculous statement and it’s like saying if you didn’t have kids then you just wouldn’t live?! Or “my kids are my world”, my DD isn’t my world, I love her more than anyone in the world but she isn’t my world, I do have a life.

When I see posts like that I always assume its a bit of the lady doth protest too much. Like when people make it a big point to declare or post 'I LOVE MY KIDS'. Well...yes, I would both assume and hope so.

Tavelo · 01/09/2021 18:23

I imagine a lot of people do regret it whether they say so or not. These days being childfree is morw of an option so parents are more reminded of how things would be if they hadn't had them.
I haven't had any yet and am still undecided (29). I can imagine myself parenting a baby, or a child age 9+, but for some reason the idea of parenting a child aged 2 to 8 horrifies me :') I think it'd be too much like hard work.

Elkey · 01/09/2021 18:29

I actually do live for my boy at the moment, but then he's only 14 months. And I had him quite late, via IVF, after years of infertility. And I'm very lucky financially, loving partner and family etc., no childcare problems. Circumstances have a lot to do with all of this, as PPs said. I don't have Facebook or similar though.

CounsellorTroi · 01/09/2021 19:55

I imagine a lot of people do regret it whether they say so or not. These days being childfree is morw of an option so parents are more reminded of how things would be if they hadn't had them.

Yes, in the past people who had no children were pitied or thought a bit odd. It’s seen more as a valid choice now.

Plumtree391 · 01/09/2021 20:11

@Elkey

I actually do live for my boy at the moment, but then he's only 14 months. And I had him quite late, via IVF, after years of infertility. And I'm very lucky financially, loving partner and family etc., no childcare problems. Circumstances have a lot to do with all of this, as PPs said. I don't have Facebook or similar though.

Aw bless, it's quite natural to feel like that when he is so little. You'll have your days though, most people do.

XingMing · 01/09/2021 20:22

Excuse me for butting in, as I have only read the last 20 or 30 posts, but I am left with the impression that many PPs regret having children when they did, and I wonder if they were just a bit too young. I don't regret my one child at all, but he's now 22, and I am 65, so I was lucky to conceive, luckier to have a problem-free pregnancy and birth, and a basically normal child (no serious SEN/health issues) and to have been financially stable enough to navigate all the bits in between. |I know it's not always smooth but bringing a child into a world that you have made ready for a child you want is a whole lot better than just casually becoming pregnant.

ttcissoboring · 01/09/2021 21:12

@HateJudgmentalPeople

I don’t like when people have on their Facebook bio “I live for my kids”, it’s a ridiculous statement and it’s like saying if you didn’t have kids then you just wouldn’t live?! Or “my kids are my world”, my DD isn’t my world, I love her more than anyone in the world but she isn’t my world, I do have a life.

Agree with this, and also there is societal pressure nowadays where if you don't think like this - or at least pretend you do it's almost as though you're seen as a 'bad parent'

ttcissoboring · 01/09/2021 21:16

@IceLace100

I think part of the problem is the way society treats parents and mothers in particular.

Would women regret having kids if their careers didn't suffer, if childcare was free or heavily subsidised, if they didn't have the pressure of being "perfect mother" 24/7, if they didn't feel bad asking for help, if there was zero judgment at the school gate, if careers were genuinely family friendly, if they weren't judged for being single parents, and if they got genuinely equal input from fathers with childcare?

Agree but I also think people (parents) need to be tougher standing up to judgements and parenting the way they want to rather than how society/other people expect them to.

Parents put too much pressure on themselves to put their child's life before theirs and not have a life. Run around after DC with DC ruling everything. Back in the old days DC had to fit into parents life not the other way around.

Tubs11 · 01/09/2021 21:52

I was apprehensive about becoming a parent but adore mine. I feel like I had such low expectations and had convinced myself it would be extremely hard that when they came along it was actually easier than what I'd imagined. We also made sure our life didn't change too much and brought them with us, within reason of course. It also helps that my husband is a hands on dad.

Holskey · 01/09/2021 22:18

@ttcissoboring
Parents put too much pressure on themselves to put their child's life before theirs and not have a life. Run around after DC with DC ruling everything. Back in the old days DC had to fit into parents life not the other way around

Do you have children? This doesn't sound like something someone with children would say (unless it was someone who had children so long ago they'd forgotten what it was like!)

Isthisit22 · 01/09/2021 22:27

This thread is so sad. People are wasting their lives regretting something they can't change.

Can't imagine regretting my children. They bring me so much love everyday. Watching them find happiness in the smallest things makes me appreciate life. They are so innocent, curious and joyful. I must be lucky. Yes they can be annoying and I do worry for them (and didn't sleep for years) but I cannot relate at all to the idea of regretting them. Very sad.

Plumtree391 · 01/09/2021 22:27

We all do a fair bit of running around after and for our children (even when adult), they deserve that but they also have to fit into our lives, working patterns, etc.

Having kids is rewarding but everyone has times when they wistfully remember being childless and free. That's natural.

isthisouting · 01/09/2021 22:36

@Isthisit22

This thread is so sad. People are wasting their lives regretting something they can't change.

Can't imagine regretting my children. They bring me so much love everyday. Watching them find happiness in the smallest things makes me appreciate life. They are so innocent, curious and joyful. I must be lucky. Yes they can be annoying and I do worry for them (and didn't sleep for years) but I cannot relate at all to the idea of regretting them. Very sad.

Agree. I could never say I regret it! Best decision I ever made (and very nearly missed).

MorriseysGladioli · 01/09/2021 22:41

It's fine to all feel differently.
Mums aren't all some homogenous mass with the same feelings and thoughts.
The more it's spoken about, the more that will be accepted as within a normal range.

VulvaTeeth · 01/09/2021 22:50

Agree but I also think people (parents) need to be tougher standing up to judgements and parenting the way they want to rather than how society/other people expect them to.

Agreed. It's all very well complaining about societal pressure but plenty of people manage to ignore the mummy blogs and the #makingmemories and just get on with it. It's natural to wonder occasionally if you're doing right by your children but good God the endless hand wringing on here about food hobbies and parenting styles. People seem to imagine that the world's looking over their shoulder ready to tell them that Junior shouldn't be eating anything that isn't a hundred percent organic... But, for the most part, no one else gives a crap.

Plumtree391 · 01/09/2021 23:16

I 'get' that, Vulva. I'm eternally glad there was no Mumsnet (maybe no internet), when I had mine back in 1979. I had none of the struggles that so many seem to face on here and we got on fine, just muddling through.

ClareBlue · 01/09/2021 23:31

@HateJudgmentalPeople

I also never suffered with anxiety until I became a mother, there are too many things to worry about when your a mum and I think I would be in a mental hospital if I had any more, I hate that my daughter is 19 and can go out when she likes, come in when she likes, it’s so worrying and I do tend to think the worst, I need to stop watching true crime things as I get things in my head that may happen to my girl, it’s awful.

Yes, we definitely have irrational fears for our children. Mine are all adults but I felt stressed when one adult daughter was late communicating last week on an arranged time. It's weird because all rational thinking would say I was being unreasonable, but as a parent you genuinely can not stop. And then we have to think what we did to our parents...

ClareBlue · 01/09/2021 23:36

[quote Holskey]@ttcissoboring
Parents put too much pressure on themselves to put their child's life before theirs and not have a life. Run around after DC with DC ruling everything. Back in the old days DC had to fit into parents life not the other way around

Do you have children? This doesn't sound like something someone with children would say (unless it was someone who had children so long ago they'd forgotten what it was like!)[/quote]
Agree, there are plenty of things parents say but not really this, in these terms anyway.