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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Regret having children?

371 replies

PumpkinKlNG · 15/08/2021 19:15

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

OP posts:
SmokeyDevil · 01/09/2021 09:54

[quote ttcissoboring]@SmokeyDevil you are right. Women need to stop lying to themselves.

I also say women because we also need to accept we are the primary care giver and that not many of us are firm enough or able to (shit fathers) reject this role and demand things to be more equal.

So women suffers most of the time.[/quote]
Exactly. I have always said only go into having a child if you are absolutely fine with doing it all yourself, because it is NEVER a guarantee that you will have a supportive partner. That goes for men and women. If you want kids, be OK with doing it on your own or you're in for a shock and a hard time if you end up by yourself.

It sucks to have to think like that, but you cannot rely on other people all the time. They won't always be there and it's not guaranteed they will be. Complaining about it after is pointless really, it's not going to solve anything and you'll just have to crack on regardless.

FishfingerFlinger · 01/09/2021 10:00

I’m sure some people do go into it with a rose-tinted view, but I expect for many people it’s not knowing the hand you are going to be dealt.

I have been fortunate to have (so far!) fairly ‘easy’ DC but I was absolutely terrified of having children with additional needs as I didn’t think I would be able to cope. My second DC had neonatal meningitis and spent a fortnight in NICU and I really thought that was the point at which we’d been dealt a life-changing hand. It sounds terrible but I was almost more worried about him having life-long disabilities than I was about the risk of him dying.

Buddywoo · 01/09/2021 10:12

I was talking to my daughter about this the other day. She is an adult with a grown up daughter herself. She said she regrets having her child and also regrets having parents. She said she loves us and also her child but would be happier without any ties.

It took my breath away that she doesn't want us or her child just wants to be totally alone.

mugcupwhatever · 01/09/2021 10:18

Sorry.. Have to voice an unpopular opinion here.

Children are innocent in your regret or finding it hard. They don't get to choose their parents! You on the other hand have a choice whether to become a parent or not, and if you've decided to become one, it's extremely selfish ans self absorbed to declare you regret that choice.

Your children are your family members. Small humans who have only you to count on. There is meaning and responsibility and purpose in that. You might say that you would never tell your children you regret having them, but they feel it. They feel you resent them.

It's so wrong.. Life is never supposed to be a bed of roses, but everyone who has children is incredibly lucky to have a family to call your own. The love of those little people who will become big people one day and the extended network of friends and family and life in general that comes along with them as lives move on, is the stuff that builds communities, inspires novels, builds future.

The complaint that no one ever tells you hard it is? Yes they do if you listen! The sleepless nights, the tantrums, the worry about bullying and first heartaches.. It's all parents talk about. But most parents love their children like mad, and it would be completely incomprehensible for most that someone would regret having an actual human family member in the same way as someone would regret owning a dog or a cat.

It must be some sort failure of society to raise a generation so individualistic and hedonistic that they shun the responsibility of bringing up the next generation.

Phineyj · 01/09/2021 10:19

As I said upthread, we couldn't realistically have a second, but as it happened DD's SEN didn't really become apparent till age 3 or so and she wasn't diagnosed till 7. I doubt she'd be diagnosed now if I hadn't sought private help. She was a really easy baby too! I think she liked being a baby.

So I can totally see how people end up having 2 or even 3 children when maybe they should stop. Also,I don't have any stats, but I'm pretty sure DC with SEN is a major factor in marriage and relationship breakups, plus of course there's the stress of the school system. So I can see why the situation of a single mum with 2 SEN children seems quite common and regret seems quite reasonable -- re the situation if not the DC themselves.

Comedycook · 01/09/2021 10:23

@mugcupwhatever

I'm sure the vast majority of mums who regret having DC, are actually really good parents. If they were so awful and uncaring, they'd have walked away. You can love your children, do your absolute best by them yet still hate your life. I think also parenting is much more intensive now. My DC are 10/13...it's the school holidays, I haven't had a seconds break from them. They don't go out, meet friends and play outside like kids used to. It's all on me. Plus we've been in lockdown and thanks to that and endless isolations, they don't ever seem to be in school.

Phineyj · 01/09/2021 10:26

However, as the step dad poster said at the beginning of the thread, a lot of people don't actually have that 'extended network of friends and family'. It's not uncommon in the SEN community for mums to be entirely alone. The dad scarpers as soon as it's evident the DC are going to be difficult and extended family don't want to know. My extended family are nice enough and my DH is around. Do family want to help with or even acknowledge SEN? Err noooo. They can't change the topic fast enough!!

It's important that people in those situations have someone to talk to (even if it's strangers on here) or really bad stuff can happen Sad

Jmaho · 01/09/2021 10:27

I have four children. All planned. All paid for. Our day to day life would be so so much simpler if we didn't have them. But that's as far as it goes. Cheesy as hell but they are our world. No regrets at all. I do however find it overwhelming at time but not the parenting side so much just the day to day running of the house and fitting in work. There is very little me time or us time as a couple but we've been together for 25 years now from an early age and pretty much do everything together so as long as we get an hour or so of an evening together that's enough for now. We know this side of things will get easier as they get older
It's this time of year I find difficult. Sorting childcare out for the long summer break, the annual family holiday (lovely and we are lucky to have one but takes so much organising) and the back to school chaos. Getting them all to where they need to be on time. My work have just asked for holiday requests for next year and I'm sat with 2 schools term dates letters trying to figure out how we can cover it all. No parental or family help. My eldest won't go to holiday club now and my other son hates it so much but is bored at home when we have to work. These are the things I find difficult but again no regrets. We chose this life and the rewards far outweigh the stress

Phineyj · 01/09/2021 10:29

I agree Jmaho that the admin side of parenting is greatly underrated. Respect for doing it x4!

mugcupwhatever · 01/09/2021 10:30

@Comedycook I didn't mean that mums who regret having DC are bad mums, but I do find it hard to understand the notion of regretting an actual human being.
Yes, lockdown was hard, and parenting has been very very hard for many during the pandemic. But I think those are two different things. Understanding, sharing and being allowed to voice how hard something is, and then regretting the child being in this world.
You would hope for the child's sake that they would never sense the regret in their parents.

Comedycook · 01/09/2021 10:36

There's just so many variables which make your experience what it is. I know a woman whose mum looks after her child every day. The parents go on childfree holidays and have plenty of money. Their child is a well behaved, healthy, nt child. Easy peasy. Conversely I know women living in overcrowded housing with children with sn and no money or support. Their experiences of motherhood are chalk and cheese

goinggently · 01/09/2021 10:38

I am pregnant (planned) and I am so scared I will feel like this! Confused

Kendodd · 01/09/2021 10:39

It must be some sort failure of society to raise a generation so individualistic and hedonistic that they shun the responsibility of bringing up the next generation.

What does that even mean?
shun the responsibility of bringing up the next generation
Are you saying people aren't looking after the children they have?
I see no evidence of that on the thread.
Or are you implying it's bad and selfish not to have children in the first place?
If that's the case I would argue the very opposite.
Choosing not to have children is good for the planet. A child never born can't suffer.
Also I would say the much more selfish opinion is to have children. You are then bringing another person into the world solely for your own gratification. No other reason, just for your own selfish wants.

I applaud people choosing not to have children, they are much less selfish than me, I say that as a mum of three.

mugcupwhatever · 01/09/2021 10:48

@Comedycook for sure! Everyone has different circumstances. I have been the one in an overcrowded mouse-infested inner London flat with SEN toddler and a baby. In much better circumstance now, but still no family help whatsoever and never been on a grown-ups night away with DH, let alone a holiday!
Times have been hard, and still are sometimes in many ways and just like anyone I love to vent sometimes, but regret is obviously much deeper and therefore very hurtful to the child in question. Its a wish they'd never been born.

mugcupwhatever · 01/09/2021 10:52

@Kendodd Obviously I mean the ones who choose parenthood and then say they regret it because how hard it is.
I agree with you that it is better not to become a parent if you're not sure it is for you. You can't hurt a child who hasn't been born.

CounsellorTroi · 01/09/2021 10:52

I don’t think regretting your decision to have children is the same as wishing your actual child had never been born.

LookAtMoiPloise · 01/09/2021 10:53

Or are you implying it's bad and selfish not to have children in the first place?

My thoughts too Hmm

AleynEivlys · 01/09/2021 10:56

@mugcupwhatever Huge difference between resent and regret. My children are the most precious, beloved individuals in my life and feeling resentful towards them is an emotion that I have never once experienced. In terms of my own inability not to feel on edge/terrified that something is 'wrong' with one of them/worried that something terrible is going to happen to them every single second of every day, however, I absolutely do regret having them. Illogical reasoning, perhaps, but if intrusive, anxious thoughts were easily rationalised then nobody would be mentally ill with them. ☹️

AgathaAllAlong · 01/09/2021 11:06

I love my child, but I regret having him when I did. I should have waited a few years, finished my training, enjoyed my adult life a bit more, bought a house, gone travelling more. It also means I won't have another one, at leats not in the time span I originally had planned between kids, which makes me sad. At the time I thought that these things wouldn't matter once he was here, but they do and I struggle to cope with the regret over my career, and the guilt about the regret.

Lavender24 · 01/09/2021 11:33

@Cheeseplantboots

I don’t regret my children but if I could go back and know what I know now I definitely wouldn’t have any.
This. I love my daughter so much and I wouldn't wish her away now she's here but if I'd truly known what it would be like I wouldn't have had her. We have our laughs and I melt inside when she hugs me but it's 95% shit. It's utterly soul destroying.
Elkey · 01/09/2021 11:41

Oh my. This is the saddest thread I've ever read and I've only read the first page. Poor, poor children.

Our society needs to be less focused on having kids and settling down. The assumption that having children is the norm and the natural course of action needs to stop.

LlamaTime · 01/09/2021 11:46

@Elkey I don't think it's "poor children" - you can love your children with all your heart and be the best parent to them whilst knowing that if you had your time again you wouldn't have any. It's poor mothers rather than poor children.

emilylily · 01/09/2021 11:48

@sayanythingelse

I think it's ok to admit it as long as you never say it to your children.

Outwardly, I grew up with everything I could have ever wanted. Nice house, holidays, toys etc but my mum told me multiple times that she wishes she'd never had children (especially me). I would have rather had nothing but have the knowledge that my mum loved me.

Aw how sad :(
PumpkinKlNG · 01/09/2021 11:49

Yes that’s it, I love my children of course I do, but if I had my time again I wouldn’t have had any.

OP posts:
LookAtMoiPloise · 01/09/2021 11:54

@Elkey

Oh my. This is the saddest thread I've ever read and I've only read the first page. Poor, poor children.

Our society needs to be less focused on having kids and settling down. The assumption that having children is the norm and the natural course of action needs to stop.

What good do you think you're doing by trying to shame women who are just being honest about their feelings?