Regret having children?

[PumpkinKlNG]

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

@jhsjahk honestly I can relate to all of that as well 😔 people say it’s rewarding but it just isn’t, sometimes I wonder what I’m doing wrong to not find it rewarding, I hate being a parent and don’t really enjoy any part of it, I wish I could go back in time.

I don’t regret my children but if I could go back and know what I know now I definitely wouldn’t have any.

Funny I actually don't think it's always people that don't want them. These threads seem to have more regret from people who never questioned it and thought it's what they wanted.

Agreed. Of my friends who have openly said they regret having children, it was the ones who I'd have said were born to do it, always absolutely sure they wanted to be parents. When you want something that much, you tend to see only the good, and disregard anything negative, so it's easy to be blindsided by the reality being less rosy all the time. The ones who were on the fence, or had them later having decided maybe they'd give it a go, seem happier - or at least more realistic that they knew what they were signing up for.

I've been called selfish on MN before for saying I didn't want children because I'd resent them ruining all the things I like about my life. These threads, as sad as they are sometimes, are what keeps my mind clear when the odd hormonal broody feeling comes in - I know I wouldn't be the parent I'd like to be, because I know I wouldn't enjoy it and I'd resent it.

I think it's a good thing I know that and I don't think it's selfish. But I also think it's a good, loving, brave, selfless thing that there are women raising children despite how they feel about parenting. It takes real strength of character, and I feel for anyone who feels this way - an impossible choice, because you'll only really know when you do it, and then you can't ever fully un-do it. for you all, you incredible lot.

On the flip side I see being older parent as positive - for example me and DH are kind of bored of the single life now. It gets monotonous

Honestly? Hand on heart I don't regret children. However:

I had PND with my first. It was truly a lonely and horrendous time. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I kept working full time. This cost a small fortune, but kept my sanity and I've been promoted twice in the 8 years I've been a mum. Time with the kids is quality over quantity. Crutially, my dh is my equal in terms of graft and we pay for a cleaner.

My kids are in the 'golden stage' (primary school). Life is genuinely pretty nice after years of grind. Not to say that all that laundry isn't a slog and yes, I am aware that the teen years are not yet lived through.

I acknowledge that I chose kids for the 'long game'. I couldn't imagine a life without them in it. They aren't kids forever and having a lifelong relationship (off some sort) really appealed.

I always wonder how those people who regret having children imagined being a parent would be

I don't have children and am open about not wanting them, and I suspect that makes friends with mums more likely to confide in me - a surprising amount have said they regret having children. The common theme is they miss their own identity, and wonder what they would have achieved (nb I run my own business so this is largely other businesswomen).
I've also see friends the most desperate to have children, plan to be stay at home mums, be the ones who've struggled the most.

The society default is to have children. I really think we should all be encouraged to consider if it's something we really want, or if we're meeting expectations.

Very interesting point from PP that having children later in life may make parents more aware of what they've given up.

I really admire parents because to me, it just looks so stressful and monotonous.

OP how old are your children.
Sorry about the way you’re feeling can totally understand it.

Well no one really knows that it’s like to be a parent until they are one? Everyone says how hard it is but how rewarding it is which outweighs that but like I said I don’t find it rewarding so? My children also have sen so not the same as parenting a NT child and not something I predicted.

@Mummytea24

I always wonder how those people who regret having children imagined being a parent would be

In my experience the people that regret it seemed really keen to have kids. As another poster suggested I believe they convinced themselves of all the positives and none of the negative.

People that were on the fence or thought they didn't want them seen to have pleasant surprise. Probably because they thought it would be hell and it turned out to be more positive than they expect.

Of those who regret - would you say you thought you wanted kids or not before having them?

I'd be interested to see if my theory has any substance to it as it seems to on other threads and from people IRL I know who seem fed up with motherhood.

I always wonder how those people who regret having children imagined being a parent would be

That’s just it though - you can’t possibly imagine what it’s actually like until it happens to you. I obviously knew it would be hard work but I could never have predicted how much it’s changed me as a person, for example. Fortunately I don’t regret having my kids but there have been some utterly bleak moments and I can absolutely understand why some people do.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I sometimes wonder if its age related. We have kids much older than people used to. We have time to enjoy adulthood, accrue income to spend solely on ourselves, develop our careers and invest in our hobbies, we have a lot that we "give up" if we first become a parent at 35 for example. Whereas maybe 60 or 70 years ago the gap between adolescence and parenthood was minimal, I can imagine parenting being associated with freedom from your own parents, with independence and adulthood etc. If you've never experienced 15 years of child free adulthood, you perhaps wouldnt miss it?

I think there’s a lot in this.

I had kids young and actually I didn’t have to “give” a lot up when they came along. Obviously the big nights out went, but I’d been doing that since about 15 and I was kind of over it anyway.

Now my kids are grown and I have my own time and hobbies there’s no way I’d go back to the baby stage, though I am now at the age when most people start having kids. I can only imagine that if you’ve had a long time of pleasing yourself that it would be much harder to give that up. You’re also less adaptable as you get older and find going without sleep more difficult.

It’s also luck of the draw in so far as some kids are just much easier to parent than others.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I sometimes wonder if its age related. We have kids much older than people used to. We have time to enjoy adulthood, accrue income to spend solely on ourselves, develop our careers and invest in our hobbies, we have a lot that we "give up" if we first become a parent at 35 for example. Whereas maybe 60 or 70 years ago the gap between adolescence and parenthood was minimal, I can imagine parenting being associated with freedom from your own parents, with independence and adulthood etc. If you've never experienced 15 years of child free adulthood, you perhaps wouldnt miss it?

Yeah my DH and I thought this too, had baby in late 30’s/mid 40’s. Plus probably the current age of your child and whether you are an introvert or an extrovert and we get no babysitting so we are always on.

I do wonder how many women get told they have PND when they are just experiencing regret. It’s difficult because I really do love my DD but I loathe being a parent I find it draining. I have hope that once she’s older the regret will fade.

@the80sweregreat

People do not tell the truth about how hard it is. Simple as that.

I don't agree. I've heard nothing but moaning parents about how miserable parenting is since I started in my first job.

It's almost a race to the bottom to say no one has it worse than a parent in terms of everything

I'm the complete reverse, never wanted kids but absolutely love being a mommy now. I can definitely see how peoples views can change, works both ways

@Mummytea24

I always wonder how those people who regret having children imagined being a parent would be

It seems to go on for longer than I imagined . I wouldn't do it again.

I don't regret having children and knew I always wanted them. Obviously they aren't for everyone and you don't always realise that until you've had them.

And actually the older they get, the more I regret it...it was easier and nicer when they were little. Teenagers are horrendous and at least with young children they go to bed early so you get some peace in the evenings!

I don’t regret it at all & would still have DD if I could turn the clock back. Even though parenting is 100% harder than I realised.

But -

• I only have one child (through choice)
• I have a supportive, hands on DH
• DD is healthy and relatively “easy” ie no additional issues
• we have helpful family locally
• We aren’t short of cash

I can understand how people who aren’t in such a fortunate position don’t feel so positively

Regret is pointless. As with any other decision you’ve made in your life you cannot undo it. So try and make the most of it, move forward positively instead of filling your head with negativity.

@SleepQuest33

Regret is pointless. As with any other decision you’ve made in your life you cannot undo it. So try and make the most of it, move forward positively instead of filling your head with negativity.

Agree with this. Perhaps counselling would help those with regret to come to terms and accept things

I think different people have very different experiences of motherhood.

Someone that is a single parent, has a child who is hard work ie strong willed, tantrums etc, won’t do as they’re told etc… and that has no family support, will have a more difficult experience than someone with a supportive partner, good support network and a chilled out well behaved child.

I don’t regret it but I never realized it was so hard having children. I love them more than anything but it’s definitely had a detrimental effect on my health. Having to work, run a house and look after children is draining. When they’re little it’s he’s going, the lack of sleep, not being able to eat properly, not being left alone for a second. The thing I also struggle with is the way the use me as a climbing frame clambering all over me it drives me crazy. I also struggle with how much the damage everything, nothing stays nice when you have little ones, windows , walls, carpets, they’re into everything. I think people who have loads of money would probably find it easier but for most people who have to work it’s incredibly difficult.

But -
- I only have one child (through choice)
- I have a supportive, hands on DH
- DD is healthy and relatively “easy” ie no additional issues
- we have helpful family locally
- We aren’t short of cash

Yep, I've always said that these things make a huge difference...a NT child, decent partner, family help and money...having all these things makes it a completely different experience. A single mum with no family support, no money, multiple children with special needs or disabilities will have a miserable experience of motherhood

I think it can feel relentless and overwhelming at times.
When they are very young the "light at the end of the tunnel" feels very far away, but it would be interesting to see how many parents of older children, say late teens feel this way.
Mine are much older now, l have no regrets but admit l found it a lot harder than l ever imagined when they were young.
I think parents can be very hard on themselves these days, we set the bar very high.