Regret having children?

PumpkinKlNG · 2021-08-15T18:15:55+00:00

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 15/08/2021 19:27

One of my friends privately told me that she regrets having her son (I didn't ask her, she just came out with it over coffee one day). She basically said that she didn't think past the baby stage and misses her old life, she loves him but if she could go back in time she probably wouldn't have kids. She has an absolutely useless husband though and is quite unhappy with him so that might be part of it.

Original poster

PumpkinKlNG · 15/08/2021 21:07

It’s a very taboo subject (clearly) but yes I can relate to a lot of that.

OP posts:

Sweetchocolatecandy · 15/08/2021 21:16

I see a lot of these threads popping up so I think it is more common than you think.

sayanythingelse · 15/08/2021 21:19

I think it's ok to admit it as long as you never say it to your children.

Outwardly, I grew up with everything I could have ever wanted. Nice house, holidays, toys etc but my mum told me multiple times that she wishes she'd never had children (especially me). I would have rather had nothing but have the knowledge that my mum loved me.

jhsjahk · 31/08/2021 19:59

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the80sweregreat · 31/08/2021 20:03

People do not tell the truth about how hard it is. Simple as that.

ttcissoboring · 31/08/2021 20:04

@the80sweregreat

People do not tell the truth about how hard it is. Simple as that.

I agree with this and I don't understand - I have siblings and they are the only people that are real with me about it.

Why do people lie? I don't understand

Flawedperfection · 31/08/2021 20:05

I’m so glad that I never had children. Was never for me, so I can understand people who weren’t sure, had them and then realised the same!

ttcissoboring · 31/08/2021 20:06

@Flawedperfection

I’m so glad that I never had children. Was never for me, so I can understand people who weren’t sure, had them and then realised the same!

Funny I actually don't think it's always people that don't want them. These threads seem to have more regret from people who never questioned it and thought it's what they wanted.

NewLifePending · 31/08/2021 20:07

I don’t regret it but I do dislike parenting.

Suzi888 · 31/08/2021 20:08

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NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/08/2021 20:08

Not everyone lies.

I can absolutely believe parenting is NOT for everyone and that some people regret it.

You should all equally believe that for some people, its something that makes them happier and enriches their lives. We haven't always had an easy time of it with our two but my god I wouldnt give it up for a second, I love it to bits.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/08/2021 20:09

I think you can relinquish your parental rights, name taken off the birth certificate and go no contact. Legally you wouldn’t have to pay maintenance etc (I think) I’m not 100% sure.

You can't do this or plenty of men would do it and walk away from paying maintenance.

Suzi888 · 31/08/2021 20:11

Personally I wouldn’t ‘push the button’ to reverse time but it is SO hard. I never wanted children, I was also fairly old to have a baby, but I love her with all my heart. Even though she’s often a pita,
we can’t go spontaneous holidays, nights out etc and probably won’t be able to until I am approaching 60.

Ducksurprise · 31/08/2021 20:12

People don't tell the truth about most things, I think because so often they are pretending to themselves.

Saying that having children is honestly the only thing I don't regret in my life, however pretty much everything else I would change or do completely differently.

LAgeDeRaisin · 31/08/2021 20:14

@jhsjahk how old is your child? What is it that you struggle with?

You will always have financial responsibility for your child if you were to leave your partner and never see the child again, but plenty of people (albeit mostly men) have nothing to do with their children in terms of parenting/visitation.

Classica · 31/08/2021 20:16

I suppose that most people who regret parenthood still love their children deeply and would never want to devastate them with such an admission. Quite rightly. Can't imagine how wounding it must have been to be the pp whose mother told her she regretted having her. And people probably think that if they admitted it in a vulnerable moment to a friend that they'd be horrified and judge the hell out of them. So people keep it to themselves. But I'm sure it's more common that you'd think.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 31/08/2021 20:16

I don’t regret it, not for a second. But I have fairly nice teenage daughters and I’m not bogged down in nappies and soft play. Obviously I went through that, but I was young (early 20s) and enthusiastic. I’m not sure I’d be so enthusiastic about crawling through soft play now 😂. Maybe I would, who knows, but I’m glad that those days have passed.

It’s fine not to have kids if you feel it’s not for you. I do think many of those who regret it or find it very challenging are sometime those who wanted children, but the reality didn’t live up to the expectation. The hard thing is, you probably don’t know for sure that parenting isn’t for you until you’re actually a parent and then it’s too late to change your mind.

Classica · 31/08/2021 20:18

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Not everyone lies.

I can absolutely believe parenting is NOT for everyone and that some people regret it.

You should all equally believe that for some people, its something that makes them happier and enriches their lives. We haven't always had an easy time of it with our two but my god I wouldnt give it up for a second, I love it to bits.

It's pretty common knowledge that parenthood is an enriching experience for many, many people. Hence why admitting the opposite is taboo.

Mum21031608 · 31/08/2021 20:22

My friend has a 5 year old and she hates parenting.

She used to think having a child was all she ever wanted…..but now sees that the reality is very different.

She will openly talk to me about how she wishes she’d never had him.

lking679 · 31/08/2021 20:22

I thought I might regret it but I don’t (well not after DD1 was about 12 months old)! Couple of things though, my husband does 50% of parenting and chores, I work full time so after maternity leave they go to childcare which helps me mentally and also my children are well behaved (I know I’m lucky!).
If I was a stay at home mum think I would regret it, I don’t have the temperament to be a child’s entertainer all day!
I think if you’re regretting it look at why, if DP useless hire a cleaner if you can?! If at home with them all the time put them in some childcare? If they don’t sleep look at sleep training or a sleep consultant.
Try and connect with them by just having a bit of playtime, they’re little people and can be funny and fascinating. And try and have some adult time or treats if you can- a meal, a trip out etc can help. I am probably teaching you to suck eggs and if you’ve done all those things and still regret it that’s tough but you are where you are and I’d be trying to make the most of it and making sure my DC’s still felt loved.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/08/2021 20:23

I sometimes wonder if its age related. We have kids much older than people used to. We have time to enjoy adulthood, accrue income to spend solely on ourselves, develop our careers and invest in our hobbies, we have a lot that we "give up" if we first become a parent at 35 for example. Whereas maybe 60 or 70 years ago the gap between adolescence and parenthood was minimal, I can imagine parenting being associated with freedom from your own parents, with independence and adulthood etc. If you've never experienced 15 years of child free adulthood, you perhaps wouldnt miss it?

AliceW89 · 31/08/2021 20:25

It can be the most fantastic thing you’ve ever experienced and frustrating, monotonous drudgery all within the same day. I wouldn’t change it for anything, but goodness I was not prepared for how hard it can be! @jhsjahk you sound complete at your wits end I hope you have people to talk to in real life? How old is your LO?

Imnewhere1991 · 31/08/2021 20:30

@jhsjahk sending a hug 🌸 I can relate a lot to what you have said.

Ducksurprise · 31/08/2021 20:34

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I sometimes wonder if its age related. We have kids much older than people used to. We have time to enjoy adulthood, accrue income to spend solely on ourselves, develop our careers and invest in our hobbies, we have a lot that we "give up" if we first become a parent at 35 for example. Whereas maybe 60 or 70 years ago the gap between adolescence and parenthood was minimal, I can imagine parenting being associated with freedom from your own parents, with independence and adulthood etc. If you've never experienced 15 years of child free adulthood, you perhaps wouldnt miss it?

I think this is probably true, certainly for me.