Regret having children?

[PumpkinKlNG]

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

Natural to think it at times but it's a long game. We don't have babies because we love sleepless nights. We're building a family. It's been hard at times but it centres me and oh god it gets easier. I had a week "off" from my young teens as they were with their dads, camping, but I enjoyed sharing texts, just odd things during that time. Things they'd seen or just jokes. Was lovely to have them back in the house today with hugs. When your fourteen year old son gives you a hug and your 12 year old makes you a cup of tea before the pair of them go off to catch up with their friends online... It's OK. It'll be OK x

I’m not really sure I want a tribe around ‘helping’ me raise my DS!

@Tiredtiredtired100. I’d agree.

I don't regret it at all. I came at it from the opposite angle though, as I thought being a parent sounded horrendous for a long time! The lack of spontaneity, the hit to my funds impacting (mainly) on my wardrobe, holiday and restaurant expenditure, the curtailing of my social life - I thought it wasn't for me.

Then as I got into my mid thirties, I was hit with a sense of ennui, my friends started having babies and they were kind of cute, my fiance definitely wanted kids and it occurred to me that I did too...in a few years.

Then I had a 'surprise'. I was initially terrified but it ended up being the best thing ever! I haven't regretted it for a moment.

[quote LAgeDeRaisin]@jhsjahk how old is your child? What is it that you struggle with?

You will always have financial responsibility for your child if you were to leave your partner and never see the child again, but plenty of people (albeit mostly men) have nothing to do with their children in terms of parenting/visitation.[/quote]
Yes, but most men who walk away from their kids aren't generally wanting to have their child fostered or adopted or have their name removed from the birth certificate. That poor, poor child. Brought into the world through the parents choice then almost hated. What a heartbreaking read that post was.

I have just one child, but that was age-related. And, on balance, I think my singleton is all I wanted. I would have been fine without children, but I'm delighted and still excited by the new ideas a young person brings into my life.

Definitely agree that you are less likely to regret the things you have to give up if you have them young before you have had 10 years as an earning adult, agree two invested parents makes the experience different and having some cash so you have options and you are not always stressed about paying for things makes the whole experience different to the opposite situation.
I have no regrets what so ever with ours and they are all well adjusted caring adults now, but a friend has two with SEN and her life really is relentless. I can completely see she would have a different perspective.

I don't regret having kids. Not for a minute.
I don't think it's hard either, I think it's easy.
Set the bar low is my advice.

Having said all that I think people actively choosing NOT to have children is great. It's not for everyone.

@LaProcureure

I do wonder at people saying “no one is honest about how hard it is” - but surely the fact it’s hard goes without saying? How could being 100% responsible for a whole human life, from which you never get any holidays, ever be anything but hard? It baffles me when people are surprised by that.

As a childfree person I don't get this either. You don't need someone to walk up to you and say 'Being a mother is really hard, you know!" You can see it with your own eyes and hear it with your own ears every time you spend an afternoon with parents of young children, or even go to the supermarket and hear a toddler having a meltdown over ice cream. That's why I didn't have children - it just seems really tough.

I think a lot of people simply didn't want to hear about the downside of being parents. It's not really a decision people enter into rationally. It's just something they want on an emotional level, and for that reason they will ignore all the glaringly obvious and readily availabile evidence to the contrary.

I loved having children, I find teenagers challenging and it’s harder than I expected and they’re not really troublesome, just I find I don’t always know how to parent. It was so easy when I was in charge!

DD is 20 and doesn’t want children. I totally support that decision. Friends of mine are upset that they might not have grandchildren. I don’t understand that at all.

I know three people who stuck at one child cos they knew after a few months they couldn't face another one.

All three mothers have particularly enviable non-mummy lives, which might have something to do with it.

Regret is an education and money thing, too - if you're highly paid, you can subcontract out DC most of the week. On NMW, you're dumped with them. And probably still working your arse off in Asda.

Some might say that the better your life is, the more you have to lose by breeding - equally, well-off women can get shot of the DC easier.

I don't regret having ds. I regret that I was so much less good at being a parent than I thought I would be. It all goes on too long to be able to keep up any kind of front.

I think the ages / personalities of children can influence this question. As can the realities of day to day support around you.

Mine are now teen and I love being their parent. They’re great company, funny, annoying. I really enjoy their company. But I look back on the toddler/ younger years and shudder. Those years were TOUGH.

So no, I don’t regret having them one bit. I think with hindsight I would have parented differently when they were younger, especially knowing what I know now. But I guess that’s experience.

My kids are a huge part of my world, and I am super grateful that I got to share my life with them.

I should say. Getting to share my life with them. It’s not past tense

I didn’t want kids until I was older ( I had 15 nieces and nephews at the time!) I was quite put off by it to be honest, I seen how hard it could be at times for my sisters and especially the ones who had crap DP’s or money struggles ect seeing them having to grow up way before their time in order to raise their kids, they had kids young. Now I’ve got 3 and my god I was right, it’s the hardest thing in the world but I do think it helps if you’ve got an equal DP and the knowledge beforehand going into it. I wouldn’t say I regret my kids at all, My DP on the other would say yes as he wasn’t brought up round children a lot and was a shock to the system for him.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I sometimes wonder if its age related. We have kids much older than people used to. We have time to enjoy adulthood, accrue income to spend solely on ourselves, develop our careers and invest in our hobbies, we have a lot that we "give up" if we first become a parent at 35 for example. Whereas maybe 60 or 70 years ago the gap between adolescence and parenthood was minimal, I can imagine parenting being associated with freedom from your own parents, with independence and adulthood etc. If you've never experienced 15 years of child free adulthood, you perhaps wouldnt miss it?

This is a very good point. I said something similar to my husband. We had 10 years together before DS came along, me 32, him 36. We are not "old" but we had an amazing ten years together full of travel and days outs and pizza nights and lie-ins. DS coming into our lives turned everything upside down and inside out. We had to get used to not being able to do so much that we had been able to do for ten years. Had we fallen pregnant by accident 8 years ago, then kids would've just always been in our lives and we wouldn't have known different.

Just my opinion. I personally don't regret my son. I really really wanted kids but also saw how hard it was (although I still don't believe anyone really knows until they have their own...then it's too late!) So we debated for a while, we decided to go for it in the end (fertility issues turned it into a battle). We're now accepting our lives are just different now but I love having my son, even after a colicky start! As a pp said, I also have a husband who is 50/50 in parenting and housework so I think that makes a big difference.

I completely understand why some people regret having children and it's likely far more common than it's made out to be.

Many years ago when I first started working as a GP I had a patient come in for a consultation because she hated being a parent, felt nothing for her children and was depressed at the thought of that just being her life forever more. She made an appt with me because people kept telling her she had PND and she'd feel better when they were older. But she didn't. She felt worse and more trapped each year. When she rang to make the appt she specifically asked for a GP who didn't have children because she was fed up with being told that it would get better etc. Or not believe her when she said she didn't love or even like her children, just resented them for ruining her life.

I arranged for counselling for her and the last I heard she had walked away from her husband and children and moved to another part of the country. I often wonder how she is and whether she found the peace she was looking for.

No...not anymore. I have young children, but they're at an age where they make me laugh so much and we have a lot of fun. DH and I seem to be happier than ever too, which definitely helps.

But, when dc1 was born, yes, I think I did regret it. Looking back, I may have had PND. I was so tired and dc1 wasn't a good feeder or sleeper at all and I just wasn't prepared for the exhaustion. Now they sleep pretty reliably, I'm still tired, but it isn't like it was.

@Libraryghost

I haven’t got kids but I sometimes wonder if people’s expectations are too high. A lot of parenting (I am imagining here) is probably mundane and hard work but I also imagine there are wonderful bits thrown in. I have also observed that parenting seems to be very different to when I was a kid. We fit in with our parents and nowadays it seems like everything is about the child. I hear parents asking their kids opinions about everything and feeling guilty if they buy themselves anything. Maybe expectations need to fall a bit and not everything in life needs to be centred around children. Those are my thoughts but as stated I am not a Mum!

Agree with this, many parents cave under Societal pressure and judgement so set the bar too high out of fear of what other think

@Hobnobsandbroomstick

One of my friends privately told me that she regrets having her son (I didn't ask her, she just came out with it over coffee one day). She basically said that she didn't think past the baby stage and misses her old life, she loves him but if she could go back in time she probably wouldn't have kids. She has an absolutely useless husband though and is quite unhappy with him so that might be part of it.

I’m childfree. Part of me is sad about missing out on having a baby, toddler and small child but no way could I deal with an older child or teenager so I just admire other people’s cute kids.

I also couldn’t deal with a child with disabilities or special needs.

I wish I was just being a new mother now at age 40, I had my DD when I was just 21 and I was selfish and immature and was so happy when she got a place at all day nursery from age 4, and I couldn’t wait until my mum took her every second weekend, I was also a single mum which didn’t help but I honestly think women shouldn’t have kids until they are 35, you haven’t lived at 21 and I had an unsuitable boyfriend or 2 when my DD was young, I’m much more patient now and less selfish and I think I would be a great mum now but would hate to be pregnant at age 40.

It’s definitely not a walk in the park. I had children fairly young. I had this idealistic idea of being a mum. I think society makes parenthood look a dream - movies where the children always seem to be angelic and do as they’re told and baby product advertisements with gorgeous smiley cherub babies in etc. I’m not saying there aren’t amazing parts of parenthood because there are, but there is always a lot of self sacrifice involved and really testing times. My eldest is now a teenager and even now there are days I struggle with dealing with new challenges (ie hormones). It’s certainly a rollercoaster and I feel a lot of pressure to be the perfect parent. I don’t think I quite live up to what I imagined myself to be: the arts n crafts, baking, fun days out, totally attentive, firm but gentle, always even-tempered ‘mum’. I can be any of those but not every day and all the time. Sometimes it’s easy to loose your identity and forget who you are a person without being a parent. I try to make time for myself at least once a day even for 10 minutes doing something for me. It’s easy to feel guilty that you don’t love parenting 24/7 but boy it’s blooming hard work and it’s ok to admit that.

@Tessie87 we all get sucked into that trap at times, You aren’t alone. Just remember if someone feels the need to tell you how marvellous their life is then something is probably amiss. They are trying to convince themselves. Take care

I also never suffered with anxiety until I became a mother, there are too many things to worry about when your a mum and I think I would be in a mental hospital if I had any more, I hate that my daughter is 19 and can go out when she likes, come in when she likes, it’s so worrying and I do tend to think the worst, I need to stop watching true crime things as I get things in my head that may happen to my girl, it’s awful.