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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regret having children?

371 replies

PumpkinKlNG · 15/08/2021 19:15

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

OP posts:
thaimoon · 31/08/2021 20:52

Why do people lie? I don't understand

To continue the existence of the human race. It's a survival thing Grin

Comedycook · 31/08/2021 20:53

Cross post with @TableFlowerss!

TableFlowerss · 31/08/2021 20:53

So it’s more likely they wouldn’t chose that experience again if they knew what they were in for. I don’t think that means they don’t love their child, it’s just they find it very difficult.

LemonPeonies · 31/08/2021 20:55

I Don't think everyone is cut out to be a parent, regardless of whether they want to be one or not. Some people Don't realise how difficult it is beforehand or maybe never get any experience from family members or friends with children to see it or be involved with kids in any way? It's a shame. I thi k my mum regrets having us and trust me, it's noticeable. I'm grateful I Don't find parenting too hard, I'm not sure why. Possibly because of younger siblings and lots of children around me all my life I got used to it easier.

blubberball · 31/08/2021 20:55

I can relate to this. I also have a dc with SEN. Still changing pull ups 10 years on. It is hard and relentless, and I sometimes don't feel the rewarding side of things. But I truly love them and want them. I always wanted children, and I had them quite young. I think that I would have been sad if I found that I wasn't able to have children for any reason.

Comedycook · 31/08/2021 20:55

@TableFlowerss

So it’s more likely they wouldn’t chose that experience again if they knew what they were in for. I don’t think that means they don’t love their child, it’s just they find it very difficult.
Yes, pretty much every mum loves their kids...that's why even when they absolutely hate their life, they don't walk away from their DC. You're stuck in a life you hate because you love them so much. It's a total head fuck!
LaProcureure · 31/08/2021 20:56

I do wonder at people saying “no one is honest about how hard it is” - but surely the fact it’s hard goes without saying? How could being 100% responsible for a whole human life, from which you never get any holidays, ever be anything but hard? It baffles me when people are surprised by that.

LaProcureure · 31/08/2021 20:57

But full disclosure, I don’t regret it. I can’t imagine not having had them.

MyPatronusIsACat · 31/08/2021 20:58

@PumpkinKlNG I have never ever regretted having mine for a split second.

Some people who DO regret it don't like to hear people say they don't regret it though. They refuse to believe you and think you must be lying. I feel a bit sorry for them to be honest; it must be horrible to regret your children.

TableFlowerss · 31/08/2021 20:59

Yes, pretty much every mum loves their kids...that's why even when they absolutely hate their life, they don't walk away from their DC. You're stuck in a life you hate because you love them so much. It's a total head fuck

@Comedycook

Exactly. I have a friend in this exact situation. She adores he DS but it’s relentless for her. He’s 4 now and it’s really tough. The dads not around, she’s not got a post to pi*s in and no parents to help out.

She really struggles, mainly because of her circumstances. If she won the lottery, could hire a nanny for a few hours a week then her life would be much better.

She would never leave but she wouldn’t do it again if she knew how hard it would be.

TableFlowerss · 31/08/2021 21:02

[quote MyPatronusIsACat]@PumpkinKlNG I have never ever regretted having mine for a split second.

Some people who DO regret it don't like to hear people say they don't regret it though. They refuse to believe you and think you must be lying. I feel a bit sorry for them to be honest; it must be horrible to regret your children.[/quote]
I don’t think it’s that they regret their children, it’s that they wish their circumstances were different then things would be easi

TableFlowerss · 31/08/2021 21:02

easier

NormaSwilly · 31/08/2021 21:02

I think I might (eventually) have been happier without children, because I love my children so much and I find that makes me vulnerable. I am a more anxious person because I have people whose existence and wellbeing matters more to me than my own, and I find that frightening and tiring.

My children have undoubtedly enriched my life enormously, but the terror of losing any of them sometimes keeps me awake at nights.

WannabeMathematician · 31/08/2021 21:03

@Tiddlywinkly you sound like me from the future I hope to have!

I don’t regret my DS and parenting is about as hard as I thought it would be. (Thank you mn, hanging around here for 3 years before I got pregnant helped in that regard)

However, I will say that when ever I say I’m not liking it in real life or finding it a grind that health visitors jump straight to medication, PND and therapy. Other mums looked at me like I was broken, apart from one. So I think that’s the other reason people don’t say anything. People shame you for not thinking it’s unicorns and rainbows.

TableFlowerss · 31/08/2021 21:04

@NormaSwilly

I think I might (eventually) have been happier without children, because I love my children so much and I find that makes me vulnerable. I am a more anxious person because I have people whose existence and wellbeing matters more to me than my own, and I find that frightening and tiring.

My children have undoubtedly enriched my life enormously, but the terror of losing any of them sometimes keeps me awake at nights.

I can relate to this. You love them so much, the thought of anything ever happening to them tips me over the edge. I would jump of a bridge of anything happened to my kids but good god it’s hard at times
ShimmyYay · 31/08/2021 21:06

I had serious reservations and even regrets while pregnant but as soon as I saw my DD face I knew I could not live without her. I love her more each day and despite having barely any sleep this last year and my relationship with my DP completely demolishing I have NO regrets. When I see her happy little face I feel such overwhelming feeling of joy and i am excited for the future with her ❤️ I do however understand why people may feel regret having children because it completely turns your world upside down and is relentless and most taxing on the mother as the dads don’t tend to do as much as the mother of course! For those with regrets please do it tell your child this as it will ruin them especially when they become adults

peachykeenjellybaby · 31/08/2021 21:07

I don't regret it and i do like being a parent. However, if I could go back in time, i'd tell myself its not the be all and end all and to not worry about falling pregnant and to just enjoy life. Relationship would be happier and easier.

I know I could have led a full and exciting life child free but would always pine for a child and would have wondered what it was like and felt i had lost out

Original poster
PumpkinKlNG · 31/08/2021 21:07

I don’t believe that no one regrets having children not sure where I wrote that Confused I believe most people don’t regret it hence why it’s taboo to mention it

OP posts:
Happyhappyday · 31/08/2021 21:08

Yup, asked DH if we could give DD away a lot in the first couple months. I decided I couldn’t because I would be so ashamed & then PND passed. Spent the first year thinking that while I wasn’t sorry I had DD, if she had never existed I wouldn’t do it again. Probably ages 1-2.5 she’s been delightful & I WOULD do it again knowing what I know now. Last 6 months definitely more on the fence. I keep getting a wee bit broody but then reminding myself I DID deeply regret having one DC despite having a husband who does at least 50% of childcare, a very flexible well paying job, supportive family & enough money for a full time nanny. I think if we could afford the nanny without lifestyle changes in addition to older DC being at school, I might consider it, but basically I think I need a third parent figure to be willing to consider a second child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2021 21:12

It depends on who you talk to and what you read.

For all that it’s still taboo to talk about hating having children with friends, loads of women come to MN when they’re ttc and there are so many threads detailing the awful downsides and hardships, the sleepless nights, the physical trauma, the ruined careers, drained bank accounts, lack of free time, broken marriages (because not many people post for help on a good day, they’re busy off having fun) you also get threads asking if it’s worth it at all as so many parents seem miserable.

Like many things in life you can’t imagine it till you’re in it and by the time you’re up to your neck in it it’s too late as they’ll always be your children, part of you, and you can walk away from them but they’ll always be somewhere in the world, probably wondering where you are.

VulvaTeeth · 31/08/2021 21:14

The people I know IRL who appear (from what they've openly said and from what's observable) to regret having children the most can be split broadly into two categories:

  1. Where the reasons for being unhappy are obvious. I.e, like previous posters have said, people who have no money or no support, or children with behavioural issues.

  2. Those who've very much followed the crowd and had children because it was the done thing to do after establishing a career and getting married. They've previously had high income jobs, have had children at a culturally "average" age (28-33ish) and are consequently stuck in very middle class "nappy valley" areas with lots of other women in the same situation. They've made motherhood into a whole lifestyle, a competition really, while forsaking just about everything that was part of their previous lives. They're physically healthy, stable and affluent, but highly stressed and bloody miserable.

Writing it out, it seems a weird thing to notice. But basically people who, without thinking whether they really wanted kids, threw themselves into a certain lifestyle of motherhood, while finding the practicalities more difficult than most.

XingMing · 31/08/2021 21:14

I understand why you feel this, but beause I was nearly 43 when i had my only child, now 22, I am glad that I did. It gives me a stake in the future. I was very lucky too that my child is mainly fairly average. I have adored the growing up process we have both experienced.

namechanging202020 · 31/08/2021 21:15

I think I regret my planned second child.

I Wasn't expecting it to be even harder than first time round. It's a constant battle and I don't enjoy it at all. I do love them but I enjoyed this toddler stage with my first born and I hate it this time round! I keep wishing their wee life away counting down the days until they're older. Then I feel terrible for feeling this way. It's a constant mental battle inside my own head!

Strangely though I don't regret my unexpected unplanned first born.

ActonSquirrel · 31/08/2021 21:18

@SleepQuest33

Regret is pointless. As with any other decision you’ve made in your life you cannot undo it. So try and make the most of it, move forward positively instead of filling your head with negativity.
I do actually think that much of the misery is caused by ruminating on the fact that you wish you hadn't done it rather than try and find a way to move forward positively.

The more you fill your head with negativity the worse it gets.