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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

414 replies

lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 19:55

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did Angry

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day Hmm

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2021 19:58

YANBU. He sounds obstructive.

Why does he feel you often criticise him? Do you and if you take a step back is it unfair, or is he regularly so pigheaded and unhelpful?

If he wasn’t going to make the dish you requested he shouldn’t have bloody bothered.

Havehope21 · 14/08/2021 19:58

To be fair, the pasta salad thing is probably him thinking that he was making an 'extra special' one - especially if he didn't know that it was specifically for DC.

Doing a big shop when you gave a list... YANBU - that would really annoy me if I had spent ages planning meals and organised a big online one. Is there any way you can still make the pasta salad for your friends BBQ?

Josette77 · 14/08/2021 19:59

He made pasta salad. Take it and hopefully people like it. Sounds like he's a decent chef and there will be other food there the kids won't eat it. I doubt the host will care what kind of pasta salad shows up.

Bookaholic73 · 14/08/2021 20:00

Honestly, I’d just be grateful that he did a shop and made some dinner.
Maybe it wasn’t what you asked, but at least he tried.

DrSbaitso · 14/08/2021 20:01

I think I'd like to hear the other side of this one, especially in light of his comment.

purpleme12 · 14/08/2021 20:01

I would also be grateful too

DonLewis · 14/08/2021 20:01

You're looking at this wrong.

He's the one that did you over! He didn't listen, doesn't care that you've now got to cancel the shop that you'd bothered to do and haven't got the right pasta dish to take with you tomorrow.

This isn't you criticising him, it's him not giving a toss about the mental load you carry.

Does that sound right, or is this a one off and you could let it go, because he doesn't normally do this kind of thing?

MangoBiscuit · 14/08/2021 20:01

Cancel the order, and let him figure out meals for the week.

Any chance you could also make your pasta salad, for the kids?

ExtraOnions · 14/08/2021 20:01

If I were him I would be telling you to do your own shopping and cooking in future ….

So he’s done the shopping, put it away and then made pasta salad, and none of these are up to your standard. Are you this critical in the rest of your relationship, or just when it comes to food ?

SunbathingDragon · 14/08/2021 20:03

Why don’t you make the pasta salad you intended and take both with you?

You can also set up online shopping to remember what you usually order, so it shouldn’t take an hour to put through.

namechangetheworld · 14/08/2021 20:05

I'd be grateful and in all honesty, you sound like a drama queen. It's incredibly easy to cancel an online grocery order, and he was obviously trying to help with the pasta dish. Just explain to the host that he made one before you got a chance. Hardly the end of the world.

Summertime21 · 14/08/2021 20:06

I would be delighted if dh did this. I'm sure you can make another pasta salad if it really needs to be that specific one but I'd be grateful he'd made an effort

Marcipex · 14/08/2021 20:06

Can’t your children eat this pasta salad?
He presumably thinks they will.

BrilloPaddy · 14/08/2021 20:06

Did you communicate all of this to him? If he ignored that then he's an arse and he'd be the one cooking all week.

If you didn't communicate that a shop was coming then it's completely different.

SuddenArborealStop · 14/08/2021 20:07

Pass the newly created problems over to him too. He cancels the order or finds space for it when he forgets. He plans the meals. He tells host the salad had changed and takes on board her reaction.

It would annoy me too my husband is always doing what he thinks I meant to tell him instead of what I actually told him. I don't think I should have to detail my intentions or backstory to every request to get what I ask for.

tiredanddangerous · 14/08/2021 20:08

I think you should listen to him when he says that he feels like he can't do anything without you criticising. Do you always expect everything to be done your way?

CustardyCreams · 14/08/2021 20:10

He did a £180 shop?!! Is it Christmas already?

lljkk · 14/08/2021 20:10

@ExtraOnions

If I were him I would be telling you to do your own shopping and cooking in future ….

So he’s done the shopping, put it away and then made pasta salad, and none of these are up to your standard. Are you this critical in the rest of your relationship, or just when it comes to food ?

This is my quiet gut feeling. OP's attitude is "My way or the Highway"

Tell us why we're wrong to feel this way?

MaintainingPositivity · 14/08/2021 20:11

YANBU

Boils my piss when people go off piste, makes me more annoyed when people say I should be grateful!

Grit your teeth OP, take the salad dish, explain to your friend why it's different and let him take the lead for meals this week.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 14/08/2021 20:11

@namechangetheworld

I'd be grateful and in all honesty, you sound like a drama queen. It's incredibly easy to cancel an online grocery order, and he was obviously trying to help with the pasta dish. Just explain to the host that he made one before you got a chance. Hardly the end of the world.
This^ You are really lucky who have a husband who shops and cooks without moaning or messing it up.
frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 20:11

@ExtraOnions

If I were him I would be telling you to do your own shopping and cooking in future ….

So he’s done the shopping, put it away and then made pasta salad, and none of these are up to your standard. Are you this critical in the rest of your relationship, or just when it comes to food ?

OP had done the shopping though.

The request was for a pasta dish the kids would eat, he chose to make something else.

It’s not a massive deal he shopped and put the shopping away and cooked.
Many many of us do it every single day with no fanfare.

OP say great, where’s the pasta dish for tomorrow? You can make it now whilst I sort out cancelling tomorrow’s shopping delivery.

2catsandhappy · 14/08/2021 20:11

Take two different salads. Say, 'Thank you darling for volunteering to do the cooking next week. I'm off to cancel the online food order. Fab job on putting the shopping away."
Bite your tongue and smile.

DazzlingHaze · 14/08/2021 20:12

I get why you're annoyed, you gave simple instructions and he completely ignored you. But now you can't point out how annoying that is without looking like a moany cow because he's tried to be 'helpful'. But in reality he hasn't actually helped because you've wasted an hour sorting the food order and now need to cancel it, will have to make your pasta salad since the host specifically requested it and might be stuck for dinners to make depending on what he's actually bought.

If this is a one off mistake and his heart has genuinely been in the right place I'd try and let it go but I can see why you're frustrated.

ShinyMe · 14/08/2021 20:12

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

Well... he's got a point.

saleorbouy · 14/08/2021 20:12

He's made an effort to reduce your workload, compliment him and then decide a new meal plan. If he's into cooking he should be able to buy weekly food for family meals.
Sounds like you need a chill pill, so many lazy DH threads on here and now you're complaining when he's done two jobs but not quite to your liking.... poor fellas can't win!