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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

414 replies

lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 19:55

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did Angry

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day Hmm

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

OP posts:
Lightisnotwhite · 14/08/2021 20:33

Totally annoying.

Actions have consequences. Cancel the order. Live on his stupid shop.

Can you make your pasta dish at all if you do an inconvenient quick shop. Or take his - either no one will care it he’ll gave to feed the kids again. Make sure he knows that’s why you chose the first dish. Today. So he can’t be all confused tomorrow,

Bettyboopawoop · 14/08/2021 20:33

Isn't it lovely that he's trying to be helpful and is being criticised, maybe he feels you do critisise him all the time and maybe he is right?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2021 20:33

You are really lucky who have a husband who shops and cooks without moaning or messing it up.

Oh fucking hell. When will this bull shit end?

He did mess up. He refused to follow up a very simple request.

I have a husband who shops, cooks and cleans. He’s also thoughtful, considerate and does his best to make my life easier, as I do for him. If I’d said I’d make a particular dish for a friend he’d do that, not try to best me by coming over all fucking cheffy. If I said I had a big shopping order coming he’d be grateful not spend a bloody fortune several days earlier so the order had to be cancelled.

Ivegotanewfridge · 14/08/2021 20:34

But the point is he shopped and cooked and now the OP doesn't like it because he didn't do it her way and how she demanded

That’s not it at all. It needed to be done a certain way for a reason, not because OP demanded it. Now he’s made more work for her - unless of course he now produces the additional pasta the kids like and sorts the meal plan out for the week with what he bought.

GoWalkabout · 14/08/2021 20:34

I think yabu. He stepped in and shopped for the family, he didn't just do what he was told. He just didn't do it how you would (and presumably didn't know you had). He made a salad for the party. Job done, not your. problem another adult decided to do it that way. You can make meals from the ingredients you have.

Frugblie · 14/08/2021 20:35

As he is also an adult in the house, is he permitted to do the shopping? It seems you're moaning that he doesn't deserve a medal for doing it as you work the same as him and usually do it (which is right, it shouldn't be celebrated its normal), but then complaining he doesn't do it properly. My mum was always like this with my dad, he wouldn't do stuff maliciously like hahaha going to get a full shop as that will create more work, but always got an earful for everything. My suggestion would be to communicate more. Ah have a slot booked Monday for the bulk of the food, add anything you want and be clear stuff isn't needed before. If that makes it harder for you then just do the opposite and get him to do it all.

CoronaPeroni · 14/08/2021 20:35

Lol at the 'should be grateful' posters! I bet you couldn't believe it when your dp actually changed a nappy and did a bit of 'babysitting' for his own children. Confused

robotcollision · 14/08/2021 20:35

You can't dictate what pasta salad someone else makes. You make the one you want to make and let him make what he wants.

As to the shopping - annoying but the kind of mistake anyone can make.

girlmom21 · 14/08/2021 20:36

He can buy what he wants when he goes shopping. I'm sure if there's £180 there are some meals.
He made the pasta dish to help you out.

Chill out.

Frugblie · 14/08/2021 20:36

Also just say to him what's the meal plan for the stuff you bought, if he spent £180 I can't imagine there's nought for meals.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2021 20:37

As to the shopping - annoying but the kind of mistake anyone can make.

Am I the only one who’s never spent £180 on food by mistake?

ExpressDelivery · 14/08/2021 20:37

I think I can see why DH complains he feels never gets anything right.

There must be meals in the shop,even if it's not exactly what you would have done.

Bellyups · 14/08/2021 20:37

I’d see it that he did me a favour actually

MangoBiscuit · 14/08/2021 20:38

He doesn't have to cook each meal OP, but he needs to fill in the meal planner with whichever meals he was buying for when he did the shop.

If my exH had ever done this, I would have been pissed off, because he never stepped up and sorted out any of the extra work he'd created. The only time he'd do something "helpful" was to show off how good he was, or to get brownie points from someone. If it caused problems elsewhere, tough shit, I was supposed to sort it all out for him, otherwise I was critical, and he "could never get anything right", and he'd play the victim.

If my DP did this now, I'd probably be a little surprised that he'd ignored my actual request, but I wouldn't be annoyed, because I know he'd step up and sort out any problems, or at least help me to sort them out.

So OP, will your DH sort out the meal planner for you, or does he expect you to do all the grudge work while he gets to show off his cooking skills to your friends?

Rainbowsew · 14/08/2021 20:40

Yabu - make your salad too and take both.

At least he thought of other stuff, my dh has to have a list and never deviates off it even if something we usually have is on offer or he might think we'd like a treat or something different Hmm

toocold54 · 14/08/2021 20:41

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

YABU
Honestly from your OP you sound very controlling and critical. I get that you are frustrated so your worst side is coming out but it does sound like he can’t do anything right unless he does exactly what you say.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 14/08/2021 20:41

Disney dad/ lad shopping at its finest. YADNBU. And no doubt he wanted loads of kudos for what he'd done.

Many posters seem to have missed/ be deliberately ignoring that you say he has form for this sort of thing. The amount of money he spent would also be an issue in many households.

There is a point at which you just can't be bothered with this sort of nonsense, it's just too exhausting. I agree with earlier posters, let him suck up the consequences ( and secretly buy something on the way for the children).

BasicDad · 14/08/2021 20:41

How's about take stock of what he's bought and see if there's something you can both work out with it between you?

SoupDragon · 14/08/2021 20:41

No actually it would be....

😂 It would have been nothing of the sort.

flameycakes · 14/08/2021 20:42

@CoronaPeroni

Lol at the 'should be grateful' posters! I bet you couldn't believe it when your dp actually changed a nappy and did a bit of 'babysitting' for his own children. Confused
Or when he did some shopping for his own family
Peanutsandchilli · 14/08/2021 20:42

Bloke helps out, wife and half of Mumsnet think he's a dick. Typical.

VaccineSticker · 14/08/2021 20:42

Yanbu- BUT to avoid an argument I would just make another pasta dish your friends asked for.
I would tell him that you are trying to streamline and be efficient and that you need to work as a team in the future do not to waste time doing things twice like now.
As for the delivery, you need to go with him item by item to see if he has bought it so you could cancel it off your next delivery. That’s what I would do.

Tuscancat · 14/08/2021 20:43

This would annoy me a bit but I'd probably let it go, because I know my dh would have done it with good intentions. I'd change the date on the order I had meal planned for. Ask him for his meal plan for the week and if he didn't have one say I needed one or he was cooking.
The pasta salad, well it is surprising what kids will eat so I'd think he'd saved me a job and hopefully it will be lovely

BeachDrifting · 14/08/2021 20:46

Honestly, neither of these things would bother me. I find it puzzling that you’re so irritated by this. He did a big shop. Brilliant. Just go through what he’s got and cancel duplicates. Use the Monday shop as a sub order. Even if it’s just £30. No biggie. Pasta dish. Brilliant. Surely it’s a laugh that he got it so wrong? I’d be making dinner party conversation out of that. The kids might love it. It’s not the end of the world if kids don’t get the exact pasta. I don’t really understand where you’re coming from. You sound very het up

Hopeisnotastrategy · 14/08/2021 20:47

@toocold54

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

YABU
Honestly from your OP you sound very controlling and critical. I get that you are frustrated so your worst side is coming out but it does sound like he can’t do anything right unless he does exactly what you say.

My conclusion from this post is that this is exactly what many a controlling man would have said. 🤷‍♀️ Two possible ways of reading this thread.