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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

414 replies

lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 19:55

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did Angry

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day Hmm

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

OP posts:
IsItWorthTheHassle · 14/08/2021 20:48

@SuperCaliFragalistic

OP doesn't have to be grateful that her husband did some shopping for the family.

But she does sound like she's ordering him around.

If you want the shopping and cooking done to your exact specification you do it yourself. You can't expect a grown adult to always follow your instructions. He is allowed to make up his own mind about what to buy from the shops.

Why should the OP or any woman be grateful that their partner has done the shopping ONCE? Is t that what normal adults do??

Why should she be grateful that he did whatever he wanted, didn’t listened to her and brushed her aside? I mean he wasn’t able to communicate like an adult to say that he would like A or B?

Why should she be grateful that he didn’t follow her ‘instructions’ when the pasta dish wasn’t HER request but the HOST request? She should be grateful that he has put her in a difficult position with the host, is that right?

The most you can say is that communication doesn’t work between them. The OP is clearly used to do all the shopping/cooking all on her own with no input from her DH. So she tells him what to do.
And instead of actually digging in and trying to understand WHY the OP wants things in a certain way, her DH stops and whining about ‘never been able to do things right’… I’m sure that if he was doing the shopping with the OP regularly as well as the meal prépa, he would have a much better overview of what is needed and would get things right (rather than being a nuisance for the OP)

Hopeisnotastrategy · 14/08/2021 20:49

@NinaGonk

I get it OP, you made a simple request and suddenly have more problems to fix. That's annoying.
This is it in a nutshell.
Seesawmummadaw · 14/08/2021 20:49

@lechatnoir

It's a tricky one as yes I am critical and yes I can see why he feels like that BUT he does this sort of thing all the time and as someone pointed out it's not helpful it just creates more bloody work. I refuse to be grateful he made anneal or did a shop - we both work FT me away from home all day and him a mix of wfh & office - so we should be sharing this sort of thing. It's all very well saying make him do the meals and planning, if he gets home later than me and the DC are starving I can hardly say "sorry everyone it's dad's turn tonight" & hope he gets home in time (he's SE with irregular hours so not unlikely)
He’s trying to share the load but not in a way you deem acceptable. I usually hate on here when people say how they would love a partner who contributes to everyday family life like cooking and shopping because it shouldn’t be something that women should be grateful for but he is contributing! The shopping will take 2 minutes to cancel and I’m sure it’s not a massive pain to have a different pasta dish. You sound like hard work, stop being so dramatic.
crazyguineapiglady · 14/08/2021 20:50

Pasta salad - I'd let it go.

Shopping - very annoying. I would try to avoid criticising but I would push the work back on him - say "didn't you realise I'd meal planned and ordered a shop for Monday? I can cancel that order but I need you to write down the meal plan for the week so I know what to make if I'm home first".

CoronaPeroni · 14/08/2021 20:50

@Peanutsandchilli

Bloke helps out, wife and half of Mumsnet think he's a dick. Typical.

Just had to check the calendar. Yep, 2021. Do 'blokes' still 'help out' with their own families?

Magspy · 14/08/2021 20:52

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising...

Go figure.

Brefugee · 14/08/2021 20:53

we're like PP - there is a list in the kitchen, if you use the last of something you get the spare from the big cupboard and put it on the list. If we want particular meals we make sure the ingredients are available and add anything we need to the list.

we have a rough meal plan and if one of us is late, the other one gets it started. OP you say he likes cooking - does he do any of the weekly meals?

It's all very well saying make him do the meals and planning, if he gets home later than me and the DC are starving I can hardly say "sorry everyone it's dad's turn tonight" & hope he gets home in time (he's SE with irregular hours so not unlikely)

meh. Get it prepared the day before to re-heat. I think you both need to make a better plan for how you do things.

5128gap · 14/08/2021 20:53

There is nothing whatsoever to be grateful for. Even if he had bought the things you asked for, if he's going to be eating them too it's not a favour to you to go to the shops while you're taking DC out. As it was he ignored what you wanted, arrogantly thought he knew best, and then tried to make you out to be in the wrong, because you dared not to bow to his greater knowledge of what type of pasta your friend really wanted, by saying you're always criticising him. I'd be annoyed too.

Notlostjustexploring · 14/08/2021 20:53

He's not helping or contributing though. She had already effectively done the shopping by sorting the online delivery. All he's done is repeat something his wife had done, do it badly, and then make food his children won't eat.

Seesawmummadaw · 14/08/2021 20:53

@Peanutsandchilli

Bloke helps out, wife and half of Mumsnet think he's a dick. Typical.
Is it helping when it’s his family though? Does the wife help out too or is it her job because she has a vagina?
TractorAndHeadphones · 14/08/2021 20:53

@itsgettingwierd - for valid reasons (she’s already ordered a shop and was told to make something specific).
You can’t judge whether she’s being U until you know whether the DH knew this.

In my house DP does what I tell him when helping with ‘my’ chores - because he knows I have a plan.
It’s the same if when I help with his.
If a big shop would have helped then the OP would have told him to do one!
Also siding with the OP for now - but awaiting further information

CoronaPeroni · 14/08/2021 20:54

Just go through what he's got and cancel the duplicates

Absolutely! I'm sure the op has nothing better to do.

Omg. The thread that keeps on giving.

Apeirogon · 14/08/2021 20:54

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable exactly. I think the problem is that the person shopping needs to be the one cooking. It's tricky if one shops and the other has to cook from the things they've bought.

Polmuggle · 14/08/2021 20:55

You are really lucky who have a husband who shops and cooks without moaning or messing it up.

Jesus. How low is your bar?

Apeirogon · 14/08/2021 20:55

So in other words now he's done the shop he needs to be the one that cooks it.

frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 20:55

Pretty sure OP wouldn’t care if it was her H cooking all week but she’s the one who does the cooking so needs the ingredients and needs to meal plan.

I’d wouldn’t care if DH did a random big shop I’d he was cooking. But doing a random shop and expecting me to put meals that the kids will eat together. I’d be annoyed too.

Backwaterjunction · 14/08/2021 20:56

He is an independent adult not your employee, just because you seem to think you are head of the household your not, he can do what he likes, he’s not done anything wrong or done anything to than a physical shop which is always far better than a online shop for numerous obvious reasons and he’s cooked a superior be your own admission meal, I fail to see the drama, Greece and Turkey and Burning by the way

Itreallytiedtheroomtogether · 14/08/2021 20:56

blossomtoes 'This. I’d be on my bloody knees with gratitude. Poor bugger, I bet his life’s fun'

FFS Hmm

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 14/08/2021 20:57

My husband is driving me nuts about household/kitchen/cooking stuff since we've retired. I always have a reason behind my requests to him and feel it demonstrates a huge lack of respect to me and my experience when he ignores what I've asked for and decides his way to do it is the right way. (Like the OP's DH and the pasta salad, except my husband can't actually cook, though he's a whizz cooking meat on the barbecue.) I can specify an exact brand and weight for something when he goes shopping for me, and he will bring back something vaguely similar and wonder why I'm put out. It's extremely annoying, I feel for you, @lechatnoir.

MajesticWhine · 14/08/2021 20:58

I would get a bit irritated about this too but I would make the dish I had planned anyway. Problem is, if you criticise or control everything he might stop trying to engage in family life.

frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 20:59

@Backwaterjunction

He is an independent adult not your employee, just because you seem to think you are head of the household your not, he can do what he likes, he’s not done anything wrong or done anything to than a physical shop which is always far better than a online shop for numerous obvious reasons and he’s cooked a superior be your own admission meal, I fail to see the drama, Greece and Turkey and Burning by the way
One which the kids won’t eat. And the reason for the pasta dish was for the kids to have a meal they’d eat.
lottiegarbanzo · 14/08/2021 21:00

He's now in charge of cooking for the week. You'd meal-planned, he's scuppered that, because he knows better, so he gets to take over.

As part of that, he'll be sorting out a suitable pasta salad, or alternative, for the kids, for tomorrow.

LifeOfBriony · 14/08/2021 21:00

Can you postpone the shopping order, so the order you took a long time putting together will arrive in a week or a fortnight's time?

Original poster
lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 21:01

Yes he did know I've done a big order as he was sat next to me last night whilst we choose our meals together and I then place the order. I also specifically said just to get the basics to last until our food order comes Monday night (& he knows we're out for lunch tomorrow). I'll be asking what the plan is for this week and asking him to update/cancel the order if we're short of anything.

I'm keeping quiet about the pasta as whilst it's irritating given the host requested a specific dish & I told DH this - but it's honestly not worth falling out over it.

I am bossy and quite critical and am conscious of checking myself since DH voiced concerns but don't wish to become a martyr or 1950's housewife in the process!

OP posts:
Snoozer11 · 14/08/2021 21:02

If he's a keen amateur chef then I imagine he'll know how to put together a meal.

The fact that you're doubting whether everything he bought could be used as meals for the week, coupled with his comment about you moaning all the time makes me want to hear his version.

Cancelling an order doesn't take long and I'm sure you'll manage to feed everyone with a fridge full of food.

But I agree it's irritating if there was something on your food order which you really wanted and now have to cancel.

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