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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

414 replies

lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 19:55

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did Angry

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day Hmm

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

OP posts:
SteveArnottsWaistcoat · 14/08/2021 20:14

Pasta

Sauce

Job done. Just take it with what you have!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/08/2021 20:14

Can you rearrange the delivery date rather than cancel?

Original poster
lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 20:14

It's a tricky one as yes I am critical and yes I can see why he feels like that BUT he does this sort of thing all the time and as someone pointed out it's not helpful it just creates more bloody work.
I refuse to be grateful he made anneal or did a shop - we both work FT me away from home all day and him a mix of wfh & office - so we should be sharing this sort of thing. It's all very well saying make him do the meals and planning, if he gets home later than me and the DC are starving I can hardly say "sorry everyone it's dad's turn tonight" & hope he gets home in time (he's SE with irregular hours so not unlikely)

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 20:15

Having a husband who shops and cooks without lining is not a massive prize.

Some posters have incredibly low bars.

I wouldn’t have bothered with DH if he didn’t cook or clean. He eats food too, and expects to live in a relatively clean environment. If he preferred to live in squalor we’d have clearly not been compatible.

And I didn’t marry DH to be his skivvy

lilmishap · 14/08/2021 20:15

YABU If you'd done a shop and pasta salad for a BBQ one of his friends was having (thinking you were helping him out) only to be slagged off by him online I reckon you'd be calling him unreasonable too.

Cancel the online shop and just make do with whatever he's bought, you never know he might have managed to do a big shop including new family favourites.

Let it go

Ivegotanewfridge · 14/08/2021 20:15

I’m with you on this OP. My partner does things like this at times. Decides to swap something because he thought it would be nicer but there was a reason for me being specific in the first place. He’ll then say “but you didn’t explain that”. My response is that I shouldn’t have to, you should have just got the thing I asked for in the first place! I’m not a spontaneous wing it type of person so don’t like curve balls, and he knows this.

SusieBob · 14/08/2021 20:16

This reply has been deleted

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IsItWorthTheHassle · 14/08/2021 20:16

@ExtraOnions

If I were him I would be telling you to do your own shopping and cooking in future ….

So he’s done the shopping, put it away and then made pasta salad, and none of these are up to your standard. Are you this critical in the rest of your relationship, or just when it comes to food ?

Well it sounds like that would mean no change for the OP who had prepared all the internet shopping already as well as the pasta dish that was required.

YANBU for the shopping @lechatnoir. Mainly because he bought random stuff and he won’t be the one to actually have to put mal s together from what he bought.
I would actually thank him for doing the shopping and then ask him to do the meals next week as he clearly knew what he would be cooking during that week.
I would also keep the pasta dish but ask him to bring it to the bbq and give it to the host, explaining how/why he thought his dish was better than what she was expecting.

Basically, let him feel the consequences of his actions. No need to tell him off and you won’t be the one who suffers from it.

itsgettingwierd · 14/08/2021 20:16

@tiredanddangerous

I think you should listen to him when he says that he feels like he can't do anything without you criticising. Do you always expect everything to be done your way?
This was my first thought.

Why don't you have an online shop that you both add to over the week and it's sent at a certain time?

Why can't he plan meals with what he's brought in the shop th is week? Perhaps he'd like to have some autonomy over the shopping and meal planning?

So give it to him!

sorryforswearing · 14/08/2021 20:16

YANBU. I have experience of similar as my DH never comes back from the supermarket with what I asked for. It’s infuriating. He complains he can never do anything right and I always complain. I’d say that’s true but he could fix it instantly by bringing what I ask for.

flameycakes · 14/08/2021 20:17

Is your DH only allowed to do what you tell him to do? Do you make him abide by everything you decide? You sound very controlling.

thelastgoldeneagle · 14/08/2021 20:17

Well, the hand maidens are out in force tonight!! 😯😯

Op, yanbu. He's ignored your wishes to do his own thing, ignoring the mental effort you've made in making the Tesco order ( which isn't the same every week, as a pp suggested, unless you're really fucking dull and eat the same food every week). He hasn't solved the problem you asked him to solve; he's created new ones.

Yanbu at fucking all, op. I think some posters are so amazed if their partners ever think of cooking that they lose their minds 🙄

IsItWorthTheHassle · 14/08/2021 20:18

@SusieBob

I'd tell you to shove your dinner where the sun doesn't shine. Cancelling an online shop is not exactly a hardship.
No but making up meals when you have no idea what has been bought, stuff can’t be put together etc.. is the hardship there @SusieBob
Imapotato · 14/08/2021 20:18

This would really annoy me, but then I am a bit of a control freak Grin.

DH also has form for spending ridiculous amounts of money on food, so he isn’t allowed to do the food shopping.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 14/08/2021 20:18

I think sometimes wives take too much control. He didn't do what you wanted, but he isn't your son, he is your life partner. You have literally said he feels you criticise him too much. Maybe let him take responsibility rather than giving him tasks to do like a five year old?

DazzlingHaze · 14/08/2021 20:19

Can't believe people saying OP should be so grateful that her DH has done a single food shop and made one meal. No wonder so many men are shits when the bar is that low. A grown adult doing a food shop and making a pasta salad is hardly praise worthy. Women are doing that and more week in week out without any fuss or fanfare.

AttaGirrrrl · 14/08/2021 20:19

“I can’t quite work out what your plan was with this shop DH. Can you write out a meal plan for the week so that we can decide who’s cooking what?”

Then postpone your online order to next Monday so that it isn’t wasted.

PicsInRed · 14/08/2021 20:19

Strategic incompetence?

You won't ask him to do a shop again, will you?

IsItWorthTheHassle · 14/08/2021 20:20

@itsgettingwierd, I dint know about you, but I don’t do my shopping for the week according to what has been used but according to what we will eat the following week.

Basically I need an idea of what we will eat so I can buy what we will need.
There is nothing to add throughout the week. It’s all about sitting down and working out what we will eat.

DazzlingHaze · 14/08/2021 20:20

@PicsInRed

Strategic incompetence?

You won't ask him to do a shop again, will you?

That was my thought too.
Lovemusic33 · 14/08/2021 20:20

I’m kind of jealous that you have a man who does the shopping and can cook 😬

libertyfarmboots · 14/08/2021 20:20

YANBU, it would have been helpful to have just done as asked. It’s not helpful to create more work for you. It sounds like it’s not a one off either. There’s a disconnect somewhere though that I think you need to sort out, that enables him to go off on a tangent when he feels like it but also does the thing that was actually asked of him. It feels shit to always feel criticised and it also feels shit to be doing the criticising.

TheCanyon · 14/08/2021 20:21

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised

Sounds like your dh is right. Yes yabu. If the pasta was oh so special to you, you maybe should've got off your arse last night and spent that hour in an actual supermarket buying the requested ingredients.

flameycakes · 14/08/2021 20:21

@lechatnoir

It's a tricky one as yes I am critical and yes I can see why he feels like that BUT he does this sort of thing all the time and as someone pointed out it's not helpful it just creates more bloody work. I refuse to be grateful he made anneal or did a shop - we both work FT me away from home all day and him a mix of wfh & office - so we should be sharing this sort of thing. It's all very well saying make him do the meals and planning, if he gets home later than me and the DC are starving I can hardly say "sorry everyone it's dad's turn tonight" & hope he gets home in time (he's SE with irregular hours so not unlikely)
Sorry, I missed this. Could you get him to do make premade meals with what has bought?
SusieBob · 14/08/2021 20:22

We all know how this would go the other way.

"My DH has been out all day so rather than wait till Monday for the shop I thought I would get a shop in and make a nice dinner. Now he's home and complaining that it's not exactly what he wanted and is being all sniffy about it. Aibu to LTB?"

Mn double standards at their finest.

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