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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH did a big shop & made this meal?

414 replies

lechatnoir · 14/08/2021 19:55

I've been at an event all day with one of my dc and asked DH to get a few bits from the shops. I asked him just get the basics to tide us over until the food order comes on Monday evening plus gave him the ingredients needed for a specific pasta salad dish my friend asked me to make for her bbq tomorrow.

So first AIBU: to be annoyed he did a massive shop - cupboards & fridge are full so I'm going to have to cancel the order I spent a good hour doing last night and then faff around working out whether we've actually got any meals for the week in the £180 shop he did Angry

And 2nd AIBU: to be really pissed off he's made some other completely random pasta salad dish. It does sounds lovely BUT it is neither what was requested by me/the host and won't be touched by the kids which was the whole point of mine! I can't work out if he was doing it to save me a job (in which case I look like a bitch) or to show-off his cooking he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day Hmm

DH is always saying he feels he can't say or do anything without me criticising so I really really don't want to moan but FFS how hard is it to just get what I asked!

So AIBU and a negative, moaning old nag who needs to let it go or AINBU and he's a knob who ignores instructions & requests,, goes off piste then gets cross when criticised.

OP posts:
PawPawPaw · 14/08/2021 20:22

DonLewis has it.Ignore Gilead TV.

frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 20:23

Ask your H what he’s made for the children.

The more posts I read on here from posters rendered prone by a man omg cooking for his own family and making utterly ridiculous food shops which will mean more money being wasted as you can’t put meals together but omg he shopped and out it away and his dick could have fallen off, how amaaaaazing that he shopped and cooked for his own family. Who won’t really benefit because he bought ridiculous things and made something the kids won’t eat.

Get him to sort it.

I’d be all smiles. Great I’ll leave you to carry on and get the kids dish ready you’re clearly on a roll and I’m knackered.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 14/08/2021 20:23

I don't think gratitude is appropriate but he needs some flipping say in what he does otherwise he may as well not bother?!

SuperCaliFragalistic · 14/08/2021 20:23

OP doesn't have to be grateful that her husband did some shopping for the family.

But she does sound like she's ordering him around.

If you want the shopping and cooking done to your exact specification you do it yourself. You can't expect a grown adult to always follow your instructions. He is allowed to make up his own mind about what to buy from the shops.

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/08/2021 20:23

‘Nagging and criticising’ are often used by men to shut women up when the consequences of their carelessness and failure to listen become blatantly obvious.

Did you tell him that the pasta was specific for a reason and that there was already a food shop? If so YANBU.

boomboom1234 · 14/08/2021 20:23

You are not his boss. You don’t get to give him a list and tell him what to do and then be angry he didn’t do exactly what he is asked (or ordered) sorry I don’t mean to sound harsh but you sound so controlling. I would be pleased he had taken initiative.

SusieBob · 14/08/2021 20:23

Can op not look in the cupboards to see what their is? If DH enjoys cooking maybe he has planned things out if the leash gets loosened a bit.

itsgettingwierd · 14/08/2021 20:24

[quote IsItWorthTheHassle]@itsgettingwierd, I dint know about you, but I don’t do my shopping for the week according to what has been used but according to what we will eat the following week.

Basically I need an idea of what we will eat so I can buy what we will need.
There is nothing to add throughout the week. It’s all about sitting down and working out what we will eat.[/quote]
I do it both ways.

We have some staple meals that are cooked because it's what everyone likes and perfect for ds who is a swimmer and needs certain types of food on training and non training days.

So if we made lasagne (for example) and used last of pasta sheets or last mint sauce/gravy for roast it gets added to the list.

We then write a weekly plan and go through cupboards freezer and fridge and add to list what we need.

The rest is the same shit we buy weekly!

We physically shop so list and meal plan is on fridge. And anyone can add a meal to the plan for a certain day if they fancy it for that night.

It's not my sole responsibility.

NinaGonk · 14/08/2021 20:24

I get it OP, you made a simple request and suddenly have more problems to fix. That's annoying.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 14/08/2021 20:25

take the pasta salad, make yours if you cba

and he gets to meal plan from his shopping, your delivery can come next week.

It does come over as precious and critical tbh.

Having said that if he is a repeat offender and you always sort it out then he has no consequences and just gets to moan about you and you get to be the martyr, make him sort it and let him learn the error of his ways

TractorAndHeadphones · 14/08/2021 20:25

Also the low standards here are astounding! A DH who shops and cooks! Women don’t have a ‘shopping and cooking’ gene ffs it’s part of being an adult.

Branleuse · 14/08/2021 20:25

Hes done a shop, so you can cancel yours, and hes made a pasta salad for the barbeque, so you dont have to do that now. No big deal if its a different one, just take it anyway. Its only a side dish surely.
You sound quite disparaging of his efforts "he is a keen amateur chef convinced he'll win master chef one day hmm"

I imagine theres some truth in it that he says you criticise him whatever. Maybe let him do some cooking if he enjoys it and feels good about it. Its a weekly shop, not a massive deal.
You should probably bite your tongue and stop treating him as if hes an annoying child

itsgettingwierd · 14/08/2021 20:27

@TractorAndHeadphones

Also the low standards here are astounding! A DH who shops and cooks! Women don’t have a ‘shopping and cooking’ gene ffs it’s part of being an adult.
But the point is he shopped and cooked and now the OP doesn't like it because he didn't do it her way and how she demanded.
fringeneedsatrim · 14/08/2021 20:28

It really depends how you communicated it to him in the first place:

A. Please just get a few bits as I have done the online big shop which is being delivered on Monday- in which case YANBU

B. Please go to the shops and get a few bits to last the weekend- YABU as he thought he was being helpful doing the big shop for you.

Re pasta salad:

A. Please make this specific recipe as it is what has been requested because the kids will eat it - YANBU as he's ignored the reason that specific recipe was requested

B. Please make this pasta recipe - YABU he thought he was making something more special

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/08/2021 20:28

YANBU I get why you're annoyed and I think it's sad that so many posters think you should be grateful for a DH that does a half assed job and messes things up

strawberrymilkshakeisdelicious · 14/08/2021 20:29

Don’t let your online shop go to waste. Change the slot for the end of the week or next.

But yes, the rest would annoy me.

frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 20:30

@SusieBob

We all know how this would go the other way.

"My DH has been out all day so rather than wait till Monday for the shop I thought I would get a shop in and make a nice dinner. Now he's home and complaining that it's not exactly what he wanted and is being all sniffy about it. Aibu to LTB?"

Mn double standards at their finest.

No actually it would be DH has been out with the kids all day.

He ordered a big family shop for Monday and we’re due to go to a friends for a barbecue tomorrow.

DH asked me to make a pasta dish the barbecue host requested for the kids.

I chose instead to do a massive extravagant shop and picked up bits that looked good. I’ve not meal planned but DH will be cooking anyway during the week. However I came home and put all the shopping away by myself and then I made a pasta salad. It’s not the one DH asked for but it’s so much nicer, agreed the kids won’t like it.

Now DH is upset that the DC won’t have anything to eat tomorrow and he’s angry at the food shop as apparently I’ve not got in everything he needed for next few weeks meals that he had planned.

He’s now complaining he’s tired and he has to remake the pasta and go out and get the ingredients first.

How ungrateful is my H.

Kettledodger · 14/08/2021 20:30

So OP had spent time making a list of what to eat for the week and then did an online shop, sounds like this is usually down to her every week. She then asks her DH to do something he goes totally rogue. Does this men that OPs time is worth nothing? If he wanted to do the shop why did he not offer BEFORE OP had to do the online shop?

Yet another incident of women taking on the home burden then having to feel "grateful" as others have said that her DH has stepped in Hmm

KentuckyCriedFricken · 14/08/2021 20:31

The friend asked you to make the pasta salad. He made it and it’s not how you would have made it. You should have made it, since you are the one who received the specific instruction from your friend as to the ingredients.

Why won’t the children eat it? Has he put half a bottle of gin in it?

Stinkywizzleteets · 14/08/2021 20:31

You can’t please some people!

Was he aware you’d slaved over the PC for a whole hour booking a big shop to be delivered ? Did he maybe think he was doing the family some good by shopping when nothing was in and then cooking something for you all?

To assume a guy who’s taking an active role in household duties is somehow doing it out of lack of care of the partners mental load is crazy. Maybe he saw an opportunity to participate in an otherwise controlling environment? There are always two sides to every story but the one presents here strikes me as ungrateful.

MrsPumpkinSeed · 14/08/2021 20:31

180 quid when you asked for a few bits is a lack of listening. I wouldnt be grateful at all. That's a massive shop and you have to sort it all and think of a new plan for the week.

Notlostjustexploring · 14/08/2021 20:31

I'm on your side here. This would do my head in. I would definitely declare that meal planning is his issue for the week.

And I'm sorry, but for every husband who complains about the fact nothing he can do is good enough there is usually a bloke who's just washed his jeans in with his wife's white tops and looks hurt when she's pissed off because "he was just trying to help".
I have no patience with incompetent, thoughtless men, and to be constantly
told to "be grateful, they're trying to help."
It shouldn't be "helping". Or "trying". It should be "just do it properly, without fanfare". "Properly" in this case being ensuring that his kids get fed, which doesn't like like he's considered that at all!

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 14/08/2021 20:32

Why do you get to tell him what to do? If he told you to make a specific salad, would you do it?

Honestly I'd feel irritated by this too, but think I'd be unreasonable to be so.

Blossomtoes · 14/08/2021 20:32

@ExtraOnions

If I were him I would be telling you to do your own shopping and cooking in future ….

So he’s done the shopping, put it away and then made pasta salad, and none of these are up to your standard. Are you this critical in the rest of your relationship, or just when it comes to food ?

This. I’d be on my bloody knees with gratitude. Poor bugger, I bet his life’s fun.
Concestor · 14/08/2021 20:33

OP my answer to this would be to tell DH to do a meal plan based on what he's bought. Yes you will have to cook it but did like that was the plan anyway, so really you just need him to work out what the meals are and if there's any other ingredients needed then he can go to the shop and get them

Re the pasta, if your children won't eat it (and I totally get that, if it's got stuff in they don't like) and it's needed for them so they have something familiar they can eat, then task him with making something they can eat that you can take as well as his dish.

Don't make a big fuss, just point out these things still need doing and get him to do it. It's not a punishment, it's just part of the job he took on.

Repeat this was many times as needed till he gets it. Took my OH a few months but he knows now if he shops, he meal plans.

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