Page 16 | To not let my daughter change her name?

katherine1983 · 2021-08-14T15:09:26+00:00

My daughter wants to change her name to Rose, however I believe she should keep her birth name until the age of 18. I’m aware she can change it without my permission as she’s 16 however I’m hoping she wouldn’t as she knows I’m unhappy with it. It was the name I chose for her and I do believe her reasoning for wanting to change her name (too masculine) is wrong. Shes been using Rose as her name with some of her school friends and her online friends for over a year.

AlexaShutUp · 15/08/2021 10:15

And I would add that teenage rebellion isn't a cliché in all cultures. If it was a biological imperative, then surely it would be?

Blossomtoes · 15/08/2021 10:19

Clearly my experience of teenagers is very different. I’m pleased for you both that you had compliant teens who you parented so beautifully. I was obviously a complete failure. At least all my friends, with a whole range of parenting styles, were too.

speakout · 15/08/2021 10:30

I agree with AlexaShutUp- and it isn't about having "compliant " teens.

It's about having relationships where differences are discussed, the needs of both the parents and child are made clear and solutions found.
All that can be done without a fight. Parenting needn't be a battle of wills.
As AlexaShutUp points out this teenage cliche of rebellion is not universal.
It is possible to avoid it.

AlexaShutUp · 15/08/2021 10:34

@Blossomtoes

Clearly my experience of teenagers is very different. I’m pleased for you both that you had compliant teens who you parented so beautifully. I was obviously a complete failure. At least all my friends, with a whole range of parenting styles, were too.

I'm not saying that anyone is a failure at all, but I do think it's entirely possible to get through the teen years without battles. And it's completely normal in my extended family and among some - not all - of my friends. It isn't about the kids being compliant either, there will always be differences of opinion and that's perfectly normal and natural. My 16yo dd certainly has a mind of her own, and sometimes makes choices that I wouldn't make. However, we negotiate these disagreements without any battles, on the basis of mutual respect and trust. I respect her choices and don't put arbitrary limits on what she can do. She respects the fact that I am reasonable and will only say no to stuff if there is a genuinely good reason that I will be able to explain to her. That approach might not work for all kids but it works well for us and it works for plenty of other people I know.

I'm not saying that it's unhealthy if some kids end up battling with their parents during the teenage years, or that the parents are failing if that happens. All kids and parents have different temperaments and for some, it might just be a stage that they have to go through. All I'm saying is that such battles aren't universal or inevitable and it certainly isn't unhealthy if they don't happen!

speakout · 15/08/2021 10:38

However, we negotiate these disagreements without any battles, on the basis of mutual respect and trust. I respect her choices and don't put arbitrary limits on what she can do. She respects the fact that I am reasonable and will only say no to stuff if there is a genuinely good reason that I will be able to explain to her.

Exactly my approach! I had two headstrong teens ( both in their 20s now) and the teenage years passed with no battles.
Differences of opinions sometimes yes, yes, but we sat down to discuss issues without fighting- both keen to find a solution.

Biblionerd · 15/08/2021 10:41

@katherine1983

It would be easier for her now as she wants to look for a job. Hopefully the rest of the family don’t have my original reaction. She’s easily shy when it comes to them.

Don't let them have your reaction, advocate for your girl, make sure family accept and respect her decision. Don't let her have to deal with another fight to be called what she chooses, she's already had to fight to get her own mother to respect her. Be on her side fully, she should have you stood between her and the family without her having to be shy about it. Your reluctance to accept her decision will have been hard enough as it is, don't make her have this fight with everyone.

AgentJohnson · 15/08/2021 10:53

Well given her birth name, I think she’s been incredibly patient. I didn’t mean that to sound flippant but it is an unusual name particularly for a girl. I understand where you’re coming from but It’s her name not yours.

HerMammy · 15/08/2021 10:55

This thread should be a lesson for all the baby name posters with their cute and quirky names, might be nice on a baby but not on an adult.

Original poster

katherine1983 · 15/08/2021 11:03

She has been waiting a while for this, she told me she has been waiting until her 16th and not long after she told us. She was wanting our opinion however she’s sure she wants to change it and thinks she won’t want to change it back. I take her word for that as she’s used it since 13 or 14.

OP posts:

opinionminion · 15/08/2021 11:18

Rose is a beautiful name ! Kody sounds masculine. At 16 she is mature enough to make this decision and as she has already been using it for a year it's not unreasonable to want to make it official. Sounds like she is being incredibly mature actually. Choose your battles; kindness, support and understanding is what she needs.

Volterra · 15/08/2021 11:20

Fair play to you OP for taking this on the chin on here. I think it would be quite a nice gesture to help her sort the Deed Poll though I’m sure others will disagree .

Original poster

katherine1983 · 15/08/2021 11:47

I am thankful she chose a decent name, she plans to use the template on the government website and have her friends parents witness it. Ill do my own research but she said it’s not required to pay for one to be done for her.

OP posts:

Lockdownbear · 15/08/2021 11:54

@Volterra

Fair play to you OP for taking this on the chin on here. I think it would be quite a nice gesture to help her sort the Deed Poll though I’m sure others will disagree .

I'd agree, help her sort it. Clearly Rose is what she'll be using going forward so support her.

I can definitely see why names could cost you a job or stop people taking you seriously.

Volterra · 15/08/2021 12:04

@katherine1983

I am thankful she chose a decent name, she plans to use the template on the government website and have her friends parents witness it. Ill do my own research but she said it’s not required to pay for one to be done for her.

She is correct. Start with change of passport first and then the rest all falls into place.

JustLyra · 15/08/2021 12:05

@katherine1983

I am thankful she chose a decent name, she plans to use the template on the government website and have her friends parents witness it. Ill do my own research but she said it’s not required to pay for one to be done for her.

She is right. There’s no need to pay for a deed poll.

Sounds like a sensible girl who has done proper research.

NiceTwin · 15/08/2021 12:10

Only ever met make Kody's/Cody's, she does right to change it.
We had a bit at school who was called a very common Asian name, he wasn't Asian. He changed it to Martin, which was his confirmation name, in year 11.
I think his, as are your dd's reasons are very valid.

Original poster

katherine1983 · 15/08/2021 12:13

I’m glad she’s got it right. I’m going to help her and I feel quite bad that I originally opposed it. I didn’t realise how easy it is to change names, I thought it would’ve required court. She’s found a free deed poll site that does the deed poll for her, all she needs is to have witnesses and herself sign once she prints it.

OP posts:

Volterra · 15/08/2021 12:17

I think one of the really important things with parenting is admitting you made a mistake and moving forward.

If you do that now I bet that’s something she will remember and be a real milestone into your relationship with her as she becomes an adult - which can often be quite tricky to navigate 💐

Sandinmyknickers · 15/08/2021 12:20

@katherine1983

Her father doesn’t like Kody much either, I think he’s rather pleased as Rose goes better with their last name. I do understand that I can’t stop her as she can change it without parents permission and Ill have to accept it. I hope i’ll still be able to call her Kody but if not i’ll try with her new name.

This is so rude of you. If she wants you to call her Rose, why would you not respect that? What a stupid reason to sour the relationship with your daughter over. Please do not pick this as a hill to die on. I mean this as kindly as possible, but if my mum took that attitude of ignoring my choice, we would have a very strained relationship, and when I moved out around age 18 I would pro ably distance myself from her, never want to see her around other people/invite her to stuff for fear/embarrassment she would use my old name which most people in her adult life would not even be aware of... This seems like such a silly thing to create such a rift over, especially as you have said you had no real reason to pick Kody other than "you liked it"

drpet49 · 15/08/2021 12:22

Rose? She could have chosen a better name at least.

AlexaShutUp · 15/08/2021 12:27

Well done for accepting her decision, OP. I think your dd will really appreciate you helping her to make the change, because it will show that you respect her choice even if it isn't what you would have chosen. That counts for a lot.

My dd recently got her nose pierced. She knew I really didn't like the idea but she was extremely appreciative of the fact that I went with her to get it done, and actually paid for it as well. It made her feel that her choices were respected. Your dd will remember that you have supported her choice.

FuckingFlumps · 15/08/2021 12:29

@drpet49

Rose? She could have chosen a better name at least.

That's rather rude of you. If Rose is what she has chosen then that's her choice. I'm honestly not sure why you feel you're opinion on what she has chosen is necessary.

Blossomtoes · 15/08/2021 12:40

@drpet49

Rose? She could have chosen a better name at least.

What’s wrong with it?

Original poster

katherine1983 · 15/08/2021 12:45

If she needs to pay for a deed poll, then i’ll pay for it. However i’m hoping the free one would be taken. Our bank doesn’t need an enrolled deed poll etc.

OP posts:

Blossomtoes · 15/08/2021 12:54

@AlexaShutUp

Well done for accepting her decision, OP. I think your dd will really appreciate you helping her to make the change, because it will show that you respect her choice even if it isn't what you would have chosen. That counts for a lot.

My dd recently got her nose pierced. She knew I really didn't like the idea but she was extremely appreciative of the fact that I went with her to get it done, and actually paid for it as well. It made her feel that her choices were respected. Your dd will remember that you have supported her choice.

Ah, so that’s the secret of conflict free teen parenting - roll over, participate in them doing something you actively don’t like and then foot the bill. I see now where I went wrong.

I was obviously a rubbish parent by putting my foot down and refusing to pay for my 15 year old to go to Amsterdam with a bunch of mates for a cannabis fest. Clearly I should have handed the money over and driven him to the airport.