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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the parent at home with the baby should do night feeds..

262 replies

bluevelvets · 14/08/2021 12:27

When other parent is working outside home from six am to four pm but then said parent takes over completely until bedtime ?

OP posts:
Recessed · 15/08/2021 08:49

it’s 2021! We don’t need to do f*ing everything anymore.

It's incredible isn't it?! With so many still bowing down to prioritise the man it's no wonder things are so slow to change and men still don't pull their weight.

oblada · 15/08/2021 08:49

It depends what works best for each family.
I breastfed mine and co slept so night feeds were mine but also not much hassle. With my first one my DH would wake up and support me during the night feeds for the first 3months or so. If the kids need something else at night or wake up early DH usually does it as he can live well on little sleep whereas I'm awful if I haven't slept a decent chunk.
Being a SAHM or on mat leave has no relevance to that surely.

Disneycharacter · 15/08/2021 09:30

The SAHP should do the working week night feeds because they can always have an afternoon nap with the baby, or go to bed early. Weekends SAHP leave the night feeds to the working parent

Muma1992 · 15/08/2021 09:37

@Disneycharacter

The SAHP should do the working week night feeds because they can always have an afternoon nap with the baby, or go to bed early. Weekends SAHP leave the night feeds to the working parent
It's nice to go to bed early every single week night with the baby and have no life..
loulous1985 · 15/08/2021 09:40

@Disneycharacter

The SAHP should do the working week night feeds because they can always have an afternoon nap with the baby, or go to bed early. Weekends SAHP leave the night feeds to the working parent

Oh this misconception again. 🙄
Please tell me how you have a lovely daytime nap with a baby who during the day will only sleep either in your arms or in the car or pram? And wakes the second they are put down? If there's a way this can be achieved I am ALL ears!! 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Muma1992 · 15/08/2021 09:43

@loulous1985 or people who have more than one child!

loulous1985 · 15/08/2021 09:47

[quote Muma1992]@loulous1985 or people who have more than one child![/quote]

Indeed. Hadn't thought of that one!

crimsonlake · 15/08/2021 10:32

I agree sahm should do the night feeds.
In my case I did and tbh I do not recall keeping tally of sharing lie ins equally at the weekend, I just got on with things. Thinking back I do not think I ever got a lie in, I just saw it as part of being a mum. I also did all the housework and cooking. If I had my time again possibly I would see things differently now.

Di11y · 15/08/2021 11:01

I would definitely expect at least 1 weekend lie in a week and a nap on the day I'm getting up at the weekend. It's no picnic looking after a little one for 10+ hours solo on top of a broken nights sleep.

If your little one is napping reliably, I'd definitely try to get down to nap too sometimes during the week.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/08/2021 11:11

Thinking back I do not think I ever got a lie in, I just saw it as part of being a mum. I also did all the housework and cooking that's the whole problem perfectly surmised.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/08/2021 11:13

For me, there is a massive difference having to work and commute versus pottering around the house and going to baby classes great if you can get that kind of baby on your first try 🤣

StarfishDish · 15/08/2021 11:35

My husband works Mon-Fri. We agreed that id do the night feeds Mon-Thurs as he leaves for work at 5am (he works over an hour away) and gets home at 5pm. Friday and Saturday, he did the night feeds.

Its what works best but personally, I don't think the working parent should do nigut feeds as they cant nap during the day.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 11:37

@Disneycharacter

The SAHP should do the working week night feeds because they can always have an afternoon nap with the baby, or go to bed early. Weekends SAHP leave the night feeds to the working parent
Many people have more than one child. Few parents can nap with a toddler around. This shouldn’t be a novel concept for anyone.
timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 11:39

Oh hey @StarfishDish another one forgetting we don’t have a one child policy! I guess all the mums having a second or later child can just struggle through their exhaustion as they don’t really exist.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 11:40

@SleepingStandingUp

Thinking back I do not think I ever got a lie in, I just saw it as part of being a mum. I also did all the housework and cooking that's the whole problem perfectly surmised.
If only we could all be heroic martyrs who think becoming a mum means you’re a robot not a person. I can’t be though, not in my psyche. Husband wanted our children too, husband can help with our children and our life.
Neverrains · 15/08/2021 11:42

@StarfishDish

My husband works Mon-Fri. We agreed that id do the night feeds Mon-Thurs as he leaves for work at 5am (he works over an hour away) and gets home at 5pm. Friday and Saturday, he did the night feeds.

Its what works best but personally, I don't think the working parent should do nigut feeds as they cant nap during the day.

What would I do with my other children while I nap?
NatalieH2220 · 15/08/2021 11:43

I've always done the night feeds. My husband works long hours plus an hour commute each way and I'd honestly prefer I was tired over him so it works for us. We've had two pretty good sleepers so perhaps I wouldn't be so understanding if the night feeds lasted more than the first few months. I still deal with any wake ups now but I couldn't sleep anyway until I know they'd settled so no point us both being up.

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 15/08/2021 11:44

So is the parent saying that the SAHP isn’t ‘working’? I hate this attitude from people, because that person at home is working hard and deserves some time off. Perhaps the SAHP should get a job and then the person working from home will see what it’s like when there isn’t someone at home keeping things ticking over.

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 15/08/2021 11:45

*working outside the home

StarfishDish · 15/08/2021 11:45

@timeisnotaline Who said anything about a one child policy? My post was from my experience and as my husband has to drive for at least 1 hour to work and 1 hour home and his job is VERY manual, I think its easier for me to TRY and sleep during the day. I have one child but I know many mothers who have more than one and still TRY and sleep in the day.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 11:45

@NatalieH2220 how would you feel about that if it meant you never got any sleep at all before 2am at the earliest, often more like 4am for about 7 months? And your toddler gets up at about 6am for the day.

I don’t understand anyone who doesn’t say it depends on the baby and the family situation for these questions.

Neverrains · 15/08/2021 11:46

[quote StarfishDish]@timeisnotaline Who said anything about a one child policy? My post was from my experience and as my husband has to drive for at least 1 hour to work and 1 hour home and his job is VERY manual, I think its easier for me to TRY and sleep during the day. I have one child but I know many mothers who have more than one and still TRY and sleep in the day.[/quote]
I think it would be fairly neglectful to nap while a toddler is running round. They could get into all sorts of trouble.

StarfishDish · 15/08/2021 11:47

@Neverrains I think it would also be bad if I let my husband drive the one hour on the motorway, feeling tired if he'd been up doing night feeds too.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 11:49

@StarfishDish there is nothing ‘in my experience’ about your statement I don't think the working parent should do nigut feeds as they cant nap during the day.
Maybe if you’d said in my case I could sleep during the day when baby napped so I could do all the night feeds. You made a general comment about everyone instead. And it makes me mad because I think of all the fragile mums out there barely getting through the day reading this and being told suck it up buttercup, sleep deprivation is a known form of torture to break people but you should do all the night feeds because you’re a mum. When you’re in that boat you’re too tired to be rational. You don’t know how to bring it up with your dh as you can’t tell if you’re overreacting because you know your brain isn’t working and don’t want to say something marriage ending that you might think the biggest mistake of your life in a year when you have some sleep. This message is so harmful to these women.

Neverrains · 15/08/2021 11:52

[quote StarfishDish]@Neverrains I think it would also be bad if I let my husband drive the one hour on the motorway, feeling tired if he'd been up doing night feeds too.[/quote]
But that’s your circumstances. My DH doesn’t have to drive an hour to work and back, doesn’t do a manual job and I have more than one child. So he did some night feeds.

You said I don't think the working parent should do nigut feeds as they cant nap during the day… why would you say that other parents with different circumstances to you ‘should’ do it now you do it in your particular circumstances?

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