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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the parent at home with the baby should do night feeds..

262 replies

bluevelvets · 14/08/2021 12:27

When other parent is working outside home from six am to four pm but then said parent takes over completely until bedtime ?

OP posts:
AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 14/08/2021 18:25

[quote Rabbitheadlights]@findahouse21

Yes being at home isn't easy, but it's not mentally taxing like work.

Are you serious??[/quote]
How is being at home with a baby mentally taxing?

I don't think I engaged by brain at all on mat leave and I don't think I missed any vital areas of baby rearing.

getsomehelp · 14/08/2021 18:35

My husbands job provided the income we all lived off.
It was a walk in the park compared to my SAHM "job" with multiple DC.

Just saying

Askingforfriend · 14/08/2021 18:41

We did shifts. DH could go to sleep really early and I stayed up as late as I could. It meant we both got at least five hours of mostly uninterrupted sleep

8dpwoah · 14/08/2021 18:49

@Goldbar

The thing that interests me is whether men who have done very little for their babies during maternity leave suddenly change their ways and split things 50/50 when the mum goes back to work.

Or is it just men who can't work full-time and care for children (including dealing with night wakings)?

Again depends on the baby I guess, we were down to a feed when we went to bed and another one in the night by the time I went back to work (she was only 9 months too) so it was quite doable for me to carry on doing that one wake-up per night. DP would get up and do breakfast with her so I could wake up slowly and get ready without rushing too much in 'exchange'. As she was still napping I'd get a good chunk of sleep in over the weekend and that's when DP picked up some slack, if she woke up before I did, as she was still BF but obviously eating proper food too by then.

I do agree if she'd been hard work at night still we'd have probably had to start giving bottles and sharing the nights out a bit but one wake up/feed for me was manageable. For others it might not have been. We did also agree that if she was unsettled in the night I'd have her in bed with me and DP would go on the sofa, which helped a lot I think.

People find what works for them don't they, if you'd asked me when I was pregnant what we'd do I wouldn't have had a clue. I'm not sure how we're going to do it when the second arrives, I suspect we may mix feed this one so that both of us are able to deal with both girls in the night depending on who needs what, but I don't know yet. This one might not take to BF at all and then we really will have a whole new ball game to learn about!

igelkott2021 · 14/08/2021 18:49

I agree with you OP. When I was on maternity leave I "protected" my DH during the week. Fortunately ds tended to sleep through anyway but if he had not, I would have got up and let DH sleep as he had to go to work and I didn't. DH did do the last feed at around 10pm though.

I really can't see why this is remotely controversial.

Toodlydoo · 14/08/2021 18:49

Being at home all day with a baby is the most exhausting thing I have done and I had previously regularly worked from 8am to 10pm. I would have dropped dead if my DH hadn’t taken over some of the night feeds. I couldn’t sleep during the day and my Dd liked being walked around in circles constantly.

Also even if someone is able to catnap they don’t get a solid block of sleep, sleeping for half an hour or an hour chunks over a 24 hr period would drive anyone insane.

I suggest the parent who feels they shouldn’t do any night feeds takes over for a week while their partner goes out for the day and come home and has a nice full sleep. See how much work partner likes it.

Lulu1919 · 14/08/2021 19:55

@AliasGrape

Meh, I think every couple/ family should do what works for them.

We did shifts, everyone got a decent chunk of sleep and it worked for us.

That's what we did too
colajay11 · 14/08/2021 20:02

Our baby is 6 months and exclusively breastfed and I’ve done every single night time wake up since day one. My husband sleeps in the spare room. He will usually get up with baby one day at the weekend at 7am and then I let him have a lie in on the other day. Works well for us as means I can co sleep and everyone gets more rest (plus he’s so grumpy on broken sleep) - I cope fine.

The way I see it, it’s my job right now while on maternity leave.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2021 20:10

I had no choice after baby number 1, because the elder siblings had to be taken to the places they needed to be. Like school. I said many not all. Lots of parents live within a mile or so of school or on a bus route. But yes, if you're driving miles on the school run early every morning that should be factored into the "who sleeps when" plan

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2021 20:12

I suggest the parent who feels they shouldn’t do any night feeds takes over for a week while their partner goes out for the day and come home and has a nice full sleep. See how much work partner likes it. Does that include the parent now at home having 3-4 hours every day to hang out woth friends or family or relax on a long walk etc whilst the other parent does a day at work then comes home and has the baby alone for 4 hours?

bubblebath62636 · 14/08/2021 20:32

Like pp said it depends what works for people.

DD2 is 8 weeks, i do night feeds then go back to bed in the morning for a few hours if DH is off work. He also does night feeds when he has a few days off.

Otherwise when DH is working MIL comes around and watches baby so I can get a nap in. She also makes bottles, tidies around etc.

DD2 is 12 so more or less sorts herself out/entertains herself unless we go out for the day.

Hoping for a DC3 in the near future so my naps may be out the window 😂

bubblebath62636 · 14/08/2021 20:34

colajay11 What about your lie in? You deserve some unbroken sleep too!

Cheeseplantboots · 14/08/2021 20:35

Every situation is different. My husband worked, I didn’t. All mine were breastfed so I did night feeds. There’s no way I’d expect him to get up in the night and then do a full days work the next day.

C0c01823 · 14/08/2021 20:42

Personally I think no, this should be shared, sleep deprivation is a killer. This might be doable with one but imagine having more than one child to look after, so 2 children for 12 or more hours per day and then all night. My job can be tough but honestly I find parenting all day is harder, I have alot less time to myself and is alot longer than any job!

Muma1992 · 14/08/2021 20:51

@DixonD

I agree with you OP. Why should the parent who is going to work have to get up in the night? The parent who will be home all day the next day should do the night feeds, as they can catch up on sleep in the day if they want. Why anyone would think otherwise is quite frankly selfish and beyond me. Would anyone really want their other half driving when sleep deprived?

I did every single night feed for ours. I wouldn’t have it any other way; I certainly did not feel aggrieved because my husband didn’t do any. He was going off to work the next day.

And even more shocking, I did all the housework and cooked him dinner for when he got home! 🤣

I would love to nap in the day whilst my baby naps, but unfortunately I can't do the washing when she does the washing, or cooking when she cooks, or cleaning when she cleans Grin

My othe half can share the night shifts, his baby too!

Toodlydoo · 14/08/2021 20:51

@SleepingStandingUp

I suggest the parent who feels they shouldn’t do any night feeds takes over for a week while their partner goes out for the day and come home and has a nice full sleep. See how much work partner likes it. Does that include the parent now at home having 3-4 hours every day to hang out woth friends or family or relax on a long walk etc whilst the other parent does a day at work then comes home and has the baby alone for 4 hours?
Didn’t read update! But no, down time should be shared.
JaggedLittlePilI · 14/08/2021 20:57

@TheValeyard

If one parent has to drive to and from work the next day then, from personal experience, being sleep deprived is an unbelievably bad idea.
Yet many, many women have to do this daily when they return to work after 9 months...
IsItWorthTheHassle · 14/08/2021 21:01

In theory, I’d say it should be 50/50. At the very least 50/50 at the weekend and hols.

In reality, I never managed to achieve that. But we did organise ourselves so that I went to bed very early (around 8.00am) more or less at the same time than dc and DH would do the night feed until 12.00am.it was giving me a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

IsItWorthTheHassle · 14/08/2021 21:02

Also I think it depends on how people cope with little sleep.
I do NOT cope well (I knew that before hand!) so DH being involved was non negociable.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 14/08/2021 21:03

I would expect the SAHM if on maternity leave, to do the very large majority of the night feeds. Once they are back to work, I would expect it to be shared.

whatthejiggeries · 14/08/2021 21:03

If someone is working it should not be 50/50. We did weekends one night each and DP did the week because I was working. I wouldn't have been able to do my job if I was sleep deprived and that would affect the whole family

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 14/08/2021 21:05

The fundamental problem with only one person doing night feeds because they're off work is that it doesn't usually change when they return to work. They always did it, thats been their row for months and in too many households it just naturally continues. Then you have a woman (let's just face it it is always the woman) knackered, doing night feeds then going to work the next day. Something her OH was too busy/precious to do all those months ago.

Greenbuttonsbluebuttons · 14/08/2021 21:08

I’ve done every single night feed, I’ve also been back at work since dc was 3 months old. But dc is breastfed so no choice if I wanted to carry on bf which I did.
Works for us, which is what’s most important.

Pissinthepottyplease · 14/08/2021 21:14

@AliasGrape

Meh, I think every couple/ family should do what works for them.

We did shifts, everyone got a decent chunk of sleep and it worked for us.

This. Surely it’s down the individual family choices and their individual situations.
Mayorquimby2 · 14/08/2021 21:14

It's fucking ludicrous that the sahp gets to clock off completely when the other gets home.

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