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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the parent at home with the baby should do night feeds..

262 replies

bluevelvets · 14/08/2021 12:27

When other parent is working outside home from six am to four pm but then said parent takes over completely until bedtime ?

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 14/08/2021 21:15

YABU just in sense there is no rule and that is not the right thing for every couple.

For example I worked FT and breastfed exclusively. So I did ALL the night feeds while working 12hr days. DH was a FT university student at the time and the DCs got expressed breast milk in the day while he was with them. But when I got home, he had nights to attend class, study and do homework.

Neither of us got much sleep!

So really the right thing depends on the couple and what works for them. There is no rule that whoever is home in day does night feeds.

sharksarecool · 14/08/2021 21:17

I think a lot depends on whether there are also other children. If it's just a baby then in theorythe SAHP can catch up on done slerp during the day. But if the SAHP is dealing with a toddler as well as a baby then both parents are working all day, even if only one of them is leaving the house and being paid

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 14/08/2021 21:24

@Mayorquimby2

It's fucking ludicrous that the sahp gets to clock off completely when the other gets home.
I more ludicrous than someone thinking they can come hone and give or take family time and contributing to family life just because the other person is a SAHP
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 14/08/2021 21:24

*NO more ludicrous

JustLyra · 14/08/2021 21:30

@Mayorquimby2

It's fucking ludicrous that the sahp gets to clock off completely when the other gets home.
If the SAHP has to do all the night stuff, then be on duty all day then when else do they get a break?

There were times with my youngest when counting the minutes for DH to get in has been the only thing that kept me going. Some children are considerably harder than some jobs.

21Bee · 14/08/2021 21:31

I did the majority of the night feeds but my husbands job means he has to be alert as other people’s safety is reliant on him making the right decisions. He did however help if it was a particularly taxing night and always did one night at the weekend.

YouMeandtheSpew · 14/08/2021 21:33

Whatever works and depends on so many variables - including but not limited to how the baby’s fed, its age, how it sleeps, the number of other children in the house, etc. If the mother’s EBF and not pumping then presumably she’ll do the night feeds. That’s how it worked for us but my DH still recognised that he needed to pull his weight in other ways and that he wasn’t necessarily entitled to 8 hours unbroken sleep.

maddening · 14/08/2021 21:33

That is what we did, and on the weekend I had lie ins (dh is an early riser anyway). Ds did not sleep through till over 2 but in the thick of it I only got real sleep from 8 till midnight and took over at night so dh could sleep 12-7.

shinynewapple21 · 14/08/2021 21:47

Depends on individual circumstances. I breastfed and slept with DS in the nursery . Whilst DS woke a couple of times in the night , after a feed around 6 am we would both go back to sleep until 9.30/ 10.00 .

Mulhollandmagoo · 14/08/2021 22:10

No, I think the working parent should do some night feeds, unbroken sleep consistently would be debilitating. My husband used to do the night feeds on the nights where he wasn't working the next day, he worked 4 12hr days at the time so he had four nights of full sleep and I had three

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2021 22:20

If the SAHP has to do all the night stuff, then be on duty all day then when else do they get a break? it doesnt sound like she's up for hours at a time given shes not napping in the day or when DP gets home. Certainly doesn't sound like she's getting 3-4 hours less than him every night.

Purpleweeks · 14/08/2021 22:22

Depends how much work the baby is during the day and night, some babies are pretty easy while others are exhausting. Also no one parent should do nights 7 days a week, unless through breastfeeding.

Hankunamatata · 14/08/2021 22:24

Meh. Totally depends on situation

Bex268 · 14/08/2021 22:51

@DixonD 🤔 it’s 2021! We don’t need to do f*ing everything anymore.

Cam2020 · 14/08/2021 23:23

Depends on what job the working parent does. A driving job or brain surgeon - they definitely need sleep! Equally, if they are not able to function or do their job properly on little sleep and are the breadwinner, then they need sleep.

I could never sleep during the day (or wanted to waste my baby free time), so I always went to bed early, while DP did the late shift with baby so I had a fair few good hours before getting up again. Different people have different body clocks and you find a way to make it work.

CorianderBee · 15/08/2021 02:08

No that's not fair. That would mean the working parent has a normal sleep pattern and life while the SAHP either lives on broken sleep EVERY NIGHT or has to sleep at 4pm and basically become nocturnal and have no life outside of baby.

That would drive anyone mad.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 03:07

Obviously it depends. If baby almost never sleeps for more than 20 mins (happened to mine) and there’s a toddler who doesn’t nap during the day then only a nasty awful monster who shouldnt be allowed near children would expect their 8 hours because ‘they work’. If baby sleeps all night with one half hour wake up then the working partner shouldn’t do the night wake. Isn’t this kind of obvious - share it out fairly?

MissTrip82 · 15/08/2021 05:05

@SpnBaby1967

Eh?

Both parents, are, well, parents! Both can do all "duties" related to having a child irrelevant of working outside the home etc.

I think the only time there may be an argument is if sleep deprivation would be dangerous to their job, lorry drivers, emergency response drivers to think of a couple but even then that is not a black and white situation.

I note the OP has not come back. Didnt get the answer they wanted clearly

This is true but one of the duties of being a parent is providing financially for your child. We accept this duty being predominantly carried by one parent for a period, so it follows other duties can be also.

For us we split it. We both worked, in similar demanding jobs (not the kind that are easier than caring for one baby……) and so nobody could pull the ‘more tired than you’ card. We had to work it out so we both got enough sleep to function with literal lives at stake.

This is what everyone needs to do, but how it works won’t be the same for everybody.

I’d hate to think anyone would let their partner become exhausted whilst they enjoyed a full night’s sleep regularly.

Greytminds · 15/08/2021 05:27

@MissTrip82 thing is it isn’t always the man who is still working who is solely providing financially for his child.

In our house I earn more than double what my husband earns (despite being part-time) so even if I take a whole year off on maternity leave I’m providing as much as he is. Never has my higher salary dictated that he be the one doing all the housework and childcare! Sometimes he picks up the slack when my hours are longer, but it’s all give and take, and teamwork.

For me personally, work is a million times easier than looking after a baby, I found maternity leave exhausting and hard work. Yes there were coffees and time spent watching Netflix but it was being on duty 100% of the time. I used to spend the last hour of the day watching out the window for DH counting down the minutes till he got back.

I’d be hesitant to abide by any ‘rule’ that could leave one person sleep deprived and mentally struggling. I did do all the night wakes due to EBF and I know that we will have to find away to mitigate the impact of that with our second as I did really struggle at times.

loulous1985 · 15/08/2021 07:42

@Goldbar

I'm amazed at all these fathers who think it's fine for their wives/partners who may only have slept a couple of hours a night for months on end to drive their children around? Do they not care about their children's safety?

Most of us can deal with a couple of nights' broken sleep. It's the cumulative effect of night after night of never sleeping more than a few hours which destroys you. Imagine going through that and the person who is meant to love you and have your back just lets you endure it and does nothing.

This

Bunnycat101 · 15/08/2021 07:57

When I was on mat leave I did night feeds during the working week and then my husband would do a Friday or Saturday. Tbh I woke up anyway as have always been a very light sleeper. For me, there is a massive difference having to work and commute versus pottering around the house and going to baby classes. Was harder with my second as there is no respite during the days that my eldest was at home.

loulous1985 · 15/08/2021 08:16

For me, there is a massive difference having to work and commute versus pottering around the house

That very much depends on whether you define looking after a baby as work, or as "pottering about the house" (the latter sounds genuinely lovely and relaxing tbh, wish it was my experience of being home with a baby)

DaisyWaldron · 15/08/2021 08:34

That's not really the right way to look at things.

Both parents should be getting roughly equal amounts of sleep/opportunities to sleep.

Both parents should be getting roughly equal opportunities for physical care (washing, grooming, exercise, eating, drinking).

Both parents should be getting roughly equal opportunities for hobbies, friendships and leisure time.

And in households where there is a SAHP but both of them want to have an equal relationship, both parents should have the opportunity to develop the skills and knowledge needed to look after the baby without help, and both should have the opportunity to develop skills and knowledge to develop their earning potential.

How those things get sorted out depend on where you live, what you earn, what sort of support you have from other people, what jobs you do, how many other responsibilities you have, how much the baby sleeps, how much care and attention the baby needs.

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2021 08:39

That very much depends on whether you define looking after a baby as work, or as "pottering about the house" (the latter sounds genuinely lovely and relaxing tbh, wish it was my experience of being home with a baby)

Indeed. Some babies are really hard work, and some jobs are quite easy. What generally isn't healthy is one person having broken sleep every single night.

SheABitSpicyToday · 15/08/2021 08:44

Im a Night owl and my husband is an early bird. So I’ll be on shift till about 3am, husband takes over after as he had to be up at 5am for work anyway.