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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 13/08/2021 10:38

Hi OP. Firstly, HUGE congratulations to your DD and a massive hats off to you for keeping everything together whilst your recovering SmileThanks

Your post though - is there any back story here with your DM? Her response is not only hugely unreasonable - does she need a PA to keep up with her grandchildren and their life?! - but massively disproportionate too.

Nothing helpful to advise other than carry on as you are and ignore her drama.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 13/08/2021 10:38

Wow, that's a weird reaction.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 13/08/2021 10:39

Is she incapable of picking up the phone herself?! YANBU.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:40

The back story is that she has never ever forgiven me for moving away.

OP posts:
PheasantsNest · 13/08/2021 10:40

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.

PerkingFaintly · 13/08/2021 10:41

Oh good lord, sounds like you're running round after the whole world at the moment. And this at a time (post-surgery) when other people should be running round looking after you.

And now your mother has decided you should do her thinking for her, too. And is throwing a strop at not being the centre of the universe.

You must be absolutely exhausted.

Flowers
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:41

Because I moved away, I am expected to do the visiting/running around to try and make up what I have done. She never calls me, I have to call her or we don't speak. I have to visit them, or we don't see them.

OP posts:
Chocolatebuttercream · 13/08/2021 10:42

What do you get out of the relationship OP? I'd be tempted to go low contact.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:43

I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you

I assumed she knew and remembered and had contacted dd herself! It was only by the time we got to the evening I realised she hadn't messaged me with the good news.

Surely the onus is on her to contact dd? She is an adult and we only spoke about it two days before!!!!!

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 13/08/2021 10:43

Your daughter is 18.
Your mother is in her 60s.

Why is it your responsibility to pass communication between two adults perfectly capable of doing it themselves?

Your mother needs to belt up and your daughter should step up.

And you should point out that you aren't their secretary.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:44

My dc talk to my parents quite regularly themselves by text and whatsapp. I assumed they had spoken!

OP posts:
HermioneKipper · 13/08/2021 10:44

Oh I’m sorry to hear this OP. Not sure how your mum can have missed this given it was all over the news and the papers. Sounds like she was looking for a reason to have a go at you as she’s still upset that you moved away.

Could she not have offered to come and stay while you recovered? Sounds like it’s really tough trying to deal with everything and get over an op. Just take a step back and focus on your recovery Flowers

takealettermsjones · 13/08/2021 10:45

She is hugely overreacting and I'd tell her so.

Many people move away from their families for various reasons. If she wants to drive you even further away, she's going the right way about it.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:46

Yes red they are not 4&5.

My dd in all fairness was comforting some of her friends that did not do so well. She was also caught up with celebrating with the ones that did well. I don't think she even thought about it. It was a very overwhelming day. Her bf attempted suicide three weeks ago, she has had a lot on her plate.

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/08/2021 10:47

@RedToothBrush

Your daughter is 18. Your mother is in her 60s.

Why is it your responsibility to pass communication between two adults perfectly capable of doing it themselves?

Your mother needs to belt up and your daughter should step up.

And you should point out that you aren't their secretary.

Well exactly. And it's not been a secret that it was results day this week either. My mum would know because she WhatsApps her grandchildren. I don't get involved in facilitating their relationship any more because they're teenagers.
CliffordMystery · 13/08/2021 10:47

I think everyone seems a bit hysterical in this a description. “You’ve broken my heart” is an overreaction, but I can see her point.

If I knew that someone close to me had important exam results coming that they were worried about, I wouldn’t be texting them to ask until they texted me as if they didn’t get what they wanted they might not be in the mood for questions/might be busy trying to sort things out etc. I’d wait for when they wanted to tell me.

I don’t think someone outside of a direct family with results due should be necessarily expected to remember what day they are either. Not everyone even watches the news or reads newspapers.

I’m sure you could have found literally 30 seconds to text her the results earlier in the day.

What do you mean by “knackered and sore?”

She is BU to not speak to you, but you both sound like hard work to be honest.

Clymene · 13/08/2021 10:48

Sorry x post. So your mum does talk to your children? Honestly, it sounds like she forgot it was results day and has decided to shift the blame onto you

CasaBonita · 13/08/2021 10:48

Sounds like she is using this as yet another excuse to punish you for moving away.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 13/08/2021 10:49

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
ConfusedConfused

Or DM could text and ask?

Crikey if this is enough to tell someone you don't cate about them how the hell do some people make it through the day?

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:49

Sounds like she was looking for a reason to have a go at you as she’s still upset that you moved away

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

OP posts:
PheasantsNest · 13/08/2021 10:50

Your mum might have upset your DD if she hadn't done so well. I've always thought it was up to the parents to text family. I had two DC getting results this week and managed to text family straight away.

Shurl · 13/08/2021 10:50

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
Bullshit.

Perhaps by not remembering and texting, the grandma has showed how unimportant her granddaughter's results are to her?!

notaladyinred · 13/08/2021 10:50

Great news that she's no longer talking to you, I'd say. Just put her out of your mind until she apologises.

AintPageantMaterial · 13/08/2021 10:51

Tell her off! “Mother, you are being petulant and rude. You are a grown woman and you cannot reasonably believe that it is my responsibility to remind you on a Thursday about something that was discussed at length on Sunday. Plenty of Families manage to thrive happily whilst living much farther apart than we do. You were not somehow wronged because we moved house. We are both adults with equal responsibility in maintaining our relationship.”

PacificState · 13/08/2021 10:51

I've got a very good relationship with my dad (as do my kids). He was the second person I told about my kids' results this week (both GCSEs and A Levels in this house). He knew the results about 10 minutes after I did. He's in his 80s and might not have remembered to proactively ask.

BUT, and it's a HUGE BUT, he's an incredibly supportive, loving dad and granddad and we're in touch with him several times a week.

In your case, this isn't really about the results. It's not about whose responsibility it is to pick up the phone. It's not even about you moving away. It's that you have a bad relationship with your mum - maybe it's her fault (her response here does sound completely mad), maybe it's both of you. But that's the bit that needs unpicking. The drama over the results this week is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

Huge congrats to your DD and sympathy on you having to recover from surgery - that's always difficult and draining, let alone having exam stress and work on top. You're entitled to feel knackered and emotional!