'You have broken my heart'

[stepupandbecounted]

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Honestly, I think your DD should have texted her grandparents. They will have felt strongly that she didnt even think to text them all day. Mine lived 150 miles away as a child, I had some disappointment with both GCSEs and a-levels (and other shit going on) but rang mine within 2 hours in both cases and that was when mobile phones were more basic & my grandparents didnt have one.

2 hours!! Good grief, it should have been done within 5 minutes.....

Your mum is being very unreasonable and I can relate in that if I don't chase my mum, I don't see or hear from her. It gets exhausting!
Your daughter is a teenager who has just got A level results and a uni place. She did not have to contact her grandparents right away. I'm sure she was elated and as you said, consoling friends who maybe didn't do so well. They have done A levels through lockdown and I'm sure the need to celebrate is all the more important for them.
Your mother is a grown woman and if you have given her the date, it's up to her to contact her, not to start verbally and emotionally abusing you for not doing it. It's tough when your mum gets on like this and like I said I honestly understand.
And massive congratulations to your daughter!

@stepupandbecounted

Twenty years ago she turned up to my wedding in her own wedding dress because her own wedding was not what she wanted at the time, having lost two stone and told me I was looking 'big' on my the morning of my wedding.

Why I am still constantly surprised at her behaviour after that is my own fault. I will never learn.

If this isn't narcissistic then I don't know what is.
She will never change.

The more you post the more evil she sounds. She wore her own wedding dress to your wedding and told you you looked fat? WTAF!

Huge well done on deleting WhatsApp and enjoy going NC with her. Love your best life and enjoy your kids and knowing you’d never treat them in the same way.

The concept of a middle aged woman turning up to her daughter's wedding in her own wedding dress is rather sad. Surely every guest present would just have thought she was weird, attention-seeking or both?

It is your parents responsibility to contact your daughter.

However, if my daughter had amazing results, I would be phoning my mum immediately to tell her!

@Terhou

The concept of a middle aged woman turning up to her daughter's wedding in her own wedding dress is rather sad. Surely every guest present would just have thought she was weird, attention-seeking or both?

If that happened at a wedding I think it would cause laughter and then obviously real sorrow for the real bride.

Most would think the mother of the bride to be utterly batshit.

I really hope the OP puts some serious emotional distance between her and her mother, thankfully she is physically distant.

@Terhou

The concept of a middle aged woman turning up to her daughter's wedding in her own wedding dress is rather sad. Surely every guest present would just have thought she was weird, attention-seeking or both?

Anyone except the bride turning up in a bridal gown is very weird and inappropriate . I’m not sure it’s to do with the persons age . It’s not like it would be ok if she was 25 .

Tell her thanks for all the help she gave you after your recent surgery and while you were suffering from gallstones. Remark that it's really a blessing to have parents who are healthy, able bodied, and willing to go the extra mile.

Wish them a happy life.

Just saw the wedding dress post.

You have absolutely nothing to lose here.

@stepupandbecounted
My maternal grandparents were like this: they never forgave my mother for moving away and engineered her sister to be the favoured child (my aunt was a fairly big disaster area, so it was a deliberate snubbing). My mother was a gentle and kind woman who adored her family and took a great deal of snide unkindness, which we all could see and tried not to mention.

She found it almost impossible to break away until after their parents had died, my aunt finally behaved so badly that their relationship was utterly broken. After my mother died my aunt was beside herself with regret that my mother had not effected a reconciliation (!), but by that time none of us had any real wish to re-engage with her.

My point is that some people either enjoy being cruel or spiteful, or are so hard-wired to being so that there's no motivation to change. You could move back next door, but you'd still be subject to, "You moved away once, you'll desert me again any time I need you ...". If your only function was to be a domestic servant to your mother in her increasing old age, you could put yourself on the market and be a paid carer for an elderly woman (or man) who'd actually appreciate you.

Don't waste the rest of your life and your family's enjoyment on someone whose disappointments in life are projected onto you. That way lies madness. All good wishes to you.

Hi OP. Is there an update for your thread? X

This post is almost 5 years old!