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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
RuthW · 13/08/2021 12:19

She's in the wrong for not contacting her grand daughter to see how things went.

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:20

Congrats to your dd rather!

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:20

DM has been working really hard to try and make us move back, but dc like it here and don't want to move. It is always a bone of contention.

I would never put conditions and expectations like this on my own dc. It sometimes feels like she 'owns me' I can't really explain it, she makes me feel bad for being happy here, she gets sulky whenever I talk about it in a positive way, so I never speak about anything but her life, because it gets her back up if I do.

I have learnt to literally silence most of my life and not share it with her.

When I need surgery or medical care, I usually tell her afterwards, otherwise she gets hysterical on the phone crying, calling my husband every five minutes telling him what a terrible worry I am to her, calling the ward and crying down the phone to the sister telling them I am not replying (I was in theatre) It was so embarrassing. I am 48.

I have totally stopped telling her how difficult things are, or what hurts me because she weaponises it against me and either tells me its my own fault because I moved here or that I am hurting HER because she worries (her idea of worrying is usually to get straight on the phone and tell her friends about her latest drama unfolding) and she never offers help or real empathy. I am just fodder for her friends to gossip about or I am inconvenient and a nuisance.

There is never any genuine emotion.

OP posts:
Summerbreeze4 · 13/08/2021 12:21

I think you should have left your parents know her results in the morning as soon as she recieved them. Waiting until 7pm in the evening does seem like a bit of an after thought. I appreciate you are busy and recovering but you could have asked your daughter to txt or ring them.
It shouldn’t really be for them to ring up to find out how she’d done and easy for old people to forget which day it is, she’s obviously upset she hasn’t been able to congratulate your daughter, get a card in the post? Feel part of her special day.

Fernando072020 · 13/08/2021 12:22

Yanbu but I honestly think your daughter is. She was able to call her friends but not her grandparents?
Whenever I got my grades, I was the one letting all my family know. I texted immediately then spoke to my friends. This one's on your daughter and I can see why you're mum is upset at being left out. How is she supposed to know when the results come in? Maybe she didn't want to keep texting/calling to ask when everyone is nervously awaiting?

You have not been unreasonable as it wasn't your responsibility to pass on the info

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:22

How very sad.
I recommend the book toxic parents by Susan forward and the stately homes thread on mn.
For now just enjoy the peace ☺

Hankunamatata · 13/08/2021 12:22

The first thing my parents did was tell me to ring grandma when I got my results 🤷‍♀️

Fernando072020 · 13/08/2021 12:23

Your mum*

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:23

@Summerbreeze4

I think you should have left your parents know her results in the morning as soon as she recieved them. Waiting until 7pm in the evening does seem like a bit of an after thought. I appreciate you are busy and recovering but you could have asked your daughter to txt or ring them. It shouldn’t really be for them to ring up to find out how she’d done and easy for old people to forget which day it is, she’s obviously upset she hasn’t been able to congratulate your daughter, get a card in the post? Feel part of her special day.
Old???? They are 60!!!
Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:24

Results day was ALL OVER the radio, TV news and papers

The point is her mother does not feel she should make an effort.

It's all very one way...

ChargingBuck · 13/08/2021 12:25

Surely the onus is on her to contact dd? She is an adult and we only spoke about it two days before!!!!!

Yes it is - but that would ruin the passive-aggressive little trap she has set for you.
So next time she starts on at you to bleat "you didn;t remind me! my heart is broken" etc - you have the perfect comeback:
"Mother, I reminded you 2 days ago so stop inventing nonsense.
Now, are you going to be happy for DD, or sulk & ruin your own day?"

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:25

Yanbu but I honestly think your daughter is. She was able to call her friends but not her grandparents?

I don't think it occurred to dd as to be fair, she was in shock this was not the results were expecting, we had prepared for the worst. She cried for a solid half an hour with relief, and was all over the place. Once the calls came in from her friends she was packing and getting ready. She is young, and she isn't that close to my parents sadly. I don't think she likes them very much.

OP posts:
Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:26

@stepupandbecounted

Yanbu but I honestly think your daughter is. She was able to call her friends but not her grandparents?

I don't think it occurred to dd as to be fair, she was in shock this was not the results were expecting, we had prepared for the worst. She cried for a solid half an hour with relief, and was all over the place. Once the calls came in from her friends she was packing and getting ready. She is young, and she isn't that close to my parents sadly. I don't think she likes them very much.

Ha! I wonder why!???
SingingInTheShithouse · 13/08/2021 12:26

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

With that sort of 'me, me, me" narcissistic guilt trip crap, I'd say that's a result

(& I had a DM who could be just like that)

kateluvscats · 13/08/2021 12:27

I know I'm missing the point of this whole thread but you haven't had your bile duct removed, have you had gallstones removed from it?

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:27

Honestly, enjoy the peace and quiet.

Focus on your dd and recovering from your surgery.

Don't let this Mar a happy time for you and your dd

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2021 12:27

At. 48 you are far too old for this shit. I found therapy incredibly helpful. Cannot recommend it enough.

I also think you should have a think about the learnt martyr in you. Driving your kids around just after surgery because you don’t have transport links isn’t sustainable.

I also have had the same sort of parenting and an inner martyr. With the help of my therapist, I taught my mother how to treat me. When I had major surgery I had to ask for help from other parents.

Your dcs are going out, I presume with other teens. Can’t their parents ferry yours around? And a couple of weeks home isn’t going to kill them. Or walking a fair distance if safe. They have one another for company plus imagine smart phones.

bookh · 13/08/2021 12:29

God this is my mother completely. Except my golden brother and sister moved away and I'm the bloody fall guy for every single thing for them and my DC.

I would almost be tempted to be completely passive aggressive and message something like

I'm a bit worried about you mum. Dd says you didn't remember it was exam day until evening despite her telling you a few days ago....plus you were very rude to me when you know I'm very unwell, are you feeling ok? Would you like me to accompany you to the doctor.

But I'm just cross today anyway!

Hope you get a rest OP.

ChargingBuck · 13/08/2021 12:29

What do you mean by “knackered and sore?”

Well @CliffordMystery, if you weren't so intent on "seeing the point" of a histionic madwoman, you might just have managed to pick up on the fact that OP has just had gall bladder & bile duct surgery.

So a few more things to worry about & recover from than usual - despite which, she managed to remind her mother about the exam results 2 days ago. It's the mother's own fault that she forgot (my betting is she didn't, but couldn't resist finding another stick to beat OP with).

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:29

My dd thinks my mother is a covert narcissist and absolutely hates any kind of drama, so she isn't likely to make a big deal out of her results, she is a very reserved young person, and not one to send messages to anyone about her achievements.

OP posts:
tinselvestsparklepants · 13/08/2021 12:31

There's a book on adult children of emotionally immature parents which is very useful on this....

MzHz · 13/08/2021 12:31

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Result! Enjoy the silence

Let her stew!

WhenPushComesToShove · 13/08/2021 12:32

I think you have the right idea; less time/ energy allowing your toxic mother to cut you down is so much better for you and a much better example to your kids. Save yourself and save your kids from tolerating this destructive force in your life. Let her sulk 'til kingdom come

Clymene · 13/08/2021 12:33

@stepupandbecounted

My dd thinks my mother is a covert narcissist and absolutely hates any kind of drama, so she isn't likely to make a big deal out of her results, she is a very reserved young person, and not one to send messages to anyone about her achievements.
Not so covert!
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:33

learnt martyr in you

Yes I think you have a point, when I get busy I am not paying enough attention to that. I do see that could be the case. Some days when I haven't time to brush my hair or whatever, I think what am I doing? People are just going to have to wait. Dd's friends live in the town, and I don't know the parents very well at all. Certainly not enough to ask them for lifts etc. I could have taken it easy, and I could have let them get on with things at home, but they get bored and argue - its easier to drive tbf.

OP posts: