'You have broken my heart'

[stepupandbecounted]

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

Don't respond now. It won't do anything but raise your blood pressure. She's clearly whipped herself up in to a frenzy of self justification.

Give yourself some time off. Tackle it next week (if you feel you have to tackle it at all).

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me

Take this as a gift OP and respect her wishes by leaving her to her sulking. I can't imagine not helping a family member after surgery if it was any way possible to. I have less than ideal relationships with some of my family, but when they are ill or need care the least I do is turn up with a few dinners to make life easier for them.

@stepupandbecounted

AintPageantMaterial spot on!

I am trying not to feel angry with her for being rude to me, for being so unkind but I don't need this right now. We have so much going on, I am just about keeping my head above water.

Anger is the healthy and normal reaction to her behaviour! Anger tells us when our boundaries are being violated, when someone is treating us badly. Trust your anger, don't try and squish it down.

Give yourself some breathing space from her, for your sake and your dd.

Not your job to facilitate her. Her granddaughter had told her when results day was. She should have sent a message of support/luck in the morning if she cares that much.

It actually sounds to me like she knew it was results day but was waiting for you to not contact her first so she could kick off at you.

Your mum is struggling with not being the most important person in every one's lives apparently.

Anger is the healthy and normal reaction to her behaviour!

I am angry, because this is NOT ABOUT HER This is about dd. This is dd's day and yet again she finds a way to make this all about her.

DM can not stand not to be the centre of everyone's universe.

DD had to overcome some huge challenges this year with some really big issues, this was a massive achievement for her, as it has been for all of the teens this year.

@RedToothBrush

Your daughter is 18. Your mother is in her 60s.

Why is it your responsibility to pass communication between two adults perfectly capable of doing it themselves?

Your mother needs to belt up and your daughter should step up.

And you should point out that you aren't their secretary.

This.

I am supposed to be going to Cornwall this weekend, surgery aside, and I just want to pack up the car and turn my phone off. I am so tired.

Oh OP you're so not being unreasonable and deep down you know you're not, either in what you've done/not done or being angry at her reaction. So, firstly congratulations on the good results DD. Secondly, hugs and a strong tipple for you managing all of this. Thirdly, in your situation my response would be; "DM, I'm sorry that you are upset. I'm sure you will appreciate that everything is very stressful at the moment and I am still recovering from surgery. All that aside I'm not superwoman :) I can assure you that it wasn't a personal slight on you; I assumed you and DD would have been in touch as you have a fab relationship and text each other anyway. Either way I understand you're upset and I'll give you time, am only at the end of the phone whenever you're ready but I will say I don't have the mental or emotional energy to have confrontation about this. Have a good weekend x" Kill with kindness and let her come to terms with you not jumping through her hoops

Congratulations firstly!
And it shows that your DD doesn’t have a relationship with them as she would have told them herself.
I just don’t get how tou e broken her heart moving away, I mean WTAF. You are an independent adult and I’d tell her tou were moving to NZ to enjoy their complete no visitors policy.

Celebrate with your DD. Don’t chase your mother. Never move back. She is probably smarting from not being able to tell her friends what a wonderful grandma she is controlling your life.
I still don’t get the you’ve broken her heart thing. I’ve had it from others and it’s just bizarre

Hope you have a fantastic time, you deserve it.
(Don’t forget to send your mother a postcard )

@stepupandbecounted

Anger is the healthy and normal reaction to her behaviour!

I am angry, because this is NOT ABOUT HER This is about dd. This is dd's day and yet again she finds a way to make this all about her.

DM can not stand not to be the centre of everyone's universe.

DD had to overcome some huge challenges this year with some really big issues, this was a massive achievement for her, as it has been for all of the teens this year.

You will find a lot of support on the "Well We took you to stately homes " thread on relationships. Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) is a common dynamic with parents like these

@stepupandbecounted

I am supposed to be going to Cornwall this weekend, surgery aside, and I just want to pack up the car and turn my phone off. I am so tired.

I think you should do exactly that! Mite her, enjoy your weekend, have a rest. She’s only flock to sulk and bitch anyway and act like a toddler so just ignore her and focus on you and your family.

I think after you’ve rest you also need to have a serious think about why you still feel compelled to do all the emotional and practical running after your mother because she can’t accept you moved away.

So your mother says she won’t help with any life events or surgery and the answer is always no. Please remember this when she asks to live with you or you provide care. The same answer. No.

@stepupandbecounted

Because I moved away, I am expected to do the visiting/running around to try and make up what I have done. She never calls me, I have to call her or we don't speak. I have to visit them, or we don't see them.

Well I'd be putting a stop to the phoning and visiting. She can stew in her own "beyond furious" juices and I would positively welcome her "no longer speaking to me."

Seriously, @stepupandbecounted. What does she add to your life? This passage you wrote makes it clear she deliberately adds nothing.

"She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no."

I would send one text. Just one. 'For ten years I have endured your unkindness. I may have moved away geographically but you chose to move away emotionally. You've made your bed. I'm done.'

That'll either give her a jolt, or, you'll never hear from her again. Both sound good to me.

Op you are not to blame or anything to do with this and others saying you should have sent a text are idiots, your parents ie gps are adults and if your children are getting A level results they are ALSO adults end of story, two sets of adults that are perfectly able to communicate with each other without involving or blaming you anyone who thinks otherwise are just dumb drama queens

I think I was supposed to live 5 minutes away for the rest of my life so I could be on hand for them when they are older as my brother can't be expected to compromise his career in any way.

I am on the fence on this one.

On the one hand I would have either asked my dd to let her grandparents know the results or let them know myself and I am sure they would have been on the phone straight away anyway.

However, it was an oversight and your gps are over-reacting to it. I would have expected them to have asked to be kept informed. Like you said, it is all over the news so would have expected them to make contact.

My response would be “Oh stop being so fucking melodramatic!”
I would then await further developments, at some point you have to stop enabling these people.

Oh stop being so fucking melodramatic!

I would so love to say this!!!!!

I am not brave enough, but in my dreams I say this!!

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.

That’s bull shit, if the gran was so interested she could have taken two seconds to jot it done on a piece of paper to remind her, and then taken 2 seconds to text her granddaughter to find out how it went s

Your mother is a nasty piece of work. A childish, churlish woman who blames you for her failings. You probably subconsciously moved away from her rather than to a job and rightly so. She is lazy and is using the excuse of your departure many years ago to neither parent or grandparent. She wants everyone around her to grovel and do her bidding. Please, please take this opportunity to take some peace from her silent treatment, ignore her, temporarily block her even and focus on your recovery and your wonderful children and their achievements. Your own silence will show her that her toxic tentacles haven't invaded and ruined your life for once. Well done for breaking free and being a lovely parent yourself

My mother texts constantly, for some unknown reason results day was the only day she didn't!

I don't reckon it was an accident. She was deliberately staying out of contact so that it could be your fault when you hadn't let her know straight away. She didn't forget.

My grandmother was a bit like this with my mum, except for the moving away bit. Everything had to be centred on her. Best thing my mum ever did was to take her at her word when she was having one of her 'not speaking' performative sulks rather than trying to make it up to her. She behaved better every time my mother did that.

Good for your DD and good for you! Don't let your selfish mum take the shine off a great moment for you guys. You must be so proud of her!

Thank you for your replies - I have read everyone and feel much better. I no longer think I am the daughter from hell anyway. I am doing my best for everyone, and nothing ever feels good enough. Perhaps it is time to give up and just enjoy my life for what it is - minus the drama and accusations.

@stepupandbecounted

I am supposed to be going to Cornwall this weekend, surgery aside, and I just want to pack up the car and turn my phone off. I am so tired.

Do exactly that. There’s nothing left to be said to your mum and you need the break. Just switch off and enjoy your holiday.

I wouldn’t even grace the stupid woman with a response.