'You have broken my heart'

[stepupandbecounted]

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

@Chocolatebuttercream

What do you get out of the relationship OP? I'd be tempted to go low contact.

I would send a text to say

You are welcome to ring, text & visit.

You have an equal responsibility to initiate contact -for far too long it has been me doing all of the phoning, visiting and contacting etc -you could have phoned to ask and showed an interest. Instead you gave vile abuse. This is not on -the onus is now on you to apologise and contact us going forward as the current situation can not continue.

@stepupandbecounted

That is true, they were grown women choosing to have children, and grown women choosing to pick and choose when they offer love etc. I have often had to 'nurse' my mother through various breakdowns as a child, so I do feel a weird parental responsibility.

But looking back I am not sure they were real breakdowns now I know what one actually looks like, more likely attention seeking because having kids is hard sometimes, and she needed to offload/get support/get her fix of poor me.

I am feeling so much better for reading this thread, and thank you for sharing your own feelings and experiences. I am clearly not alone, which is sad really, as we all deserve someone that loves us unconditionally and for the right reasons.

I will restart the therapy and check I am not making subconscious errors in my own parenting (putting others first at inappropriate times, not unlike driving three days after surgery because the kids were kicking off)

I have done my best, that has to be good enough, and now I intend to model what self care looks like to the dc in Cornwall (if we ever get there!) DD due home any moment so I might need to check out of thread for a bit. But thank you, I feel the glisten of tears in my eyes when I think about all the support and care that has been shown to me on here, and all of you. I hope being free of guilt is possible for all of us. Thank you.

I hope you have a lovely time in Cornwall and that you recover well from your surgery. I love the idea of you modelling self care and good boundaries for your daughter, you sound like a wonderful mum.

I can recommend Bethany Webster, she writes about what she calls the Mother Wound, really powerful stuff.

Congratulations to your DD on her wonderful results

You seem to make the same mistake I do and that’s forgetting our parents are adults too and can communicate quite easily. I would ignore her tantrum and wait it out. It’s not your responsibility to ensure her happiness.

It is curious that she has acted up like this both times you've been going through extreme difficulties such as surgery, first lung, then gall bladder.
I've seen and experienced this kind of behaviour before and its almost like she's thought this has made you "too interesting" and she's had to turn all the attention back on herself. She doesn't want anyone to feel sympathy for you, that is all reserved to her.
(I know a woman very like your "D" M . She kept the news about a serious car accident from extended family for over six months. They only found out via Christmas cards and called immediately to say that they were so sorry for not getting in touch, couldn't understand why she'd not told them and to ask if they could visit or help. )

You haven't done anything wrong. Your life is yours. She could live hers differently and to be kind and empathetic but consciously makes the choice not to.
You don't have to put up with this anymore.
This IS about your DD coming through a trying time with flying colours. If she really cared she'd be celebrating that. Just like the operations - she can see that as DDs mum you might get some attention and congratulations, but no.. all of that attention has to go to DM, so she has picked on something to act out about.
You said yourself if you call at 9.02 she complains it should have been at 9.01...That is exactly the case here. She has a permanent axe to grind and will do so whenever she can on trumped up charges. The other relatives probably know exactly what she is like and probably don't pay much attention to this kind of thing.
What is it at the end of the day? "I didn't find out about exam results that day until later in the day. Shock Horror. Hold the front page."

I hope you enjoy your break, take time to recover, and treat yourself and your own family very kindly and don't let thoughts of this situation intrude too much. The best response is to use her behaviour as an example of how NOT to live and to be as kind and empathetic to each other as possible.

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.

Flip side By not remembering a conversation just days ago the grandparents have shown that the granddaughter is an important to them.

Do you hear how silly you are?

I am fucking livid reading this. My own shit too.

You are recovering from surgery, you are not responsible for a nasty narcissist.

Your Mum sounds like she is very entitled and lashed out on you because she forgot it was results day.

However it is your Daughter’s responsibility to contact Grandparents with good news, you said that she was screaming and laughing down the phone to all her friends, a phone call to Grandparents wouldn’t of hurt her.

I can see hear her saying if you don't do as I want you to (insert whatever she wanted) you will live to regret it when I die'

My mother was a very damaged and manipulative woman, though more subtle about the manipulation than yours is, by the sound of it. I I used to wonder if I would feel like this when she died. I don't, not even slightly. It's hard to admit it, but I don't really miss her (miss my dad hugely).

The thing about manipulative parents is that you'll never be able to do enough to satisfy them - never get it right, never be good enough to make amends for the imaginary wrongs you've done or pay the imaginary debt - because none of the causes of their grievance actually originate with you and your actions or with anything else outside themselves, it's all coming from the damage inside them. So you can never make things okay and never stop the guilt-tripping through your own actions.

And if you buy into the idea that you owe them, that you're guilty of ingratitude or neglect, then nothing you do will ever be enough to stop yourself feeling guilty after they've died - you'll think that if only you'd done X or Y, or done them more often, or really meant them when you did them, you'd have been a better child and your parent would have been happy.

You can't fix her, you can't make her happy or make her appreciate you, or stop her feeling resentful. It's very, very sad, and recognising this about a parent is like a bereavement because you're losing the ideal parent-child relationship you still hope for at some level. For your own sake, recognise that, make your peace with it, and then have as much or as little contact with her as makes you and your DD happy - but on your own terms, not hers.

Good luck

Your mother sounds a nasty piece of work - that stunt with the wedding dress was truly appalling. Your dad sounds dreadful too. I am sorry they must have made your childhood very tough.

Also - Your kids are bullying you into driving them around when you should be resting!

It’s time for a massive reset with your mum. Yes to therapy, yes to Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. And the holiday is much deserved - just hope you are not driving all the way there!

If you had stayed near her would she have found something else to beat you over the brow with?

It sounds like she loved you and treated you well when you were young, but that as she's become older she's become more self-centred and blind to anyone but her own needs.

Her behaviour when you are ill, both the extreme and demanding fussing and the callousness towards yourself, is awful.

Demanding obedience and to be the centre of everything makes one into a little tyrant. It's impossible to have anything like a loving mutual relationship with someone like that. Once someone gets to that stage, she could suck up everything you have to give and leave you a dried out husk and she'd only move onto the next person.

You are not a bad daughter. Honour her for the kinder mother she once was, but it's okay to set up boundaries and to give only what you can.

And please relax on holiday. You sound utterly worn out

So she turned up at your wedding in her wedding dress, trying to make the day about her and not you / your husband .

She refuses to help you when you are ill / after surgery because she will not do anything that’s not all about her.

Now she is trying to make DD results day about her and not her GC.

Tell me, OP, did her “breakdowns” in your childhood happen at times when there was something important going on in your life eg Moving to high school, GCSEs , your having a close friend / BF?

I still want to hide in the belief she is a decent sort really, when I know she has capacity for kindness sometimes,

I recognise a lot in your posts from my own late DM.

I would say to look deeper. Narcissists aren't born, they are made. Understanding what made your mum into, who she is can be helpful to you in understanding it's not your fault & that she is a damaged & frightened person, not a nasty one.

In my own DMs case it was her slightly older sister dying suddenly when she was only 6 & how her family handled their unspoken grief, lots of attention for being sad & her quickly going from being the youngest of 2, to the eldest of 3 DCs with grieving parents & then being very ill as a preteen/teen & going from little attention to full attention for being ill. She learnt young that sadness or illness gets her attention & so it's ingrained in her to use it, especially when feeling scared & left out, which is often as they don't like themselves very much, but hide it by playing queen bee to get attention to make themselves feel better.

I'd suggest looking at your mums childhood. It won't change her behaviour, but it will help you to understand her behaviour better & so know how to cope with it & see it for what it is.

Please pull away.

You have had major bloody surgery and are dealing with far too much.

Let your mother argue with herself.

Back AWAY.

& just to be clear, definitely step away & look after YOU right now,

my last post was more by way of understanding the dynamics that cause her to behave in this way, know it has absolutely nothing to do with you & is not your responsibility. You can't fix it, you can only change how you respond to it

In the back of my mind I can hear her telling me she won't be here forever and I need do the right thing by her.

Gosh, your mother is an incredibly manipulative piece of work! This isn't just an awful thing to say to you when you were a child, it's an awful thing to say to anyone ever. And, you know, bad behaviour shouldn't be rewarded

This most recent incident with the GCSE results sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back, and you are now looking back at other incidents and seeing the pattern. The wedding dress thing

Well done for taking a big step back. Take some time and space to yourself during your holiday and have a think about whether having your parents in your life is a good idea or not. I know you just want everyone to get along, but unfortunately it takes both sides to do that and it's not what she wants

Ah conditional approval, we all hate it. She sounds absolutely unbearable.
You are not the bad guy here.
I really (really) recommend returning to therapy. Bit of a cheerleader for it now, tbh, though it does need to be when you're ready for it, too.

Hankunamatata

The first thing my parents did was tell me to ring grandma when I got my results 🤷‍♀️“

A levels? If so, you’re 18? Why did your parents need to tell you. If grandma is so important you would have called yourself without a prompt.

The OP doesn’t need to be guilt tripped. Her daughter and mother are adults. She’s not a go-between.

@stepupandbecounted

I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you

I assumed she knew and remembered and had contacted dd herself! It was only by the time we got to the evening I realised she hadn't messaged me with the good news.

Surely the onus is on her to contact dd? She is an adult and we only spoke about it two days before!!!!!

Agree with you. She is an adult. It it were important to HER surely SHE would've noted it down. Unfair to suggest they arent important to you because you didnt tell them. It was DDs day and you were rightly preoccupied. They, being retired, have alot less to do and to remember than you.

I think its time you forgave yourself for moving away.

The fact you do all the driving and reminding for years suggests deep down you agree its your job because you moved. Fuck that.

Just stop.

She wants contact, she can call. She wants to see you, she can arrange a date and visit. See if she can actually be arsed.

My late mil was like this , you had to do everything first with her and she never believed that anyone else was more important than she was or busier than she ever was ' back in the day ' . Entitled behavior.
You've done nothing wrong here at all , but she is obviously holding onto a grudge from you moving away and forgets that for teens their friends come first rather than family and not likely to be the first people they reach out to for things or news or whatever. You are still recovering from your op too.
We moved away from family in the past and had similar experiences to this as well. They can't deal with it.
Some people just become old and bitter , sadly.

Honestly, I think your DD should have texted her grandparents. They will have felt strongly that she didnt even think to text them all day. Mine lived 150 miles away as a child, I had some disappointment with both GCSEs and a-levels (and other shit going on) but rang mine within 2 hours in both cases and that was when mobile phones were more basic & my grandparents didnt have one.

My late inlaws were the same too ; ' we won't be around for ever ' it's nothing but emotional blackmail. It took me a long time to realize this though and I used to tie my self in knots trying to placate and smooth the waters all the time and still be told it's not good enough !
Don't let them bully you op.

@stepupandbecounted

She enjoys making herself miserable the most, sadly, and it does make me sad because she is my mother and I do love her. She enjoys misery, thrives on bad news and it spills over into almost every area.

I really wish I had texted earlier in the day, but I can't change it now. And part of me thinks why the hell should I? They are sitting at home without a care in the world, is it so hard to remember to wish dd well?

I think an evil person is out there somewhere cloning these women as I'm certain you have a younger version of my DM!

If this were my DM and me, it wouldn't have matter how early I called with the news as I would have gotten something like "oh, how I wish DGD were here so I could give her a hug but you had to move too far away...." She would always slip in the sly dig.

Personally, I would go with the PPs who say to ignore her and don't get in touch. You're never too old to learn and she needs to learn this is inappropriate behaviour. Good luck, Op, and I hope you feel better soon.

I moved to Australia 12 years ago, at least you only moved 100 miles 😊

OP hope you are enjoying your holiday to Cornwall. Look after yourself. Your Mother should be pleased that you have followed a job opportunity to do better for yourself. There is an old saying 'You don't see the kittens carrying the mother cat ' meaning if you love your children you support them growing up and let them get on with it. Your job now is to support your children and look after yourself. Try to ignore your over the top mother. Maybe even tell her off if you get the chance as PP suggested.