'You have broken my heart'

[stepupandbecounted]

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

Congrats on DD's results - you must both be over the moon.

Mu mum is like yours - and I've been NC with her for over 3 months now. I feel like a big weight is gone from my shoulders. Despite my older children being an adult and an almost adult, she's chosen not to communicate with them, and not to message them even though its nothing to do with them as to why I've gone NC with her.

She, like your mum used to make out that she knew nothing about their lives unless I messaged her about it - because she was obviously incapable of using her phone to msg them herself. Never remembered important dates of ours, but would remember that the woman who's sisters, brothers, ex wife used to work with her 15 years ago had a random birthday coming up and would send a card! This year my daughter got a birthday card through the post but sent late - its not like her birthday hasn't been on the same date for the past 20 odd years!

The upshot is that they really don't care that she's no longer in touch with them. And I feel much better for not having to endure her any more. I was never good enough, my life choices were always wrong and the relationship was only maintained because I went to see her and I messaged her and called her and kept it going. You sound like you are in a very similar place, which is hard especially as you're in recovery from surgery.

I'd go on holiday, turn my phone off and let her stew. Although I really do like @WhereYouLeftIt's response above as well!

TBH, my mum would be the first person I called to tell about DD’s results because I know she would want to be first to know.

Congrats on your DD results,.

As for your mother- some people don’t realise how hectic lives of parents could be.
I wouldn’t even entertain her except from telling het to grow up.

@CliffordMystery

I think everyone seems a bit hysterical in this a description. “You’ve broken my heart” is an overreaction, but I can see her point.

If I knew that someone close to me had important exam results coming that they were worried about, I wouldn’t be texting them to ask until they texted me as if they didn’t get what they wanted they might not be in the mood for questions/might be busy trying to sort things out etc. I’d wait for when they wanted to tell me.

I don’t think someone outside of a direct family with results due should be necessarily expected to remember what day they are either. Not everyone even watches the news or reads newspapers.

I’m sure you could have found literally 30 seconds to text her the results earlier in the day.

What do you mean by “knackered and sore?”

She is BU to not speak to you, but you both sound like hard work to be honest.

Oh fuck off with your you sound like hard work comment, no she doesn't, not one little bit and if you've bothered to read the OP you will see she's recently just had surgery

@stepupandbecounted

Knackered as in tired, Sore because I still have stitches in different places all over my stomach and driving can be painful still.

It sounds like you are overdoing it so soon after your surgery. Are you even insured to drive just now? If you can't safely do an emergency stop you shouldn't be driving.

And why aren't your teenagers doing more around the house for you?

Regardless of that. Well done to your DD, and try to distance your self from your mother's histrionics - easier said than done.

And please take it easy. You will slow down your recovery if you don't. I hope you feel better soon

@stepupandbecounted

The back story is that she has never ever forgiven me for moving away.

You don't belong to her. You are a separate being. It comes as a massive parental shock (well it did to me) when DC turn 18 and you realise you suddenly have no control over their happiness or influence in their decisions. But you're supposed to get over that. She shoudl have made that realisation long ago.

Not your responsibility but text DGD to ask her to share the news properly asap with granny who was upset to be left out. We all get irrationally upset when people we adore forget about us, so give her a tiny bit of leeway but don't let her hold a grudge.

I agree with the posters saying she deliberately waited for you to text her and she takes some kind of pleasure in feeling slighted. I really don't get parents like this, my main aim in life is to support my children, not do things that make them feel bad about themselves. I don't believe you can change your Mum's behaviour, the only thing you can do is stop trying or reacting. Take that power away from her @stepupandbecounted. Enjoy your holiday with your lovely children and concentrate on them.

I'd turn it around on your mother. Demand to know why she hasn't bothered to enquire about how your daughter has done and say that it seems as though she doesn't care.

In your shoes I would ignore her for today, go off to Cornwall and send her a lovely postcard.
Seriously though, it sounds like you and your DD have had a hellish time.
You need to rest and heal. Your mother is not worth your mental and physical health, as she's clearly shown she doesn't care about well being

I can do an emergency stop so the insurance is okay, but yes I am doing way too much I agree.
Dc have helped at home with dishwasher and cooking, but we live in a village with no transport links, so they rely on me driving them to places to do anything. Dd will pass her test soon, but she has only just started her driving lessons due to the covid backlog.

The trip to Cornwall should at least give me a chance to rest properly, as it is hard to sleep, and every day feels very long!

I am sorry to read about other people's parents being like this. It is the most enormous drain, my mother said I looked completely burnt out and terrible last weekend, and that my skin was dry (the least of my problems to be fair) so surely she can see what the last few weeks have been like, and perhaps help by messaging her dgc herself and not waiting for me to spoon feed information to her all of the time.

@stepupandbecounted

Sounds like she was looking for a reason to have a go at you as she’s still upset that you moved away

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

OP, I have the same problem. It's rubbish.

Results day is all over the news. Both mydd’s grandparents managed to text her directly to see how she got on!

Your mother is being a victim of her own selfishness, don’t rise to the bait, concentrate on getting better after your surgery without the added pressure of her making you feel crap.

Well done to your daughter.

My mum’s dead now but had I not contacted her she’d have texted me with a simple ‘how did she go?’

She wasn’t prone to histrionics, though.

Wow, sounds like she was drunk.

That is totally unreasonable, if she is like this often I wouldn’t talk to her.

I moved to another country 11years ago, I occasionally get passive aggressive comments from my DF on how the UK is rubbish (which I ignore). I also tell him if he would like they can move here, we do have an excellent health service so it is well worth it 😉.

And she flew across the world to visit us, regularly.

Comfort yourself, OP, that you’ll have a much better relationship with your daughter.

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

Gosh! It sounds as though your mother really dislikes you! I don't usually say go low or no contact, but on this occassion I think you'd be better off, as she's continually punishing you for moving away, and it seems as though she won't change. I'd be tempted to tell her that you'll only see her again when she decides to stop punishing you.

Meanwhile, declare to you children that you're going nowhere for the next week and they need to pitch in at home too, so you can put your feet up and recover from your surgery. I had the same op about 5 years ago, and I was really surprised how long it took to recover!

I do wonder if she had a drink, as even for her it was really nasty. But a few days have passed, and no word so I assume she meant every word of it. Not that she would ever apologise anyway. She doesn't do apologies ever.

@Notonthestairs

Your mother forgot and is excusing herself by blaming you.

And/or she was happy to have a chance to stick the boot in.

Either way she seems to be forgetting that the most important thing is her granddaughter is happy.

Let her stew.

This. Has your mother forgotten that just over a week after surgery you travelled the 100 miles to visit them? And you're wfh, have the dcs home for the summer, sound like you're generally running around like a headless chicken AND are still recovering after your operation?

If she and your dc's regularly text/speak to each other, independent of you, why should this be any different? Using this an an excuse to "stick the boot in" sounds about right :/

sounds like a stunt my mum would have pulled too. Theres definitely a weird dynamic with some mothers and it seems to centre on their inability to realise your no longer dependant on them and are an independent adult. they just cant let go and see every little thing that you do where you don't centre them as some perceived slight, its like they are constantly challenging you to 'prove' that they are still the most important person in your world. And when you inevitably fail because you know, life, then they lose their shit.
best thing you can do is not pander to it. Remind her that communication goes both ways as does visiting and if she wants to stay involved in you and your kids lives then she makes an effort too, its not all on you. She will either step up or go NC , both are a win in my books.

@AintPageantMaterial

Tell her off! “Mother, you are being petulant and rude. You are a grown woman and you cannot reasonably believe that it is my responsibility to remind you on a Thursday about something that was discussed at length on Sunday. Plenty of Families manage to thrive happily whilst living much farther apart than we do. You were not somehow wronged because we moved house. We are both adults with equal responsibility in maintaining our relationship.”

This.

But wait for her to get in touch. Sulking should not be indulged.

I thought the operation was 'key hole' and I would be totally fine, but I have lots of incisions everywhere and one very long one, and my stomach is still the size of a balloon, and I don't think I adequately planned for it being such a pain, but it is better now than it was.

I am going to stop messaging every one and the timing of the break could have been better. In the back of my mind I can hear her telling me she won't be here forever and I need do the right thing by her.

But there comes a point when doing the right thing for everyone else, becomes harmful. It is up to me to take time out if I need to without the guilt of not calling her constantly or trying to make amends.

Dd is with her friends, and not witnessing this, so it isn't spoiling her day thank heavens. I dread the day she gets married if my parents are still alive.

Leave her to it and let her get over herself. Dd can call her if she wants to. You do enough, you are enough.

*I mean as in take a break by going on holiday. I need to get away from this.

Well done, OP, for keeping the show on the road after gall bladder surgery which many people find debilitating after feeling awful from symptoms before that. I also suspect you could not have won as this looks like another go for relocating. She's demonstrably wrong with her 'How dare you not remind her' after she couldn't be bothered or chose not to remember your DD's occasion.

HNRTT but was your DM supportive and contact you about your surgery and illness and recovery?

Well done for supporting your DD and hope your recovery progresses.

It's still a major of, the initial external cut is small but they still removed your organs