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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 13/08/2021 11:53

Would a 'I presume you were off your head on booze when you sent this' message to your DM go down well?

reesewithoutaspoon · 13/08/2021 11:53

Go peruse the 'we took you to stately homes thread' honestly your mum is following a script. freedom only comes when you put up boundaries and stick to them. I spent 6 months NC with my mum following one of her hysterics. her behaviour has improved markedly over the years but only because she now knows that she cant get away with her crap any longer as it no longer bothers me. Its difficult because you have been trained from a young age to put her feelings first but its very liberating once you break out of the FOG.

timeisnotaline · 13/08/2021 11:54

Hi mum, I saw your message to dd. the more you attack me for every little thing the more glad I am I’m nowhere close. Don’t expect us to visit for a while after this latest outburst, I’m not your punching bag.
And hang up.

DoingItMyself · 13/08/2021 11:54

Your mother feels bad (about the exam results but also about being older and forgetting things she would once have kept in mind) so she's hitting out at you trying to make it your fault. She's wrong.

Grey rock. Take a break. Establish boundaries and distance. Look after your health. You can't fix your parents, as my dd often says.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/08/2021 11:58

I think you should have texted them to let them know the results. Your DM is behaving badly and that's on her, but no you weren't too busy all day to send a quick message.

Results day is all over the news, so any grandparent would be wondering how their grandchild has done, and it would be usual to let them know.

Terhou · 13/08/2021 11:59

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
To be honest, less than three weeks after somewhat hefty surgery, it seems perfectly justifiable that OP's priorities were her daughter, her other children and her own health. The issue really is why they didn't bother to try to contact OP or their granddaughter themselves.
dolorsit · 13/08/2021 12:03

Blimey, we haven't told any of the grandparents yet. Did suggest DD text them last night but she was totally wiped out after volunteering all day and probably forgot.

None of the GPs have texted but we're not bothered by that. If they are waiting anxiously if they would have texted either DH or me.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2021 12:04

I presume your surgery was keyhole. If it wasn’t, it’s generally around 6 weeks for open surgery. But I still don’t think you should be driving all day regardless of the kind of surgery. Sounds as if you’ve taken on way too much for a long time.

Is your mother the martyr narcissist perhaps? If you loved her enough, you wouldn’t have moved away. She never moved away from her mum etc. Know it well.

Time to stop playing her games. You are not a bad person for moving to provide for your family. I also think you should decompress in Cornwall. She can always contact your teens if she’s worried.

Plumtree391 · 13/08/2021 12:04

Your mother certainly over reacted, after all you did message her. It's ridiculous to expect adult children to live nearby nowadays, they have to go where the work is and where housing is affordable. Mum is stuck in the dark ages but deep down, she knows this.

Just carry on as though nothing has happened. Do send your parents a post card from Cornwall, you can still buy them, and they will appreciate that. Maybe arrange for some clotted cream to be sent to them.

Congratulations to your daughter but also I hope you recover soon, you've had an unpleasant operation, something your mother doesn't seem to have processed unfortunately.

Flowers
beigebrownblue · 13/08/2021 12:04

@RedToothBrush

Your daughter is 18. Your mother is in her 60s.

Why is it your responsibility to pass communication between two adults perfectly capable of doing it themselves?

Your mother needs to belt up and your daughter should step up.

And you should point out that you aren't their secretary.

This.
Notonthestairs · 13/08/2021 12:04

Personally I think Grandparents should be the ones to get in touch with a supportive text "good luck today, we think you are amazing whatever your results".

Particularly when both daughter and granddaughter have had a hard time.

Hoppinggreen · 13/08/2021 12:05

DD got her GCSE results yesterday and I just told her to make sure she let both sets of Grandparents know and that’s that
Your mother is being ridiculous

DeclineandFall · 13/08/2021 12:06

She's playing the martyr. She is using your daughters exams results as a stick to beat you with. The answer to this is tell her if she doesn't wind her neck in you won't be texting her about anything again. Honestly I have a mother and ILs like this. Only when you find your voice and your boundaries are ever going to be free of this shit.

Terhou · 13/08/2021 12:06

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago

You need to go broken record on this - e.g. "For goodness sake, Mum, people move away from their parents every day without all this drama, it was 10 years ago, get over it".

ChargingBuck · 13/08/2021 12:06

@stepupandbecounted

The back story is that she has never ever forgiven me for moving away.
Yeah, this is what is it all about. She is feeling a loss of control.

Her reaction was bloody outrageous btw. what a petulant child.
You should not have to defend or justify yourself - your best bet is to leave her to sulk out her ridiculous fury.

But if you do need to, or when she breaks her sulk (so that she can extend her guilt-trip further, likely), she really needs picking up on all of this:

I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results

Phones & message services work both ways.
DD is far too busy celebrating with her mates to worry about hearing from Grandma before the weekend.
You can live where you damn well please.
You are still recovering from a nasty op & need support, not an ear-bashing.

I'm guessing she has form for manipulation & making everything about herself ..?

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:08

Yes dd replied straight away, even though she was at a party with her friends at the time. Beyond a few texts, that is all that would have happened anyway, just a few hours later....so dm and dd did speak about the results so there is no need for this massive overreaction. We were not having a family party that they were excluded from or that they would visit dd anyway!

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 13/08/2021 12:10

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
ODFOD.

Nothing of the sort has been "shown".
The exam results aren't going to suddenly change because grandma hears about them a few hours after DD does.

Grandma needs to chill her boots & stop using the situation to score Martyrdom Points.
WTF does it matter if she hears immediately, or within a few hours? A sane person wouldn't be making their grandchild's exam results all about themselves.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:12

Can someone tell me what the script is when it comes to parents? I have a good idea what it means about an affair.

Is your mother the martyr narcissist perhaps? If you loved her enough, you wouldn’t have moved away. She never moved away from her mum etc. Know it well

This is it, in a nutshell. If I loved her enough, I would have stayed by her side indefinitely.

She will never ever let it go.

OP posts:
Buffoonborisisatwat · 13/08/2021 12:13

old people go a little crazy.

Don't lose any sleep over this and don't let her make you feel bad it.

MzHz · 13/08/2021 12:14

So your mum never switched on the telly or the radio at any point that morning? It was inescapable!

She’s just waiting for opportunities to push you into traps.

She’s let her gd down quite frankly, not the other way round.

SpeakingFranglais · 13/08/2021 12:16

@MummBraTheEverLeaking

Is she incapable of picking up the phone herself?! YANBU.
This.

My mum rang on the morning of results day to see how they did.

daisyjgrey · 13/08/2021 12:17

Your mother is being a berk.

MzHz · 13/08/2021 12:17

@stepupandbecounted

I do think she forgot, and she is blaming me to deflect.
Oh she didn’t forget …

She deliberately didn’t text her gd so she could turn it into another way to hurt you.

Step back. Waaaaaay back

ImprobablePuffin · 13/08/2021 12:17

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
Oh do fuck off. OP has done no such thing.
Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:18

I think you were very very wise to move away!

Congrats to your dad and take care of yourself - you've just had surgery x