Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

@fortifiedwithtea Try STEP
www.step.org/

It’s a professional standards body for specialists in this field.
You can search for an estate planning specialist in your area.

Equal is on the only way not to cause issues.

Ok I’ve heard you all loud and clear. Leaving a house to DD2 is a terrible idea.

Neither ours or DM is a big house. We are talking 3 bed semi’s but because of the locations of both close to London they are worth a lot. In fact DM house is worth more than ours. DF was in finance. He took out investments when each grandchild was born. Dd2 also benefitted from a government scheme. To make it fair we opened an investment for DD1 so each child had 2 investments. Safe to say they BOTH have a nice nest egg.

This thread has brought up another issue that had not even occurred to me. DD2 might have too much already in savings to qualify for full benefits. So something else that needs professional help .

Dd1 has never had a good relationship with DD2. They are too different in personality. They have never been company for each other. Nearly 5 years age gap. I was so desperate to give DD1 a sibling as I hated being an only child I never considered that DD1 might actually enjoy being the only one or that DD2 could be born different. Dd1 never wanted her sister to be at her sporting events and we never forced DD1 to support DD2 in her sport either. With hindsight maybe that was a mistake. Or if I’d forced them to be together maybe the resentment would be worse. I don’t know.

I feel the need to say this again because so many people don't seem to understand. Leaving your child with bipolar disorder a property won't ensure that she is never homeless. If she racks up debt, if she sets light to the place when she's in the manic stage of bi-polar, if she is persuaded to take out loans by an unscrupulous partner or fails to pay her bills during the depressive stage of the illness — any of these things could result in debt, bankruptcy and the house needing to be sold in a hurry. Perhaps she'll end up with enough funds to buy somewhere smaller. And then, because of the cyclical nature of bpd, the whole thing could happen again. I have known several people with BPD over the years and although it seems to be better-controlled these days all those I've known with that diagnosis have had roller-coaster lives. Flying high one minute, down on the ground the next.

We created a trust for my learning-disabled cousin (not BPD) because he is terrible at managing money and property and has lost thousands over the years. If he'd had access to the £350,000 his home was sold for it would all have gone down the drain in five years. As it is the money is invested, he gets a basic income from it (which he supplements with work) and he is guaranteed stability for the rest of his life.

@fortifiedwithtea I did search for your previous posts (only because you suggested it - I don't make a habit of this). In one of them, you talk about DD1's hatred of DD2. If there's already a problem, I wouldn't make it worse by in effect cutting DD1 out.

As PP have said, you need a really good solicitor to draw up wills for you and your husband which ensure that DD2's additional needs (which you describe as 'mild' in another post) are covered without her losing any benefits. You and your husband would normally have 'mirror' wills, unless there is some particular reason not to (such as him having children from a previous marriage or you having some pressing reason to leave something to someone else).

I really would not delay.

Sorry - our posts crossed, tea!

Shocking and I say that as one of three whose eldest sibling has learning difficulties and cannot manage money himself.

My mum has written her will to split her entire estate between the three of us but my DB’s share is held in a trust and will be used to make his life more comfortable. It is likely he will have to go into social housing (but he still lives with mum at 58 now) as he couldn’t afford the bills on the family home even if he stayed there. The trust fund means that he can still receive the small benefits he receives for His learning and physical disabilities but my other DB and I can use the trust fund to help with bills. If he makes it to retirement age he will live off his pension.

You are being grossly unfair and absolutely not considering how your DD2 will be able to stay in the house and manage her finances. All money should be split equally and provision made for your DD2 in a trust fund.

Be very careful about leaving the house to DD2.............the asset could affect future benefits. Is she capable of managing the property.........Maintainance, repairs, arranging insurance etc???

Would supported living be a better option for her?

I think you are being unfair to DD1.

Just seen your update OP. If your daughters have a strained relationship anyway then I fail to see how leaving everything to one and nothing to the other will help in healing any rifts between them? Surely your actions will just make the situation worse. I don’t understand your logic at all.

I agree with @Shedbuilder. Your younger daughter, given her bipolar condition, could easily sell that house and spend everything. There's no love lost between your two girls, so why create even more division by only leaving your house to one?

@fortifiedwithtea

Ok I’ve heard you all loud and clear. Leaving a house to DD2 is a terrible idea.

Neither ours or DM is a big house. We are talking 3 bed semi’s but because of the locations of both close to London they are worth a lot. In fact DM house is worth more than ours. DF was in finance. He took out investments when each grandchild was born. Dd2 also benefitted from a government scheme. To make it fair we opened an investment for DD1 so each child had 2 investments. Safe to say they BOTH have a nice nest egg.

This thread has brought up another issue that had not even occurred to me. DD2 might have too much already in savings to qualify for full benefits. So something else that needs professional help .

Dd1 has never had a good relationship with DD2. They are too different in personality. They have never been company for each other. Nearly 5 years age gap. I was so desperate to give DD1 a sibling as I hated being an only child I never considered that DD1 might actually enjoy being the only one or that DD2 could be born different. Dd1 never wanted her sister to be at her sporting events and we never forced DD1 to support DD2 in her sport either. With hindsight maybe that was a mistake. Or if I’d forced them to be together maybe the resentment would be worse. I don’t know.

and you STILL haven't mentioned your husband!

Has to be equally shared, or the bitterness and resentment will last for years, as I know from experience.

I'm sorry but your plan is a terrible idea. Do not do it unless you want to set up a lifetime of resentment and bad blood.

You need to consider that DD2 will need support from DD1 so preserving their relationship is important. You also need to consider DD2s ability to manage money and a house. Leaving her the family home free and clear is a really really really bad idea.

I suggest that you apologise to DD1 and explain that you don't want to cut her out and were just trying to work out how to provide for DD2.

I would talk to DD1 about how she envisages things when you aren't around anymore. She has likely thought about whether she would consider living with her sister, whether she would live separately but provide hands on support or would prefer to see her set up in sheltered accommodation. Would she be willing to be a trustee? Is there anyone else who would be prepared to look out for DD2 and can DD1 work jointly with them or should it be an either or situation. Talk to your DH separately about the same topics. Ask him how he feels about staying in the family home too. Depending upon DD2s level of competence you might want to broach some of these subjects with her too.

This is a fact finding exercise, not a chance to lay down any firm plans.

Then when you have an idea of how they feel get proper legal advice. Look for a STEP registered solicitor and make an appointment to discuss your wishes and needs.

You should look at things like trusts so that money left to DD2 can be protected. You should do your best to leave DD1 an equivalent sum, but depending upon the size of the estate and the needs of DD2 you may have to consider other options, and this is where talking comes in. DD1 may prefer less money if it means reliable provision for DD2 and limited input from her but she might rightly be upset at less money if she is thinking that she will have to step into your shoes and become primary carer. You need a two way conversation though, no point making provision for sheltered accommodation if neither daughter would be happy with that and no point leaving a lifetime interest in the family home if living there would be impractical.

Get advice, talk about it again, then get the wills made with everyone aware of the content and review the provisions whenever there are changes of circumstances.

Poor dd 1

@Clawdy

Has to be equally shared, or the bitterness and resentment will last for years, as I know from experience.

Really? People are so mean spirited and self centred that they would resent a sibling with disabilities being adequately looked after?

The selfish grabbiness on this thread, and complete lack of concern for a vulnerable family member, is appalling.

I think that I would take steps now to make sure that the daughter who needs it has a place in supported housing and is well settled before my death. The estate could then be split evenly, and the proceeds of DD2's half put in a trust which could pay for rent and living expenses.
If there is likely to be enough money for her to live without benefits, then it's surely more important to safeguard that (with trusts or whatever the expert you consult suggests) than for her to have less actual money in order to qualify for benefits which may be changed or discontinued at some time in the future.

I have not read the whole thread so apologies if this has been mentioned.
Where someone has a vulnerability and would potentially be unable to lock after the property or could be taken advantage of, they can be given a right to live in the property (interest in possession) with the property passing to someone else after their death or a on specified event/number of years.

OP, I didn’t read the full thread so apologies if it’s mentioned already.
My DD has additional needs so the question of her future and so on is very relevant to me. She’s the only child however.
I was at the workshop about wills a few months ago and what I took from it: you need to check carefully with your solicitor that the inheritance won’t affect benefits your DD is receiving. You need to make a trust for this. Also to protect the part of the house of deceased parent ( in case of future marriage of the other) you need to do your will in a special way. Your DD1 likely to be involve in supporting her sister and in this case will need some sort of compensation/ reward for this.

@ChavDiningHalls well I didn’t mean search through the history I’ve ever written 😂 I meant my other current thread. The issue with DD2 is outwardly you would never know she has any disability. This makes it difficult for her to get help and people are unsympathetic as her disabilities are hidden.

She has been assessed twice by a clinical psychologist and described as spiky. In some areas she is very sub normal in others can be as high as average. For example her speech is excellent but her understanding not so much. She doesn’t get sarcasm or slang takes extra time to process what she has heard. She does not have autism. She was at main stream school until she was sectioned at age 15. Honestly the worst time of my life. She was ill and had no comprehension of why she was taken from us. She would cry every day . The staff quickly worked out the only way to calm her was to put on the phone to me. I swear I will never get over that time. But at least she finally got an EHCP and got into a special needs school. She is now 18 and starting at our local college doing extended learning.

Other people are asking are the girls also my husband’s . Yes they are. DH always assumed I would outlive him. He thought I would be the one left caring for DD2.

Both DH parents have passed. He didn’t grieve for either of them. He sees a funeral a bit of a jolly. Same attitude as his sister. So I have no doubt that he won’t grieve for me either. Our relationship has been shit for more years than I care to remember but that is a whole different thread topic all together. I actually hope he does meet someone else. He must have been as miserable with me as I am with him. He’s been very supportive in the last few weeks,

Really? People are so mean spirited and self centred that they would resent a sibling with disabilities being adequately looked after? The selfish grabbiness on this thread, and complete lack of concern for a vulnerable family member, is appalling

Oh the overused s word again.

As for benefits OP, I think some disability benefits are non-means-tested.

You need to pay for some legal advice.

You really need to speak to a good solicitor who can sort out trusts. My DS (only child) has ASD plus a few other bits in the mix. Potentially he is looking at a huge sum of money when I die (DH died this year) I need to protect him from himself and others, if someone asked him fir money he would just hand it over not thinking about it which would make him so very vulnerable. I need to get this all sorted so he can't access a chunk of money easily without it going by the trustees (my brother in my case)

I'm not sure you would be doing DD2 any favours leaving her the house. Is she realistically going to be able to cope with looking after it, sorting out repairs, paying bills, keeping insurance up etc? If she had to go into care it would simply end up being used to pay the bills. You might be better off looking into long term supervised sheltered accommodation for her, not least to help her learn a degree of independence.

absolutely awful idea. If dd2 needs that much help, she will be supported by the state forever, DD1 will be struggling with resentment feeling unloved forever.

You remind me of my sis in law who weirdly has a strange blood condition that may turn to cancer ... she has 3 kids tho and its a boy who is the complete drain

I'd be more worried about your DH and what he may do.

Make sure you leave your share to the kids and not him.