Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

You're way overthinking all this. Just leave a will sharing your entire estate between both children equally. It's the fair way.

You've no idea if nor when you'll get your mother's house. Her estate may all go on care fees if she needs long term care. She may have a mental wobble and re-write her will to leave her home to the local cat's home, or she may even re-marry.

You really can't "assume" your less preferred daughter will end up with your mother's house, she could end up with nothing, whilst your preferred daughter is sitting pretty in the family home!

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if mentioned already. You don't mention your daughters capacity in your original post. This will be a significant factor if your DD inherits property / a large sum of money or needs to moves. If your daughter lacks welfare and/or financial capacity then provision should be made for this as well (if you've not already done so).

Talk to a solicitor.

If you leave your DD2 a lot of money either in cash or as a house, it may mean she no longer receives beneifts, and is vulnerable to abuse. You need professional advice about leaving anything to her in trust.

And please split your assets equally. You have no idea what the future holds for either girl.

@Hadalifeonce

She told us we are all her children, and wouldn't dream of not treating us equally, whatever the circumstances, because circumstances change.

This is an incredibly important point.

you can not predict what might happen to DD1 in the future . So i think you are being a bit unfair

you need to speak to a solicitor pronto! and sort this out .

I would echo what a previous poster said: you never know what will happen in the future to your DD1. She could have an accident or life changing illness and need greater care/help than your DD2.

You've behaved very cruelly to your daughters. Both of them.

Whilst I appreciate DD2's security is priority you didn't need to be as callous with it as you have done. I imagine you have made DD1 feel very unwanted and DD2 feel very guilty.

It would be far better in the long run to downsize the house and set DD2 up in a flat. Be that assisted accommodation depending on her ability to function etc however you have simply cut DD1 entirely from her inheritance and I think that is very, very unfair.

I have to agree with @Shedbuilder, as a bipolar person. I've been horrendously impulsive and reckless with money over the years.

Sorry op ,I can see this is difficult for you but you are going to completely ruin the sister's future relationship by doing this.
You must be fair and split 50/50.
Your dd2 will get social care.
From experience,I urge you not to favour one over the other and to provide for your girls equally.
After you have left the earth plane your daughters will need each other ,don't take that away from them by fuelling resentment,hurt and jealousy.
Seek a solicitors advice and draw up an equal will.

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm

I have to agree with *@Shedbuilder*, as a bipolar person. I've been horrendously impulsive and reckless with money over the years.

@BeautyGoesToBenidorm, I'm sorry to hear that. It's a horrible condition. I was hoping I wasn't going to hurt anyone's feelings by saying what I've said but from everything I know about bipolar disorder and everyone I've known to suffer it, it's an up-and-down ride. All the best to you.

I disagree with most others here, I think it's fine to ensure both your children have similar stability for their futures if you pass.

My parents will is set heavily in my sisters favour, for various reasons. She will need that money when my parents go, I won't.

I'd rather my sisters future be protected than me have some extra cash lying around. I'm far from well off, but I have a good job, husband has a good job, we have a nice house with a reasonable mortgage.

I'm happy with how the will is set up as I know my parents have taken a long time to think it through and are just trying to do their best for everyone. My brother on the other hand is furious, he's the most well off out of all of us and his anger comes from pure greed.

The thing is @bakinbiscuits that DD1 in this example is not set, has no security and no one has any idea how will she do in life. For all we know she may not be able to find a job, her anxiety can worsen, etc.

Yes, YABU. Split everything equally.

And sorry but you don't get to pull the "be kind" card when you are being incredibly unkind yourself to DD1.

Why would you do this? Presumably you live in a house. Split it between your daughters and dd2 can buy something smaller. If she doesn't marry and have a family she doesn't need a family sized house. If she does marry then it is also her husbands responsibility to house them and they can buy something bigger. Dd1 is going to be left feeling you don't care about her at all. You could live 30 years yet - why make dd1 feel like this. Insane.

You need to get proper estate management/IHT advice asap. It is clear from your OP that you haven't got the necessary information or advice.
There are a number of books and videos about Inheritance Tax Planning that go into the best way to manage your property and your will, particularly if you think there is a possibility that your partner might remarry after your death.
It is so, so important that you get this right now.

You are leaving a stink bomb in their relationship once you have died. Why don’t you downsize now and gift some money to both children. No guarantee you won’t need care one day yourself and then there will be nothing to leave them.

@Shedbuilder, you haven't hurt my feelings at all, I promise you!

It IS a horrible illness, and luckily my meds mostly control the worst of the symptoms these days.

You're not being awful or judgemental by talking about the very real consequences of bipolar disorder. They're all facts.

I actually get your point about leaving to one sibling and not the other.

I am the "well" sibling in a similar situation. My Dbro is hidden disabled will never live independently and that worries my mum greatly. I am a single parent but work and financially support myself and my young DC (only have 1 DC) and will work until I die if I have to but my Dbro doesn't have that option.

My mum is leaving everything to my DBro because he will not have independent means like I do. It hurt when she told me but I understand.

I am close to my DBro though so will likely support him, and he does like my DC so won't see them go without. But it did and still does sting a bit to think about.

So I get it, you're both UR and R.

If your DH does marry again, any will he has made is automatically invalidated anyway.
Please get proper advice now.
Don't just ask on MN.

Op I agree you need legal advice on this.

Normally married couples own the family home as joint tenants so it's not yours to "leave" if DH survives you.

Also if you leave "the house" it can be sold & more suitable home bought plus use the remaining proceeds of the sale to live off etc. However if your DD2 isn't able to look after her own interests/finances you need to make arrangements for someone to do that for her.

If you expect your DD1 to sort it all out afterwards that is really tough on her. You can make those arrangements as part of your planning. It may cost a little bit now but it will be a lot harder afterwards for DD1 and DD2.

I really do think you need to go take legal advice now.

Also your dm should have a will leaving all her property to you (if that's what she wishes to do) but if you die first then to go to your dc's (again if that's what she wishes to do).

Yes, you are unreasonable.

@Waxonwaxoff0

Was that last comment really necessary?

Have you never stopped in your tracks and questioned your beliefs? That’s where I am at. I have a loving relationship with my DD1 . That is why she was comfortable about saying actually mum I understand your reasoning but I don’t think its fair. And its made me question my intensions. That’s why I’ve put this question up. Because I do love both my daughters.

Can I just give an example of what can happen please, I really wish parents of vulnerable children could have way more help to plan the future. Whatever much needed help kids currently receive there is way less when they reach adulthood.
I am sort of DD1 in this scenario, my sister has non visible LD and has a part time job where they work with her capabilities. DS was set up in a flat by my parents long before they passed and they supported DS. After DM died my dad got social services involved again (they had been involved before and DS had a social worke) but because DS had a flat and savings in her name she had to pay for her weekly support. When dad died this all went tits up. I hadn't reckoned on DS not paying the blindest attention to my advice about anything and amongst other things she stopped the support because she didn't want to pay.
So here we are, she has drawn down her savings so lives off the non means-tested PIP and her small salary. She spends what she has. In theory she is entitled to SS help but with Covid and the state of adult care social care there is nothing, she was given the number for CAB when she contacted SS in a crisis recently FFS.
I suppose what I am getting at is that she either needs to be left so much, with it being set up so that the support can't stop due to her whims or running out of money OR she should be left with too little or only Trust money so that SS and benefits must house and support her.
In our case the fact my DS owns a flat means she gets no help with repairs and leaseholder costs and no support to organise them and keep an eye on bills. Her own physical state is deteriorating very fast too. Because she lies to me and ignores advice I only find out at crisis points. And so we lurch on.

[quote fortifiedwithtea]@Waxonwaxoff0

Was that last comment really necessary?

Have you never stopped in your tracks and questioned your beliefs? That’s where I am at. I have a loving relationship with my DD1 . That is why she was comfortable about saying actually mum I understand your reasoning but I don’t think its fair. And its made me question my intensions. That’s why I’ve put this question up. Because I do love both my daughters.[/quote]
I can't understand why anyone would think of doing anything BUT sharing equally between all children.

And yes it was necessary. It's irritating when people trot out "be kind" when they don't get the responses they want.

So dh can still live in it but he can't leave your half to any floozie who takes his eye

Not sure what that grin denotes, but do we still talk about other women in this way?